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Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 1:29:25 PM

NervousGrrl

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Joined: 4/19/2010
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Just curious because I'm sure there are no statistics on the effects of BDSM on a marriage.

From what you have observed however, are D/s marriages healthier and longer lasting than vanilla marriage? Do you think people become desensitized to it and need to seek other partners? If you are in a very long term D/s relationship, have you struggled to keep things fresh and interesting?

Post #: 1

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 1:56:00 PM

Miyani

Posts: 248
Joined: 12/4/2007
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Honestly, marriage is marriage is marriage. I like to think that because my boy and I have a power dynamic, we won't have the petty decision squabbles, but there's always something to be pissy about, if you're looking for it. I like to think that because of the way we do poly, we've got seriously solid communication in place, but if someone's going to hide something from you, they're going to do it no matter how strong your base is. I wouldn't say that D/s marriage is by definition more solid than vanilla marriage, it all comes down to the people involved, and what kind of people they are.

(in reply to NervousGrrl)

Post #: 2

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 2:02:40 PM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NervousGrrl

Just curious because I'm sure there are no statistics on the effects of BDSM on a marriage.

From what you have observed however, are D/s marriages healthier and longer lasting than vanilla marriage? Do you think people become desensitized to it and need to seek other partners? If you are in a very long term D/s relationship, have you struggled to keep things fresh and interesting?

Based on what I have seen, the fact that there is a power dynamic or kinky activities has zero to do with the sucess or lack there of, of a relationship.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to NervousGrrl)

Post #: 3

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 2:11:02 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Based on what I have seen, the fact that there is a power dynamic or kinky activities has zero to do with the sucess or lack there of, of a relationship.

I have no data, but I'd tend to agree with LaT on this.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 4

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 2:25:36 PM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
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Marriage is a legal contract. Contracts are made, for the most part, to keep people to the original terms, after all of life's indignities and happenstances have occurred. Basically, w/o marriage, vastly fewer people would keep to the original terms than with the marriage contract.

Assuming that, the question becomes "Are D/s couple stressed more so than 'nilla couples", and if so, I'd assume their divorce rates would be greater by some degree. However, I seriously doubt D/s couples are inherently more stressed (with respect to the original conditions of the marriage) than the vanillas, so, IMHO, I'd guesstimate that the divorce rates are quite similar between married nillas and married fetishists.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 5

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 2:30:19 PM

BlkTXDom2004

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Joined: 10/31/2004
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Being a recent divorced Dominant, I don't think the D/s issue relates...this is in agreement to all that answered your question, NervousGrrl. pompeii had the point I wanted to say: a contract is a contract.

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 6

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 2:41:04 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NervousGrrl
Just curious because I'm sure there are no statistics on the effects of BDSM on a marriage. From what you have observed however, are D/s marriages healthier and longer lasting than vanilla marriage? Do you think people become desensitized to it and need to seek other partners? If you are in a very long term D/s relationship, have you struggled to keep things fresh and interesting?

Exactly as you have said, there are no statistics and anyone's observation is just that... personal observation. It is not statistically significant.

If you want my wild guess, I'd say that you either have what it takes to build a life long relationship or you don't. Carol and I have been both vanilla (first 12 years) and M/s (last 3). While I think there are some benefits to the M/s, I don't think it is a make or break proposition for our lifelong happiness.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to NervousGrrl)

Post #: 7

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 3:06:55 PM

reynardfox

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Joined: 9/8/2009
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We have been in a BDSM marriage for twenty nine years and four months.
Of course, it helps if you love them.

(in reply to NervousGrrl)

Post #: 8

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 3:08:08 PM

laurell3

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Joined: 5/5/2005
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Our relationships aren't different than any other. They take compatibility, work, honesty, communication and when those things aren't there, they fail, just like any other.

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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to NervousGrrl)

Post #: 9

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 3:10:30 PM

VampiresLair

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My marriage is only 6 months old, but looking at this next to my failed marriage at the same 6 months I see a world of difference. Mainly in respect, since Fox has it and my ex didnt. Of the marriages I personally have known, the numbers on success vs failure are pretty evenly split. Its more about compatibility of the people involved than it is over which ones wears the pants.

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Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

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Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss

(in reply to reynardfox)

Post #: 10

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 3:41:06 PM

Firebirdseeking

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Joined: 9/3/2006
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Like everyone else has said, we dont have any statistics. However, we do know that 50-60% of first marriages end in divorce, and the percentage goes up higher with each subsequent marriage. There are lots of reasons for that - most people have kids from the first marriage; most people dont resolve within what happened or did not happen in the first marriage, so they take it with them, baggage, into subsequent relationships.

Not to mention that many people dont have a clue as to what it takes to make a strong partnership. If I conjecture from how I have been approached here at times, I would observe that there is a serious lack of relationship skills out there, and that it is more obvious here, than it was when I was on vanilla sites years ago.

