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Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 5/31/2010 11:11:45 AM

slappynoob

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/31/2010
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

First, I don't know who the tech person is, but I could get this section where I'm typing right now to work in Firefox 3.6.3. Just thought I'd mention it.

Anyhow . . .

I'm a total dweeb noob to all this scene. Except for a couple girlfriends who played a bit hard (mostly nipple torturing me with clamps and hands), I have no experience.

How do you go about introducing yourself to folks in this scene without coming off as a complete imbecile just trolling for sex?

Also, how do offer up the fact that you're not quite sure what you're comfortable with? Seems like most of the profiles are people who know very clearly what they want.

Any thoughts would be welcome.

Post #: 1

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 5/31/2010 12:25:32 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Hi there!

The first thing you need to do is to Google "BDSM Pennsylvania" and find out what groups are in your area. Go and attend and meet people. Go to play parties and see what kinds of play you like and which are "HELL, no!".

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to slappynoob)

Post #: 2

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 5/31/2010 12:33:41 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

Hi and welcome to the CM forums.

Even though your profile indicates you're primarily dominant, I'm going to direct you to the Ask A Mistress forum FAQ (http://www.collarchat.com/m_3057130/tm.htm). Despite being geared toward a F/m dynamic, there are some helpful hints for crafting your profile and introductory email, answers to some basic questions that crop up a lot, and some information regarding general netiquette that I think you'll find useful.

In general, approach kinky people the way you'd like to be approached if you were sitting at a table in your local pub. Be polite, be interested in the person, have something interesting to say. Remember, we're all people before we're anything else. Take your time, be honest about where you are in your journey of self-exploration, and have fun. These boards are a great place to get to know people, and let them get to know you.

Enjoy your stay.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to slappynoob)

Post #: 3

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 5/31/2010 2:20:43 PM

ChampagneMojito

Posts: 77
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: UK
Status: offline

Great advice from both previous posters.

These boards are a brilliant resource - full of wise, lovely, approachable people who live this life, not just the fantasy. Read the boards, post comments when you have something to say, ask polite questions. Let people see who you are. I like that you're open about your newness - when I was unattached, I was far more attracted to those who were honest about their inexperience than those who tried to bluff that they were incredibly experienced. In fact, my slave/fiance was a complete novice when I met him - it made breaking him in so much fun.... I digress.

Good luck and have fun. Remember, if something doesn't sound sane or safe, it probably isn't. Feel free to drop myself or my boy a line anytime you like.

E x

_____________________________

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ~Anaïs Nin

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 4

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 5/31/2010 2:28:12 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Hi and welcome

Honestly I've not been doing this for very long and I learned a lot by hanging out here on the boards and reading and then by trying it all out in real life a little at a time. I was honest when I introduced myself to others and said I had an interest in this type of thing and wanted to learn more, that I wasn't sure yet what I wanted. It worked out fine.

(in reply to slappynoob)

Post #: 5

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 5/31/2010 2:59:55 PM

slappynoob

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/31/2010
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChampagneMojito

than those who tried to bluff that they were incredibly experienced

Doesn't seem like a lie that would hold up for very long.

Great responses. I hadn't thought much about Googling to find real world meets with folks. I've been programmed so badly rural conservative for so long that the idea would openly meet and discuss any of this didn't seem very realistic.

Keep 'em coming if you folks have more advice.

(in reply to ChampagneMojito)

Post #: 6

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 5/31/2010 3:44:05 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slappynoob

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChampagneMojito

than those who tried to bluff that they were incredibly experienced

Doesn't seem like a lie that would hold up for very long.

Great responses. I hadn't thought much about Googling to find real world meets with folks. I've been programmed so badly rural conservative for so long that the idea would openly meet and discuss any of this didn't seem very realistic.

Keep 'em coming if you folks have more advice.

oh dont be put off with meeting people at youre local gatherings - it can get a bit lonely and isolating sitting behind a screen and after a while youll want to go out and experiment with youre new found confidence anyway.

but like lizi and others said - these boards are a great resource - we can be a bit 'playful'

at times, but really we're very nice and its a good way to clear up any misgivings, confusions or worries etc.,

oh and dont forget that everyone started of at first base knowing zippo - have fun

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to slappynoob)

Post #: 7

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 5/31/2010 5:28:11 PM

valrav

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/27/2010
Status: offline

I'm in the same situation bud. But nobody is into the scene where I'm at. And the job is too good to relocate.

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 8

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 5/31/2010 7:08:33 PM

BittenKitten

Posts: 123
Joined: 5/19/2010
Status: offline

hiya! welcome to cm. :)

(in reply to valrav)

Post #: 9

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 5/31/2010 10:21:50 PM

slappynoob

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/31/2010
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2
after a while youll want to go out and experiment with youre new found confidence anyway.

That's what's hard for me. It seems like this whole scene is a lot quicker than anything I've tried before. The idea that I should just go out and experiment is a bit foreign to me.

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 10

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 6/1/2010 6:52:39 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slappynoob

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2
after a while youll want to go out and experiment with youre new found confidence anyway.

That's what's hard for me. It seems like this whole scene is a lot quicker than anything I've tried before. The idea that I should just go out and experiment is a bit foreign to me.

If the scene seems quick, then slow it down to suit the pace you are comfortable with.

