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Looking for some insight and advice - 5/10/2010 9:16:42 AM   
subveritas


Posts: 25
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline 		Well digging through the forums I have been trying to see if I could find a thread similar to the issues I am having. There have been bits here and there and well for the sake of actually getting a better response and to save me reading posts for hours thought I should just put my issue out there.

It started about a year and a half ago. During a spanking, caning, or some form of corporal punishment session I would start avoiding the implement. Trying to avoid something that I enjoyed. It went from avoiding to rolling over if I was not bound, to taking the cane from my Masters hand and almost striking him. I was so horrified that it took him several hours to get me to stop crying and calm down. From there it has only gotten worse, and I worry that at some point it will completely poison my relationship with my Master.

Originally I thought that some of the issues were do to the distance. I was in Texas and he was in the UK and it was a product of not being able to play on a regular basis and it was just the shock of going 3-4 months without a good spanking. But being here has not made it better, I was finally able to get my visa and move here last September. We have talked at length and apart from the fact I seem to go from "oh yeah" to full blown don't you "f'in touch me" I can't place what it is that causes the change in gears. I am fine and enjoying it and about 2 seconds later all I can think is this has to stop now! Then I reign in that thought and remember that I was enjoying it 2 seconds ago and why is it too much now. Those thoughts then lead to the panic because I can't figure out why.

Lately I just want to know what the hell is broken so I can fix it. I miss being able to show off my beautiful welts and bruises. Some part of me thinks that maybe we should just continue through the panic attack since it has become such an obstacle. However Master is not of that mind set and I can tell he is concerned about the best way of approaching this problem. I want to get past this but am stumped at this point at what to do. Especially since I know it is in my head so I need to figure out what it is that triggers this. I know that the fact that my first thought is I can do this and I am not going to panic, tends to mean it will happen. Master says I should think of nothing, not to disrespect Master but it is hard to think of nothing.

To get to the point I am wondering if anyone else has had something similar and how they over came it? Or does anyone have some suggestions? I feel since the issue is obviously something in my head maybe someone will have something to say that will trigger some memory or a thought that will help me locate the issue.

_____________________________

"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!"
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RE: Looking for some insight and advice - 5/10/2010 10:16:16 AM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline 		I can relate to this.  There have been times I have been so very close to becoming screaming, will you fucking stop hitting me!!

For me it is the result of an inbalance in our D/s activities and life.  Life has a habit of making us focus on other things, work, family, school, etc, so when it comes to sporadic extreme pain I just can't deal with it mentally.

What I have found works is to ensure my self-care is seen to on a daily basis.  This can be anything so long as it is time for me.  Relaxing in the garden with a book, doing my hair or my nails for no other reason than I can, taking a bath instead of a rushed shower. Quite simply some me time.  It gives me more resolve to cope with things in life generally and certainly allows me to focus on submission.

Another technique is to meditate (that will help you think of nothing).  I am sometimes called to kneel at the edge of the bed for no other reason than to focus on nothing.  This is my kind of meditation.  I guess this too fits into me time, I know I certainly don't get much opportunity to sit and do nothing so it is quite a treat.  So for it to be prior to a scene helps me get my head in the right place.

Try not to be down on yourself about this.  You have made a big move recently, there are bound to be change and unbalance and if you are too hard on yourself, well it isn't going to achieve anything.

(in reply to subveritas)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Looking for some insight and advice - 5/10/2010 12:49:56 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Why is something broken?  What happens if he just binds you down and does it anyway?  Are you saying you are a masochist and your pain to pleasure tolerance disappeared?  Or that you are not a masochist but during the initial hazy drugged up in new love phase you were able to push past that to be disciplined and now your natural responses have returned?

Lots of people ENCOURAGE exactly the behavior you are expressing, it takes them to a primal and forceplay state of being that they feel is transcendant and allows them to engage in the dynamic very intensly and enjoyable.

Talk to him, ask exactly what behavior he expects from you- how is HE giving the pain?  Does this occur in non painful scenes (if you even have them)?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to subsfaith)
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RE: Looking for some insight and advice - 5/10/2010 1:00:06 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		I think it's quite normal for you to struggle. Hell I love pain, my body still struggles, moves, squirms, tries to get away when it comes down to intense actvities. My mind may be willing, but the body is still doing it's natural defense mechanism at times.

What is concerning is the panic attacks. If you are experiencing full blown panic, I don't think that's a response that has much to do with your d/s mindset. You aren't doing anything WRONG, he's right, you need to stop thinking about it like that, it only puts more pressure on you to try to be this thing that clearly you aren't at this moment. But, you are right, YOU need to figure out what's causing that reaction, and we can't assume that on a forum. Have you thought about consulting a kink friendly therapist? Slow down, stop ignoring your mind, it won't work to try to go around it.

I wish you luck, and I know you'll get alot of well-meaning advice here, but I think you may want to look for some outside help that isn't anonymous.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to subveritas)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Looking for some insight and advice - 5/10/2010 1:49:44 PM   
subveritas


Posts: 25
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you for the advice subsfaith will definately take it to heart and it gives me something to think about.

To answer your questions Luckyalbatross it is several of those things. When he does bind me and the panic attacks hit he becomes seriously concerned that as I begin to struggle that even well bound I will hurt myself with my struggles. It gets to the point I am so panicked that I can't respond even if he asks if I want to be released.

As far as other scenes everything is fine but this is something I enjoy, or did, and he does as well. I am just trying to figure out if this is more something with me and if this is something that I can get past. It is more that my pain tolerance seems to have disappeared and maybe that is what causes the panic attacks that thought that something I really enjoyed is no longer enjoyable.

