I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (Full Version)

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WolfeTone -> I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 1:48:54 AM)

Really, I mean I'm just now embracing this side of me and have spoken with some wonderful people, and this Gorean lifestyle is positively intriguing....but I don't want to hurt anyone. Some people I've spoken with have said they enjoy being bitten, and punched, degraded, whipped, beaten....I don't like that. I bear no animosity towards anyone here, why would I want to hurt them? I guess my question is if I'm ever with someone and they want to be physically hurt, what do I do? I mean, they'd enjoy it, but I wouldn't, but isn't part of a relationship pleasing the other? Any help would be lovely. 



Focus50 -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 2:45:03 AM)

"Hurt" is a subjective word. If you've taken the time to get the sub's headspace right, the average beating won't hurt at all if she's lost in sub-space. And the soreness and bruises that come out later serve to remind the sub of where she was to get them - ie, sub-space, wonderful wonderful sub-space.

Of course there is also the Dom's headspace. If you've got some sort of mental block telling you it's wrong to hit, then that's a tough hurdle to get past. Indeed, if you don't wish to get past it, you won't....

The key is always finding a compatible partner. Not all submissives are into erotic pain anyway. Alternatively, a mutual chemistry and a strong dose of communication with a sub who does enjoy erotic pain can go a loooong way to at least dabbling with something light. I've yet to meet a sub who didn't enjoy the dominance dynamic of being laid bare-cheeks-up over a knee for a paddling that didn't necessarily have anything to do with pain. It's probably one of the oldest vanilla concepts of punishing a female - it has history. Lol, "punish"....

So I'd suggest you stick with being yourself, find a sub compatible with your needs - and don't make such a big deal about how you don't enjoy "hurting" someone because A), you don't seem to understand the notion of erotic pain and B), your protests are giving off a negative stigma that subs are being assaulted and dom/mes are committing crimes. And it just ain't so...!

Focus.



WolfeTone -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 2:55:35 AM)

Thanks mate for taking the time to respond.
Yes, it will be a hurdle for me to jump, but I'll get there. No, I don't exactly understand the meaning of erotic pain, but I will learn. I certainly don't think it's illegal, not at all. Some of it's my easy-going personality, the other part is fear mate. I'm a large man, and I don't know my own strength. I certainly don't want to "really" hurt anyone, you know?



Level -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 3:45:43 AM)

One thing to keep in mind, you don't HAVE to "hurt" anyone. Not everyone into kink is into pain, giving and/or recieving.




DesFIP -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 4:20:29 AM)

Find a sub who isn't into pain either.

I'm not into pain, nor is he. Our favorite is bondage instead. The occasional pinch or clamp to get me to squeal is sufficient for him, he doesn't need me cowering in fear or sobbing from the pain.

Instead of focusing on what you don't like, have you found anything you do like? Focus on that.

With that said, some things that appear painful aren't. Hot wax can be painful but it can also be something that immediately puts her into a blissed out state. Being spanked while he alternates playing with me isn't painful, it's erotic as hell. You don't have to use full force or the nastiest cane around.

And then there's orgasm. Keeping someone on the edge for an hour while they beg and plead incoherently and then sending them over the top in a climax that's better than any they've had before isn't painful but it is all about his control. As is forced orgasm, when you stimulate her over and over not allowing her time to breathe between them. Not painful but totally not in the sub's control.



rideemwet -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 4:40:22 AM)

Doctor, Doctor, it hurts when I do that!  What should I do?
Don't do that!

Seriously, if it bothers you, don't.  If you're the Dom, there is no reason to do what you're uncomfortable with.

But, as a suggestion to keep in mind, you'll find that people react to the same stimulus differently at different times.  For example, in vanilla terms, if I jump on a gal and start pounding intercourse with no foreplay/warm-up, it may be quite unpleasant for a gal.  (There are  subs that would be very turned on by that, BTW).  Similarly, in the kink world, in the right situation, some "stimulus" that would normally be perceived as painful is perceived as intensely erotic & satisfying.  Don't think of it as pain, think of it as pleasure that possibly leaves marks.  You don't have to be a pain-invoking sadist to enjoy delivering a good OTK spanking!  and you may eventually realize what many masochists really seek ... stimulation so intense that it can leave bruises/marks/etc, but its not really pain in the way you think about pain.





GraciousLady -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 4:56:53 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: WolfeTone

Really, I mean I'm just now embracing this side of me and have spoken with some wonderful people, and this Gorean lifestyle is positively intriguing....but I don't want to hurt anyone. Some people I've spoken with have said they enjoy being bitten, and punched, degraded, whipped, beaten....I don't like that. I bear no animosity towards anyone here, why would I want to hurt them? I guess my question is if I'm ever with someone and they want to be physically hurt, what do I do? I mean, they'd enjoy it, but I wouldn't, but isn't part of a relationship pleasing the other? Any help would be lovely. 


Hello and welcome to the lifestyle. I hope you have many happy and satisfying years ahead of you.

