RE: So how DO you approach a sub?

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Andalusite -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:15:09 PM)
N-ary and n-tuples are used in a lot of different fields, and there's nothing intrinsically wrong with them. I don't want to feel that my relationships are a use-case scenario! Anyway, it sounds like you and your partner aren't actively seeking a LTR right now, though you're open to the possiblity if you find one. So, looking for a playpartner, exploring various poly resources (there's a book list over in the poly forums) talking with people in successful poly relationships about how they've structured their relationships, the challenges they've faced, and so forth will probably be helpful at this stage. Good luck!

realcoolhand -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:15:12 PM)
I can't believe I've already earned "curious" status; neat-o!

realcoolhand -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:21:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Andalusite [I]t sounds like you and your partner aren't actively seeking a LTR right now, though you're open to the possiblity if you find one. We're actively seeking, just not looking to rush into anything, while it seems like a few of the women on here are in a hurry to close the deal. I read one profile, no joke, posted by a purported slave, warning only "serious" owners to contact her because she would know within one month whether she would be compatible with prospective owners, and at that point NOT relocating would "not be an option." Crazy town. quote: ORIGINAL: Andalusite (there's a book list over in the poly forums) Book list? I'm there.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:22:30 PM)
I think Andalusite is right, I think also it is important to realise that you can end up over planning these things.

jbcurious -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:22:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: realcoolhand quote: ORIGINAL: jbcurious Then I wouldn't worry so much about how to approach a sub...work on finding someone who's a good friend to both of you and wants to become part of your family. Yeah, but we're what you might call uber-kinky; it might work out better in the end if we're dealing with a woman who already knows herself pretty darn well. I didn't mean fishing outside the sub pool, just that getting to know and become friends with a sub might open her to the idea of poly if it's not on her agenda now.

realcoolhand -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:27:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally I think also it is important to realise that you can end up over planning these things. Overplanning = my kryptonite (except in my job, where it's like GOLD).

Andalusite -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:27:34 PM)
IMHO, trying to "warn off" such people, or scammers, or fakes/flakes/blah-blah-blah is like teaching a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the people you actually are trying to attract! Having a positive, fairly up-beat profile, with a clear indication of what you are looking for and what you have to offer is much better. This specific line is what gave me the impression that you didn't actually want a girlfriend yet, "We are not interested in disrupting our timeline by taking on a new partner immediately, but it might not hurt to start "getting to know you" sooner rather than later." If I saw that when I was looking, I would have assumed that they wanted to start getting to know me as a friend, but wouldn't be interested in dating for months or over a year! So, I wouldn't have been interested in getting to know them as more than friends until they got their ducks in a row and actually were ready for a girlfriend. I wasn't actively seeking a poly relationship, or another woman or a transperson, but if I had happened to click with a couple or someone other than a man, I would have been open to exploring our options. Oh, and here's the poly book list I mentioned, and someone else suggested "Opening Up" by Tristan Tormiano.

realcoolhand -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:31:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Andalusite IMHO, trying to "warn off" such people, or scammers, or fakes/flakes/blah-blah-blah is like teaching a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the people you actually are trying to attract! Good points; give me five and check back.

porcelaine -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:39:38 PM)
realcoolhand, Pursue the fish in your own pond. There are a quite a few women that self-identify as poly and willing / actively seeking to serve a couple. I'm not going to get into the particulars of their suitability, but they do exist. What I always found bothersome was the insistence of some that the exception is out there waiting to be discovered. If the profile gives no indication of their desire to embrace your lifestyle, you're better of spending your time elsewhere. However, the reverse is true. You may fall outside of what someone else is seeking but they might be aware of an acquaintance that would be more suitable. Keep that in mind for decorum purposes when you converse. Finally, the Internet should be one element of the search, not your only option if possible. There's quite a few that don't frequent sites like these and you could be missing out on some unexplored avenues. Good luck. ~porcelaine

realcoolhand -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:44:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: porcelaine What I always found bothersome was the insistence of some that the exception is out there waiting to be discovered. If the profile gives no indication of their desire to embrace your lifestyle, you're better of spending your time elsewhere. I don't intend to be bothersome. quote: ORIGINAL: porcelaine Keep that in mind for decorum purposes when you converse. Don't worry; I'm never, ever rude; profane, sure, but not rude. quote: ORIGINAL: porcelaine [T]he Internet should be one element of the search, not your only option if possible. There's quite a few that don't frequent sites like these and you could be missing out on some unexplored avenues. Good luck. There aren't so many other options right now (geographically speaking) but we take them as they come, and hope to find more following the move. And thanks! All good luck is appreciated.

