D/s article about Needs & Wants

I saw this article by Knyghtflyher that was posted on another site and
Wanted to share his great wisdom about D/s relationships concerning Needs & Wants
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Needs vs. Wants

By Knyghtflyher

Herein lies the one of the most difficult discriminations that a
Dominant must make during the D/s relationship with his sub/slave.
The general agreement, at least among those with whom I am familiar,
is that the Master/Dominant is committed to meet the NEEDS, i.e.
physical, psychological, emotional, of his sub/slave.
That is thelimit of his requirement.
The meeting of WANTS is at His/Her sole discretion.
The trick lies in determining the difference between them.

I sorely wish I had an easy formula that would allow Me, and
You/you, to determine what is a NEED and what is a WANT. But, let's
face it…all submissives are not the same and their NEEDS and WANTS
differ as widely as their physical appearance. What appears, on the
outside, to be a WANT can, in reality, be a psychological NEED and
should be met if at all possible. On the other hand, conversely, a
voiced NEED can just as easily be a WANT. Only through
conversation, learning, and the paying of careful attention to the
submissive/slave, can the Master/Dominant begin to discern between
the two, and deal with both.

Some NEEDS, the physical ones, are self-evident…the sub/slave must
eat, must be clean, must drink, must do whatever is necessary to
maintain life. The sub/slave NEEDS shelter, food, water, and yes,
clothing. These items are necessities and must be furnished by the
Master/Dominant. To do otherwise would not be fulfilling the basic
requirements of the D/s relationship and would be a "breach" of
their relationship.

Some emotional NEEDS are also easy to discern. All humans,
regardless of their role in the D/s relationship, NEED love and
respect in some form. They NEED to have self-esteem, and an
awareness of how they fit in their relationship. They NEED to have
responsibility, in some form, and they NEED to meet expectations and
have those expectations clearly stated and explained if necessary.
All of these NEEDS are common to all human relationships, be they
D/s or "vanilla". Everyone craves love and respect and
everyone "deserves" to have a healthy self-esteem and awareness of
themselves and their roles.

Now, for the less evident NEEDS...the psychological makeup of a
human being is a labyrinth of tunnels and blind spots and clearly
marked trails leading sometimes somewhere, and at others, nowhere. I
know a submissive that craves physical punishment…in the vernacular,
she NEEDS her ass beat, and hard, on a regular basis and when it
does not happen, she becomes recalcitrant and moody. Well, is this
NEED a physical or psychological NEED? On the physical side, does a
good spanking remove cellulite or something? I don't think so, nor
do I think that her pain receptors in the buttocks require "fine
tuning" or "exercise". This is a purely psychological NEED…this is a
part of her self-image, the one she carries inside her head, that
tells her what a "good" submissive is, and what a "good" submissive
provides to her Dominant. If this NEED is unmet, either in frequency
or intensity, the NEED to meet her self-image is not being met and
she "feels" like she is failing in her "role" within the
relationship, and sometimes, in life itself. This submissive MUST be
paired with a Dominant that understands this NEED of hers and is
willing and capable of meeting it. For her to find a Dominant that
cannot meet this NEED is going to lead to unhappiness on both sides
of the equation.

Yes, I know, a Dominant can be expected to "modify" the self-image
of his submissive and sometimes this is sorely needed, especially if
the self-image of the submissive is harmful or destructive to
themselves. These "self-images" must, in my opinion, be changed, but
first, the Dominant must achieve that level of trust and control to
begin to modify the psyche of the submissive in a positive way. It
is not an easy task, to modify years of "self-training", especially
if the "self-training" is a result of years of psychological abuse
designed to erode the self-image of the submissive and "break" her
will. But, it can be done and, in my opinion, should be done. A lot
of love, a lot of respect, a lot of attention to detail, and a lot
of patience will be required but a submissive with a strong and
HEALTHY self-image is a delight and well-worth the effort.

