SocratesNot
Posts: 812
Joined: 5/17/2010
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OK, you can relax. I'm not going to say that dominants are bullies or that submissives are spineless doormats.
These are just stereotypes which are completely wrong in most cases. I think that most dominants and submissives are
normal lovely people.
However, I have an interesting theory on the possible origins of dominance and submission, and the types of pleasure
dominants and submissives derive from sessions, the theory which is somewhat based on evolution theory and classical
conditioning.
Don't take it too seriously, this is just my attempt to explain D/s logically.
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First, I would like to say that there are two main causes of both dominance and submission: exteral and internal.
External causes can be explained by classical conditioning.
Internal causes can be explained by theory of evolution.
In most submissives and dominants both types of causes contributed to their preference for dominance or submission in
sex and relationships.
Let's first discuss the external causes.
When either dominance or submission is predominantly caused by external causes, they are usually of much less intensity,
usually fetishistic in nature and focused on play, not on real D/s. Such people are usually just tops or bottoms, maybe sadist
or masochists, but rarely real dominants and submissives.
The external cause of dominance can be explained by experiencing or witnessing sexually arousing situation in which
you are in the position of power or someone you identify with is in position of power. After such situation you learn
to associate sexual arousal with being in power, which causes you to develop a fetish for dominance.
In the same way, external cause of submissiveness can be explained by experiencing or witnessing sexually arousing
situation in which you are powerless or in which you identify with someone who is powerless. This causes you to
associate sexual arousal with feelings of powerlessness and submission, and later it leads to development of fetish for submission.
Because such causes are not based on their core psychology, but on the accidental experience of these situations, the dominance
and submission based on such conditioning is usually present only in sexual sphere and is not very intensive. I say only in sexual
sphere, because this is based on the association of feeling of power or powerlessness with sexual arousal.
The very same scene witnessed by two different people can cause them to develop different D/s inclinations. For example, in the
rape scene, if one identifies with the rapist he is likely to develop dominant tendencies. If one identifies with the victim, he or she is
likely to develop submissive tendencies.
Exposure to BDSM porn can have the similar effect on people as witnessing real life rape or experiencing some kind of abuse,
of course much lesser in intensity, but similar in its nature.
When it comes to internal causes, the causes of dominance and submission are somewhat different, but both can be caused
by feelings of inferiority or insecurity.
However, there are natural alpha men and women, and in their case, the dominance is not caused by feelings of insecurity.
As for submissives of both genders, they don't have to be weak at all. Nor they have to have low-self esteem. They quite
often have a strong personality. But it is possible that they internalized negative judgements of others, so on the most basic
level they may feel inferior even though they are not really inferior. The reason for such negative judgement can be various.
For example if they were fat as kids, maybe other children mocked them, or if they weren't much talented for sports, this also
can be the reason for mocking, or if they entered puberty just one or two years later than most of their peers, this may be the
cause of their inability to form meaningful romantic relationships in these critical teenage years which made them feel inferior.
Also, it is possible that they were raised by strict parents or that they went to school in which there was a huge focus on moral
and ethical values. So even though their ego is strong, their super ego has grown even stronger, because they internalized all
these values and judgements which always tell them that they are not good enough. They might be excellent students and diligent
workers. Because they usually strive for perfection, they may end up in high profile corporate jobs, and in other societal positions
of power. But still, they feel that they are not good enough. Their too strong super-ego tells them, "you are not good enough",
"you are inferior", etc. Because they feel inferior, they intuitively think that their chances at getting an erotic partner are slim
and also, because they feel inferior, they want a partner that will be superior to them in order to have the best possible offsprings.
Since they consider their own genetic material not good enough (this is all on subconscious level, of course), in order to have
healthy offsprings, they want a partner with better genetic material, which is in their mind equivalent to being superior.
Also, because they think that their chances of finding a partner are slim, once they have one, they are willing to please their
partners extremely, because they think if they fail to do so, they may lose their partner. In the same way as they want to prove
themselves in school, university or on their job, and strive for perfection, they also want to be nothing less then perfect for their
partners, because if they are not perfect, they think they might lose them.
So, basically, the basic motive for submission is a fear of rejection.
When it comes to male dominants there are two basic types - natural alpha men and insecure dominants.
Natural alpha men probably never had any major psychological issues. They are assertive, secure, they have a lot of
self-esteem and self confidence, they know who they are and what they want. Submissive women are naturally attracted
to such men. However, natural alpha men rarely need to dominate. They are secure enough in any relationship that they
simply don't need to dominate in any way. They have natural authority and commanding presence. Very rarely they
enter formal D/s relationships. As they respect themselves, they equally respect women. Sometimes they become
dominants simply because they know that their submissive partners need it.