I have been talking to him a great deal and you have given me a path to think along to hopefully it will help him and me understand this better. I am just feeling that even though he is my Dom that I should do my part to try and understand why I am for all intensive purposes flipping out on him. Especially as I am taking away more from myself than I am from him. I suspect that he would just forgo this if only because it seems to be upsetting me so much outside of scenes as well as during. I know he wants to help me through this and well I am probably being stubborn at this point but I suspect there has to be a reason why. Though sure I was not just pushing past it, given I have had several s/m relationships and a good deal more rough than this one I am thinking not so. But this is the first one I was willing to take a collar from and fell deeply in love with. So maybe that is the key.

_____________________________

"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Looking for some insight and advice - 5/10/2010 1:57:57 PM   
subveritas


Posts: 25
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you laurell3 I think therapy will be my next step just trying to go in with more than I have panic attacks during certain BDSM scenes I guess I want to understand cause it bugs me daily you know so till I can get my happy butt to a therapist want to see if I can at least puzzle some of it out besides being a broke University student doesn't help :) thank you for the advise :)

_____________________________

"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!"

(in reply to laurell3)
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RE: Looking for some insight and advice - 5/10/2010 8:27:26 PM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		I dont really think it works, as you say, to think of nothing. Nor do I think it works for you to try to "push" through this. If you are having panic, something is causing it. If you were abused in childhood, or in a previous relationship, that could easily explain why you are 'switching' in your head from enjoyment to anger.

But I also think your Master needs to stop doing whatever he is doing when you are panicking. Whatever it is, its too much pain, or too hard.


(in reply to subveritas)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Looking for some insight and advice - 5/11/2010 1:12:18 AM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline 		What might help is to give you a reason to keep still; one of the tricks I used to do is put something on a girl's head, start a count and add ten every time it fell off. Hmm...

I might set up a training regimen like this - same amount of beatings each time regardless, but you're free (not chained up) for as long as you can keep a banana on your head, and bound up for the rest of it - *and* I break out the riding crop instead of the nice leather thwacker, and get creative on you. Make it through the whole thing, and you get an extra nice cool down rubbing session, and maybe a home-cooked dinner or something. Change up the intensity, so that some days it's light enough for you to get through it easily, and some days it's damned near impossible not to break, but gradually raising the temperature every day to be consistent with what your original 'calm but definitely whipped' state was.

I might even make that a permanent thing. And make a game out of getting you to start struggling. Hell, some days I might go out of my way to make sure you did. I don't have time to cook every day, you know.

Assuming your dom did something similar... Think that would help?

< Message edited by DMFParadox -- 5/11/2010 1:17:22 AM >

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Looking for some insight and advice - 5/11/2010 4:13:33 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Can you folks skip the pain play entirely for a while? Just sensuous, fun stuff instead so you will look forward to play instead of starting out afraid. And then in a couple of months he adds in a little spanking, a light flogging and so on. Just as if you had no experience at all. And like it should go for a newbie, include a lot of sexual stimulation with it. And slowly ramp you back up to accepting heavier play.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to DMFParadox)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Looking for some insight and advice - 5/11/2010 4:25:44 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		If you're doing all that thinking/rationalising/rebelling etc during some form of beating, I'd be wondering (even alarmed) why you're not slipping into sub-space. And that's enough for me to stop, too, and consider what's going on....

I've got this personal theory that stress and sub-space share the same space in a sub's brain, with stress being the "dominant" room mate. If you're not going there (sub-space), then you've got an issue that's not being handled; an issue that needn't have anything to do with playing or D/s - like how to make the rent, for eg. And don't even bother about forcing your way through it - because that ain't how you deal with stress, which means stress ain't about to let sub-space come out to play.

Now forget about the D/s and ways to fool your own mind. Sit down with master and talk about what's *really* worrying you most.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to DMFParadox)
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RE: Looking for some insight and advice - 5/11/2010 4:43:42 AM   
subveritas


Posts: 25
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline 		I think you are probably right and suspect I shall spend this weekend talking ad nauseam to him. Stress is probably the most logical explanation and does make me feel a little better about the whole thing. Thanks especially Focus50 think you might have the best plan of action which is talk. Maybe drag the both of us off to the country for a week and forget about the real world might do a world of good.

Thank you all for your very helpful advice now to drive poor Master nuts over dinner talking :p And then maybe afterwards start using DMFParadox's ideas since I have a certain fear that even dealing with it I have gotten into a habit and it will take time to get back into the swing of things.

_____________________________

"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!"

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Looking for some insight and advice - 5/11/2010 4:44:27 PM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Can you folks skip the pain play entirely for a while?


Eh. I was assuming she wanted to keep doing it, just didn't like her own reactions to it. But switching to low gear for a couple of months or so, or even forever is fine, too, as long as it doesn't end up weighing her down as a personal failure. Then, I've also known some subs that got extremely morose and disconnected from its lack, though in those cases it was because I was burned out and disinterested, not she.


_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Looking for some insight and advice - 5/11/2010 5:58:19 PM   
dragonseeker


Posts: 554
Status: offline 		My Sire and i have something similar that happen to me on occasion. We couldn't figure out anything that 'triggered' it, but my Sire did spend more time getting me into the right 'mindset' and that seems to have solved the problem.

_____________________________

slave kamile

signed, sealed, delivered... i'm owned

i reject your reality and substitute my own

(in reply to DMFParadox)
Profile   Post #: 13
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