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changing life? - 6/5/2010 4:33:28 PM

sirgrumpy

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/18/2010
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right now I am in a point where I live my entire existence as a sub. From my work,family life,everything iyou can think of. Over time my woman started mentioning this lifestyle and I didn't really understand it so at the time I wasn't really willing to try it.as time has gone by and I have tried to learn more I have gotten really interested in it.my problem is that I have been viewed in a submissive light for so long that I kinda get looked at funny and ignored when ever I try to show any form of a dom tendancy. I know that if I try to change everything at once ods are that I will shove a lot of people away. I guess the main question is where do I start? How can I convince anyone at all that I do have a back bone and want to use it?

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RE: changing life? - 6/5/2010 5:34:28 PM

MasterFireMaam

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We would first suggest taking an internal inventory of 1) what you really want out of being a Dom and 2) what you really want out of your friends. If the friendships won't continue to be positive if you being to change, perhaps they're not really as positive as you think.

Master Fire

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RE: changing life? - 6/5/2010 5:59:01 PM

DarkSteven

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What do you mean, your woman started mentioning the lifestyle? Did she say she wanted you to Dom her, sub to her, or just explore?

Are you still with this woman? Your profile doesn't mention her.

Are you looking to change existing relationships, or start new ones with you as a Dom?

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RE: changing life? - 6/5/2010 6:31:40 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Do you WANT to be dominant in your life or are you just wanting to be a dom because that's what your girlfriend wants?

If it's for the first one then you need to be a dominant personality....get some balls, take charge of your life, career, etc...stand up for yourself, be a leader in life.

If it's for the second one then imo you could do the whole bedroom thing and it could be a little fun roleplaying for the both of you...grab her by the hair, have some kinky rough sex, boss her around a little. Otherwise, just sit her down and explain that it's just not who you are and you don't think you could be that for her and then she'll have to make some choices about who she really wants as a partner in her life.

Good luck.

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RE: changing life? - 6/6/2010 2:29:14 AM

lally2

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something i wrote on another thread got me thinking a bit, not massively, just a curious thought.

if a man opens a door for a woman, or gives up his seat it could be seen two ways - is he being dominant in his actions by taking charge of her immediate environment and comfort or is he being submissive and giving the woman that defferrance i often see written by male subs.

i think its in how *you* see youre actions and the intention behind them - if the intention is to be dominant and quietly take charge people will pick that up without any need for you to suddenly change who you are to them. you are the same person but youre conscious intent behind youre actions has subtly changed.

the misinformation about Dominants is that theyre big loud bossy, I AM's - theyre not actually. they generally get what they want by being carefully calculating and not a little bit devious

- is why we subs love them so much. oh and managing somehow to be or at least appear to be one step ahead of the overall concensus.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 6/6/2010 2:37:54 AM >

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RE: changing life? - 6/6/2010 3:04:53 AM

IronBear

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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Agree with lally here, I too have recently received a number of cm mails because in a couple of posts i adressed a female Dominant as M'Lady. Those who are involved in medieval groups would understand I was paying a courteous complement because of my respect and liking for each lady which has nothing to do with my own Dominance. I open doors, pull out chairs and stand when a lady enters the room. This has again naught to do with Dominance, nor submissiveness. It has everything to do with manners and being (I hope) a Gentleman in the old fashion sense. I suggest OP that it is not what you do but how you do it which speaks of your Dominance or Submissiveness. Should some female request you do something, do so with aplomb, decisiveness and spring forth eager to do this damsel's wishes in a courtly and Knightly manner ready to slay the dragons who pour forth derision upon your head. Stand your ground and give such peons a dressing down for their sad lack of manners that they start to fear you. Lo you shall make ladies of some nobility swoon that such a gallant should appear in their midst. If however, some lady, nay I shall say, some female attempt to command you, leap to your feet, grasp the wench's hair, bringing her to her knees and inform her she must beg your pardon for her lack of manners or wear the collar and garb of a scullery slut until she apologises.

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RE: changing life? - 6/6/2010 5:00:11 AM

Guest

I don't understand how anyone can be submissive in all aspects of life in this society unless they are living it 24x7. Can you explain what you mean by "I live my entire existence as a sub"? If you truly do, trying to change yourself that radically is going to be difficult, and most likely disingenuous. If you are already in a relationship then be honest with her, try topping for a session and see how it goes.

lally2 and Iron Bear have it right. Don't get too hung up on titles or what you think D/s should be.

