Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships?

Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid

Message

AquaticSub -> Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/24/2010 2:37:29 PM)
This is something that's been a pet peeve of mine for awhile, though I'm sure I've done this sometimes myself. To be clear, this is not a CM issue. This is an issue I've seen on mutiple boards, seen happen in real life and have heard others gripe about it as well. Someone (99 percent of the time a sub/slave/pet/ec in my experience) will come on the 'net and make a post about their relationship in which they discuss a problem and seek advice. They get chewed out for talking about their owner like that on the Internet, assuming that it couldn't be possible the owner wouldn't be upset. They'll be at a play party, with full permission to scene, and when it comes up another person wants to tattle on them to their owner. I don't mean "Oh, I'm sorry I want to meet them and make sure it's ok with them before I scene with you for my comfort", I mean "What are you doing out here without them? I'm going to contact them to let them know what you are up to!". Why assume that people don't know their rules and relationship guidelines?

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/24/2010 2:58:32 PM)
Because some peope have over inflated egos and think they know it all. People assume alot online and don't really know the whole story.

Aylee -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/24/2010 3:08:08 PM)
Aqua (AKA Ms. Butterscotch), I think that it gives them a sense of importance. They feel 'power' from having a secret, but the only way anyone will know that they have the secret is to tell someone the secret. Even when it is NOT a secret. I know that it has happened to me. A couple of years ago, I posted about being in New Orleans. Big whoop-de-do, right? An individual saw the posting and just HAD to call the other half to let him know that I was there. I was never sure if they figured that he had not noticed that I and Butterhead were gone from the house, or if they thought that where I was at was a secret. I do know that the other half was a bit confussed at the phone call.

lizi -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/24/2010 3:39:08 PM)
The first thing you outlined as far as coming to the message boards, I'm not exactly sure why it's a huge no no to ask a personal type question as it relates to a relationship. I understand that airing dirty laundry is not really cool because it has the potential to hurt others, but on the other hand, getting input as to what to do can help solve the problem. I tend to be one who likes getting input from people about whatever is puzzling me, it helps me make better decisions in the end to go outside of my own thoughts and feelings to see things more objectively - so my goal from the start would not be to 'tell' on my owner or disclose to the world my problems, it would be to solve that problem in an effective way that would benefit everyone involved. As far as the second scenario where one half of a couple is at a play party, perhaps the potential play partner asks because they don't want to be involved in a mess...? Maybe they're asking to cover their own butts and possibly avoid drama if the other half comes up later and gets upset.

littlewonder -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/24/2010 4:38:58 PM)
I don't play casually but if I was to, I would want to talk to the other person in the relationship to make sure it was ok with them not because the person may or may not know their own rules and guidelines or relationship but because I would want to protect my ass from the other person finding out and them coming after me and to protect my own morals and values.

cpK69 -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/24/2010 4:45:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub Why assume that people don't know their rules and relationship guidelines? Because… while it seems that ‘man’ has figured out that the sun does not evolve around Earth, many now believe they are the sun. As in; “all things are relative to me, if not, it is not genuine”. Kim

sweetsub1957 -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/24/2010 5:08:10 PM)
i don't play casually but, if i did, i'd want to talk to that person's significant other first to make sure i was not taking part in something i shouldn't be. They may know the rules in their relationship, but i'd still want to make sure it was okay before doing anything. ~sweetsub~

LadyAngelika -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/24/2010 5:26:32 PM)
quote: Why assume that people don't know their rules and relationship guidelines? I think there are 2 key issues here. One, people who make assumptions are asses. That said, when someone airs out their dirty laundry, they should expect that people have all kinds of reactions. I have a philosophy about protecting my relationships. When I have reached an intimate realm with someone, I don't want to make the details vulnerable. I'll sometimes talk about the dynamics in relationships that are over because to a certain degree that is therapeutic, but the current ones need to be guarded. If I really need help figuring something out, I'll turn to my partner to to someone else I trust very much. The second issue is your notion of playing with someone. I think a portion of this is paternalistic (do many women do this? can women be paternalistic?) because they might think that it adds to the scene. Obviously, if this erks you, they might not be the right kind of play partner for you. One last thing, I do make a distinction between people who respond to people asking for advice about a problem in their relationship from people who toss unsolicited advice around. The latter is a huge pet peeve of mine. - LA

