? about crossing over w/ swinger community/meeting partners

? about crossing over w/ swinger community/meeting partners (Full Version)

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BoyandHisgirl -> ? about crossing over w/ swinger community/meeting partners (4/5/2006 8:16:05 PM)
Hey everyone, This is perverseangelic on my Owner's and my couple profile. We've been dabbling in the swinger-esque, play partner thing for a year or so now, with limited success. Due to some recent, overwhelmingly positive experiences, we're feelin' pretty brave and are ready to expand our circle a bit more than we have in the past. So what I was wondering was how all y'all, especially people who cross over into the swinger community, find your partners and the groups you attend. And if there are any websites/meetings/etc you could recomend to n00bs. Yes we're involved with realtime groups, but they're mostly bdsm oriented because within the swinger circut, we're running into the problem of selective homophobia. That is, it's ok for girls to touch, but there are very strident prohibitions against male/male conact. The partner is straight, but that kind of stuff rubs us the wrong way. That and as we're almost always the youngest couple at whatever we go to, we get a little bit of attention that makes us uncomfortable. I guess I'm seeking advice on potential meetings outside the bdsm setting, or with mild bdsm elements, and wondering where else we can try. Sorry for the verbosity. It's a flaw.

IronBear -> RE: ? about crossing over w/ swinger community/meeting partners (4/6/2006 3:51:56 AM)
Interesting thought. I've seen it on several posts in the past, that one place to find sub/slaves or Dominants when you local scene is scarce like mine is, is to look at the vanilla dating areas and look for potential sub/slaves or Dominants and then take it from there and if they are suitable, educate them into the lifestyle.... Some I know have done this sucessfully.. Now all this was aimed mostly ar single people which always annoyed me because no one specifically replied from the perspective of a couple. I am too looking at a swinging area and will be open that Neets and I are in a poly relationship. Thus we are open to either two suitable singles, or a submissive couple (harder but not impossible). I do wish you all the sucess in your searching and is you like I'd love to hear how things progress, either here on the boards of privately.....

JohnWarren -> RE: ? about crossing over w/ swinger community/meeting partners (4/6/2006 5:53:03 AM)
I've done presentations and demos to both local swinger groups and national conventions like Lifestyles. There is a wide range of reactions to BDSM in the swinger community so be prepared for some hostility. However, many in that community are quite interested and welcoming. You are correct at the homophobia, which does seem to be widespread. Another general, although far from universal, is that swingers seem to be less safety conscious than BDSMers in general. I was shocked at several presentations at conventions I've attended that put forth the idea the AIDS was rare in the hetro community (possibly the source of the strong anti-male-bi sentiment you've seen) and that other STDs were "trivial." When I was running a bookstore at these events, I noticed that my per-attendee sales were much lower than at BDSM events even though the selection at each was tailored to the audience.

Mercnbeth -> RE: ? about crossing over w/ swinger community/meeting partners (4/6/2006 10:02:02 AM)
The first time we "crossed over" the adjustment was how the swinging community didn't respect "property" as much as the BDSM community. That goes for human property as well as play toys. At a huge swingers club in LA, which serves as a 35,000 square foot porno studio during the week, they have a small dungeon room. When playing there you always had to be conscience of someone coming in and just joining in the scene, touching or asking questions, or picking up a toy and flinging it around. beth was tied, blindfolded to a spanking bench and I was beating her ass pretty good, when one woman leaned over put her face up to beth's ear and said; "damn woman! Do you really enjoy that?" You really can't get mad, we both laughed at it, although the moment was ruined. There is no intent to be rude, its just a lack of understanding things that at a BDSM club are taken for granted. "Sub-space" is not a term they've heard let alone understood. But once we knew what to expect, we've had some great times there. If you are open and want to discuss the lifestyle or enjoy the exhibitionist aspects, it's great fun. When we take our little bag of toys and stroll to the dungeon there are always a few nudging each other and following us. We love asking them if they want to partake in the "dark side"; and without fail we get a few to try some things or ask to know what it feels like. Of course my answer is you can't hear about it, you have to experience it. That's the fun part. Our favorite experience was one couple where the woman REALLY wanted to be tied up and used as she just witnessed beth. We assisted and let her man use some of the toys, but she kept yelling at him that he wasn't "doing it right" and he should let me take over. So, for that night, I played the role of a "service Dom". The funniest part was her wanting to feel clips on her nipples like beth. Well, I used clover clips on beth, and didn't think she should start at that level, so I put on a couple of basic plastic clothespins. She screamed as if I just pierced her with a 10 gauge needle. Now as she's crying and cupping her breasts, I broke the "good news" to her - they were going to hurt more when she took them off. To avoid the problem, she kept them on for about 15 minutes, until with beth's comforting assistance she removed them. Being magnanimous I let her keep them as a "souvenir" of her first BDSM session. Now every time we go back to that club, I always bring a pocketful of the clothespins. The swingers clubs out here are much more of a party atmosphere. There is a dance floor, DJ, BYOB bar, food. I'd describe it as a dance club where you go into the back rooms to fuck instead of having to decide; "your place or mine?". They are a tad more expensive. Here you can not be a single male, in fact if you are a male walking about the play areas you can be kicked out of the club if your "date" is not with you. But one man can take in as many woman as he can handle. There is a LOT of female/female sex occurring, but in all the times we've attended we've never seen man or man. In some rooms, you can't see who's doing what to who, and others are crowded and you never know who belongs to the hand, mouth, or other orifices that are touching you. In our experience two items were always no more than an arms-length away; lube and condoms. Now in the vernacular we are "soft swingers"; touching, feeling, tasting, but no penetration other than with each other. It's a fun night when we go there. You can have a bite to eat, drink, dance a bit, go back to the play areas, come back, recharge, and go back in the play area again; repeat as often as you stamina holds out. Not being restricted from any type of sexual activity is obviously a big plus for those who enjoy that sort of thing. We've taken a few BDSM couples with us and all have said they enjoy it. One couple now goes there and prefers it to the BDSM clubs just because they enjoy the pervasive sexuality of environment. Imagine, 150 couple are there on average, if you see something you like, you can start chatting and next thing you know you are laying around naked with them and if everyone is good with it, enjoy each other. I'd say you have to have a strong relationship with your partner. It would be a tough place to go to if you have jealous tendencies. It helps to be confident with each other, and know that no matter what happens your feelings for each other won't change. It's very physical, very casual, pure hedonistic pleasure. A much different dynamic and atmosphere than at a BDSM club. The common thread is that there is no expectation of performance. "No" means "No" in a swingers club the same way it does in a BDSM club. There are the equivalent of DM's patrolling making sure nobody is disobeying that key rule. One of the most amazing things is the age range of the people. I'd say the majority are between 21-35, but there is a couple that we've seen every time we've been there that must be in their 70's. Naked is the appropriate costume by the end of the evening, but usually there is some kind of "theme". beth came in 2nd in a "4th of July" contest 'dressed' as a body painted flag. One year we went to a New Years' Eve party and I worn my tux while beth was in a topless gown. People arrive in groups dropped off in limos, or as a couple in a beat up Chevy. Once inside and naked, you can't tell them apart. Time has no meaning. The first time we went, we didn't realize it was 3:00AM until we finally got dressed and left. I don't know what part of California you are located, but if you want the name and more details about the LA club drop us a line on the other side.