Relax, learn as much as you can on the forums, and have fun

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
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GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to slappynoob)

Post #: 11

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 6/1/2010 9:05:02 AM

slappynoob

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/31/2010
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly
If the scene seems quick, then slow it down to suit the pace you are comfortable with.

Relax, learn as much as you can on the forums, and have fun

I'm worried that if I don't start exploring I'll just keep doing the same crap the rest of my life until a I died. I'll just live feeling like I never had real sex, because I spent every relationship afraid of being myself.

And I'm scared that letting go will lead to things that fall under the heading of "things you can't unsee". Just to be clear, I'm scary big. NFL big. My thighs are thicker than most people's bodies and my arms are thicker than most people's heads. I've spent my whole life dialing it down so I don't scare people.

At some point you've gotta fish or cut bait, right?

It's a slight bit OT, but I have started messaging a sub who seems comfortable with helping a dom develop. She's older than me. (OMFG! My first fetish returns: older women!) I am a little bit worried that she views me as fresh clay to be molded into the hardass dom she's always wanted. I'm a little worried that she's a bit too hardcore. But, I have to admit I am turned on by the idea of a woman whose threshold is far higher than mine. People on several sites have told me you wouldn't believe what you'll actually do once you find a partner that you trust and completely sync with.

To be dead honest: I feel like this a block I'll only get over by doing it. It's like swimming in the deep end of the pool. One day it seems like certain death, the next day you're doing cannonballs off the diving board.

I don't know. Is it like that?

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 12

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 6/1/2010 9:49:57 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slappynoob

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly
If the scene seems quick, then slow it down to suit the pace you are comfortable with.

Relax, learn as much as you can on the forums, and have fun

I'm worried that if I don't start exploring I'll just keep doing the same crap the rest of my life until a I died. I'll just live feeling like I never had real sex, because I spent every relationship afraid of being myself.

By all means, start exploring...and you are on a great site to do so. But i really suggest you try to stop feeling so frantic and take it at a pace that is comfortable for you.
And try not to discount the past, as it is what brought you to where you are right now.

quote:

And I'm scared that letting go will lead to things that fall under the heading of "things you can't unsee".

This is why you take it slow and do not allow yourself to lose control. Ever. You cannot always control a situation, but you can control yourself.

quote:

Just to be clear, I'm scary big. NFL big. My thighs are thicker than most people's bodies and my arms are thicker than most people's heads. I've spent my whole life dialing it down so I don't scare people.

You are 6'2 and 290. Where as you are a large man, i would hardly call you frightening.
Stop "dialing it down" because it doesn't work. Present yourself in the best manner possible, hold your head high, and walk with pride. If that frightens people...it is their issue, not yours.

quote:

At some point you've gotta fish or cut bait, right?

Oh tanks. Many here shrimply loves fish puns and once they start, it is not possible to reel them in. Personally, they give me a haddock but i do join in just for the halibut.

quote:

It's a slight bit OT, but I have started messaging a sub who seems comfortable with helping a dom develop. She's older than me. (OMFG! My first fetish returns: older women!) I am a little bit worried that she views me as fresh clay to be molded into the hardass dom she's always wanted.

Again...this is where you go very slowly. Do you actually want to be molded into what she wants? I doubt you do. My guess is you want to be comfortable with who you already are, and that will take time. So SHE wants a hardass? Cool, let her find one. You are not ready for that in any way. Going into a scene and attempting to be what you are not (or at least what you are not ready to put into practice) will not end well. Trust me..it won't.

quote:

I'm a little worried that she's a bit too hardcore.

Listen to your worries...they will guide you well.

quote:

But, I have to admit I am turned on by the idea of a woman whose threshold is far higher than mine.

Yeah? I think you would be a nervous wreck worrying about pleasing her without hurting her. This needs to be enjoyable for you as well. Perhaps negotiate with her that YOU will set the pace and tone and then use self-control to stay within your comfort level.

quote:

People on several sites have told me you wouldn't believe what you'll actually do once you find a partner that you trust and completely sync with.

They are absolutely correct..it is amazing! But...trust and synchronicity take time.

quote:

To be dead honest: I feel like this a block I'll only get over by doing it

Now come on...a wall is a block, and the only way to get over it is by climbing it, agreed? Would you actually scale the wall and heave over the top without knowing what was on the other side? My guess is you would at first assess, trying to learn all you could about what is over there. Then you would begin a slow, cautious climb, making sure your footing is secure before taking the next step. Once at the top, you would again stop and assess before taking the plunge.

What ever you do, i wish you an awesome journey!

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to slappynoob)

Post #: 13

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 6/1/2010 10:02:07 AM

slappynoob

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/31/2010
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Well, I know this much. Anyone I consider being "my first" will need to sit down and hash things out. Some of my impetuousness I suspect is old fashioned male bravado.

We're talking about meeting in a public place in a couple weeks. Gauge each other. Go from there. Does that sound too fast?

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 14

RE: Completely new to all this, have a few questions - 6/1/2010 10:22:41 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slappynoob

Well, I know this much. Anyone I consider being "my first" will need to sit down and hash things out. Some of my impetuousness I suspect is old fashioned male bravado.

We're talking about meeting in a public place in a couple weeks. Gauge each other. Go from there. Does that sound too fast?

Not to me, especially since you are going to talk in depth.
Many here (myself included) never play on the first date (boy am i lying on that one, but never mind!) and it is totally acceptable to do so.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to slappynoob)

Post #: 15

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