I think you have a slight misunderstanding about the full scope of this lifestyle because the popular opinion about it is we are all beating the crap out of each other all the time. The truth is there are many nuances. I myself can not conceive of striking another living creature for any reason. My thing is control. I like ritual, service and very light bondage sometimes. So, a good match for me is a very submissive person who does not need much physical stimulation.

Just hang out here and learn and soon you'll get to know more about the lifestyle and yourself.



DarkSteven -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 4:57:34 AM)

So tell us - what part of being a Dom DO you like?



PrimalConsonance -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 5:12:25 AM)

Are we talking about a "Do-me" Dom?  Not that there's anything wrong with that...I suppose you could assert control without using a more "hands-on" approach.  And if you are going to utilize domination over another, then certainly a good stern look, or a whispered word could make some melt and submit:  but so far that has only worked for Sean Connery and only a few generations of females.  Good luck on that!



afkarr -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 5:35:48 AM)

Some sadists are Doms; but not all Doms are sadists. There are many ways in which one can be "dominant" that have nothing to do with physical contact, and many ways to be kinky which have noting to do without hurting. Find the right balance for you, and then find a partner that matches them.

There are nearly as many female profiles on here that say something along the lines of "I'm not a pain slut, but more service oriented" as there are ones that say "beat my freaky ass senseless".



leadership527 -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 6:53:13 AM)

For starters Wolfe, it's definitely something you should rethink in your own head... if for no other reason than broadening your own horizons. It isn't "hurting" someone in the way you would normally think about it. It took me about a year to see all the SM stuff differently.

That being said, I'm still not a sadist. I "get it", but it doesn't do anything for me. So I just go about my happy way bossing my wife around without all the SM stuff. There's no rule that says a dom must be a sadist. For me, it's all about owning a woman.



Andalusite -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 7:50:06 AM)

Find partners who aren't masochistic, and who don't need corporal punishment. *shrugs* There are plenty of other people who are into D/s but not S/M. You might explore bondage, since that isn't necessarily painful, and see whether or not it appeals to you. I wouldn't want someone to hurt me out of anger toward me, that's abusive. Spankings are for *good* subbies!



sweetsub1957 -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 10:06:30 AM)

i would focus on the things that You DO like and find a partner who also likes them.....and who does NOT like what You actively dislike. if You are not a Sadist, find someone who is not a masochist. There are enough people into bdsm, there is someone for everyone pretty much. Not everyone is into S&M. Some are, say, more bondage-oriented for instance.

~sweetsub~



Musicmystery -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 10:08:02 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

So tell us - what part of being a Dom DO you like?

I was wondering the same thing.



WolfeTone -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 11:20:27 AM)

Well I want to say thank you to everyone that took the time to respond. I had spoken with many people over messages, and I suppose that some came off a little "strong". I am still very new to this, and I didn't much like the idea of choking anyone, as one person expressed interest in. I just got somewhat scared is all. I know I need to "stick around" and learn more on the subject, and probably should have before posting this thread, what with hindsight being 20/20.

What do I like about being a Dom? Well I guess the role-playing part is what most excites me, bondage, maybe a light spanking or caning. Some of the messages frightened me is all. I shouldn't much put them down, if that is what they are into, well then, more power to them, and who am I to cheapen it? I'm just not into that.

Much learning ahead.



realtime62 -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 3:03:59 PM)

There are plenty of subs who want to serve and submit, but who are not masochists.



WolfeTone -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/21/2010 3:17:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: realtime62

There are plenty of subs who want to serve and submit, but who are not masochists.
This is true mate, I'm finding that out more and more since posting this. I was a bit hasty in it. Some rather nice people were also kind enough to send me a message explaining it.
Thanks.



erebus -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/24/2010 8:45:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: realtime62

There are plenty of subs who want to serve and submit, but who are not masochists.


Agree.  Find someone who wants to wait on you hand and foot, and clean your bathroom.  Service subs should abound. 



aldompdx -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/25/2010 1:31:05 AM)

Mastery is first of one's self. Self control earns the honor and respect of a partner who surrenders by free choice from self will. Control is not agression, abuse, violence, or sadism.

Just as one should only choose to surrender to a partner who matches their priorities, needs, limits, and preferences -- so too should you choose only to engage in expressing your control with a partner who appreciates your values.

Generally, one who respects themself also has the capacity to respect you.



reynardfox -> RE: I'm a dom but don't want to hurt anyone (4/25/2010 3:53:39 AM)

I had agonies of guilt when I first came into this lifestyle and it took me years to come to terms with it. The fact is that you are not hurting anyone if you are doing what they want. Don't look at it as simply pain, but look at it as extreme sensation and relevant to a strong sensuality. We live in a world where real sensations are rare and a sharp physical sensation can be a very real turn on.
I started out by spanking girls, then moved on to riding crop and cane games, then whips of all descriptions and restraints, fisting, butt plugs, the lot.
Currently I am developing a keen interest in milking games, which is going very well.
I honestly wish I could go back and reassure myself that it was all going to be great fun and that the wrongness of it, was just my own misunderstanding of how tough subs are and that they always know what they want. Don't worry, if they don't like it, you will soon find out!!!



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