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: ? about crossing over w/ swinger community/meeting partners (4/6/2006 11:18:01 AM)
Frankly, My introduction to the fact that there was actually a community of people who view relationships, sexual and otherwise, differently from the norm, came from the swinger's clubs. I even worked at one for a few years back in the 80's. It was on on premises club, meaning that the rooms were available for immediate play. Merc has described it very well. It is very social, with a hedonistic and sexually charged atmosphere. We had costume events, contests, and other special theme nights. I am surprised that beth got second place, Merc. The gal who showed up one of our events in nothing but body paint won first prize. She did look fabulous, but she also got paint on some of the mirrors and that was a bitch to clean up! G The main focus in the swinger's community is couples, with a view toward femme/femme interaction. Of the regulars, many of those couples were sincerely seeking a permanent female partner to add to their personal relationship. I also saw a more careless attitude toward safe sex, although we always had condoms available. And male/male interaction was not accepted. The word would quickly get out if the male part of a couple was "bi". Then none of the men wanted anything to do with either, and they would not allow their wives or SOs to get intimate. That is where their "safe sex" came into play. Although there is not an overt showing of D/s, it is there, if you know what to look for. Many of these couples are not even aware that they employ D/s dynamics in their relationship, and any BDSM play is mild at best. The club I most frequented, and worked for, did not have a dungeon per se, but there was some soft BDSM going on, and I was one of those DM equivalents. Single guys had it the worst. They were not even allowed into the club on Saturday nights, and they paid a premium to be there on the other nights. Mostly they sat around with a towel, and watched the porn while they jerked off. There was the occasional slut who loved to be an exhibitionist, and all the singles did feel like they got their money's worth when she was there. Hell, I used to get calls asking if she was there, before the guys would drive over and pay their cover charge! LOL I suggested putting her on retainer. Swinging and a swinger's club can be a lot of fun. It is a different atmostphere, but, in general, the people are nice, the music and food is usually pretty good, and you don't have to clean up afterward. Just be careful about trying to make sure that you politely explain your own ground rules regarding joining in. It may not work all the time, and if that is a major drawback for you, then you might want to be careful about how many clothes you shed. As to My introduction and the step up from swinging? Once I knew the people, I got invited to private parties where a different sort of play was going on, and the D/s and M/s dynamics were clearly drawn. I haven't looked back since! And I have also been thinking about getting back into the swinger's circle. Ya never know, maybe My boy is there, and hasn't figured out the rest of it yet!

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: ? about crossing over w/ swinger community/meeting partners (4/6/2006 11:26:58 AM)
My contacts have always come from f2f interactions in the kink scene. Get to know them, find out one of them is also a swinging regular, and get the info from there. http://www.collarchat.com/m_294186/mpage_1/key_swinger/tm.htm#294302 Swinging Parties and You

MsIncognito -> RE: ? about crossing over w/ swinger community/meeting partners (4/6/2006 11:29:55 AM)
In addition to what others have said here one of the things you will notice right away that is different is that in the swinger community NO means NO. Unlike in BDSM where No probably means yes, but I want you to force me unless I safe word, I never had anyone be offended buy a polite no thank you or pushy about it. Once I said no that was it, they didn't push any further. I think you'll find each community has a slightly different flavour just like in BDSM. The key is finding a group of people that you mesh with. If you can find a group of people you click with it can be great fun. I think the best way to meet people is to go out to swingers clubs and see if they suit.

perverseangelic -> RE: ? about crossing over w/ swinger community/meeting partners (4/6/2006 7:34:10 PM)
Thanks so so much for the feedback so far! I appreciate it a great deal. We're still babies in the BDSM clubs, too, so it's all....new. But fun :) It's really really cool that we've gotten to the point where we -know- we're secure enough to do this. It's only taken, what, three years? :)

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