RE: Confused and need advice

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January -> RE: Confused and need advice (5/21/2010 5:32:59 PM)
Okee Dokee, I think I've found the drama! It's not in the OP's post, unfortunately. January

Elisabella -> RE: Confused and need advice (5/21/2010 5:37:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross I get that most of the world finds it normal to switch collars every six months, but to me that's too much drama. I'm not sure what big life decision he made, he and the OP played together twice, she wasn't collared to him, and now it sounds like he's in a committed relationship with someone else who doesn't want his ex play partner to stay over. To the OP, I think this might have been the crux of your question: quote: I like him, was completely shocked at this, as I have made no pressure to form a relationship with him, I don't want to really not see him like that in that way (I realise I may not have a choice now!) So why is it he is still active on sites and all saying he's single. So what the heck is going on? Please I'd be grateful for any advice you may wish to share? That is not biased as no one truly knows me or him. Which sounds to me like you like the guy, and wanted to keep playing with him? And you're wondering what's going on in this new relationship of his and if he's still really single like his profiles say? And if that's the case I'd say that at least for now, if you want to stay in touch with him you'll have to stop seeing him in "that way" because it sounds like he's committed to someone else. If that relationship doesn't work out for him, maybe try getting back with him? But you'll have to decide if what you want commitment from him, if he's the sort of guy who is looking for a LTR then you'll just be his play partner in between girlfriends and this might happen again.

hankyspanky2 -> RE: Confused and need advice (5/22/2010 4:05:08 AM)
Firstly I want to say thanks for everyone who has replied to me, you have all made me feel really welcome, so thank you. The reason I haven't replied until now is I wanted to hear what people would advise first, and then reply once I had read them. It is obvious from the various opinions and advice from everyone, that I’m not wrong to find this situation confusing and see confliction in his words. Whilst I understand that we had no real commitment and it is highly likely for him to meet someone else. What I struggle with is the fact it is so serious so soon. It was only a couple of weeks ago that he was suggesting that I should be this naughty school girl. I personally do not find I get that serious with anyone that soon, but hey that’s me! I would like to clear up any misconceptions on the fact that we both were playing with other people; I had a play situation end a few months before I met him, as far as I know he hadn’t had any play until we met and upon meeting him I have not played with anyone else. I was led to believe that he wasn’t either. I can also see the valid point’s people are making on the fact he doesn’t want to change his statuses on his relationship, in case it doesn’t pan out. I also think that if he is staying in the lifestyle-and his comment about leaving the scene, then perhaps he has good friends he wants to keep in touch with. I fully understand all of that, and really only he truly knows what is going on. I’m also not a person to turn my back on any friendship, although I do think it’s harder to stay friends with someone when you’ve been intimate with them. While his offer may be decent in regards to still helping me and taking me to the local munches/kinky places. What I struggle with in regards to that-is the statement of him leaving the scene? I’m also not so sure I’d be happy if I was in that level of serious relationship with him, to let him take an ex to an event like that? Who’s to say he wouldn’t be just taking me? Maybe I’d be the gooseberry? Also how would he introduce me? How would he feel if I met someone and didn’t spend the whole of my evening with him? I know that going to an event like that-doesn’t mean play is on the cards. To answer the whole question on him inviting me to stay, maybe he is pissed off I didn’t accept? didn’t respond? didn’t jump at the chance? perhaps I should explain that to him? I agree it is rude to make that offer and then take it away, but perhaps it is equally as rude not to answer the invitation. I feel that especially when knowing that the offer he made to me involved play,yet now he’s in a serious relationship?! We have been in touch in between that time and the reason I say it was out of the blue, is because he had made no indication to me that he had met someone else and was no longer interested in me. I would also like to make it known that I did not want to be a burden, he has two jobs, he is also trying to find a place to live and so even though I hadn’t responded I was pondering on whether it was fair to depend on him and his help, knowing what I know about his own situation. Which is why, I was looking at a hotel and sorting it out by myself. At the moment I’ve not responded, I’m not sure how to respond. I do not want to say anything that I will regret at a later date; I do not want to be a back up plan; I most definitely don’t want to stay with him if he has a serious relationship. I hope this will help answer some of your replies.

