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Thoughts on BDSM needs - 4/11/2006 5:45:57 AM

Real0ne

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i was reading another post which prompted a couple thoughts.

The post i read was about the difficulties one guy had or has maintaining fidelity to his partner because of his desire to explore his bdsm "NEEDS".

Is this any different than looking at Maryjane next door who has bigger hooters than his wife so now he "needs" to play with them?

How about Maryjane wears a leather mini skirt too, so he has a deep rooted "need" that goes to his core driving him to pursue the leather mini skirt lifestyle with Maryjane?

Whats the difference between pursuing Maryjane or pursuing BDSM?

It seems to me that if bdsm can be classified and acted upon as a "need" then why cant the pedophile claim they needed to play with kiddies for instance?

Not only in this case for instance but this term has become very popular and you can see it in profile after profile where they talk about how someones core "need" for xyz must be in place before consideration.

This of course brings up several questions.

How can this be classified as a need rather than a desire?

Has the word need been diluted to the point anything goes?

Is there a line to be drawn in there somewhere?

Maybe my definition of needs is to narrow, is theirs to liberal?

So many avenues to explore this phenomena

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RE: Thoughts on BDSM needs - 4/11/2006 5:48:27 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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I can understand someone feeling that they needed to explore bdsm to be fulfilled in themselves.

It still doesn't justify cheating.

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RE: Thoughts on BDSM needs - 4/11/2006 5:52:32 AM

nursemary

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i second that thought!! A cheater with now fulfilled needs is still indeed a cheater..

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RE: Thoughts on BDSM needs - 4/11/2006 6:03:07 AM

Tikkiee

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quote:

Whats the difference between pursuing Maryjane or pursuing BDSM?

Knowledge and consent

quote:

It seems to me that if bdsm can be classified and acted upon as a "need" then why cant the pedophile claim they needed to play with kiddies for instance?

Because the youngin's in question don't have the knowledge to give informed consent?

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RE: Thoughts on BDSM needs - 4/11/2006 7:50:54 AM

truesub4u

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I'm going on the thoughts of my friend i'm posted on here before about. Because I just spoke to him about this over the past few weeks. When we first met. He knew nothing of my submissveness. Over the past 3 years did he learn this. He figured I was into kinky sex. So we according to him. Experimented. To him, it was "fun" and he wanted to know more. So over the next few months, we talked of it quite often. He began reading things on the internet about the lifestyle I was living. He said, he would never be able to give me more of what he felt I needed. I told him, it's not about sex. It caused him to further his studies on bdsm. In his studies and research, he stumbled into Gor. This is the first time I heard him refer to a need. He felt a need to explore further into the Gor lifestyle. And he's been there ever since. He felt the need he said to continue the Gor because he felt at home there. He found he could relate to others that think like him. (Or him like them since he's the newbie) I think his need to be who he is pulled him more than just his need to see what I living. And him needing to keep up with me... LOL. Lately he talks to me in the Gor language, and like I do with IronBear... I have to pull out my Gor dictionary..

He's not needing to find himself no more. He's found himself. And the man is just more happier with his life now. So some do need.... to find out what their needs are.... and try to fullfill them. I would just hope, that they wouldn't be harmful to others nor illegal. What I mean by harmful, is the already stated cheating, lies and deceit. But that's been covered in so many other threads and most others have their own views on that subject.

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RE: Thoughts on BDSM needs - 4/11/2006 7:53:57 AM

ivorylace

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cheating is cheating whether calling it a need or not.

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RE: Thoughts on BDSM needs - 4/11/2006 8:05:06 AM

slavejali

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I think when people *need* to explore outside their relationship without the consent of their partner, basically amounting to infidelity, it means they need to satiate their desire for lust more than they feel the *need* to respect their partner they have promised fidelity to. Its a priority thing, some people have different priorities in life.

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RE: Thoughts on BDSM needs - 4/11/2006 8:08:29 AM

Arpig

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Really very simple....it is NOT a physical need. nobody ever starved from a lack of BDSM in their lives. That being said however, it can, and very often is, an emotional or psychological need. By that I mean something that is required for the emotional or psychological well-being of the person.
One who feels a "need" to explore BDSM and doesn't will not waste away and die, but they will be unhappy in their life, and depending on the strength of the "need" and other factors in their life, they may descend into clinical depression, which can lead to...well we all know where it can lead.
So in that sense, yes it can be a need for some people at certain vulnerable times of their life.

As for your example of the pedophile....it is in many cases a recognised psychological condition in which the pedophile feels an uncontrollable compulsion to act out his fantasies, and therefore it is to that person a need. This is why so-called "chemical castration" (which kills all sexual desire) is used in some cases.

