anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (Full Version)

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gungadin09 -> anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/29/2010 4:10:05 PM)

i go through these "phases" of submission. When i feel worthless and miserable, i get really turned on. A year ago i had this job where everyone treated me like shit. It would be wet all day long, and then i would go home and mastrubate. The meaner they were, the hornier i felt. It got to the point where it was interfering with my life. It was making me slightly crazy. Being treated that badly was almost hypnotic. It was like being in a trance. i felt like i was actually living the life of a slave. There was a customer that came in every day just to gawk at me and act like a jerk just to see my reaction. i think he figured out i was submissive even before i did. I fell in love with him. Then he told all his friends, so they could come in and gawk at me too. It was like being on display, like at the zoo, or something. Eventually, i got so angry that i quit, but in the meantime it made me really horny.

My question is this: i haven't felt horny since this happened. i have a hard time feeling submissive, and i think it's because i'm happy now. i have a good job. Everybody's really nice. My job is boring, but satisfying, and i'm paid well. Nobody is yelling at me or treating me like shit. i'm living in a place where i feel safe and respected. i actually have self esteem. But i don't feel submissive. Does anyone else have this problem? Do you feel that you have to be miserable in order to be submissive/horny?
pam



smartsub10 -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/29/2010 4:26:05 PM)

For me it's the exact opposite.  I'm in a job now that puts a lot of pressure on me to perform and is very stressful.   That tends to drive me to be more assertive and aggressive so that I do not lose control of my emotions at work and attempt to delegate the work - often to uncooperative subordinates. 
I am seeking a Dom and it's a struggle to compartmentalize those work related aggressive feelings in my communications with men who contact me.  I recently met someone whom I really like and we will be getting together again next week.  I am considering taking the day off that we meet so that I can be in the right mindset for him!



Phoenixpower -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/29/2010 4:29:05 PM)

Nope...feeling miserable does not make me submissive...the "right" kind of guy...makes me submissive...nothing else [8|]



laurell3 -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/29/2010 4:31:56 PM)

No. In a way I do understand what you are saying though. In the beginning I think I was similar. I used bdsm as a release when I felt badly. however, that's not necessarily submission imo and when I came to terms with trying to stop avoiding being what I was and got healthier I realized that the submission was still very much there, despite the not "feeling like shit" and that type of cycle ended.

Now, if I have had a bad day or made a mistake that I'm ruminating over, having the opportunity to let it go and surrender can be very cathartic, but I view and accept submission as how I am and how I react and relate to a partner, my feelings of submission are triggered by him and his presence and desires, not my libido (although certainly my craving for bdsm can be greater because of that).

I don't know you though or know what is right for you. I just think the necessity to "feel like shit" possibly suggests it is only cathartic for you and it's possible it may never be more.



lally2 -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/29/2010 4:39:27 PM)

those people humiliated you, made you feel sub and you got horny -

the feeling miserable bit - could that possibly have been because you were lonely, because they were being horrible.  you got horny because of the public humiliation and youre feelings of submission.  feeling miserable was just part of it, but not all of it.

i think you need to find youreself a guy.  drop the 'miserable' idea - its not a runner - and i dont think you can honestly say that youre only sub when youre miserable, until youve actually submitted to a guy and felt how that feels.

right now youre having a stress free time, lifes good, the summers here (depending on where in the world you are of course) youve got money in youre pocket and youre fulfilled and content.  submission isnt an emotion you pluck out of the air depending on the mood of the day, its a response, reaction to someone who is Dominant to you. 

youre not feeling submissive because theres noone in youre life drawing that out of you.  im not submissive unless im in submission to a man, the rest of the time im just me.



porcelaine -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/29/2010 4:56:29 PM)

gungadin09,

quote:

A year ago i had this job where everyone treated me like shit. It would be wet all day long, and then i would go home and mastrubate. The meaner they were, the hornier i felt. It got to the point where it was interfering with my life. It was making me slightly crazy.


I can see how getting horny at non negotiated mistreatment from co-workers might create a few issues.

quote:

Being treated that badly was almost hypnotic. It was like being in a trance. i felt like i was actually living the life of a slave.