Elisabella -> RE: Confused and need advice (5/22/2010 4:44:33 AM)
Hi and thank you for clarifying your situation :) I can't say what he's thinking, but I can say what I'd be thinking if I were in his situation. I'm one of those people who don't think that a couple weeks is too short of a time to commit to someone...obviously there are varying levels of commitment but to me, if I go on a few dates with someone and we really click, I'd want to be his girlfriend. If I had been casually dating more than one person at that time, after committing to one I'd probably say something similar, like "I'm in a relationship with someone now, but I'd like to stay friends if you want." I met this guy once when I was living in Chicago, who lived in Canada, and I really liked him a lot but since we were both looking for committed relationships, nothing came of it, and he found a girl back home who he committed to, and we ended up hanging out when he came down to Chicago again for personal reasons, and yeah it was hard to see him as just a friend, but we were able to go out together and just have a good time. Probably couldn't do that for more than a night or two before I'd get all sadfaced but he was definitely committed to the other girl and that outweighed whatever history he and I had. And I think that guy would take me to a 'scene' event and probably introduce me to guys too, because the thing that matters isn't that we slept together, but that we liked each other as people. Also, meeting someone else doesn't mean he's no longer interested in you. If I were dating 2 guys, and I really liked both of them, and one of them was local to me and interested in committing right away and the other lived farther away and seemed more hesitant or taking it slow, it wouldn't be a stretch for me to say, well, I really like the local guy too, let's see if I can make things work. To me, a relationship isn't just about attraction and liking the person, those are just prerequisites, what really matters is if you two are moving at the same pace and have the same relationship goals. Like I said I don't know what this guy is thinking, but if you do like him, just be his friend and be supportive of his relationship. Don't see it in terms of him using you or keeping you as a backup option, unless you really know that's what he's thinking. I don't know if he's mad that you didn't accept his offer of moving in with him, I also don't know if that was a temporary "til you find an apartment" thing or if it was supposed to be permanent, but it is possible that he viewed it as you not being interested in committing to the same level that he was interested in committing to. And if that's true, you two just might have different relationship timelines, or different expectations of what to give and take in a relationship. Either way, if you think he's worth sticking around as a friend for, then stick around. He'll either marry the girl or be single again later. [8D]

January -> RE: Confused and need advice (5/22/2010 6:09:29 AM)
Hi hanky, Thanks for replying. I'm getting a clearer picture of your expectations here, and I'm concerned. If you want him as a friend, you need to talk to him. And now. If you wait too long to respond, his offer to be your friend will be revoked. It will be like the invitation to stay with him. (By the way, how long between the offer and the rescinding? If it was weeks, it's not rude at all. If it's hours, it's flaky) It won't be rude if he decides he doesn't want any more contact with you. He'll just be thinking, "I don't need the drama." He's is, at the moment, behaving as a friend to you. He deserves the same. If you want to know about his new relationship, ask him. Ask him like a friend would (even if you have those annual playdate feelings toward him). "Oh, how wonderful. What's she like? Is she local? Where did you meet her? Please tell me about her." Maybe once you get that conversation going you can ask him how come he still has his profile up. Sitting around being shocked, and believing that there's no way he could have found someone, is self-indulgent. And it will in no way fix your confusion. January

hankyspanky2 -> RE: Confused and need advice (5/23/2010 12:53:35 AM)
To update you all, I responded to him along the lines of I was pleased he had met someone, and that we should keep in touch as friends. I explained that there was little he could do to help me with my situation as nothing is confirmed, and thanked him for his offer. The pre-text of the invite was nothing like moving in with him, or commiting to such a relationship, in my understanding of it, it was to stay there for a few days, so that I could go view places to live. I suspect his thinking was also on saving me money in regards to the hotel. What happens next, is nothing. I shall continue with my life and remain active in finding potential play dates, but I'm in no rush, I don't believe in rebounds, I'd much rather give myself and the other person the chance of getting to know each other. I think westbayslave was correct on the fact he will probably flit in and out of my life. But I'm not waiting on that :) It was not a self induldgent thing to say, that I didn't think he had met someone or was capable of such a thing, of course it happens and is possible. I was just shocked by his sudden announcement-like anyone would naturally be.

