The fine art of stimulation

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slaveatia -> The fine art of stimulation (4/17/2010 6:28:07 PM)
Why is it so difficult to get people to understand that if they cannot stimulate my mind I wont allow them to stimulate my body? They accuse me of topping from the bottom when I tell them this...

CastleOfDreams -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/17/2010 7:13:20 PM)
Ahhhhhh.... because those that don't are morons ???

DesFIP -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/17/2010 7:18:24 PM)
Because nobody likes being rejected. However if that's what you say to people when you turn them down, I don't blame them for being pissy. It's a snotty thing to say. Try being polite about it. "I'm sorry, I don't think we're compatible. Good luck in your search".

Smutmonger -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/17/2010 7:34:04 PM)
I know the feeling. The world is full of uninspired sheeple. Passions are of more than just the flesh. Have you noticed how many people into d/s come across as caricatures? I wonder if they intend that-or are just filled with fear? quote: ORIGINAL: slaveatia Why is it so difficult to get people to understand that if they cannot stimulate my mind I wont allow them to stimulate my body? They accuse me of topping from the bottom when I tell them this...

GraciousLady -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/17/2010 8:07:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveatia Why is it so difficult to get people to understand that if they cannot stimulate my mind I wont allow them to stimulate my body? They accuse me of topping from the bottom when I tell them this... You know, I often wonder why people have this problem? How on earth do they get in conversations about such things with people they do not care to have personal conversations with? And, what's wrong with just saying excuse me or thank you for the offer but I'm not interested and walking away if someone tries to get you to do something you don't want to do? You do not owe anyone an explination for why your do not want to play with them. All saying this does is make a fight.

twistedwillow -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 1:57:20 AM)
Agreed, no need to be so rude about it, you are basically telling people they are dumbshits. My stock standard answer, for email at any rate, is 'Thanks for the email, unfortunately I am not looking for anyone at the moment. But I wish you well in your search'. I have just told them I am not interested and I have not insulted them either. I usually get a 'Thankyou for the response, i wish you well' in return.

reynardfox -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 3:03:06 AM)
Anyone who accuses you of topping from the bottom is just too weak and lazy to give you the attention that you need. This excuse is most frequently heard from wannabee Doms, usually male, who simply can't cut it in a relationship with a real life submissive. The mind is the primary sexual organ, if they can't get through to that, you need to move on. The real Doms can always get into your head as easily as your body. Do remember, not everyone you encounter is the real thing, you need to take the time to find out. Don't worry about causing offence, if they can't take the heat, what on earth are they doing in here?

crazyml -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 3:11:13 AM)
I don't think it's that difficult to get people to understand that they need to stimulate your mind before they get a chance to stimulate your body. It might seem as if it is because there are so many crazies on this site! The smart doms are out there, and are fairly plentiful - but you will have to reject a few players before you encounter one.

VaguelyCurious -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 3:15:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: reynardfox Anyone who accuses you of topping from the bottom is just too weak and lazy to give you the attention that you need. That's probably true. But anyone who talks with this kind of smugness about the 'weak and lazy' is just as bad. quote: Don't worry about causing offence, if they can't take the heat, what on earth are they doing in here? I'm perfectly capable of providing intellectual stimulation. But I find this kind of attitude highly unattractive. I want someone secure enough in themself to be able to interact without needing to put others down in order to make themself feel good. Manners and grace cost nothing.

twistedwillow -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 3:39:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious I'm perfectly capable of providing intellectual stimulation. But I find this kind of attitude highly unattractive. I want someone secure enough in themself to be able to interact without needing to put others down in order to make themself feel good. Manners and grace cost nothing. Agree with VC here. Uncalled for rudeness and smugness is highly unattractive. Hell, even called for rudeness and smugness is unattractive.

loverly -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 4:04:16 AM)
yes but why is it that when you are having a conversation and they ( the Dom ) says they wish to stimulate my mind all they mean is that they want to cyber... its not about getting to know how i tick or share how they tick with me! They use the guise of well if we arent compatiable online in this way then we will never connect in person.. what a crock! its as if they do not know that mostly for females ( or for me at least ) it takes a personal touch.. breathing the same air at some point, talking and sharing everything about us with the other, holding hands, laughing together, kissing...before passion and intimacy happens.. Sure .. Interest can be sparked ..but then it needs to move forward. i too am polite like twisted willow.. i just dont see the point in being rude.. yes... i feel like it sometimes as it does get tiring.. but i would rather leave a good impression.. even on those not seemingly not worth it. It is all GREATLY FRUSTRATING!

crazyml -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 4:28:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Because nobody likes being rejected. However if that's what you say to people when you turn them down, I don't blame them for being pissy. It's a snotty thing to say. Try being polite about it. "I'm sorry, I don't think we're compatible. Good luck in your search". Out of interest how did you infer that she said it in a rude way?