I've never experienced the same. But I have encountered themes along this line in erotic pieces. For most of us slavery doesn't unfold in the manner described. But exceptions exist.

quote:

There was a customer that came in every day just to gawk at me and act like a jerk just to see my reaction. i think he figured out i was submissive even before i did. I fell in love with him.


Did you think he would make an ideal partner or dominant? For what it's worth I'd wonder why he had time to stop in everyday. Unless you were working at a business that served food or Starbucks. Otherwise it would be a tad bit odd.

quote:

Then he told all his friends, so they could come in and gawk at me too.


Not surprising. I'd expect they were probably a little like him. If you know what I mean.

quote:

It was like being on display, like at the zoo, or something.


You should have charged an entrance fee.

quote:

But i don't feel submissive. Does anyone else have this problem? Do you feel that you have to be miserable in order to be submissive/horny?


No I don't. But it seems that you associate your submission with persons and activities that humiliate and degrade. Which is fine. You'll simply need a partner that can instigate those things and give you the mistreatment you crave. I wouldn't expect relative strangers or work associates to meet that need. Best of luck. :)

~porcelaine



sunshinemiss -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/29/2010 5:45:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

i go through these "phases" of submission. When i feel worthless and miserable, i get really turned on. A year ago i had this job where everyone treated me like shit. It would be wet all day long, and then i would go home and mastrubate. The meaner they were, the hornier i felt. It got to the point where it was interfering with my life. It was making me slightly crazy. Being treated that badly was almost hypnotic. It was like being in a trance. i felt like i was actually living the life of a slave. There was a customer that came in every day just to gawk at me and act like a jerk just to see my reaction. i think he figured out i was submissive even before i did. I fell in love with him. Then he told all his friends, so they could come in and gawk at me too. It was like being on display, like at the zoo, or something. Eventually, i got so angry that i quit, but in the meantime it made me really horny.

My question is this: i haven't felt horny since this happened. i have a hard time feeling submissive, and i think it's because i'm happy now. i have a good job. Everybody's really nice. My job is boring, but satisfying, and i'm paid well. Nobody is yelling at me or treating me like shit. i'm living in a place where i feel safe and respected. i actually have self esteem. But i don't feel submissive. Does anyone else have this problem? Do you feel that you have to be miserable in order to be submissive/horny?
pam



I have a different esplanation for you, Pam. I wonder if you were not feeling submissive but instead choosing to "disappear" to handle the ugliness. Then at home, you found some relief (like taking a hit of heroine).

There is a difference between dominated and being verbally abused.

Perhaps you might want to seek some counseling. At the very least, you may want to consider pairing your sexualized feelings with something more positive.

good luck,
sunshine

*eta: I don't have a judgment about what you are doing. I am concerned though that you were dependent on strangers, people at work to fulfill this ache in you. It is also an issue because it affected your life. Living in a trance as you say sounds an awful lot like "shutting out" something ugly.

If you are able to find someone who can do what you need (and not *harm* you), good on you. However, you sound pretty lost and desperate. That is why I am suggesting therapy.



Missokyst -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/29/2010 7:15:43 PM)

Baring getting therapy, which I think depends on how you translate this behavior and whether or not you were ok with it, I suggest a job at walmart.



SocratesNot -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/29/2010 11:30:27 PM)

quote:


But it seems that you associate your submission with persons and activities that humiliate and degrade. Which is fine. You'll simply need a partner that can instigate those things and give you the mistreatment you crave.


Bullshit! Don't listen to her. While humiliation and pain is OK in some sort of play, you should by all means avoid people who want to degrade you or mistreat you.

However, I completely agree with sunshine's advice:

quote:

I have a different esplanation for you, Pam. I wonder if you were not feeling submissive but instead choosing to "disappear" to handle the ugliness. Then at home, you found some relief (like taking a hit of heroine).

There is a difference between dominated and being verbally abused.

Perhaps you might want to seek some counseling. At the very least, you may want to consider pairing your sexualized feelings with something more positive.

good luck,
sunshine

*eta: I don't have a judgment about what you are doing. I am concerned though that you were dependent on strangers, people at work to fulfill this ache in you. It is also an issue because it affected your life. Living in a trance as you say sounds an awful lot like "shutting out" something ugly.