Even when they do, their style of dominance is not very strict nor cruel - just firm. Because natural alpha men do not have
internal need to dominate, external or fetishistic reasons which I previously described may be important in formation of
their affinity to kinky activities and domination in strict D/s sense.
Insecure male dominants are second type.
When it comes to such dominants, their basic motive may also be feelings of inferiority, insecurity and fear. However, they
fear that if they are not dominant enough, they will not be as attractive to their partners and can also be possibly rejected.
So, the motive for being dominant is also fear of rejection.
The insecure dominants probably passed through the similar process as submissives, but they responded to it differently.
Also it is possible that they internalized a little different values in their super-ego than submissives. While submissives
internalized values such as morality, work ethics, etc, many dominants perhaps internalized values of machismo, being
a real man etc, the values that they maybe failed to accomplish in one moment of their life.
So, in order to cope with feelings of inferiority and insecurity, insecure male dominants developed strong affinity to control
everything, including their partner. They are afraid that they may lose anything that is not under their strict control. They are
also afraid that the things in their life tend to become chaotic and to deteriorate quickly if they are not under their strict control.
The main reason for such fears is the feeling of inferiority or insecurity that they felt at one moment in their life. So to avoid
the insecurity, they must always reassure that everything is under control. They also strive to reprove themselves again and
again in order to avoid feelings of inferiority and insecurity.
In their relationships, they are afraid that if they don't act dominantly enough, that they will be considered weak, girlish,
feminine, insecure etc. In order to avoid this, they need to always reassert their dominance. So, as I said, they fear that
they might be rejected if they are not dominant enough, so fear of rejection is very importent in psychology of insecure
male dominants as well.
And finally, the most mysterious part - the formation process of a female dominant.
Society never demanded of women to be dominant, so it is somewhat tricky to explain their dominance.
I think there are three types of female dominants: 1. natural alpha women, 2. dommes interested only in money,
3. insecure dommes
In my opinion of all the groups mentioned, female dominants which are natural alpha women, along with natural
alpha men are least insecure. It is possible that they were quite successful in their youth and very beautiful as well. Such
personality simply caused most men to be somewhat afraid of them, because they feared they are not good enough or
dominant enough for such a woman.
It is possible that only the most dominant males dared to approach them and they formed power couples with such
dominant women. Such relationships sometimes work, but they quite often fail, because the struggle for power and
control is often present in them.
After dissatisfaction with several such power relationships, the dominant woman decided to take the things in her own
hands. So she used her assertiveness and sexuality to seduce more submissive types of men, and of course she was
successful. So they probably formed very successful, female led, but still vanilla relationship in which she was treated
like a goddess, and he also enjoyed the relationship with such a powerful woman very much. Many naturally dominant
women never actually proceed to real D/s or BDSM. In most cases this happens completely accidentally if some of their
lovers happens to be kinky and introduces them to femdom. As an open minded and assertive women, more often than
not, they happen to like it, so they become dommes. Or, in an alternative case, as a open minded and curious women,
they happen to discover the kink on their own, and to like it.
The core reason for the assertiveness and pronounced sexuality of such women is probably somewhat higher level of
testosterone than women usually have.
That's why they are quite often lesbians and also they have genuine attraction to submissive and even effeminate
men. In my opinion such female dominance is usually the most natural form of dominance because it is caused by their
natural affinity and the situation they encountered in life, and not on feelings of insecurity. Also their style of domination
is not cruel, but nurturing, and since they don't have much internal need to dominate, their kinky elements may also be
based on external, fetishistic factors, just like among natural alpha men. However, in my opinion, genuine female dominants
are quite rare, and it is even possible that they are more present in the world of vanilla then in BDSM.
However, there are many dommes who just want to make some money by taking advantage of the fact that there is
a great demand for dommes, while having no attraction to dominance nor to submissive males whatsoever. They are
probably completely vanilla in their heart, but they can be unscrupulous materialists, which makes them attractive to subs.
These dommes can be found in greater number among online dommes and especially among financial dommes, they are
not usually found among dominatrices who have dungeons. In my opinion most pro-dommes with dungeons have at least
some natural affinity for dominance, even if their main motive is money. Many of them are also lifestyle dommes, not just pro,
so there are many natural alpha women among pro dominatrices as well.
The third type are insecure dommes.