delicatelydirty -> RE: Confused and need advice (5/23/2010 3:27:33 AM)
I can identify with that from the other side of things..... Both myself and my Man fell for each other in a very short space of time and left behind a few people who were left scratching their heads and saying ... WTF..... It was very sudden, we both went from dating other people to only having eyes for each other and in truth neither of us believed that the others in our lives wanted anything serious.... we tried to explain that we never intended to hurt anyone, sometimes things just "click" ..... sadly a couple of those people had created a far deeper relationship in their minds than we were aware and were quite cut intially... But they can now see that we are happy and so far so good.... but even down to rescinding invitations that sounds like what happened here.... Best you can do is stay friends... or if that proves difficult move on... as for still being on sites, I am as is my other, because we have friends on them and like the forums ect.... nothing at all to do with looking for others OP good luck with it all... I am a believer that everything works out as it is meant to

January -> RE: Confused and need advice (5/23/2010 7:04:08 AM)
quote: It was not a self induldgent thing to say, that I didn't think he had met someone or was capable of such a thing, of course it happens and is possible. I thought it was self-indulgent for you to sit around and speculate and make judgments about his love time-table--instead of asking him about his new relationship. But I guess you've found a solution of sorts. You've decided to go on with your life, and you've told him you just want to be friends. Which is, of course, reasonable on the face of things. Except your offer of friendship is dishonest. You are still "shocked" he found someone so quickly. In my opinion, your unresolved disapproval is the same as allowing your friendship with him to die on the vine. January

hankyspanky2 -> RE: Confused and need advice (5/23/2010 7:23:09 AM)
Actually I did ask him about his new relationship, in a supportive, friendly and pleased for him kind of way. I said it was great news and how did you met? I feel that was the best I could do as his friend. I'm not going to make moving on for the both of us anymore diffcult than it needs to be, am not bitter or jealous. It is hard to convey all that via an email but I know for myself that it came from a kind place.

VonTeese -> RE: Confused and need advice (5/25/2010 8:41:22 PM)
wow talk about instability, seems he was talking to more than one potential slave at once and the other one answered before you did or someone from his past got back into his life and he decided to drop you like a hot potato. you also mentioned he said that this other person he meet was serious, that to me sounds like he was under the impression that you were joking around or not serious enough. Are you sure you didn't leave him thinking that you weren't serious for u also mentioned giving him vague answers and a lot of vague responses can make one wonder about your intentions. But even so it's still awefull that he just dropped u like that in the blink of an eye. I'm sorry for your agony you suffered by this

BabieGothika -> RE: Confused and need advice (6/5/2010 6:41:23 PM)
why u gonna move overthere now/? i think than u need to let him go , if he is telling u than he is in love with somebody else now, dont lose your time and try to find another one[;)][;)][;)][;)][;)][;)][;)][;)]

LafayetteLady -> RE: Confused and need advice (6/5/2010 10:29:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BabieGothika why u gonna move overthere now/? i think than u need to let him go , if he is telling u than he is in love with somebody else now, dont lose your time and try to find another one[;)][;)][;)][;)][;)][;)][;)][;)] If you will re read the post, you will see that she was already planning to move to that area before she met him. The move has nothing to do with the guy.

onestandingstill -> RE: Confused and need advice (6/11/2010 10:13:43 AM)
Just glad he switched before your feelings were too involved.

trueshadow -> RE: Confused and need advice (6/11/2010 8:40:56 PM)
Is his name Van der Sloot?

