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Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 12:18:30 PM   
dowryvirginslave


Posts: 3
Joined: 3/20/2010
Status: offline 		Hello All, sort of wondering what people, especially Mistresses think of this sort-of predicament.  What does a sweet, sincere, would-be service slave do about Dommes wanting to call and meet too soon?  Don't get me wrong, it's a privilege for any slave so fortunate.  But i keep meeting potentially great Dommes with whom i have a connection, and this unfortunate thing keeps happening.  Don't get me wrong Ladies, i know you get alot of garbage and abuse, and guys who jerk to Your chats and disappear are a big concern.  But i'm a (cute and sweet - really ;) nervous virgin looking to give his heart (and his tender ass) to the right Goddess.  It's not a marriage, it comes in stages, and it's all good, every step.  But is it even possible, given how hard You all have it, to take a few weeks to get to know someone?  I really don't mean to be petulant or critical; You're in the game You're in, and the rules are the rules.  But I'm sure at least one or two Dommes i spoke with were sort-of willing to put in the time, maybe if they could verify my sincerity?  But I'm terribly shy and worried about being 'outed' too.  I just know I'd make an excellent slave, not to be prideful.  Is there any way out of this sort of reverse friend zone?  Curious to hear Y/your thoughts...... DVS.
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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 12:25:02 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dowryvirginslave
What does a sweet, sincere, would-be service slave do about Dommes wanting to call and meet too soon? 

I'm a guy who meets women off the internet.  For me, if she's not willing to talk on the phone within five days, and set an in-real-life meeting date within two weeks of first contact, then I'm not interested.  Plenty of women will, and the more serious ones insist on it.

If I can be that way with women, who objectively have more to lose from a first meeting than a man does, then I don't think there's any such thing as "too soon" if a woman asks to meet a man in real.

To me, you sound like a fantasist, who is too scared of his kink to take action on it.  Well, 99% of life really is showing up.  As long as you fool yourself about your super-slaveness, you will remain a poser who lies to women on the internet because he is lying to himself.  Either show up, or don't.  Women already have plenty of emails in their inboxes from men who have no intention of "doing" anything other than making promises.  Do you really want to be part of that group?

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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 12:33:40 PM   
dowryvirginslave


Posts: 3
Joined: 3/20/2010
Status: offline 		Absolutely.  That's basically my conclusion, that I'm not good enough for them.  That's okay, I'll improve and try again.  More confidence, to give more better.  But, and here's where I'm looking for a Woman's feedback, anything I could have done or should do when I come back, to get things established properly.  But yeah, someone had to say "fantasist".  Cheers, DVS.

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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 12:39:30 PM   
aphrodite5


Posts: 71
Joined: 8/5/2007
Status: offline 		For me -- and I presume for many -- I'm not comfortable spending a bunch of time talking online without moving into the 'real world.' Weeks of chatting online says nothing of whether we'll get along in person. I don't want to make that kind of time investment without knowing who I'm dealing with. People act different behind the anonymity of the internet. To say nothing of potential chemistry.

If you absolutely do NOT want to meet anyone or talk on the phone before you've chatted for a few weeks, then please state that up front. It will be a deal-breaker for a few, and you'll still get the occasional pushy person wanting to change your mind. But, overall, you should see a reduction in the amount of women you talk to that want to move faster than you're able. I see that it is mentioned in your profile, but perhaps it needs to be moved to a more prominent position? Your profile is long and many people 'skim' a wordy description like that, which could lead to missing that very important bit of information.

Edited to say: What RedMagic says is very true. Women get a LOT of email. You are just one among the many until you do something to set yourself apart -- like meeting in person or talking on the phone.


< Message edited by aphrodite5 -- 4/19/2010 12:42:59 PM >

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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 12:53:17 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		To me it depends on the person and how we communicate and how much time we have to communicate before a meeting. Some I have met right away and some, even just friends have taken a long time to meet for different reasons. When I feel comfortable and ready to meet, we meet. I quite often meet someone at my home and have reasons for that, so I tend to get to know someone fairly well before this happens. Most wouldn't suggest doing it this way, but it is far easier for me and I am not afraid! I can gain a stalker/peepingtom/freak guy from my own neighborhood and often have. I have one now who likes to visit around two in the morning. lol As long as he stays outside he will be safe. The moment one inch of him enters... that inch will be taken off.

Many have gotten frustrated with me because I wouldn't meet them or go to messenger or phone right away. There are reasons for everything I do or don't do and I may not wish to share those reasons with people right away. Most who wish to meet are typically looking for a hook up and for me that is a waste of my time. I want to see if they are interested in me or the hook up. Although there are some I have invited to messenger/phone the first day I communicated with them, most don't get there until we reach a certain place in communication. I know some dominant's that insist on meeting within a week. They have far more poor meets than I do and a lot more wasted time and I know some of the people they have met and they really did put their life in danger. I knew the backgrounds of a couple of these men and I wouldn't meet them for anything in the world unless it was behind a weapon.

