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Embracing Ambiguity - 6/9/2010 6:18:46 PM

sunshinemiss

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Hello everyone,

VC wrote the following in a post over in another section regarding a woman learning to salsa dance (perhaps my most favorite thing in the world). Rather than hijack that thread, I thought I'd start a new one.

quote:

She kept going on about how the naming of the moves wasn't systematic-different classes call different steps by different names. She couldn't see past that in order to learn how to just dance-you don't need to know the name of a move to follow it, you don't have to call it the same thing anyone else does-you just have to learn to move sensuously and gracefully and with rhythmn and a sensitivity to your partner-then everything else just sorts itself out.

The whole concept of ambiguity, not knowing something *exactly*, trusting others, opening to the space where we agree (the moves rather than the words), being in the moment, not getting tangled in unnecessary details (the names of the moves).... this really resonates with me.

So often, we discuss on the boards "talk before you commit" and suggest people be clear about our boundaries. However, people change, we learn and grow, we become different than we were. Life is not stagnant. While of course communication is 100% necessary, people change their minds, tastes, desires. It's not possible to always hold people to what they've said. "I'm not into x" may become "you know, I'm curious about x" may become "I'm totally digging x".

There is a certain moment to moment honesty there. It reminds me of a portion of The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.

I've always thought this was about being open to the changes that happen. Can you be true to the changes that occur inside yourself? Can you be open to the ebb and flow of life.

I hate rigidity. I like structure and things to be generally a rule... but rigidity does not allow the spirit of creativity and inspiration to breathe.

I often feel like an odd duck here because of this kind of open, non rigid stance.

Any thoughts?

best,
sunshine

(and for those of you who wish to see the entire poem, here it is)

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

by
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
copyright © 1999 by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

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RE: Embracing Ambiguity - 6/9/2010 7:21:44 PM

Andalusite

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I've made some changes over time. I'd say that in general, I'm very flexible, adaptable, and openminded, but the core of who I am hasn't changed much. This also applies to limits, searching for a partner, and so forth. There are some things that are really crucial to me, that I won't compromise on, while others are very difficult to define. For example, instead of a checklist of limits, they were roughly stated as, "nothing that is likely to cause harm to me, whether physical, compromising my job or damaging my interactions with my relatives, and so forth, without specifically discussing and consenting to it." So, for example, a permanent mark wouldn't automatically be a limit, but I did need some input. I am fine with breaking the battery laws that are applicable to BDSM, and maybe something like speeding, but not shoplifting, murder, etc. Ethnicity, height, and BDSM orientation are all pretty flexible, but integrity, honesty, trustworthiness, chemistry, and the need for reasonably compatible playstyles and D/s philosophies are all very important.

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RE: Embracing Ambiguity - 6/9/2010 7:34:00 PM

juliaoceania

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This thread so resonates with me at this stage of my life...

I am living alone for the first time EVER...

I call all the shots in my life...

And I am starting to really love it!

I had to be willing to challenge myself to embrace all of it, and I even backslid into some past patterns in an attempt to not deal with being alone, I wasn't ready for the ambiguity of loneliness v joyful independence, and what it meant to be completely on my own...

Well the good news is I am loving life all on my own these days. I have more friends and activities going on these days then I had before I got married. I throw parties, and make lunch dates with friends, and take tours with groups... etc. Life would not be this lovely had I not embraced the ambiguity.

Here is something valuable I have learned, that even though the role that people you love may change in your life (in my case my son, and Sinergy) it does not mean that those same people are not a part of your life.... all the same people are a part of my life, their roles are just somewhat different... but I had to embrace the ambiguity of that state to get to the point of appreciating it... and I completely appreciate it.

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RE: Embracing Ambiguity - 6/9/2010 8:40:57 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

Can you be open to the ebb and flow of life.

I feel that this is what has allowed me to live a very beautiful life. Absolutely. :-)

Thanks for starting this topic, sunshine.

