tigreetsa
Posts: 132
Joined: 4/30/2010
From: SW London
Status: offline
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I understand all this, it's quite logical in fact, and perfectly clear to me. You need to drop this 'sick and mentally twisted' label. It's not necessary. Trust me. Spend a bit of time on these boards or even if you don't have so much time browse the profiles. You will find people here of all ages, people from all walks of life.
BDSM isn't about sex, it isn't about being 'twisted and sick'. BDSM is about people and human relationships. Anyone can explore it. All you need is a keen sense of responsibility, a grip on reality and an open mind.
You will come across a few terms in BDSM, terms like 'play', you make hear people referring to 'toys' and will become aware of people assuming roles. You have a young child, your child plays and play is especially important for the child's social, cultural and personal development.
It's not that much different in essence from what we do here - only we are adults, not children, we have matured, we have different needs, emotional, psychological, sexual, and it's the fulfillment of these needs through 'play' or interaction with others in assumed or adopted BDSM roles, Master, dom, sub, slave, switch, which forms an additional component to the basic relationship you share with someone else.
BDSM is therefore only 'sick and twisted' to those who don't understand it, or who don't want to understand it. Take away the labels you see on profiles and you will see the same people who walk past you in the street every day.
Relationships are the core element of living, forming and developing relationships are our reason for living, and these are relationships with ourselves, the people close to us in our lives, our partners, friends, family, co-workers, colleagues, etc. Relationships tend to happen in cycles, made up of interactions, rituals, communication, transactions and where we do things over and over again with the same person in the hope of sharing experiences, moments, emotions and feelings.
Most of our needs, wants and desires in our relationships are based on past relationships, even if those past relationships aren't necessarily all that successful. These all go to help us form preferences, relating to someone's gender, physical appearance, even character, personality, etc. Our fantasies, and indeed some of our desires relate to relationships we haven't experienced.
Whenever we feel stressed, insecure, afraid, etc or if a relationship isn't satisfying us as we expect we tend to revert to previous relationship patterns and experiences. This is especially true when we have experienced a traumatic or major stressful experience or crisis in our lives.
Some people in such circumstances return to cycles in their childhood, whether it be visiting family members, visiting places in their childhood, or here in BDSM adopting a child-like role, for example sissies, baby girls (Daddy-little girl relationships), naughty schoolboy, some long for discipline and punishment, often in the same way as they were punished as children at schoolor at home. Our childhood experiences are among our strongest and influence us throughout our lives.
You unfortunately was raped when you were young, and it appears to me that you are still carrying that stigma from being raped and this might have exerted a major influence in your relationships.
The way I see it you are seeking for some reason, whether it be emotional, psychological, or even spiritual, to revisit that experience or a similar experience because you haven't fully moved on from your experiences and are still carrying some of the stigma.
This is what I call 'ghosting'. I work with the homeless, and often with the street homeless. Homelessness is a very long, stressful and traumatic experience which can last for years. Some who are resettled and given homes like you don't fully recover emotionally and psychologically and carry some of the stigma. I do work with day centres and at food handouts for the street homeless. But usually about 10-20% of those people we help have been given apartments and places to live. Some even might have jobs. But they come back to revisit their experience of the past.
Why? It provides them with some sort of mental reassurance or emotional security. Part of this is because the first time round they were coping with the experience, and now perhaps they want to find out or enjoy dealing with the experience. We all want to know that we have moved on, recovered, and are stronger, better people for our experiences.
This is I suggest why your fantasies of being forced to submit and being used are so attractive to you. I would even suggest that they are needs, things that you desire to experience. This could be your way of convincing yourself that you can deal with the situation, that you can actually enjoy the experience, it could release you from your own stigma and reassure you that you are a better, stronger person as a result.
BUT - this is important - you will only achieve this in a properly developed and established relationship with a dom who has your best interests at heart and who will work with you to carefully develop the roles and share that experience with you.
ALSO - this is even more important. Every relationship isn't guaranteed to succeed. In fact most new relationships fail. Because you are seeking to relive such a difficult and traumatic experience, one from which you are still carrying stigma and which is a core influence on your needs, desires and preferences, there's also a risk that if this doesn't work out, it could compound your stigma and create further difficulties in your relationships. It could also serve to reopen old wounds and create fresh trauma and stigma.
This is a very real risk. I'm not going to advocate therapy here, but any bad or disastrous attempt at such a relationship may require some form of therapy such as counselling or psychotherapy from a clinically trained therapist as part of the recovery.
You are married with a child. These are existing relationships. They need to be taken into consideration too.
If you are new to BDSM and wish to explore equally important is contact and support with other people involved in BDSM, via munches, meetings, events, and also on message boards such as here.
Keep an open mind, a firm grip on reality, be responsible, and as long as you never put yourself into a situation which you cannot get yourself out of you should be fine.
_____________________________
'There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke
But you and I we've been through that
And that is not our fate
So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late.'
All Along The Watchtower (Bob Dylan)
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bdsm curiosity.... - 
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