DomImus -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/24/2010 8:18:05 PM)
It's easier to assume than to wait until page 6 when the poster finally gives all the pertinent information about the situation that should have been included in the OP ( a forum pet peeve of mine).

jbcurious -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/25/2010 1:29:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DomImus It's easier to assume than to wait until page 6 when the poster finally gives all the pertinent information about the situation that should have been included in the OP ( a forum pet peeve of mine). Ok, I'm guilty of this...[:)] but not intentionaly... Sometimes I think or feel a certain way about something, or have an issue with something and I'm not sure why... When I put it out for discussion, I process what people say, or the sdditional questions people ask make me think about things from a different angle... I've had a few revelations.

LaTigresse -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/25/2010 5:54:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub This is something that's been a pet peeve of mine for awhile, though I'm sure I've done this sometimes myself. To be clear, this is not a CM issue. This is an issue I've seen on mutiple boards, seen happen in real life and have heard others gripe about it as well. Someone (99 percent of the time a sub/slave/pet/ec in my experience) will come on the 'net and make a post about their relationship in which they discuss a problem and seek advice. They get chewed out for talking about their owner like that on the Internet, assuming that it couldn't be possible the owner wouldn't be upset. They'll be at a play party, with full permission to scene, and when it comes up another person wants to tattle on them to their owner. I don't mean "Oh, I'm sorry I want to meet them and make sure it's ok with them before I scene with you for my comfort", I mean "What are you doing out here without them? I'm going to contact them to let them know what you are up to!". Why assume that people don't know their rules and relationship guidelines? To me, the above is two very different issues. You have one bringing their personal shit onto a forum, with very limited information , either complaining about and/or asking for advice. An assumption that the complainer has their head up their ass is pretty common. Otherwise they would not have begun the process to begin with. Then you have the buttinsky shit which goes on all over the place. The reasons are as varied as the relationships. Sometimes it's one person trying to insinuate themself with one relationship party or between two. Sometimes it's just someone trying to stir shit for fun or out of spite. And sometimes it is well intended but misplaced.

AquaticSub -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/25/2010 9:05:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aylee I know that it has happened to me. A couple of years ago, I posted about being in New Orleans. Big whoop-de-do, right? An individual saw the posting and just HAD to call the other half to let him know that I was there. I was never sure if they figured that he had not noticed that I and Butterhead were gone from the house, or if they thought that where I was at was a secret. I do know that the other half was a bit confussed at the phone call. But of course... he thought you were in the sewing room the whole time. [;)] quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder I don't play casually but if I was to, I would want to talk to the other person in the relationship to make sure it was ok with them not because the person may or may not know their own rules and guidelines or relationship but because I would want to protect my ass from the other person finding out and them coming after me and to protect my own morals and values. That makes sense and, like I said, is not what I'm talking about. I don't mean "I need to talk to your partner for my comfort", I mean "I think I need to tell your partner what you are up to". They are very different things but the latter has been encountered by other people I know who also play causally. quote: ORIGINAL:LadyAngelika I have a philosophy about protecting my relationships. When I have reached an intimate realm with someone, I don't want to make the details vulnerable. I'll sometimes talk about the dynamics in relationships that are over because to a certain degree that is therapeutic, but the current ones need to be guarded. If I really need help figuring something out, I'll turn to my partner to to someone else I trust very much. While I understand and respect that, not everyone does things the same way nor does everyone have people they trust when it comes to things relating to BDSM. While I do have people I can trust in that regard, I know that I have a tendancy to emotionally over-react and like to talk things out with several friends before talking to Valyraen. It's something he's always known about and never had a problem with. quote: Obviously, if this erks you, they might not be the right kind of play partner for you. Obviously. [;)] If someone where to call Val to tattle on me, I'd say the odds are good they'll never get to play with me. But I'm curious to find out why people feel the need to do this. While I doubt it will happen, I was sort of hoping someone who has done with would come on and explain the reasoning behind it. quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse You have one bringing their personal shit onto a forum, with very limited information , either complaining about and/or asking for advice. An assumption that the complainer has their head up their ass is pretty common. Otherwise they would not have begun the process to begin with. I partially agree with those who are stating that we have to assume where information is lacking. I do think that we have to make logical assumptions sometimes to provide advice when it's asked for. But I simply don't agree that we have to assume, in general, that they don't have permission to be there, asking the question and rip the poster a new one instead of just providing the asked for advice in whatever blunt or sweet manner feels right.

