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CallaFirestormBW -> RE: When emotions get in the way. (6/3/2010 10:53:05 AM)
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quote:
The thing is, though... this has happened before. Three other times. Making this the fourth. And I feel awful because my feelings for them have never developed into romantic feelings, and the fact that theirs HAVE makes me wonder if this is a common occurrence between casual play-partners/friends who play together often? Is it something about the BDSM activities specifically that inspire these kinds of feelings in people? Or just a simple matter of closeness, proximity, trust and intimacy in general? Or... general sweeping state... is it perhaps a gender thing? I am less inclined to believe this, but thought I would bring it up, anyway. The four people I mentioned have all been women.
So, I would be really grateful to hear people's opinions. Or if anybody has been through something similar... from either end of the emotional scale, I'd like to hear how you handled it, or how it affected you or your play or your friendship.
You don't mention which end of the kneel you fall on, but I've had similar experiences, as I tend to have play-partners with whom I participate in some of the activities which don't necessarily fit into our Household's "requirements" but which I enjoy quite a bit (particularly needle, ink, and cutting play). All of them have become dear friends over time. I've noticed that, as I've worked for extended periods of time with submissive play partners, they've come to yield up more and more of themselves to me -- to the point where their attentions and commitment registered in their own minds as 'romantic interest'. Unfortunately, maintaining a romantic relationship with me also entails maintaining a commitment to the others to whom I am committed by concatenative assembly. For most of them, this is unacceptable, as their preference in 'long-term committed partners' is monogamous in nature. For these individuals, we've also found that attempting to retain the limited-scale play that we did was too difficult for them, as they became more and more deeply entrenched with me, some to the point of even offering to set aside their deeply held beliefs about monogamy to enter into the House. Early in my time as Keeper, I actually did try this twice, believing the individuals when they said that being with me was more important than their deeply held beliefs about monogamous relationships.. however, both situations ended most unsatisfactorily for everyone involved, and after this many years, I would not even consider such a proposition.
On the up side of this, it has opened up the possibility of exploring my interests with a number of individuals over time, and has kept this kind of play as an ever-exciting, ever-varied experience... and as an intensity freak, I find the repeated re-escalation of experiences, complete with the New Relationship Energy that comes out of sharing these experiences with new partners, exhilarating.
On the down side, it's very difficult to acknowledge that a relationship has gone as far as it can. Especially in our culture, it is considered "wrong" to contemplate endings and to find them an acceptable part of the cycle of a relationship. While I've found that I and my play-friends have had a relatively easy time in ending our play relationship while maintaining our friendship, it -has- required discussion, from the very beginning, about what grounds would constitute the need to stop playing and end that aspect of our relating to one another. It has also required being completely honest with each other about where we stand emotionally, and acknowledging when we're sitting on that "tipping point".
I don't think there's anything "wrong" with what you've gone through -- admittedly, it is difficult, but as long as you're honest and above board, and the other person is as well, then having to end a play relationship when the intensity leads in a direction that both parties aren't comfortable with isn't -wrong-... it is sensible.
Calla
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