When I really like someone right off and we communicate well... mostly if they can make me laugh and 'get' me, I will meet much sooner. I can understand someone being hesitant about meeting right away as I can be sometimes, but it can also be a sign of someone who isn't sure of what they want and they feel more comfortable playing online games. I know some might think that of me, but I really don't let it bother me.

While how I do things might cost me in some way, I really don't care. If someone isn't going to work with me or listen or see my reasons that I will explain at some point, well I guess I will be single a bit longer. I do what I am comfortable with and expect others to do the same. Just because someone is submissive doesn't change the rules as there are no rules. They should be comfortable. Of course they should also be ready to face the results of their comfort zone and risk the chance of people not being willing to change how they do things and what they want.

What concerns me is your statement about being outed. How is meeting someone in a public place outing you?


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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 12:54:55 PM   
CarrieO


Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dowryvirginslave

Hello All, sort of wondering what people, especially Mistresses think of this sort-of predicament.  What does a sweet, sincere, would-be service slave do about Dommes wanting to call and meet too soon?

One meets the woman if one wants to be part of reality.  Don't mistake meeting with a woman for playing, though.

Don't get me wrong, it's a privilege for any slave so fortunate.  But i keep meeting potentially great Dommes with whom i have a connection, and this unfortunate thing keeps happening. 

No, you don't keep meeting them.  To do so would mean you actually shared breathing space with them...that's meeting.  Chatting online is just that...online.

Don't get me wrong Ladies, i know you get alot of garbage and abuse, and guys who jerk to Your chats and disappear are a big concern.  But i'm a (cute and sweet - really ;) nervous virgin looking to give his heart (and his tender ass) to the right Goddess. 

I'm sorry, how does allowing a person the opportunity to perform certain acts on your body have anything to do with meeting a person in meatlife?
 
It's not a marriage, it comes in stages, and it's all good, every step.  But is it even possible, given how hard You all have it, to take a few weeks to get to know someone?  I really don't mean to be petulant or critical; You're in the game You're in, and the rules are the rules.  But I'm sure at least one or two Dommes i spoke with were sort-of willing to put in the time, maybe if they could verify my sincerity? 

How do you purpose they "verify" your "sincerity"?  Don't you think meeting face to face would be a good start?  It would make you look much more sincere to me than just wanting to chat for endless hours. 

But I'm terribly shy and worried about being 'outed' too. 

Whoa.....how would meeting a woman for coffee be "outing" for you?  Unless, what you mean by meeting involves more than just coffee.

I just know I'd make an excellent slave, not to be prideful.  Is there any way out of this sort of reverse friend zone?  Curious to hear Y/your thoughts...... DVS.

Is there a way out?  Sure, buck up and start getting out into the world and away from your computer.  Meeting someone doesn't have to entail having your every fantasy fulfilled...it's coffee.  I understand it's difficult to do that if you're extremely shy but, contrary wise, it's going to be equally difficult to meet the woman you seek if you aren't willing to make the effort to explore life...and coffee-filled first meets.
 
Also...a word of advice concerning your profile.  Drop the first paragraph...everything else seems fine but that first part reads pure fantasy, in my opinion.  I'd also delete the 2 journal entries...very defeatist sounding. Finally...buck up man, you've only been on here for a month...Rome wasn't built in a day and fantasies don't always become reality according to our wishes.  Patience...use the time to work on yourself and your confidence.
 
Good luck.



< Message edited by CarrieO -- 4/19/2010 1:02:22 PM >

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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 12:56:14 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dowryvirginslave

Absolutely.  That's basically my conclusion, that I'm not good enough for them.  That's okay, I'll improve and try again.  More confidence, to give more better.  But, and here's where I'm looking for a Woman's feedback, anything I could have done or should do when I come back, to get things established properly.  But yeah, someone had to say "fantasist".  Cheers, DVS.


Key words there. If someone is talking to me and goes away and comes back, he typically wouldn't ever have to worry about meeting me. It most likely wouldn't happen because he most likely doesn't know what he wants and is playing games with himself and me.


