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RE: Confused and need advice - 6/27/2010 12:04:08 PM

Nineveh

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Joined: 2/5/2008
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A flirt is not the same as a mindfucker. Sounds to me like he's a bit of a natural flirt and was feeling guilty about that and/or was (re)developing feelings for the OP that he knew were not appropriate while in a commited monogamous relationship. Yeah, it jerks on her feelings a bit, but hopefully she wasn't taking his flirting too seriously in the first place.

I know that I wouldn't discard a friendship because she'd flirted with me and needed to back off to preserve her own feelings and boundaries. I wouldn't assume she was a mindfucker or intentionally playing with my emotions.

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RE: Confused and need advice - 6/27/2010 2:28:55 PM

hankyspanky2

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Joined: 5/21/2010
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There's a huge difference in my opinion from flirting to planning out a scene, which is what he did the week before I went away. It was the same scene previously to when he annouced to me he had met someone else. Whilst he may be a natural flirt (which was not the impression he gave or has ever been when together e.g not with or when being around other women) to build something like that up, to know it is not the right or the correct thing to do (because of being in a commited relationship) is in my view messing with someones head! It is giving them candy and taking it away again? My complete understanding of it before I went on holiday was we were back on track/back together again.

I don't and didn't turn my back on his offer of friendship-in fact if you re-read I said I kept things friendly and light with him. It was him who started the kinky ball rolling again. I have re-stated that I'm not and have not ever questioned his or our friendship-but that is down to him.

Thanks for your thoughts anyway, I am trying to look at things objectively too.

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RE: Confused and need advice - 6/27/2010 5:39:30 PM

Nineveh

Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hankyspanky2

There's a huge difference in my opinion from flirting to planning out a scene, which is what he did the week before I went away. It was the same scene previously to when he annouced to me he had met someone else. Whilst he may be a natural flirt (which was not the impression he gave or has ever been when together e.g not with or when being around other women) to build something like that up, to know it is not the right or the correct thing to do (because of being in a commited relationship) is in my view messing with someones head! It is giving them candy and taking it away again? My complete understanding of it before I went on holiday was we were back on track/back together again.

I don't and didn't turn my back on his offer of friendship-in fact if you re-read I said I kept things friendly and light with him. It was him who started the kinky ball rolling again. I have re-stated that I'm not and have not ever questioned his or our friendship-but that is down to him.

Thanks for your thoughts anyway, I am trying to look at things objectively too.

My responses are actually largely aimed at the people who are loudly proclaiming him a mindfucker, a flake, and a pig without knowing him. It looks to me as if your reactions have been fairly balanced and you are the only person who really knows the whole situation in any case.

If he was planning a scene as in actually suggesting it happen that is definitely kind of messed up. Talking about "well, if I were going to play with you, this is how it would go" is one thing saying "I'd like to play, if you are ok with that this is how it will go" when he knows that it is not ok with his SO is not ok.

Of course quite possibly he was giving into his attraction to you in ways that he himself knew was not ok, but it is kind of vital if one seeks to control others that they be able to control themselves.

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Post #: 43

RE: Confused and need advice - 6/27/2010 9:03:40 PM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
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You know, this is not really that complicated. I have learned that when you have a good connection with someone, you dont have anxiety about him, you dont doubt his motive or his intentions, because they are CLEAR. You are doing what many of us do, especially subs, which is overriding that uneasiness in your tummy; instead of red flag meaning "STOP", you are saying "What's the problem and how can I fix it?". Dont do that. Dont do that. Red flags mean stop. Anxiety, uncertainty, lack of clarity of purpose and intent are all warnings. He is showing you who he is and you already know it is not satisfactory. Listen to that voice.

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Post #: 44

RE: Confused and need advice - 6/27/2010 9:05:35 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hankyspanky2

There's a huge difference in my opinion from flirting to planning out a scene, which is what he did the week before I went away. It was the same scene previously to when he annouced to me he had met someone else. Whilst he may be a natural flirt (which was not the impression he gave or has ever been when together e.g not with or when being around other women) to build something like that up, to know it is not the right or the correct thing to do (because of being in a commited relationship) is in my view messing with someones head! It is giving them candy and taking it away again? My complete understanding of it before I went on holiday was we were back on track/back together again.

I don't and didn't turn my back on his offer of friendship-in fact if you re-read I said I kept things friendly and light with him. It was him who started the kinky ball rolling again. I have re-stated that I'm not and have not ever questioned his or our friendship-but that is down to him.

Thanks for your thoughts anyway, I am trying to look at things objectively too.

Sounds to me like he is married and having some trouble in the marriage. As in they are separating, then getting back together, he gets upset, flirts with you, then gets back together with her, and so on and so on.

If you want to remain friendly with him, that's your choice. But you should expect the same yo yo behavior to continue, and when you move to the area (for school is it?) don't be surprised if he attempts to make you a booty call.

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Post #: 45

RE: Confused and need advice - 6/28/2010 8:06:38 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
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Planning out a detailed scene whether as a fantasy or not, if he is in a monogamous relationship, is inappropriate and disrespectful. If I knew someone was in a relationship, I won't flirt with them, play with them, or whatever without their partner's specific consent. Someone who can't decide whether or not they are interested in a relationship with me (assuming they are single) comes across as flaky, and I'd settle the question by letting them know I was no longer interested.

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Post #: 46