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RE: changing life? - 6/6/2010 10:36:08 PM

aldompdx

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Control is first of one's self.
Honor and respect is not gained by what you do to another person, but by who you ARE as a person.

Manifest your true nature, rather than putting on a show for others.

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RE: changing life? - 6/7/2010 3:10:47 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I'm confused by your post. Are you saying that you want to take a more Dominant role in your relationship or are you saying that you want to be perceived as more Dominant by other people? It's coming across as the latter, even if that's not what you intended.

If it's the second, I have what might sound like bad news for you. There are some folks out there who, if they view you as a submissive who are going to view you as a submissive in general. That's the image that you have displayed up to this point, so without any evidence to the contrary, that is how they are going to see you. Even with additional evidence, there will be some folks who will see you as a switch, but not 'fully' Dominant because of your time that you've submitted. That makes it sound like I'm being unfair, but I'm not. Please feel free to wander over to the Ask A Switch board and read for yourself. You'll find there are some folks out there who can not submit to someone who has been submissive. It's one of the struggles that switches face.

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RE: changing life? - 6/7/2010 6:26:22 AM

DesFIP

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How to demonstrate a backbone appropriately? I would suggest therapy to learn healthy boundaries.

As far as friends or family who will not treat you in the manner you wish to be treated? Distance yourself. If they really cared about you, they would listen when you object to what they do.

As far as a relationship you may now be in? Perhaps talking a lot more about what both of you want, in detail, seeing what you agree on and starting with those activities you both wish to try would be the best place to start.

Beyond that, be a man of your word. If you say you will do something, then you had damned well better do it. A reputation for being undependable is never desirable.

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RE: changing life? - 6/7/2010 10:19:14 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirgrumpy

right now I am in a point where I live my entire existence as a sub. From my work,family life,everything iyou can think of. Over time my woman started mentioning this lifestyle and I didn't really understand it so at the time I wasn't really willing to try it.as time has gone by and I have tried to learn more I have gotten really interested in it.my problem is that I have been viewed in a submissive light for so long that I kinda get looked at funny and ignored when ever I try to show any form of a dom tendancy. I know that if I try to change everything at once ods are that I will shove a lot of people away. I guess the main question is where do I start? How can I convince anyone at all that I do have a back bone and want to use it?

I maintain that anyone that makes that kind of statement doesn't have much of a backbone to begin with. Perhaps start by convincing yourself.

BadOne

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RE: changing life? - 6/7/2010 5:22:52 PM

reynardfox

Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
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You can't change anything without changing your outlook.
If you are weak, you are weak until you decide to be strong.
If you are a wanker, then you are a wanker until you decide to stop.
If you are dumber than a bag of hammers, then you need to learn.
If you decide to be a Dom then I would pay to watch what a subbie did to you for leading them on.
I've read posts by more dominant sounding hamsters.

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RE: changing life? - 6/7/2010 5:25:57 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Agree with lally here, I too have recently received a number of cm mails because in a couple of posts i adressed a female Dominant as M'Lady. Those who are involved in medieval groups would understand I was paying a courteous complement because of my respect and liking for each lady which has nothing to do with my own Dominance. I open doors, pull out chairs and stand when a lady enters the room. This has again naught to do with Dominance, nor submissiveness. It has everything to do with manners and being (I hope) a Gentleman in the old fashion sense. I suggest OP that it is not what you do but how you do it which speaks of your Dominance or Submissiveness. Should some female request you do something, do so with aplomb, decisiveness and spring forth eager to do this damsel's wishes in a courtly and Knightly manner ready to slay the dragons who pour forth derision upon your head. Stand your ground and give such peons a dressing down for their sad lack of manners that they start to fear you. Lo you shall make ladies of some nobility swoon that such a gallant should appear in their midst. If however, some lady, nay I shall say, some female attempt to command you, leap to your feet, grasp the wench's hair, bringing her to her knees and inform her she must beg your pardon for her lack of manners or wear the collar and garb of a scullery slut until she apologises.

~grins seeing the side of men i adore

Well stated, Master IronBear

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