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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 12:58:16 PM   
Voodali


Posts: 255
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline 		     Your post indicates that you already know all this, OP, but my thoughts are:
    There are some very good reasons why Dommes want to meet a boy face to face ASAP.  In the past,I often made the mistake of slowly getting to know someone online.  Often we seemed compatible, my hopes got raised, and I ended up sort of "playing" with him online, but always with the foolish notion that it would move beyond online someday soon.  The boys seemed so sincere. We discussed what we supposedly would do once we met, and guess what ? For one reason or another, the meeting never happened. (with one notable  exception)The boy got his temporary fantasy fix for free, and I ended up with nothing tangible again. (This is why I'm very pro prodommes. Some boys like to use us for jackoff material, when they really should be compensating for our time and effort in one way or another.)
    Another time I met a boy who seemed charming and compatible. he claimed to be and sent a pic of a man around my age, but a few weeks later, he confessed to me that he was 16, and had simply borrowed some random guy's picture.
    After the first dozen times, the raising and dashing of hopes gets a bit old. I now expect to meet someone in person after just a few emails.
    I am sure that these sorts of mishaps happen to the unwary, dom/me and sub alike, all the time. As sincere as you may be, my suggestion is that you take steps to overcome your shyness ( I have, so I know its doable) and just meet the lady. The jitters subside once you start talking, and alcohol helps. Seriously, you are very lucky to have the opportunity to meet a Domme in person. I imagine a lot of guys would give their left manboob for the privilege of meeting one who wasn't charging by the hour. Just do it !

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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 1:18:58 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		What is wrong with talking or meeting right away?

I've met people after a brief email, sight unseen. It's really not that big a deal.


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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 1:20:16 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline 		I'm in the same boat as a lot of the other femdoms:  spent lots of time getting to know someone, then when it came time to meet, the guy was a no-show.  Then he'd come crawling back days/weeks/months/years later asking for a second chance.

If I were still looking for someone, the 'he' in question would need to have himself together enough that he could meet fairly soon after establishing contact.  And that's what you need to do:  deal with your insecurities and fears before you try to have a relationship.  It isn't fair to the woman to put her through your personal craziness.  You're only meeting for a drink/cup of tea/bite to eat, for heaven's sake.

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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 1:27:22 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		I'm going to go against the rest here - we spend lots of time talking online. The boy we add to our family has to get along with 3 people. He has to talk to at least two of us before he gets to meet us, and that is sometimes problematic due to work schedules and such. He has to talk to me first, then Holly and/or rob. It goes at the pace that we are all comfortable with ... and if the boy isn't comfortable with the pace that Holly and I set, then he is obviously not compatable with us.

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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 1:27:40 PM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Voodali

     Seriously, you are very lucky to have the opportunity to meet a Domme in person. I imagine a lot of guys would give their left manboob for the privilege of meeting one who wasn't charging by the hour. Just do it !


The Lady is telling You exactly what to do. As long as it is a public place.

But if you are asking for advice, i can tell you from experience ... your mileage WILL vary with this question.

Always remember, the Lady sets the pace (just like in vanilla) and when She wants to meet ... go ... you won't get a second chance.

While it is my experience that "generally" a Lady will want to chat ... move to phone ... and then arrange a meeting ... it is not always the case.

i have had one or two or three experiences, where W/we emailed, talked on the phone, and met the same day.

i had one, actually have me pick Her up and drive Her two hundred miles to Her friends house. Of course, She gave Her son my license plate number and name, and also arranged a safe call ... but that was really unusual. Yet W/we had a great chat on the road ... in person.

So the point is ... the Lady controls ... the timing will be all over the map ... and just be happy you didn't put up with endless chatting and talking ... wondering when, or if, You would meet!

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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 1:31:23 PM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dowryvirginslave

Hello All, sort of wondering what people, especially Mistresses think of this sort-of predicament.  What does a sweet, sincere, would-be service slave do about Dommes wanting to call and meet too soon?  Don't get me wrong, it's a privilege for any slave so fortunate.  But i keep meeting potentially great Dommes with whom i have a connection, and this unfortunate thing keeps happening.  Don't get me wrong Ladies, i know you get alot of garbage and abuse, and guys who jerk to Your chats and disappear are a big concern.  But i'm a (cute and sweet - really ;) nervous virgin looking to give his heart (and his tender ass) to the right Goddess.  It's not a marriage, it comes in stages, and it's all good, every step.  But is it even possible, given how hard You all have it, to take a few weeks to get to know someone?  I really don't mean to be petulant or critical; You're in the game You're in, and the rules are the rules.  But I'm sure at least one or two Dommes i spoke with were sort-of willing to put in the time, maybe if they could verify my sincerity?  But I'm terribly shy and worried about being 'outed' too.  I just know I'd make an excellent slave, not to be prideful.  Is there any way out of this sort of reverse friend zone?  Curious to hear Y/your thoughts...... DVS.

Why are you worried about meeting them too soon in the first place. As some have pointed out..Step up to the plate and meet them for a casual date or be quiet and settle with the BS group that Red has eluded too.

Unless this of course is a way to get them to look at your profile.

