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CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: Living life without a 24/7 relationship (6/4/2010 4:57:38 PM)
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ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4
Being on your own should be a good thing, right? Gives one time to explore themself, recoup or whatever else. I've been involved with somebody LD for awhile now. This year I finally went and have seen her three times now. Which is a good thing.
Yes, it can be a good thing. Years I spent by myself were okay, but...the loneliest times I spent in my life were when I was with someone else. One relationship was local, but we both had two full time jobs and I also left all the deciding up to him (no, he wasn't married or with someone else), but he chose to see me only once every 2 or 3 weeks. At one job, our shifts overlapped and we saw each other almost every day and had to act like we barely knew each other or risk getting fired. That "being together, but not quite TOGETHER" feeling is lonely as H***. With all the things going on in your life, part of you might need her physical presence to help get through this.
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This might sound rather ironic, but when I'm involved with somebody 24/7, when I'm in a situation where I'm doing more, I seem to be more organized driven and structured in many things. Some of these things, to be honest, I'm a little dumb founded why I have slacked off some. Like for tonight for instance. I'm wide awake and can't sleep. There's nobody to miss me being in bed or not. In fact, when I do go to bed all that is there to greet me are my pillows and blankets.
Those last two sentences clearly spell out that you're feeling lonely. When I'm with someone, I've got more power that has a ripple effect that spreads out and affects all parts of my life. I don't need something like caffiene. With me, it doesn't take more than daily online or telephone contact, and enjoying that person's r/t company whenever possible even if it's only once per month or two, to have this energy boost and "feel more organized and driven." In my opinion, you need to get your daily contact back on track, if doing so would help.
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I'm sitting here sort of wondering what direction my LD relationship is going to take. The kind of stuff that nobody has any answers for on the message board here anyways.
Some people are worth knowing...at almost any cost to self. She might be one of these people. On the other hand, wouldn't some basic animal side of one's nature be upset if after SEVEN LONG YEARS, you haven't managed to have your mate literally by your side? Your inner beast must be a lot more patient than mine.
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There's been a lot of things going on this last month that have been crazy. My father passed away, and there's this sense of mortality of life. I'm sitting and wondering about what kind of legacy I'm going to leave behind me if any when I myself pass away. Perhaps, very little to nothing.
I am sorry to hear about your father. People I have been very close to have died over the years, and the first few without them are the hardest...especially those unexpected sad anniversaries that keep cropping up. The first Christmas afterward, their birthdays, Memorial Day, etc. I was really knocked on my arse this Memorial Day weekend, and for the past two Christmases (my friend died on Dec. 24th, two of them ago, and my favorite aunt died this January). January was bad for me before, because that's when my friend, Carin, was diagnosed with Lymphoma, and now January is like hearing some terrible bell tolling in the distance. I know from past experience it will take me a few years to feel differently, and in the meantime I have to force happiness into these bad times to keep my balance. I watch comedies instead of dramas, etc. Some things are very sore points with me, that bring everything back and are so hurtful. Anything to do with young soldiers, PTSD, suicides, or death by hanging might give you sleepless nights for a few years. Please find some support for this, there have to be some grief support groups in your area. One of our friends, many years back when my son was just a toddler, killed herself around Christmas time. Mom and I grieved and blamed ourselves for somehow not knowing this would happen and somehow preventing this, and it was so hard to stop second guessing everything to death and taking blame. The problem with being a survivor is that you live long enough to watch friends and family die. We need the presence of loved ones to get through this, as well as having time to ourselves. About legacies...if this bothers you, then think up something and do it. When I faced death, I worried about who would finish raising my son and watch over him instead of putting him into some group home. Everything else I had to let go of because most legacies are things...that won't even be remembered a thousand years from now. Trying to leave some legacy behind after I was gone...only tied my gut up in knots until I learned to let go. Life is for the living, and those who pass on before us are now memories that we can still love, honor, and try to live up to.
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Children tend to be our legacy in a sense, the time spent with them, cultivating and teaching and encouraging them to grow and etc.. In a few more weeks, it will have been a year, since the oldest boy from that relationship, hung himself, He had enlisted before he got out of high school and went off to fight the war in Iraq. Needless to say he went off, but when he came back, part of him never came back. Something aweful involving the death of kids happened in something he was involved with and it messed him up literally. Now he's gone. This is most difficult for me at times, because of having put so much of myself into him. Then again, this is what us adults are supposed to do with children.
That poor boy. I'm sorry about your grief, your loss. This is the first anniversary of his death that you have to get through. When he died, a part of you died with him, the part you had invested in him for all these years. Life has a ripple effect...what you invested of yourself into him was passed on to other people he knew as he grew up. You will probably never know if something you said or did saved someone's life or helped them to change the direction of their life...for the better. Each of us leaves a legacy on other people's lives that we're often not even aware of. Knowing this doesn't help much through these "sad anniversaries"...so go do something. Put flowers on his grave and have a talk with him there, phone his mother and both of you grieve together, and if you can, talk with his siblings. All of you share the same grief.
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I'm really not certain what the topic of this thread should be about, it's all sort of connected to a sense of legacy, purpose and 24/7 relationship stuff. Perhaps this is about things I'm rather uncertain about. Directions and what is ahead of me for the rest of my own breathing days on the face of this earth.
A lot of threads at this site are not about BDSM...though the soldier boy might have been helped if he had been kinky and tied up by someone who made him talk about everything, and punish him physically until he felt purged and at peace with himself. This, as well as forcing him to join some kind of support group or therapy. This is just my own twisted opinion, because sometimes talking about things doesn't quite purge all the ugly. Sometimes we need a sounding board...even if people like me might come up with the most asinine "solutions" sometimes, others say things that are helpful. I would be so bored here if people locked away all other aspects of their lives and opinions except for the ones that directly involved BDSM.
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I've been pretty rock solid and not falling apart over things, my life has not ground to some hault. This is sort of depressing, but I'm not laying in bed depressed, and I enjoy things. I'm a little puzzled as to why I'm not curled up in a closest somewhere drawing on the walls with purple crayons right about now.
My inner child loves closets and purple crayons <grins>, but there are times in life when we get through it by enduring it one step at a time. Sometimes, blessed numbness helps me get through things, while at others I might be happy and sad all at the same time, when I feel I should be sad and kinda guilty to also feel happy. Take Memorial Day weekend for example. I missed intensely the ones who had died, but...there was also a fair in town and I had fun and watched fireworks. I kept thinking of Carin at odd moments while at the fair, especially during the fireworks.
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I know none of this has a damn thing to do with BDSM or kink even, so I'm posting this in the "off topic" area. My cat is rubbing up against my feet now, I suppose I could sit here and talk to my cat expressing the same shit. But Nah... that just ain't gonna cut it. I should be in bed sleeping, but ummm.. what for at the moment. I don't have to work until the afternoon tomorrow anyways, so yeah does not really matter if I stay up late or not.
You did right. The Mods didn't have to move your thread to a different area of the message boards. [;)] Cats can be funny creatures...whenever I'm upset mine pile up on my lap demanding to be petted for what seems like hours, and sometimes this makes me feel better. I have 6, and one of them is a huge black male who weighs a ton (so okay, 16 lbs when I got him, lol). At other times, when I have insomnia, I wander around through the message boards reading until my eyes get bleary and I'm almost falling to sleep.
I've enjoyed reading your comments in other threads, you are very patient with other people and kind.
I've made yet another "epic post," but I did limit myself to responding only to the OP's opening post. [:D] Some people won't touch posts this long with a ten foot pole.
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