All of this discrimination between NEEDS and WANTS is part of the
job of the Dominant. Yes, I know that Dominants have NEEDS of their
own, and we will getto them in a minute. I am a Dominant and I have
my own "laundry list" of NEEDS that must be fulfilled if I am to be
happy in my relationship. But, right now, we are dealing with
submissive subjects, and another NEED that I have seen over and over
is the NEED to serve, to be of service to the Dominant in the
relation- ship. To be disallowed that service can be devastating to
that person that NEEDS to feel the weight of their service. This
NEED can be easily met, but first, must be recognized as a NEED by
the Dominant. I had to train myself, in my current relationship, to
allow myself to be "served". As a divorced male who has lived
basically alone for over 20 years, I generally did things my way,
and had a very set routine of the way things were done. I had to
teach myself to "sit back and relax" and allow things to get done by
my slave, trusting her to accomplish what needed to be done
without "micro-managing". It was not very easy, at first, but as
time goes by, it is becoming more and more a part of our
relationship and I am beginning to "enjoy" the fruits of her labor.

Another general NEED that I have identified among submissives is the
NEED to progress, to grow in their roles, to be taken further along
their road. This is a role the Dominant MUST play in the
relationship. A static relationship can be terribly destructive to
both parties in a relationship…and it often leads to a dissolution
of the relationship, sometimes in a most acrimonious manner. Growth
can take many forms and can involve many aspects of the BDSM
relationship. In some areas, like play, growth can lead to more and
more "strenuous" play, with the submissive able to progressively
enjoy harder and harder play, and the Dominant to enjoy the same.
Limits will be removed, or strenuously expanded, during this growth,
and both sides of the equation must grow equally, or at least,
strike a balance between them for the relationship to prosper.

But, growth is not limited to the play portion of the relationship.
Growth can be in the areas of personal responsibility, or trust, or
any other area within the relationship. I, for one, am in a "growth"
phase, coming to terms with exactly what I want from this
relationship, what I am willing to tolerate, and what my
real "expectations" are. I am growing in the "play" portion of our
relationship, experimenting with more and more "edgy" forms of play.
Some of these new forms of play will involve a longer "learning
curve" than others, but, if I am to be successful in this
relationship, I will have to first determine if the "learning curve"
is longer than I am willing to endure, and whether or not I
am "comfortable" with that mode of play. My slave has
just "discovered" single-tails and was introduced to them by a
fellow Dominant that I trusted and admired. She requested the
session because she needed to be allowed to "grow" in this
direction. In my opinion, the "learning curve" for this type of play
is extended, and begins with a major cash outlay for the purchase of
the toy. After that, there is the learning of the proper and safe
use of the toy and then practice, practice, practice. I am afraid
that, at first, her desire to experience this toy will outstrip my
place on the learning curve and I will, from time to time, allow her
to grow with other Dominants that I know are safe and "expert" in
the use of this toy, and cognizant of her "learning curve", also.
This is how I am going to grow myself…by watching and learning, by
introspection, and by practice, just as I "grew" when we discovered
fire and needles. My NEED in this area, is to grow and explore new
things, just as her NEED is to do the same.

Now we come to "wants". WANTS, in my definition, are those things a
Dominant or submissive feels would be an adjunct to their life. Food
is a need, a chocolate sundae with whipped cream and sprinkles
surely classifies as food, but so does broccoli. Many things in our
lives fall into those two categories, sundaes and broccoli. Some
represent healthy nutrition for the body while others offer
something else. Remove a sundae from the diet and you might get a
temper tantrum, but the body will be nourished by the broccoli.

Failure to meet a NEED can cause physical, emotional, or
psychological damage where failure to grant a WANT will not.
Beginning to see the difference? Well, not so fast, NEEDS can
masquerade as WANTS and vice versa. Only through communication and
intense study of the submissive can the Dominant clearly see what
represents a NEED in the submissive's life and what merely
represents a WANT. DO NOT expect to be an overnight expert in Your
submissive and DO expect to make a mistake now and again. But DO
listen and DO communicate and DO be aware of the feedback you get,
in whatever form it may take. Remember, You took the job. Do it.

Borrowed Article Copyright Permission Pending © Knyghtflyher