If you are able to find someone who can do what you need (and not *harm* you), good on you. However, you sound pretty lost and desperate. That is why I am suggesting therapy.


All that sunshinemiss said is true. This is exactly what you should do - You should try to associate being horny and other sexual feelings with positive experiences.
If you can't do it on your own, maybe some counseling or therapy can help you.




taken2010 -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/29/2010 11:31:01 PM)

I will agree with smartsub. When I was in a job that was very demanding I found I craved to be submissive. It looks like you are in the greater Sacramento region and there are lots
of munches available and it might help to get out and mingle.



catize -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/30/2010 6:58:13 AM)


Misery does not make me feel submissive, it makes me feel..........miserable!
There are times, however, when I am required to do things I would choose not to do on my own. I can, in those circumstances, find satisfaction in the knowledge that I am doing his will. But daily without my consent? Nope, couldn't and wouldn't tolerate it.



kiwisub12 -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/30/2010 7:09:42 AM)

Dang, OP, i would hate to think that i am only happy when i'm miserable!?!?!?!?!



porcelaine -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/30/2010 7:49:18 AM)

SocratesNot,

quote:

Bullshit! Don't listen to her. While humiliation and pain is OK in some sort of play, you should by all means avoid people who want to degrade you or mistreat you.


You're being melodramatic. My suggestion was for her to find those things with a partner rather than persons that have no desire to participate.

While you are free to state your opinion. You have never owned. Never been enslaved. Nor been the instrument of humiliation or degradation or on the receiving end. Your understanding of all things BDSM are relegated to text.

~porcelaine



Jeffff -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/30/2010 7:51:25 AM)

Mistreatment, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.



SocratesNot -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/30/2010 8:01:34 AM)

quote:

You're being melodramatic. My suggestion was for her to find those things with a partner rather than persons that have no desire to participate.

While you are free to state your opinion. You have never owned. Never been enslaved. Nor been the instrument of humiliation or degradation or on the receiving end. Your understanding of all things BDSM are relegated to text.

~porcelaine


Porcelaine, your advice to her is only valid if she has the same personality as you do.
Since she clearly stated that now she feels OK, and has a happy life, and doesn't feel submissive, why are you forcing your own views to her?
Maybe for her it's perfectly OK not to feel submissive. And maybe she can find ways to get sexually turned on by other things, not just submission.
And even if she finds a partner for D/s it should be someone who will respect her, love her, and treat her well.
If he includes humiliation and degradation in some scenes, then it is OK. They will have good time together.
But if he genuinely mistreats her, has no respect for her and does not care about her, then it's gonna be very bad and abusive relationship.

I will repeat my and sunshine's advice:
quote:

You should try to associate being horny and other sexual feelings with positive experiences.
If you can't do it on your own, maybe some counseling or therapy can help you.



LillyoftheVally -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/30/2010 8:03:03 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09
i have a hard time feeling submissive, and i think it's because i'm happy now. i have a good job. Everybody's really nice.



Pam,

I can relate to this a little, more about being single though, I have found that when I am miserable in my life I am less keen to be single, I get this melodramatic idea that I need someone else to make me feel better, sometimes even worse I get the idea that I simply can't survive on my own and I need someone to support me, it is normally pretty fleeting and isn't related to my submission at all. I can't submit unless I feel happy in myself, if I feel depressed I avoid it like the plague.



UniqueRaven -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/30/2010 8:26:41 AM)

i've discussed in my blog before the difference between submission for attachment vs. submission for detachment.

i often see women submitting for detachment - i used to do this myself.  It is a condition where she is submitting in order to be "taken away" from something she can't deal with, or to reinforce negative feelings about herself.  It's a similar condition to why women sometimes overeat, or choose to give themself up easily for multiple sex partners - she wants to escape somehow. 

Submission for attachment, on the other hand, is about building effective and positive relationships with others - primarily the Dominant person or people involved, but also with friends and associates and acquaintances in the community.  It is about her owning her submission, and using it as a positive life experience tool that enables her to give of herself in a way that is healthy for her .  It is about being built up as submissive, vs. being torn down - and even though "being torn down" via humiliation, etc., might be part of the process, it actually becomes a healthy part of the process - because she emerges rebuilt, and closer to those she loves/cares about and much more self-aware.

i think a good number of women on CM (the "dating" side, not so much the boards) are actually seeking submission for detachment - they are seeking an escape.   Unfortunately this just turns into a vicious cycle of unfulfilled disappointment, because no one on this planet can truly help you escape from yourself in a healthy way - at some point the mental jump has to be made to own the process on your own and figure out that no one can "fix" you - but you.

