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CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: "EXPOSED AND SMALL" I deserve humiliation (4/20/2010 4:32:02 AM)
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Perhaps you share my vice for empathy? Yes, but I still manage to be offensive and selfcentered sometimes. Having too much empathy has gotten me into very hot water. I have championed friends before, both over the internet and in r/t, and I have ended up in awkward situations. Or worse...in a hell that never seems to end.
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But what does one do when they, unwittingly, find themselves amongst a school of pirana? One drop of blood and the feeding frenzy begins. What to do? Backstroke? Remain still?
The first thing would be to...stop dumping more blood into the waters. Back down, apologise, make peace, swallow some pride and...learn from the experience. How can someone keep arguing if you keep telling them how right they are? Instead of saying what's wrong, everyone might have chosen to use the ignore feature...but it would get pretty lonely here if most people couldn't read a single word he typed in any thread for as long as he kept the same username. Maybe this was the lesser of two evils.
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Where does a 28 year old man with compulsions, he struggles to understand and satisfy, go? Do you think he can talk about this with his buddies over a beer? His dad? I doubt those are good options for most men. He can bounce in and out of relationships without sufficient self awareness. Which could send his emotions to dangerous places. Continuing without resolution can make this person a liability to all he touches. Collarchat can indeed be a place that he can find that understanding. There are many here who have been where he is and can show him a way forward. Only if they are allowed. The climate on these forums do not allow people to help him. It is far too easy, and fun, for people to erect a straw man and burn it down.
This is the right place to come. When I direct people to the forums for some targeted reading, I tell them I don't want them to make any posts for the first dozen hours, and I make myself available for any discussion afterward or for questions that I can answer. As for your other comments and questions, I'd better just wade in and start answering. (These are just my own opinions, and others may consider them to be worth less than their 2 cents worth.)
Discussing this with buddies? If a male is dom and doesn't go into sadomasochism with his friends, but boasts of wearing the pants in the family and that he's got his sweetie well trained, then he might be admired and envied. I think their reactions might be harsh for a male who mentions feeling submissive, but then I'm only judging by the redneck town I live in.
From a female point of view, I "came out" to family and some friends over 3 years ago, and I try to explain things as one would to a very small child, if you know what I mean. It's easier to understand having a male, or female, wearing the pants in the relationship, and that you appreciate seeing more gentlemanly or ladylike behavior...and service. Most people will never understand having the power to discipline an adult...though it's very easy for them to imagine desertion and/or divorce instead. They think their way is better, and I think my way is better...what's amusing to me is that both of us are right. [:D]
As for sadomasochism, well, I don't explain in detail about how I'd give oral sex, so why should I also explain other things BDSM? I do admit to light, whap whap flogging that merely warms the skin and is good for the circulation, a kind of massage, etc. [;)] Others have ended up all blushy faced and have told me that they have been interested in this stuff too, lol. Unfortunately, those others were members of my extended family and therefore unfloggable.
There's a lot of wisdom in what you said in that last paragraph, so I don't see anything I need to comment on, but I will say one thing about the climate on these forums through comparison. Even if one was a pariah in their town's library, and nobody would speak with them there... would...that...make...the...books...any...less...valuable...? One could learn so much here even if they refused to engage in any sort of conversations. There's a search feature for the forums that's right above the first flag on the right, so if there's something I wish to study, I don't have to wade page by page through things that don't interest me, and I don't have to make any forum posts. Many of the threads are years old, but knowledge is knowledge, and I value the experiences and wisdom of others. I learn from their mistakes so I'm not doomed to make quite so many of my own.
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With regard to the notion that anything critical I said was directed at you, I was trying not to point to anyone specific. They were comments intended for the reader to evaluate their own behavior. To consider if that is who they are or if that is what they want to project.
I did not take anything you said as a personal attack. I could see that you seemed to be upset and pointing out that it's difficult for submissive males at this site, and yes, I had to evaluate my own behavior and note that it was more honest than kind.
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I'm hoping you didn't read my other posts on this thread. If you did, please tell me how I have failed you.
Except for threads in the funny areas of the forums that have pages in the thousands, whenever I've posted, I have read every single word in that thread typed before I arrived. Sometimes more than once, as I have with your posts today. As for the last, I don't need to say anything here. You will read your own posts and decide for yourself if you failed.
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My motivation is guided by the tremendous value these forums provided in helping me understand myself. I rarely post, but I have been lurking here for some four or five years. It's an important resource.
I feel lucky to have had online friends guide me here; I never would have opened myself up for all of this otherwise. Now if only I could reverse time, and know almost 29 years ago what I do now...my first lover was a kinky little onion, and I was too innocent to rip some of his layers off. [:D]
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