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Mercnbeth -> Planned vs Spontaneous (5/6/2010 10:35:19 AM)
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We had an interesting chat last night which we thought would be interesting to take up with some of the fine folk of CM.
Regularly we are contacted by people, individuals and couples, with a one or two line email something along the lines of this; "You guys look really hot - would love to meet you and play with you!" Sometimes it's directed to both, more often just beth, with about an even split of labeling between the dominant and submissive side. This isn't about whether that's rude or not - we don't think it is rude. It's about what happens next.
We meet all the time, with many people. We get intimate with few. There are many reasons for that result; but the biggest one as far as I'm concerned is that I HATE planned 'scenes' and when you meet new people discussing 'limits', access, what is or isn't 'sex', and even the toys permitted for use just turns me off.
I've been engaged in quite a few group sessions ranging from threesomes to orgy mosh pits; but never enjoyed one where the 'session' had to be planned out like assembling a piece of furniture from Ikea - 'Insert locking pin into slot A - twist 1/4 turn". Maybe you get the fantasy fulfilled, but the lack of spontaneity generates a result equal to a paint by numbers portrait compared to free hand. There is no 'artistry' involved.
The next day is aways the unknown. Waking up where there is a common glow and a "WOW - That was HOT!" morning replay, or submissives comparing marks, is truly great experience. On the other hand, over the years, I've been there for a few 'uncomfortable' morning afters and witnessed an; "OMG - What did I do!?" look over breakfast. Sometimes getting intimate with 'friends' risks the friendship. Appreciate that as far as beth and I are concerned, BDSM play is 'sex' and 'intimate'. We know where our heads are. The same can't be said when another person, couple, or group is added to the mix.
When we engage in intense S&M its sexual even if the venue we happen to be in doesn't allow display or touching of 'private parts'. At a club - I've never said yes to a person coming up to me asking me to engage them as I had beth - it just wouldn't work. However if we got to know each other, found out we liked each other, and most importantly could TRUST each other - sure. However that isn't going to happen 5 minutes after you introduce and offer yourself. It sure won't happen if you bring me, or require, a 'script' to be followed.
Our discussion didn't stop at the 'spontaneity' level. When those spontaneous events have occurred, another frequent result which I find even more interesting is that what happens isn't talked about to the point of being specifically avoided. Maybe there is a shared 'special' glance or giggle but often the subject is just completely avoided, or if anything, is fluffed off as a function of one too many of beth's 'house special' jello shots.
Not that this happens all the time, and sharing intimacy also brings people closer.
What has been your experience along these lines? Has anyone else encountered 'buyers' or 'sellers' remorse after the fact? Is it practical and possible to be 'spontaneous' considering all the emotional, mental, physical, and pragmatic health issues involved being intimate with anyone even 'friends' you know?
Whether you plan the session or not - you can't plan the 'morning after'. Do you consider that the night before?
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