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Bringing BDSM into a relationship? - 4/26/2010 10:10:55 AM   
kristibabi


Posts: 1
Joined: 4/18/2009
Status: offline 		So heres a question I'm really at a loss to answer. Me and my girlfriend have been together for a while and she knows about my interestests. Shes tried a couple of times to be dominant, but it never really seems to work out well. I understand she wants me to be a man, which im totally ok with, i just want to make her happy really, but recently the topic of MY sexual interests came up again. She wants to try to do things that interest more, so heres my question. Is there a good way to make this work, some kind of ballance im not really seeing, or some way to work it out so that were both satisfied? Shes been making an effort to look up more about BDSM to see what interests her as well, I just feel like its hard for her to really be dominant in this situation. So does anyone have any suggestions? or a similar experience so they could shed some light on it for me, I'm honestly really confused about it right now.
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RE: Bringing BDSM into a relationship? - 4/26/2010 10:19:28 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		well, it looks as though you might consider a dom for the both of you.  I see you headed that way in your profile.

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(in reply to kristibabi)
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RE: Bringing BDSM into a relationship? - 4/26/2010 12:23:22 PM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		You're not going to change. She's not going to change. Trust me. I've tried. Vanilla is vanilla and stays vanilla. Kink only gets stronger.

With that in mind, if she's not "into" what gets you off, you're going to have trouble as bf/gf in long-term staying power. You can be platonic friends forever (platonic in the true sense of the word considering you're currently lovers); but, IMHO, it will never last in the long term if you're not getting out of it what you need (and vice versa).

Trust me, I've had a lot of vanilla girlfriends. When I bring up the D/s aspect, they all try it as they trust me implicitly. But, if they're not into it, they're just not into it. Where's the fun in that? You need to feed off of each other - to bring her to orgasmic delight doing your passion and she bringing you to yours with her passion.

When there's that wonderfully lustful combination of Top/bottom, it just jives perfectly - but when it's contrived, it's ... well, um ... er., well, it's contrived. That's all. You can get a hooker for 150 bucks that will contrive all you want. It's not the same.

Good luck to you though ... I wish you the best as I've been there and done vanilla ...
Ciao,
Pompeii

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: Bringing BDSM into a relationship? - 4/26/2010 9:02:22 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		another option that may work is poly. my wife is vanilla and my Mistress is Dominant. now this works for U/us so it may not work for your situatiuon but if she is acepting that you need/desier to be dominated and it is something that she isnt able to provide than a polyamorus relationship may work. start by having her see some one else being dominated and then have a open discussion about it and the aspects of it that apeal to you and what she is willing to provide. it is possible that she could not be the Dominant that you desire but having a Dominant that you serve that could give you assignments to do with you gf such as pedicures and masages or even have you be dominated at a event like a madams brunch where the Ladies are pampered and served by the submissives/slaves. there are many possibilitys to explore so if one dosent work try another but the only way that you will find out is to discuss with her and see where it leads

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(in reply to pompeii)
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RE: Bringing BDSM into a relationship? - 4/26/2010 9:18:18 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		I call bullshit, OP. If you really wanted to make her happy, you'd stop trying to make her into something she's not.

She is VANILLA. You're not. Wouldn't you be angry and resentful after a while if she was trying to turn you 'nilla?  

It wouldn't work, would it?


Would you try to turn someone who was gay or bisexual, completely hetero? Or change someone who was happy being heterosexual, and turn them gay or bi?


Do you want someone to love the real you, or just who they wish you were?


Do you love who she really is, or who you wish she were?

 
Stop it. The two of you are a mismatch, on a very deep, fundamental level. Admit that, and move on.


Sometimes love means letting go.




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(in reply to kristibabi)
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RE: Bringing BDSM into a relationship? - 4/26/2010 9:43:02 PM   
JonnieBoy


Posts: 1468
Joined: 4/22/2009
From: Cymru
Status: offline 		(What a load of Bollox) ...

OP ... you say she's trying ... you have the space to explore then. Ignore the assholes that try to issue "laws" on you and be happy.

If it disney work out, at least you thought hard enough.

Pirate

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
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RE: Bringing BDSM into a relationship? - 4/26/2010 9:48:01 PM   
JonnieBoy


Posts: 1468
Joined: 4/22/2009
From: Cymru
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip

another option that may work is poly.


We in a race here, or allowing space ?

I think you just locked the stable door before the horse bolted

Pirate

(in reply to LPslittleclip)
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RE: Bringing BDSM into a relationship? - 4/26/2010 9:48:58 PM   
TheHeretic


Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline 		Before you go writing the whole relationship off, especially since you say she's willing to have a go at it, try sending her this link.

http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html

The author contributes to these forums, so I hope she won't mind me tossing it into the mix. I'd hate to have her pissed at me.

If there is something there you are seeing, and want to nurture, give it a shot.

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If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.


(in reply to kristibabi)
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RE: Bringing BDSM into a relationship? - 4/26/2010 11:53:18 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		FR

There are plenty of books that have been mentioned on the forums. I believe "when someone you love is kinky" is one. beyond that - my advice is that if she's tried a few things before and not enjoyed it, she's unlikely to have changed enough for both of you to enjoy it. I'm not quite of the "you're not compatable so break it off" camp, but ... it's definitely at the top of my mind as I read your post.

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Miss Karen and Miss Holly

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Friends are God's apology for relatives

(in reply to TheHeretic)
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RE: Bringing BDSM into a relationship? - 4/27/2010 12:15:47 AM   
reynardfox


Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		I fail to see why her being dominant to you should make you seem or feel less like a man. It should be about raising her status,not lowering yours. Why should a slave a slave male not be his Dommes champion? I have several Domme friends and once we have established that we are off each others's menu, since we are both the same stripe, we are great friends, and their subs are often big hary macho men who are in no way lacking in testosterone. My Wife has a posse of massive youg men who are more like a troupe of gladiators than any slave I've ever met.
If you are both submissive., then that's that, a Bull can't be a horse, you need to find a Dom for both of you. I've dominated couples over the years and it was great fun, but you seem confused about what the two of you want. Take time out and talk about it, before a lack of communication really buggers things up.

(in reply to kristibabi)
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RE: Bringing BDSM into a relationship? - 4/27/2010 4:18:35 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It would help if the two of you wouldn't think of it as her being dominant to you, but her doing you a service. She isn't controlling you, she's pleasing you. Just as rubbing your feet after a long day can be a favor to you, so can be causing other sensations. Making a spicy chili for you to eat isn't control, it's giving you what you like. In the same way, giving you a stronger sensation is equivalent to giving you a spicy meal. Just in the sense of touch instead of taste.

However, if she's going to go out of her way to do these unfamiliar things to you which she will find difficult, then you need to be more attuned to what she does and doesn't like. In effect both of you need to focus on pleasing each other.


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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to reynardfox)
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