LaTigresse -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/25/2010 9:12:04 AM)
I never assume anyone does not permission to be online. My assumptions tend to be more along the line of character assessment, intelligence or lack thereof, grasp on reality, etc... all based on the words a person writes while they are online. At that point I can make some assumptions on the type of person that would be attracted to that person and the type of relationship they could have.

AquaticSub -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/25/2010 10:10:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse I never assume anyone does not permission to be online. My assumptions tend to be more along the line of character assessment, intelligence or lack thereof, grasp on reality, etc... all based on the words a person writes while they are online. At that point I can make some assumptions on the type of person that would be attracted to that person and the type of relationship they could have. Which I have no problem with. It's the "Does your owner know you are talking about your relationship" line of commenting that I'm questioning. [:)]

DesFIP -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/25/2010 11:29:56 AM)
Maybe because we've seen a lot of stupid people? People who really don't think ahead and consider if the other partner might well be upset to read a post calling him a flaming idiot? There are a lot of people in this world who do things hoping they can get away with it. Those of us with good communication skills don't make interesting reading.

winterrose77 -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/25/2010 12:34:47 PM)
I'm going through a similar, but opposite situation on a thread on a different part of the forums. XD My dom knows and is perfectly content with me chatting on here and has no problem with anything I've said (he checks in every once in awhile). And when I post, I tend to post about things that have already happened between us. In the thread in question, I mentioned a situation which happened awhile ago and we had resolved, in order to ask a question of others that I was curious about. Somehow this came across as me whining about him behind his back and asking for advice. [8\|] I clarified and restated my question, hoping for answers this time. STILL MORE ADVICE ARGH. So yeah...absolutely. I think this is where D/s couples have trouble whenever they're not doing something or communicating individually. Especially over the internet, where anything you say can and will be used against you according to how someone else wanted to read it.

JonnieBoy -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/25/2010 5:32:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW Because some peope have over inflated egos and think they know it all. People assume alot online and don't really know the whole story. Ain't that the truth. Assumption can be the MOTHER of all fuck ups. Pirate

VaguelyCurious -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/25/2010 5:48:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: winterrose77 Somehow this came across as me whining about him behind his back and asking for advice. [8\|] I clarified and restated my question, hoping for answers this time. STILL MORE ADVICE ARGH. In all fairness to the advicemongers, the title of the thread was 'help?'-that does sorta imply a request for advice. OP: People like drama. People like scandal. Those things are the currency that knit otherwise disparate communities together-your [generic] potential home troubles are other people's bonding material and status enhancers. Imagine if you played with someone in a 'behind your partner's back' manner, and someone else told your partner, who then fell into a jealous intensely dramatic rage and threw you out onto the street right in front of this someone else. Said someone else would be the centre of attention at any gathering of mutual acquaintances for some time. The possibility is kinda hard for some people to pass up.

Aylee -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/25/2010 6:01:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub But of course... he thought you were in the sewing room the whole time. [;)] Okay. . . I commented about this thread to the other half. His comments were: Some people want to be amused. Amuse me by fighting. I don't want to fight with you, but I would be amused by you two fighting. I hope this helps.

AquaticSub -> RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relationships? (4/26/2010 3:07:53 PM)
Aylee, for a second I thought he wanted you and I to throw down! [;)] I do think he's onto something there though. Perhaps it's also an ego boost of "I know how to run your relationship better than you do".

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875