- LA

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RE: Embracing Ambiguity - 6/9/2010 8:56:36 PM

laurell3

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That poem is beautiful, thank you for sharing that.

I very much believe that life is a process and we are never static in it. How much we choose to absorb, change, flow and revel in the beauty around us is what makes us the people that we become. It isn't always an easy thing to do.

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When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Embracing Ambiguity - 6/10/2010 4:39:23 AM

sunshinemiss

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

I've made some changes over time. I'd say that in general, I'm very flexible, adaptable, and openminded, but the core of who I am hasn't changed much. This also applies to limits, searching for a partner, and so forth. There are some things that are really crucial to me, that I won't compromise on, while others are very difficult to define. For example, instead of a checklist of limits, they were roughly stated as, "nothing that is likely to cause harm to me, whether physical, compromising my job or damaging my interactions with my relatives, and so forth, without specifically discussing and consenting to it." So, for example, a permanent mark wouldn't automatically be a limit, but I did need some input. I am fine with breaking the battery laws that are applicable to BDSM, and maybe something like speeding, but not shoplifting, murder, etc. Ethnicity, height, and BDSM orientation are all pretty flexible, but integrity, honesty, trustworthiness, chemistry, and the need for reasonably compatible playstyles and D/s philosophies are all very important.

Yes, I do tend to agree that our basic self-ness doesn't really change. I mean an extrovert is not going to become an introvert by any means! I like your "checklist".... rather like my own.

Don't mess up my loved ones, my ability to make a living, and my self-esteem. It's funny there were some things that I absolutely put my foot down in the past which were seemingly silly but they always went back to those things.

Best to you, Andalusite,
sunshine

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RE: Embracing Ambiguity - 6/10/2010 4:41:23 AM

sunshinemiss

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

This thread so resonates with me at this stage of my life...

I had to be willing to challenge myself to embrace all of it, and I even backslid into some past patterns in an attempt to not deal with being alone, I wasn't ready for the ambiguity of loneliness v joyful independence, and what it meant to be completely on my own...

snip

... but I had to embrace the ambiguity of that state to get to the point of appreciating it... and I completely appreciate it.

Julia,
i'm so glad that you found a nugget for yourself! Please keep us (or at lest me

) posted aobut your new life. It sounds wonderfully exciting... scary but thrilling.

Good luck, and best to you and yours,
sunshine

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RE: Embracing Ambiguity - 6/10/2010 4:43:09 AM

sunshinemiss

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Laurel and Angelika -
I'm glad you enjoy this. I love that poem! It entered my life a good ten years ago, and it's always a pleasure to pass it along.

Best,
sunshine

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RE: Embracing Ambiguity - 6/10/2010 4:52:28 AM

FelineFae

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Anasaiyo, Sunshine.

In my life, we play this game called " Hurry Up and Wait ".

i want to know. i want a nice list of dates and goals. i really do.

But,

There are surprises. And those are good too.
Once upon a time, i had everything planned out. Twenty year to do list, divided into five year increments.
Then i fell in love.
Now we take things as they come, or don't come. We must. Fate has made a believer out of me.

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RE: Embracing Ambiguity - 6/10/2010 5:00:28 AM

DesFIP

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Some people do need to understand before they can just do it. People learn differently.

Back when the kidlet was a beginner rider, I would watch her lessons and not understand what use it was to sit differently. Or whatever the day's lesson was. But when I came back and read Cherry Hill's books which explained how it worked, then I got it. And when the kidlet decided I should learn to ride her horse, I could do so because I had read the books and knew how it all went together.

Some people just can't do if they don't understand why. And that's just as acceptable as those who can.

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RE: Embracing Ambiguity - 6/10/2010 5:02:47 AM

tropicalhoney

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sunshine, thank you so much for sharing the poem. It expresses my feelings so completely. It's been an interesting challenge in my late 50's and now in my 60's to move from a life with a man for 32 years and into a life on my own. So many possibilities and so much growth.

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