Master doesn't want to play

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Jadxia -> Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 10:26:29 AM)
My boyfriend hasn't been wanting to 'play' lately, and when we do it's more 'play his way' than 'play my way'. Everything else is going fairly well, and our sex life is still awesome, but my 'special' collar is seriously getting dusty. When I've talked with him about it, all I get is "I'm just not in the mood to do that right now." I'm seriously considering finding someone else to entertain that part, and it feels like cheating even though there wouldn't be any sex. If this keeps up, I'm going to be shopping around for a new boyfriend. We were both heavy into the scene when we met, so it's not that. What do I do? ----- "A man keeps, like his love, his courage dark." -- Antoine de St. Exupery

BitaTruble -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 10:35:58 AM)
Seriously, print out the post you just wrote. Highlight the part about "if this keeps up, I'm going shopping for a new boyfriend" then show it to him. Celeste

amayos -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 11:06:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jadxia My boyfriend hasn't been wanting to 'play' lately, and when we do it's more 'play his way' than 'play my way'. Everything else is going fairly well, and our sex life is still awesome, but my 'special' collar is seriously getting dusty. When I've talked with him about it, all I get is "I'm just not in the mood to do that right now." I'm seriously considering finding someone else to entertain that part, and it feels like cheating even though there wouldn't be any sex. If this keeps up, I'm going to be shopping around for a new boyfriend. We were both heavy into the scene when we met, so it's not that. What do I do? In my apparently deranged world, a Master usually plays his way, though I can understand how frustrating it might be to be ignored in this vein if you are a female truly inclined to deeply serve. While it's impossible to give one the right compass when only hearing one portion of a relational dilemma, I would say it's possible you have moved away from role of servant in his eyes to that of something very tender and paternally cherished—that he cannot bring himself to interact harshly in this way any longer. This is obviously a stab in the dark. Take from it what you may, and be well.

LadyMorgynn -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 11:15:05 AM)
It's hard to tell from your post, but there's a possibility that he was just playing around with BDSM, and has gotten tired of it. It happens.

BitaTruble -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 12:04:40 PM)
quote: In my apparently deranged world, a Master usually plays his way, though I can understand how frustrating it might be to be ignored in this vein if you are a female truly inclined to deeply serve. While it's impossible to give one the right compass when only hearing one portion of a relational dilemma, I would say it's possible you have moved away from role of servant in his eyes to that of something very tender and paternally cherished—that he cannot bring himself to interact harshly in this way any longer. This is obviously a stab in the dark. Take from it what you may, and be well. Well, you didn't really give her any advice, but even so Amayos, isn't it true that in your world a Master isn't part-time? This is from her journal. 'My b/f and sometime master will, of course, be there and be guiding me along and keeping me from fear. Whatever he asks, I can do because he asks it of me. This is certainly a labor of love.' Given that she is serving a sometime Master, then to me, she has the right to bring her concerns forward and if he doesn't address those within the parameter of their relationship, she has the right to give him what for about it. She is not a slave. Celeste

IronBear -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 12:06:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jadxia My boyfriend hasn't been wanting to 'play' lately, and when we do it's more 'play his way' than 'play my way'. Everything else is going fairly well, and our sex life is still awesome, but my 'special' collar is seriously getting dusty. When I've talked with him about it, all I get is "I'm just not in the mood to do that right now." I'm seriously considering finding someone else to entertain that part, and it feels like cheating even though there wouldn't be any sex. If this keeps up, I'm going to be shopping around for a new boyfriend. We were both heavy into the scene when we met, so it's not that. What do I do? ----- "A man keeps, like his love, his courage dark." -- Antoine de St. Exupery This is one excelent reason why I am a Gorean Master..... nuff said.........

amayos -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 12:29:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble Well, you didn't really give her any advice, but even so Amayos, isn't it true that in your world a Master isn't part-time? This is from her journal. 'My b/f and sometime master will, of course, be there and be guiding me along and keeping me from fear. Whatever he asks, I can do because he asks it of me. This is certainly a labor of love.' Given that she is serving a sometime Master, then to me, she has the right to bring her concerns forward and if he doesn't address those within the parameter of their relationship, she has the right to give him what for about it. She is not a slave. As I said, it is difficult to give advice when hearing only one side of a personal incongruence between lovers, though I feel the body of what I wrote eludes to consideration of her mate's feelings on the matter, and not simply her need to entertain herself. In my world a Master does not follow an on-off algorithm, indeed, but given the quote you supplied, I would say she seems rather willing and able to serve—and may quite possibly desire a more reliable fixture of dominance in her life.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 1:16:32 PM)
Two thoughts: 1. When you act more submissively a dominant acts more dominantly. Can you serve him a drink and use honorifics? Can ask to touch him please him and say of course it is masters pleasure and mean it? Can you lower your eyes and go to your knees, or sit on the floor by his feet, or kiss them? 2. If none of this sparks him to give you what you want bdsm wise (which I hope you come back to the forum to clarify) then you are right, boyfriend shopping is in your future because this guy is a dud, it happens a lot actually. Amayos, you have obviously never been with a partner that gave up doing D/s for no apparent reason, it is a painful betrayal. I think the OP is referring to her boyfriend going vanilla on her, glad that has never happened to you, but trust me it sucks.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 1:28:09 PM)
As said, he might be burnt out, he might be tired, he might not care as much. One thing, other than the obvious talk about this with him, is to focus more on "what can I do with this energy to make his life easier?" It's easy to get into the pattern to sit around like an eager puppy just ready to leap for the next scene or order to be given- but try getting into a pattern of being busy and actively seeking ways to do things together.