One of my most favorite quotes about submission (author unknown) is about this methodology of attachment: 

"The most dedicated and enduring submissives and slaves are the ones who approach their submission as a healthy furthering of their own self-exploration and personal development, and who remain in touch with, aware of, and maintain responsibility for their own mind-space and the thoughts that happen there (including any choices made that are based upon those thoughts)."

This is submission for attachment - and it is a much healthier, and more enduring methodology for functioning as a submissive in a D/s relationship.

[edited for clarity]



porcelaine -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/30/2010 10:37:00 AM)

SocratesNot,

quote:

Porcelaine, your advice to her is only valid if she has the same personality as you do.


Let me clear a few things up for you where I'm concerned. First of all, I didn't pose the question. Read that sentence very slowly. Rinse and repeat. Therefore, since the other person posted it they're seeking outside input on their issue.

quote:

Since she clearly stated that now she feels OK, and has a happy life, and doesn't feel submissive, why are you forcing your own views to her?


You are logical to the point of being insanely illogical. Why on earth would it matter if she listens to me or not? Do you sincerely believe that everyone that shares an opinion is clamoring for someone to follow them or validate their thoughts? Maybe you need that but I surely don't and if I did I wouldn't seek it in a forum.

quote:

Maybe for her it's perfectly OK not to feel submissive. And maybe she can find ways to get sexually turned on by other things, not just submission.


And maybe she can and maybe she can't. And maybe neither one of us knows all the details either.

quote:

And even if she finds a partner for D/s it should be someone who will respect her, love her, and treat her well.
If he includes humiliation and degradation in some scenes, then it is OK. They will have good time together.
But if he genuinely mistreats her, has no respect for her and does not care about her, then it's gonna be very bad and abusive relationship.


Maybe if you spent more energy living the things you invest energy in arguing about you'd feel less inclined to tell everyone what they're doing wrong.

~porcelaine



laurell3 -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/30/2010 12:04:49 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

i've discussed in my blog before the difference between submission for attachment vs. submission for detachment.

i often see women submitting for detachment - i used to do this myself.  It is a condition where she is submitting in order to be "taken away" from something she can't deal with, or to reinforce negative feelings about herself.  It's a similar condition to why women sometimes overeat, or choose to give themself up easily for multiple sex partners - she wants to escape somehow. 

Submission for attachment, on the other hand, is about building effective and positive relationships with others - primarily the Dominant person or people involved, but also with friends and associates and acquaintances in the community.  It is about her owning her submission, and using it as a positive life experience tool that enables her to give of herself in a way that is healthy for her .  It is about being built up as submissive, vs. being torn down - and even though "being torn down" via humiliation, etc., might be part of the process, it actually becomes a healthy part of the process - because she emerges rebuilt, and closer to those she loves/cares about and much more self-aware.

i think a good number of women on CM (the "dating" side, not so much the boards) are actually seeking submission for detachment - they are seeking an escape.   Unfortunately this just turns into a vicious cycle of unfulfilled disappointment, because no one on this planet can truly help you escape from yourself in a healthy way - at some point the mental jump has to be made to own the process on your own and figure out that no one can "fix" you - but you.

One of my most favorite quotes about submission (author unknown) is about this methodology of attachment: 

"The most dedicated and enduring submissives and slaves are the ones who approach their submission as a healthy furthering of their own self-exploration and personal development, and who remain in touch with, aware of, and maintain responsibility for their own mind-space and the thoughts that happen there (including any choices made that are based upon those thoughts)."

This is submission for attachment - and it is a much healthier, and more enduring methodology for functioning as a submissive in a D/s relationship.

[edited for clarity]


UniqueRaven,

That is a fantastic way of putting what I was trying to say earlier and I agree. Thank you.



UniqueRaven -> RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable? (5/30/2010 12:34:56 PM)

Thank you, i'm glad you enjoyed it.  [:)]



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