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allthatjaz -> RE: Doms/Masters who were actually abusers (6/4/2010 1:19:09 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sexyred1
To the OP: of course this happens in vanilla and in D/s relationships. I was with someone for a very long time that I loved who changed during the course of the relationship. As he grew more secure in his interest in BDSM, he became less able to control his anger, which was better hidden before he felt able to express it as a Top. (I was his first sub).
The problem was his slowly changing nature and the confusion it caused me to be happy with our roles within our D/s relationship, yet the more I recognized that he was becoming abusive in and out of the bedroom, the more I knew I had to get out. And I finally did, but not without some real soul searching as to why I stayed so long.
How I knew he was becoming abusive was his inability to stop when I said no, his increased sadism and his utter lack of concern as to my feelings and well being physically. All this while he kept telling me how much he loved me. It was obvious but I kept hoping it would change, and it did not.
So, yes it goes on and it will NEVER happen again to me.
Reading on from the ops question, this was the post that jumped out at me.
Most abusers within vanilla relationships have anger issues. They may drink too much and become violent and disrespectful under the influence of alcohol. They may have an inferiority complex or a general disregard for women. They take out their shit on the person they are closest to and that is often a wife or lover but they usually don't like that dark and uncontrollable part of them. Its often none sexual. They are usually sorry after and when under pressure, they often seek help.
What I read in the above post was something slightly different from the general woman abuser. A man who gets off sexually on none consensual abuse, is a dangerous man within this lifestyle. A man who is so intent on carrying out his dark sexual fantasies by making a woman suffer in his hands with no regard for her welfare or enjoyment, is the sort of abuser that is far more likely to take a dominant route to find what he needs.
If the abuse is of a sexual nature, he/she is more likely to google certain words that would bring him to places like this. If its not sexual (and more often than not it isn't) then he is less likely to come looking for something within this lifestyle. The sorded fantasy has to be there in the first place.
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