Having said that, I do think that if for years, one has a vanilla relationship out of not knowing that he or she is dominant or submissive, and that realization comes later, with the understanding of what one needs, both in general, and in a D/s context, I would hope that a D/s connection might be more successful.

But that is a hope.

(in reply to NervousGrrl)

Post #: 11

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 3:46:57 PM

SailingBum

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Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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I don't know any kinky couples as they dont wear signs saying dom sub ... kinky couple or anything else that would clue me in... even tho you claim your kinked doesnt mean any one else thinks you are Do ya see where Im going with this????

BadOne

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The beatings will continue until morale improves.

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(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

Post #: 12

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 4:34:29 PM

ThatDamnedPanda

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I don't know if there;s any direct research (probably not), but I have seen studies suggesting that vanilla couples with a strong female-dominant dynamic are more likely to be stable, harmonious, and long-lasting than relationships with a strong male-dominant dynamic. This was a few years ago, and I don't remember which universities conducted the studies. Somewhere out east, I believe, but I don't recall. Their conclusions were that there was less tension and uncertainty in the dynamic. I think if you were to take these conclusions and try to apply them to D/s relationships, though, you'd be on thin ice, because the research didn't deal with that. I only mention it because it seemed like it would be food for thought.

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In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
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(in reply to SailingBum)

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RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 5:46:38 PM

afkarr

Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
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I see where SB is going, how does anybody know? Unless you're privy to what your neighbors and co workers are doing in their bedroom, every marriage looks "vanilla" on the surface. You may think there's a higher rate if you tedn to frequent the kinky social cirlces, as a lot of your acquaintances are probably kinky, and therefore you know more kinksters who divorce.

(in reply to ThatDamnedPanda)

Post #: 14

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 5:49:46 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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It is interesting that the OP finds that stale partnerships are an overriding cause of divorce. Often it is other things, such as disagreements on core values such as, family, finances and child rearing. There is much more to marriage than simply keeping a partnership fresh and interesting.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to afkarr)

Post #: 15

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 5:58:56 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: afkarr

I see where SB is going, how does anybody know? Unless you're privy to what your neighbors and co workers are doing in their bedroom, every marriage looks "vanilla" on the surface. You may think there's a higher rate if you tedn to frequent the kinky social cirlces, as a lot of your acquaintances are probably kinky, and therefore you know more kinksters who divorce.

Your half right... The rest of my point is "who" determines what is "kinky" because it is arbitrary.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to afkarr)

Post #: 16

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 6:12:51 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

I don't know if there;s any direct research (probably not), but I have seen studies suggesting that vanilla couples with a strong female-dominant dynamic are more likely to be stable, harmonious, and long-lasting than relationships with a strong male-dominant dynamic. This was a few years ago, and I don't remember which universities conducted the studies. Somewhere out east, I believe, but I don't recall. Their conclusions were that there was less tension and uncertainty in the dynamic. I think if you were to take these conclusions and try to apply them to D/s relationships, though, you'd be on thin ice, because the research didn't deal with that. I only mention it because it seemed like it would be food for thought.

I would add on to TDP's thoughts...I bet if you did a study on 'nilla compared to D/s marriages that the D/s marriages would tend to fail at a substantially higher rate.

I don't think it has to do with marriage but the stability of the people that go into those marriages.

_____________________________

(in reply to ThatDamnedPanda)

Post #: 17

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 6:23:27 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

Wow that was a serious answer.....you feeling ok? It's probably true though given what we read here on the boards.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 18

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/9/2010 11:05:36 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Finances and child rearing are huge issues in a marriage. Every relationship has its stale points, regardless of whether it is kinky or nilla. I doubt anyone has even attempted to
create a compilation of data on kinky vs non kinky marriage, largely due to the small numbers of kinksters out there in comparison to the majority of nillas.
But based on my own observation of kinky relationships vs nillas.. kinky seems to burn out faster. Either that or those nillas have too much stuff between them and no one wants to give it up.
lol

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

It is interesting that the OP finds that stale partnerships are an overriding cause of divorce. Often it is other things, such as disagreements on core values such as, family, finances and child rearing. There is much more to marriage than simply keeping a partnership fresh and interesting.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 19

RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? - 5/10/2010 12:53:07 AM

lobodomslavery

Posts: 2477
Joined: 1/17/2008
Status: offline

One way of finding out would be to ask each Dominant couple at a munch, are they married or are they divorced. How would you know that they are Dominant in the first place? Look up their profile. Do a bit of investigation work. Ask them where they were married and or how long have they been divorced. But dont be too surprised if they shun you for asking them too many personal questions Lol
kevin

(in reply to NervousGrrl)

Post #: 20

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