The reason for their dominance is similar to that of insecure male doms. But, since the society does not say that women
should be dominant, they cope with these feelings differently than male doms. In order to feel satisfied with themselves and
to avoid feeling of inferiority, they simply need to dominate men, usually strong alpha men. It's a challenge for them. The
more manly man they dominate, the greater is their accomplishment and the less insecure they will feel. Such dommes are
usually more cruel then natural alpha women that I previously described, because they are attracted to partners that are
not naturally so submissive. So they need to break them. In breaking them they can be very cruel. They also usually demand
strict obedience, observance of rituals and even worship, because if they lack it, their feelings of insecurity or inferiority return.
Among lifestyle dommes there are many natural alpha women, as well as insecure dommes.
Next, I want to say, that it is a good thing for all of these mentioned groups to enter D/s relationships.
Furthermore, submissives and insecure dominants of both genders actually need it. Natural alpha men and women don't
need it, but they can enjoy it as well. So in most D/s relationships everyone is satisfied.
If real submissives don't enter D/s relationship they will most likely be treated badly by people who don't understand them
and they will be submissive anyway. In D/s relationship their needs are understood and submission is ritualized and sexualized
and feels good. In D/s relationship they will be rewarded for their submission, and also for some subs the submission is a reward
in itself
Insecure dominants would probably be bullies in vanilla relationships. So, it is also very good for them to enter D/s relationship
where they will satisfy their need to dominate in structured, ritualized way, and where they will be met with people who are
willing to please them, satisfy them and understand them.
Except for the need to dominate or submit, none of the groups mentioned have any flaws in character any more than all the
other people do.
Also, the need to dominate or submit is not a flaw of character when it is satisfied in safe and understanding environment of
D/s relationship.
There are three types of pleasure common to all types of dominants (but not to all dominants since some are not fetishistic),
and fourth which is present only in insecure types of dominants.
First is pleasure from pleasing their partners, satisfying their need to submit.
Second is fetishistic pleasure, caused by external factors of classical conditioning. This is present only in those dominants
who were influenced by external factors of classical conditioning to power or some other fetish. (However, even if they
were not influenced by it, they might develop fetishes during their ongoing D/s experience)
Third is pleasure from power, no matter who you are and what your affinities are, power simply feels good and is quite exciting.
Fourth type is present only in insecure dominants, and this is the pleasure that comes from alleviating feelings of
inferiority and insecurity and reasserting of their ego.
As for submissives, they also derive pleasure from pleasing their partners, they can derive fetishistic pleasure if
they were influenced by external factors of conditioning (also even if they are not, they will probably develop some fetishes
over time); instead of pleasure from power, the third type of pleasure among submissives is pleasure from excitement
or adventure. This happens when you are helpless to some external force and you are not sure what will come next. This
is the same type of pleasure that comes from being on a rollercoster.
The fourth type of pleasure, is similar to the pleasure of insecure dominants, because it is based on feelings of inferiority
and insecurity.
However, among submissives such pleasure is completely different. They actually derive pleasure not directly from
their inferiority, but from their partner's superiority. Acknowledging partner's superiority means that they
have succeeded! In spite of feelings of inferiority and insecurity they have achieved being in a relationship
with the superior partner. They enjoy to melt and disappear in their partner. Humiliation feels good not because
this makes submissive smaller or inferior, but only because by making them small, inferior and insignificant,
their partners become great, superior and significant in comparison to them. The more humiliated they become
the greater is the superiority of their partners - and being with the partner that is superior - this is the ultimate
goal of every submissive.
Why? - Simply because being with the superior partner means that they have succeeded in their evolutionary
quest of finding the best possible partner who will give them the best possible offsprings. Also, even though they
are humiliated, this very same process that exalts their partners, namely humiliation, also exalts themselves -
their feelings of inferiority and insecurity eventually disappear, because they finally realize that they are good
enough to attract the superior partner.
There are three additional types of pleasure for submissives:the fifth is pleasure from being useful (this strokes their
ego and alleviates feelings of insecurity and inferiority), the sixth is pleasure from surrender and relaxation (they can
relax because they don't have to make any decisions, this removes stress), and finally the seventh is pleasure from pain,
because pain itself causes the body to release endorphins which cause euphoria and relaxation.
As you have seen, being a submissive is not illogical at all! There are SEVEN DIFFERENT TYPES OF PLEASURE
that submissives derive from their submission.
I hope this will cause many submissives to accept their nature more easily.
The end.
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So what are your comments? How much do you agree? What are good points of this theory? What are weak points?
< Message edited by SocratesNot -- 5/26/2010 9:33:59 AM >
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An interesting theory of D/s (my own) - 
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