And as for your other example, maryjane with the big hooters and leather miniskirt? Can you honestly tell me that we don't all need more big hooters and leather miniskirts in our lives

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RE: Thoughts on BDSM needs - 4/11/2006 9:11:15 AM

pollux

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Real0ne

i was reading another post which prompted a couple thoughts.

The post i read was about the difficulties one guy had or has maintaining fidelity to his partner because of his desire to explore his bdsm "NEEDS".

Is this any different than looking at Maryjane next door who has bigger hooters than his wife so now he "needs" to play with them?

How about Maryjane wears a leather mini skirt too, so he has a deep rooted "need" that goes to his core driving him to pursue the leather mini skirt lifestyle with Maryjane?

Whats the difference between pursuing Maryjane or pursuing BDSM?

RealOne: I think to be fair to the poster you are alluding to (at least who I think you're alluding to), you might mention that the person didn't say it was difficult to remain faithful. He was completely faithful and didn't have a hard time with that. What he was really having difficulty with was relating to his own kink. *That* was the problem, not the temptation to infidelity.

My personal belief is if you're in a committed relationship, and you haven't obtained consent from your partner to be intimate with someone else outside it, nothing justifies cheating. That's *my* morality, though, and I'm not about to say that the way I live my life is the way everyone else ought to live theirs.

Having said that, I think you can look more deeply at your question and ask what's motivating the person who is seeking to be active in BDSM. Do you think someone who identifies as a Mistress/Master, slave/sub, or whatever, is in any way different from someone who says they're vanilla? If they're not different, why bother with a site like CollarMe? Why do we even have terms like D/s or BDSM or SSC or RACK in our vocabulary? Is it possible that people who are drawn to BDSM are motivated by things *other than* sexual gratification?

I've said it before, and I still believe this is true: I think a closeted kinkster who is trying to figure out how BDSM relates to his (or her) core identity while trapped in a vanilla marriage is fighting a different set of psychological pressures than someone who is tempted by the hottie next door in a short skirt. And, acknowledging that the basic issues affecting vanillas vs. BDSMers are different is not the same as rationalizing infidelity. I don't see any conflict at all between saying Yes, for some people, BDSM is a need, and No, it is not ok to cheat.

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RE: Thoughts on BDSM needs - 4/12/2006 11:29:54 PM

Real0ne

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux
I've said it before, and I still believe this is true: I think a closeted kinkster who is trying to figure out how BDSM relates to his (or her) core identity while trapped in a vanilla marriage is fighting a different set of psychological pressures than someone who is tempted by the hottie next door in a short skirt. And, acknowledging that the basic issues affecting vanillas vs. BDSMers are different is not the same as rationalizing infidelity. I don't see any conflict at all between saying Yes, for some people, BDSM is a need, and No, it is not ok to cheat.

It seems to me that what we are talking about are wants or desires not needs how can this be classified as a need.

quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u
He's not needing to find himself no more. He's found himself. And the man is just more happier with his life now. So some do need.... to find out what their needs are.... and try to fullfill them.

this reminds me of people who buy a new sports car. they walk up to the window and because it trips their trigger now they have to have it so transforms into a need, but is it really?

i do need water and i do need air to breath, i do not think that can be argued as being anything other than a need.

What is the difference between a need and a desire? It seems tome someone can be happy with having their desired fulfilled as well. i do not see this as a need i see it as a desire because it will float his boat till the next desire comes along.

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RE: Thoughts on BDSM needs - 4/12/2006 11:50:42 PM

BitaTruble

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quote:

What is the difference between a need and a desire?

Needs are survival based, desires are often explored to thrive. Many people want to thrive rather than stagnant.

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RE: Thoughts on BDSM needs - 4/12/2006 11:56:02 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Real0ne

It seems to me that if bdsm can be classified and acted upon as a "need" then why cant the pedophile claim they needed to play with kiddies for instance?

Those participating in BDSM are consenting adults, and in situations not harmful to the emotional and mental development of a young being. To equate the two is beyond apples to oranges.

Not even going to touch the "cheating" comments - it has been beaten to death, repeatedly, in thread after thread. i think by now everyone knows what everyone feels about it.

Other than that, i echo Celeste's sentiment. There is an internal drive to express who we are as humans. In this particular way of living, responsible parties attempt to do so without harm to other individuals.

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RE: Thoughts on BDSM needs - 4/13/2006 8:56:55 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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Hummm..am wondering how many leather miniskirts Arpig owns?..