amayos -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 1:53:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress Amayos, you have obviously never been with a partner that gave up doing D/s for no apparent reason... That's actually incorrect. I was in a very meaningful relationship with a girl for over eight years who went from submissive to a more traditional role in the first two. There is always a reason why people do or do not do things. Learning why is a process of communication and an understanding of what true love actually is (if you are lovers). quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress I think the OP is referring to her boyfriend going vanilla on her, glad that has never happened to you, but trust me it sucks. I'm sure it does suck, but I think clarity is always a good thing. Are you boyfriend first and Master second, in reverse, or something abstract in between? I ask the same of the submissive girl who opened this post. Surely, there is willingness here, but the course of direction it's set upon seems vague to me.

slavejali -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 4:00:17 PM)
Some people see kink as a fun thing to do, kinda like taking a photography course, you take some pics for awhile and then your camera sits dusty in the cupboard un-used. Doesnt mean they dont still love their partner or whatever. Other people see kink as an intricate part of a relationship and if the kink is disappearing it would mean the person is removing themselves from the relationship itself. From what I'm hearing, you see kink as an intricate part of your relationship, if this issue doesnt get resolved like you said yourself you will be looking for another one that more suits your needs. I dont know what advice to give other than "Talk to your partner" the relationship is at stake.

cillydom -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 5:03:43 PM)
From what was said it could that he just ran through his kink phase and is ready to move on.

MHOO314 -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 5:16:21 PM)
hmmm your profile states you are an expert in many things in the life---and you aren't an expert in communication? It all starts with talking, if you are as serious as your profile states, why are you so quick to seek something outside of your relationship?

DelRey -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 7:30:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear quote: ORIGINAL: Jadxia My boyfriend hasn't been wanting to 'play' lately, and when we do it's more 'play his way' than 'play my way'. Everything else is going fairly well, and our sex life is still awesome, but my 'special' collar is seriously getting dusty. When I've talked with him about it, all I get is "I'm just not in the mood to do that right now." I'm seriously considering finding someone else to entertain that part, and it feels like cheating even though there wouldn't be any sex. If this keeps up, I'm going to be shopping around for a new boyfriend. We were both heavy into the scene when we met, so it's not that. What do I do? ----- "A man keeps, like his love, his courage dark." -- Antoine de St. Exupery This is one excelent reason why I am a Gorean Master..... nuff said......... Nothing worse than whiny pets. You don't have to be gorean to shreek over this one

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 8:15:11 PM)
If you are in an on off or "sometimes" Master/sub relationship..maybe he is having difficulty constantly "changing hats" and thus finds it easier to just do what comes easiest for him..(nothing wrong with that esp in D/s..however..)if it is a straying from D/s to "vanilla" then you need to open up that communication and let your feelings be known before you throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak..Maybe you need to redefine your relationship..The info you provided left very little to work with to give a worthwhile answer...be well..Tempting

MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/8/2006 8:20:49 PM)
Seems there is a fundamental misunderstanding about the relationship dynamics. You are the submissive ergo you are not the one in charge, love. If you want to "play your way" instead of playing the way your Master directs you need to find someone to submit to you so that you can bottom from the top instead of wanting to top the man you're with from the bottom. Whatever you do, I CAN say that if you go to him and say a ultimatum won't help. At all!! That'll be the quickest way to end things. I suggest you just get over it and learn to deal. Life goes on.

BlouLady -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/10/2006 9:28:35 AM)
I have been having that problem myself...all i can say is talk to him about it...wish i could be more help.. Lady

MstrssPassion -> RE: Master doesn't want to play (4/10/2006 12:02:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jadxia My boyfriend hasn't been wanting to 'play' lately, and when we do it's more 'play his way' than 'play my way'. Everything else is going fairly well, and our sex life is still awesome, but my 'special' collar is seriously getting dusty. When I've talked with him about it, all I get is "I'm just not in the mood to do that right now." I'm seriously considering finding someone else to entertain that part, and it feels like cheating even though there wouldn't be any sex. If this keeps up, I'm going to be shopping around for a new boyfriend. We were both heavy into the scene when we met, so it's not that. What do I do? quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble Seriously, print out the post you just wrote. Highlight the part about "if this keeps up, I'm going shopping for a new boyfriend" then show it to him. Celeste This one needs to be stored for easy review just so it can be shown as an example that it is not only the male subs that are greedy, do-me bottoms apt to troll around behind their partner's back. Good luck to ya Jadxia... just be honest with those you are presently involved with & with those that you may get involved with & no one should complain about anything that comes out of it all.

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