< Message edited by Icarys -- 4/19/2010 1:43:14 PM >

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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 1:49:43 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

If I were still looking for someone, the 'he' in question would need to have himself together enough that he could meet fairly soon after establishing contact...You're only meeting for a drink/cup of tea/bite to eat, for heaven's sake.
This exactly. She's not going to pull out the whips and chains in the middle of Starbucks (see? I can use American reference frames! :D). If you aren't ready to have a coffee (*just* a coffee) with me PDQ then you aren't going to be someone I really want to know.


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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 1:59:56 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		~FR~
 
I'm going to agree with Ms. Karen; slower is better for me.  I don't want to talk to you on the phone, much less meet you in person, until I've communicated with you through email on this site and maybe IM for at least a month.  I don't want you to have my private email address, let alone my phone number, until I feel some level of trust with you and that won't happen in a couple of days or even a couple of weeks.  The only exception to this general rule is if you're local to me and I'm going to be out with friends in a public place at a particular time.  Then I might invite you to meet up with me at that event. 
 
Bottom line -- know your comfort level and communicate it clearly to any prospective dominants.  If you're not compatible in the area of when to move from email and IM to phone or face, then you're probably not going to be compatible on other levels. 

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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 2:00:14 PM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious


She's not going to pull out the whips and chains in the middle of Starbucks (see? I can use American reference frames!


Or Tim Horton's for the Canadians .... :-)

See i can be "international" too.

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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 2:11:12 PM   
LadyNTrainer


Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline 		I think that a reasonably local guy who won't meet me in public for a cup of coffee within a few email exchanges is 99.9% likely to just be jerking me around, and I'd be done investing any energy in him.  There's too many time wasters out there who will never, ever show up; they just want to use you for free wank fodder while lying about their intentions to meet you in real life.  Forget it; not playing that game. 

This is assuming I'm interested in him as a personal partner and feel comfortable enough with him to have done the inviting myself.  If he's just a client, he gets the time he pays for whether that's online or in person, and I will not meet in person before an in-depth online interview, except at a public BDSM event I already plan to be at.  I will meet a client only if I've worked with them online long enough to feel comfortable that he's not going to either stand me up for the meeting, or be a physical danger to me if he's coming to my home for a session. 

Still, assuming everyone is serious and committed to a real life meeting on both sides of the equation, it should be gotten to fairly quickly.  Otherwise, the most likely situation is that the person who is serious about wanting a real life meeting is wasting their time on a wanker who will never show up in real life.


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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 2:16:23 PM   
MsKittyBlack


Posts: 63
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dowryvirginslave

Absolutely.  That's basically my conclusion, that I'm not good enough for them.  That's okay, I'll improve and try again.  More confidence, to give more better.  But, and here's where I'm looking for a Woman's feedback, anything I could have done or should do when I come back, to get things established properly.  But yeah, someone had to say "fantasist".  Cheers, DVS.


You cannot prove anything from behind a keyboard and a computer screen. You need to be brave enough to meet a Woman in public or smart enough to stop wasting their time.

(in reply to dowryvirginslave)
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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 2:27:19 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo
The Lady is telling You exactly what to do. As long as it is a public place.

But if you are asking for advice, i can tell you from experience ... your mileage WILL vary with this question.

Always remember, the Lady sets the pace (just like in vanilla) and when She wants to meet ... go ... you won't get a second chance.

So the point is ... the Lady controls ... the timing will be all over the map ... and just be happy you didn't put up with endless chatting and talking ... wondering when, or if, You would meet!

That, right there, is the exact answer.

OP, as you've gotten various responses on this thread, please notice that different women have talked about different approaches to this.  Yet, every single one of them is basing their answer on the way they do things.  Whether it's fast or slow, they are the ones setting the pace.  It's very common for Dominant women to want to take the lead in how fast things progress.

If for whatever reason that pace is too quick for you, that's your right to say so.  At the same time, it's just as much within someone's rights not to want to go at a pace that is too slow for them.

Personally, I don't want to spend hours upon hours chatting online and it's only in rare cases that I'm that much of a phone person.  If someone hesitates to meet Me in public, I'm probably going to pass them by.


_____________________________

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RE: Dommes calling too soon? - 4/19/2010 2:55:15 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

She's not going to pull out the whips and chains in the middle of Starbucks (see? I can use American reference frames! :D).



Ha!  When I was in London in October, the place was over-run with Starbucks.  

What happened to all those wonderful workmen's caffs that served the tea slopped over in the saucer and an iced bun on the side?

(We now return you to our regularly scheduled topic about those pushy dommes and why they want to meet you sometime this millennium.)

< Message edited by Venatrix -- 4/19/2010 3:01:53 PM >

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