jbcurious -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 5:00:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: loverly yes but why is it that when you are having a conversation and they ( the Dom ) says they wish to stimulate my mind all they mean is that they want to cyber... its not about getting to know how i tick or share how they tick with me! They use the guise of well if we arent compatiable online in this way then we will never connect in person.. what a crock! its as if they do not know that mostly for females ( or for me at least ) it takes a personal touch.. breathing the same air at some point, talking and sharing everything about us with the other, holding hands, laughing together, kissing...before passion and intimacy happens.. Sure .. Interest can be sparked ..but then it needs to move forward. i too am polite like twisted willow.. i just dont see the point in being rude.. yes... i feel like it sometimes as it does get tiring.. but i would rather leave a good impression.. even on those not seemingly not worth it. It is all GREATLY FRUSTRATING! It is frustrating... I've talked to a lot of Doms on this site...and so far only 3 have "engaged" me. They've done this with the art of conversation...of sharing life stories, funny anecdotes, talk of career, family and light hearted chit chat. One I believe was just being kind to the "new sub"... but his kind attention has given me confidence. Another has given me lessons in ancient history and has the ability to reach directly into my brain and make me sqirm delightfully...but we're at 2 very different stages in life. The 3rd is still ongoing...distance is a factor... but there may be ways to deal with that. My profile says... "capture me with your words" So emails that say "Hi", "Good afternoon" or "beautiful eyes".... What am I supposed to do with that?

DesFIP -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 5:53:37 AM)
From the fact that she said she can't get them to understand they aren't stimulating her mind and therefore won't be allowed to stimulate her body. I'm assuming she meant what she said, and that she is saying this. And having someone say "you aren't capable of stimulating my mind" is being rude. There's no reason for it. If she said "I'm sorry, we're not compatible. Good luck" she probably wouldn't get any rude responses. But rude begets rude. If in fact she isn't saying that, then she needs to clarify what she is saying so we can give better advice. As far as loverly, you need to say straight out, "I don't discuss sex with people I am not friends with. If that's all you want to talk about now, then we aren't compatible. Goodbye". Men need direct statements, and if you aren't being direct then they won't get it. They will assume since you're meeting on an adult site that you are interested in talking about this. If you aren't, say so bluntly. Hinting or worse, needing them to read your mind does not work.

leadership527 -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 7:33:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveatia Why is it so difficult to get people to understand that if they cannot stimulate my mind I wont allow them to stimulate my body? They accuse me of topping from the bottom when I tell them this... Well, at risk of pissing off vaguelycurious, I'm going to have to agree with reynard on this one. In my mind, the claim "topping from the bottom" is a sure fire sign that the person saying it is not dominant.... at least not by any definition of that word that I would be able to come up with.

domiguy -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 7:57:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveatia Why is it so difficult to get people to understand that if they cannot stimulate my mind I wont allow them to stimulate my body? They accuse me of topping from the bottom when I tell them this... Here is the problem...(taken from your profile) "I have been called "saucy" by Master Of Angels. He has been my mentor. If you are curious about me and want to know more please speak with him." Do I first have to stimulate some douchebag's brain to get to yours? Do you think that you are worth this kind of an effort? If you are so smart, then why do you need a mentor and why should I give a flying fuck that he thinks that you are "saucy." I then had to go read his profile. I like the part where he "creeps out" his co-workers and complains about all of the fakes out here. Sounds like the perfect CM'er. Married, mentor, creepy and thinks that you are "saucy."

CalifChick -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 11:10:16 AM)
Stimulating the mind is a relationship-thing, not a BDSM-thing. And it's certainly nothing new or unique. BDSM World Rejection: You're topping from the bottom. Vanilla World Rejection: You're ugly/fat/whatever, it was going to be a pity fuck anyway. Cali

Andalusite -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 11:44:08 AM)
I agree that it could come across as rude - either accusing them of being stupid and boring, or as you wanting cybersex before you're willing to meet. When I was looking, I politely refused to engage in cybersex (and usually told anyone who asked that we weren't compatible), and mentioned that I needed to interact with someone in person before I could know if we had any sexual or D/s chemistry. I agree with Jeff (Leadership) that accusing you of topping from the bottom comes across as insecurity, or getting back at you for rejection. If you can change the way you phrase it a bit, I don't think you'll be met with hostility like that.

windchymes -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 2:56:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveatia Why is it so difficult to get people to understand that if they cannot stimulate my mind I wont allow them to stimulate my body? They accuse me of topping from the bottom when I tell them this... If you're talking about meeting guys in chat rooms or kinky websites and engaging them in intellectual talk, I can tell you that MOST of them are not looking for intelligent talk and they aren't hoping to stimulate your mind. I can totally relate to needing mind stimulation, though. But you're better off looking for it in intellectual places, like taking classes, the library, bookstore, lectures, exhibitions, things like that. Kinky chat room, not so much.

lally2 -> RE: The fine art of stimulation (4/18/2010 3:15:55 PM)
ive just read her profile, what a long winded diatribe of whinging and negativity, if she gets any attention from anyone id be enormously surprised. i keep seeing these miserable profiles each time i log on - what the hell is wrong with these people

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