hankyspanky2 -> RE: Confused and need advice (6/27/2010 9:39:25 AM)
Further update; I did as everyone suggested and gave him space to do what he felt he had to do. I never instigated anything kinky with or toward him, I kept everything friendly, light, good humoured and vanilla. Then out of the blue he's back as if nothing has happened, back instigating kinky activities, flirting (being the person I first met and liked). I go off on a holiday for 5 days (he knew I was going away), come home, settle back into life. Send him a message that I'm home, how was he, etc etc. I jolly him along with a funny message and then he's all arse-y with me when I flirt with him. I make a suggestion that he should do something that he loves (sport) I get this response "No that won't work, I need to focus" I then suggest he needs something to distract him, I get this " I've too many distractions at the moment." I then go on to suggest something a little fruity/naughty/kinky, and then it's this "We have to stop having this conversation, I like hearing from you, and it will be cool to see you when you come here to study but I've only friendship to offer, just please think of me as a friend. Life is complicated at the moment." Needless to say I was a little taken a back considering only a week previously he was all over me like a rash! So I say this to him "But it wasn't that long ago you were initating this type of conversation with me too, so I'm a little confused." He then says "I'm sorry for confusing you. That's the last thing I wanted, I promise not to be confusing again. My offer to be a friendly face and a welcome to the area still stands should I want it. I wouldn't want to lose touch." By now I'm at the last straw and tell him I will think overnight-after all this is the 2nd time in the same strange merry-go-round! I email him the next morning with the jist of "Your right, we are better being friends than we will ever be at anything else, sorry things are complicated for you, am sure and hope things will get better for you soon. As you said you didn't want to lose touch that is down to you now. See you around in (said city)." That evening I get this "I'm so sorry things are the way they are. I hope that we can stay in touch and that you're not too upset with me. <insert said offer about help finding a place in said city> and how he's here to help me get settled." I'm sorry but have I missed something, that in the space of a week everything changes yet again? Or is this some mind fuckery, or him wanting me to jump through his hoops?! To be honest I've washed my hands of the whole thing, I will sort my own place and make my own plans. But I just don't understand this whole yo-yo up and down ness. He knew when I was next coming to the city, he had a date, it wasn't that long away. Any input or advice would be great! Thanks xx

Andalusite -> RE: Confused and need advice (6/27/2010 9:44:59 AM)
I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who treated me that way.

xxblushesxx -> RE: Confused and need advice (6/27/2010 10:09:03 AM)
He was feeling insecure in his new relationship and used you to build his ego back up. Apparently he's back in the game with the new chick, and is trying to be a good boy. Respect his boundaries. (actually, I'd respect them so much he'd not see nor hear from me again!)

hankyspanky2 -> RE: Confused and need advice (6/27/2010 10:15:32 AM)
Thank you for putting a smile on my face Christina, I do believe your right and I was stuipd enough to be flattered by his attention, needless to say I'm long gone, and there is nothing he can say or do that will change my mind. Once you break a persons trust, its gone for good.

sexyred1 -> RE: Confused and need advice (6/27/2010 10:30:44 AM)
The guy sounded like a mind fucker then and still sounds like one now. Delete him.

Nineveh -> RE: Confused and need advice (6/27/2010 11:52:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: January Hi hanky, It's possible that he sincerely considers you a friend. Taking you to a kinky event doesn't mean he wants to play, right? Friendship with a local could be a wonderful thing for you. Especially if the new partner is cool with him having female friends. To me, the only thing weird about his behavior that I can see, is that he's still single and looking on other sites. Is is possible he just hasn't updated his profile? Maybe he's having second thoughts about this other partner? Maybe she's vanilla? Maybe he's suddenly poly? Unless he's neglected to update, these are all things you should probably talk to him about--even if you just remain friends. January I want to second what January has said here. I don't see anything suspicious, but I would definitely encourage communication. I also don't see this as flaky. He was looking for a relationship, the OP was one of the people he was considering (in the usual sense of the word, not the maybe I'm going to collar you and we are committed sense) he ended up committing to someone else but still sees the good qualities in the OP and wants to stay friends and offers his help as a local friend. I don't see anything shady or flakey in that.

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