Question to Ponder #6 (and one I really think I have a problem with at times) (Full Version)

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Dustyn -> Question to Ponder #6 (and one I really think I have a problem with at times) (4/6/2006 10:32:19 PM)

I'm sure most on here have heard of steel-door.  An absolutely excellent online reference guide to about a gazillion different BD/SM topics.

Here's the link, and then my question.

http://www.steel-door.com/tops_disease.htm

Is it possible for a switch who is primarily dominant to have this kind of a problem?  This is also being discussed in the Ask a Master section of the forums as well, if you'd like to read some other posts on the topic as well.

Nothing tastes worse in the universe than your own pride.  But I'd rather swallow it than continue being an arrogant ass, which I have apparently been doing for the last 6 months or so.  It's not the whole problem, but it was FAR from being useful.  On a scale of 1-10, 10 being absolute most influence, I'd have to say my ego has become a at least an 8 on the scale.

See, my ego, and attending arrogance, is pretty much how I stayed anything approaching sane as a kid.  A lot fo that comes from my relationship with my folks, but that is really neither here nor there.  What's relevant is the fact that my ego could probably have it's own nuclear ICBM arsenal.  It's been fed, frequently, by a number of people and by myself as well and, frankly, it really, REALLY needs a good pruning.

I just wish I had noticed it sooner.  Would have saved a few people a lot of grief, necause I think this has been a problem for at least my most recent BD/SM relationship as well as at least the one before it, if not the last two before it.   No excuse for some of the things I have done, mind you, in the name of being the All Knowing and All Powerful Grand Poombah of Dustynville, but at least to me it explains things a bit and gets a few more of the jigsaw pieces put in the right spots.

Only question left is will this revelation of my own stupidity come soon enough to salvage a friendship or not.  Amusingly enough, I don't think my ego and arrogance combined are brave enough to try and answer that one with impunity.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Question to Ponder #6 (and one I really think I have a problem with at times) (4/7/2006 7:34:02 AM)

Anyone can have this problem. It doesn't have to pertain to the lifestyle at all and certainly not to any particular role we have. This is just an essay on one particular incidence of the phenomena. In my neck of the woods, our phrase for this is "asshole in a black vest".

I'm reading a book (I'm always reading a book!) called "Shadow Dance". Right now, it's talking about getting rid of the unhealthy ego so that the perfect, divine Self (the soul) can come through. We need a healthy ego, because that leads to self-esteem. The book talks about FACE. These are the things we must work to get through or let go of in order to have a healthy ego. They are:
Fear
Attachment
Control
Entitlement

My understanding is that the control mentioned here is the unhealthy kind...where you are manipulating people to get what you want. I don't think that Dominance, done correctly, is this kind of control. Our kind it the kind that is freely given to us, thus we don't HAVE to manipulate. If we have the desire to do so, it's because we fear loosing control and so we create an unhealthy attachment to/with the person because we feel entitled to it (after all, they SAID they wanted to submit). I have done all this before...and I'm struggling with it now, so I know it's much easier to conjecture about it than it is to do something about it.

Just my take on it, though.

Fire



Dustyn -> RE: Question to Ponder #6 (and one I really think I have a problem with at times) (4/7/2006 1:38:27 PM)

Might have to find this book you are talking about.  Could be an interesting read.  Did you find it in a specialty bookstore, or could I find it in, say, Hasting's or Borders?

And don't feel bad about having to deal with it.  Just came to the conclusion that I have a severe problem with this myself.  Just not sure how to go about dealing with it.  Easiest answer would be to simply avoid having other people in my life, but that won't cure anything, merely avoid the issue.  Granted, avoiding is always better than confrontation.

Truthfully, I think that I knew it was there all along, I just didn't want to look at it because of what it would mean.  Just another example of being a dumbass about things.



fergus -> RE: Question to Ponder #6 (and one I really think I have a problem with at times) (4/7/2006 2:28:02 PM)

He can be taught!  Good show Dustyn ;)

One of the hardest parts about being a control freak is trying to control other people.  Let's say that your troubles in this friendship are 50/50 ...

Heck, let's say they are MOSTLY her! and only a LITTLE BIT you!  So often we try to 'make' someone else see what THEY have done.  You can not change how someone else acts, you have no control over that unless they want you to.

You DO have control over yourself ;)  And sometimes, that is the hardest to recognize.

Good luck.

fergus



SimplyV -> RE: Question to Ponder #6 (and one I really think I have a problem with at times) (4/7/2006 3:32:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fergus
One of the hardest parts about being a control freak is trying to control other people. [snip] You can not change how someone else acts, you have no control over that unless they want you to. You DO have control over yourself ;)  And sometimes, that is the hardest to recognize.


Dang it.. you're ruining my egotistical vision of my reality.  I gotta get these rose-colored glasses fixed cuz it let me read those words.

*adjusts her glasses* There! I do too have control over everything!  [:D] 



Dustyn -> RE: Question to Ponder #6 (and one I really think I have a problem with at times) (4/7/2006 11:50:26 PM)

Fergus, have had a LOT of things weighing on my mind lately and none of them I could control.  Just picked the wrong thing to try and control is all.



Laura -> RE: Question to Ponder #6 (and one I really think I have a problem with at times) (4/10/2006 1:51:05 PM)

I have too little ego. But, one thing I have learned is not to knock myself (ok, still trying to learn that one) cause there is always someone else all too eager to knock you and do a much more thorough job of it. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Told you you were interesting. :)



SimplyV -> RE: Question to Ponder #6 (and one I really think I have a problem with at times) (4/11/2006 2:38:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Laura

I have too little ego. But, one thing I have learned is not to knock myself (ok, still trying to learn that one) cause there is always someone else all too eager to knock you and do a much more thorough job of it. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Told you you were interesting. :)



My ex-Master used to get pissed when I'd knock myself (read punishments).  So I've cut down immensely on that.

I do, however, have a lot of ego. Some of it is justified. I mean.. I am right all the time.[:D]  jk ..

Anymore, often when I find myself talking badly about myself its because I don't want to appear to be the self-involved, overinflated, egomaniac, domineering idiot that I know is in there. Unfortunately, it seems to come out from time to time anyway.

*shrugs*  We all have our days.





Mustardseed -> RE: Question to Ponder #6 (and one I really think I have a problem with at times) (3/5/2007 10:52:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dustyn

Is it possible for a switch who is primarily dominant to have this kind of a problem? 


I agree with MasterFire on this one:  anyone can end up deciding to live on a power high and being a jerk to those they're responsible for.  Some people do it simply because they've seen both sides of the coin and want to ensure their place on their favorite side.  I don't see switches as being any less potentially power mad as anyone else.



Suleiman -> RE: Question to Ponder #6 (and one I really think I have a problem with at times) (3/8/2007 4:50:06 PM)

Absolutely. I was owned by a switch with "Top's Disease" for a while. Absolutely wretched experience.



Celeste43 -> RE: Question to Ponder #6 (and one I really think I have a problem with at times) (3/11/2007 10:30:31 AM)

Any bookstore will order a book in print for you if you don't want to buy it at amazon.com or other book sites. Out of print books I usually use alibris.com

If the ego problems are coming from family of origin issues, then I do suggest you talking to a professional about the problems. At the least go to ACOA meetings where everybody else will come from a dysfunctional family and you will hear stories that resonate with you.



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