Mercnbeth -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:59:43 PM)
quote: What is the submissive type all about... the only common denominator this slave has been able to discern is that they all identify with submission ~ it might be theoretical/fantastical in that they have never experienced it within any sort of relationship or the role in a relationship dynamic they enjoy or their behavior once they become sexually intimate with another...or a combination. to whom, within what parameters, when, where, how and why are all subjective to the individual snowflake you might encounter. quote: what do you appreciate in prospective partners... confidence in one's dominance...intelligence and a sense of humor are also a big plus! this slave found early on that she isn't compatible with folks who choose to act as the dominant in a relationship or scene, but those who ARE dominant.

laurell3 -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 2:45:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth confidence in one's dominance...intelligence and a sense of humor are also a big plus! this slave found early on that she isn't compatible with folks who choose to act as the dominant in a relationship or scene, but those who ARE dominant. See? that's a MUCH better way of saying "don't be a douche bag", which was my response in the other thread....must work on tact....

itsmeinLV -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 3:54:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact A little hint here from the other side of the kneel. Stop wondering how you approach submissive women and start focusing on the fact that they are women first and submissive second. While you are wanting to group them as a "type" what matters more is that you see them as an individual. They want you to see them as who they are, rather some cookie cutter version of who others think they should be. [image]http://www.collarchat.com/image/s1.gif[/image]

SylvereApLeanan -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 4:43:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally ...the two occasions that I have been part of a couple....I just happened to get talking to them and they happened to be looking for another person to be part of their relationship...and I happened to get on with them well enough to see how it went, it certainly wasn't what I was looking for or any such thing Disagree all you like, but you've just proved my point. You may not have been "looking" for a couple but you were *open to the idea* of it. Many, if not most, women -- submissive or otherwise -- are not open to the idea in any way, whatsoever, and will immediately reject any contact from a couple no matter how well that couple matches the woman's personality or desires. Therefore, it is not simply a matter of figuring out how to approach a woman, or even a submissive woman, it's a matter of finding someone who is willing to entertain the concept of polyamory, is female, and is submissive. The more stipulations placed on finding this prospective partner, the less likely one is to find her. Regardless, the search terms I suggested will bring up threads geared toward this topic. Some of them include tips on crafting an appealing profile and initial email. This is not subject to your agreement, it is simply relevant data which may be useful to the OP.

MrRodgers -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 6:08:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth quote: realcoolhandwhat do you appreciate in prospective partners... confidence in one's dominance...intelligence and a sense of humor are also a big plus! this slave found early on that she isn't compatible with folks who choose to act as the dominant in a relationship or scene, but those who ARE dominant. THE OP asked about 'approaching' a sub not about such factors as people reflect while...in a relationship. Approaching a sub here suggests to me, emailing to a profile. I am sure I am not alone in feeling here, you do not meet people you meet that profile and hopefully...some email. It is from those that anybody let alone a femsub looking to play with or join a couple...responds. There you have nothing but trial and error as I am sure I am also not alone in having sent just about exactly the same email to two of the same kind of presumably matching prospects...and received two totally different responses. One response telling me it was the best and funniest email they had ever received...the other suggested I stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Trial and error...here. Course one could say it is trial and error obtaining subs all real time...without the net Of course there you meet the person not the profile or email. Plus, she is under no obligation to even think she should wear on her shirtsleeve let alone proclaim at the bar that she was submissive and surely not that she was looking for some dirty old dom or maybe a couple.. Lottsa trial and error.

Aileen1968 -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 7:00:45 PM)
As soon as someone approached me as if they were writing a letter to the masses or filling our a job application they were deleted unanswered. His letter only had about four sentences to it. Those four sentences conveyed his personality and things that were strong and confident and attractive about him. I was hooked from the first word. Just as he had the ability to hook me at the first word, 99.9 % of the other messages I received made me realize that they'd never get beyond the first word right at the first word. For me there is an instant click. Don't know why.

Shadow-tiger -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 9:25:35 PM)
So here's the approach I've gone with, which surprisingly worked ... In essence it could be summed up as: "Hey there, I'm horrible at hellos. I'm going to make a dork of myself, but you're actually interesting so I'm just going to be me." And then you know, point out some things that actually caught my eye and interest. It's funny when I've gotten responses that say 'sorry for whatever reason, but HOLY SHIT! You really read my profile?!' Hell, that approach has even worked now and then. [:D] Everyone has their hits and misses. But really, human first. Kinky fun toy second. At least in my book. (The annotated notes of the amateur Dom's little black book)

sunshinemiss -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 9:32:24 PM)
That's not how you approached me you lying Tiger. I think it was so fricking hot I actually had to take a cold shower. [:D]

LillyoftheVally -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/16/2010 12:49:13 AM)
In real life, you don't say 'hi m30/f25 looking to meet a f25 for ....' you say hi I am ... nice to meet you, when I met the girl from the first couple if you had asked I would have said I would never be interested in that type of relationship, I imagine if you looked back you would find that reflected in posts, indeed I believe it even said on my profile for a fair old while not to talk to me if you were in a couple. People tend to be more rigid on the internet than in real life, and in real life you don't instantly ask if someone is interested that was my point, of course I may just have proved you right again. I think what I am saying to the op is it depends how they tend to meet people, for me I would never meet a couple who I had only spoken to on the internet and yet I am now more open to that type of relationship. I would say you dont have to find someone open to the idea in the real world so much as just making friends being the priority no one likes people on the prowl.

DesFIP -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/16/2010 4:56:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: realcoolhand There aren't so many other options right now (geographically speaking) but we take them as they come, and hope to find more following the move. And thanks! All good luck is appreciated. http://americanswingersassociation.com/ASA/PMD/listing.php?id=197 Despite the name, the website says they're BDSM oriented. So join the group and make friends.

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