maybemaybenot
Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005 Status: offline
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About 4 years ago, one month after I had to put down my very favorite cat in the world, a pretty little stray visited me at my kitchen window one night when I was doing dishes. She was emaciated and raggy looking. I went outside to my patio < my kichen window looks out to the patio > and brought her some food and water. She was soo friendly and loving, I knew she was not ferile or unfamiliar with humans. Quite the opposite. It's a long story, but after seeing if anyone had lost a cat and having her vetted, I brought her in. The vet told me she was an older teenager at the time, which makes her around 17-19 y/o now. I have always maintained that TweedEBoy < the cat I had just put down > sent her to me to help my grief. She was his gift to me. So besides loosing Kissykat, I feel I am losing part of Tweed E Boy. That may sound insane to some folks, but I have a deep connection with animals and that is how I " feel ". She has had a wonderful life with me and my other cat and my birds. And I see each day her time with me is becoming very short. She's losing weight, she won't eat any cat food anymore. I can only get her to eat a few teaspoons of chicken and cheese, and I do not force this, I put chopped chicken and cheese in her bowl and she eats a little bit, but not alot. She has started doing something I have never seen a cat do. She walks into a corner of a room or behind a door and starts catterwalling < bad spelling>. As soon as I say " Kissykat, where are you " she comes out and stops her catterwalling, hops up on my lap and relaxes. It's weird because all the time I have had her she has never as much a meowed once. Another weird thing is: while she doesn't eat much, she still goes to her bowl and gives me " the look ". I put food in her dish, she sniffs it and returns to sitting next to the bowl with her " Feed me " eyes. She's walking slower and wobbly on occasion, sleeping more and generally fading on me. She always slept with me and now she doesn't come to bed at night, but stays in her little kitty bed. She always loved to come outside with me when I gardened and now she walks out for a few minutes and then back to her kitty bed. She loved hopping up on the table and looking into the birdcage. She loved the birds, she would rub her face on the cage and gently lay her paw on the wires. If the birds got loud she would always run to the cage and check it out to make sure they were OK. She is still able to jump off my lap and jump up onto a chair if she likes. She's old and she's getting tired, I understand that. My struggle comes with watching her fade this way. I question myself every day if I should put her down. Reasons for doing it are as I said above and I know she has maybe a month or so left with me. OTOH, she doesn't seem in pain, she doesn't seem unhappy, she has no symptoms of anything really wrong with her except old age. I don't know if that catterwalling behind doors and in cormers is a sign of pain/discomfort, but it seems not, as she stops when I call her name. I think maybe her vision is going and she gets lost. But that is a guess. I have no desire to take her to the Vet to work her up, she is old and given her age, any treatment would be unkind to her and selfish on my part. I wonder if keeping her alive when she is slowly fading is unkind. My heart does not think so. I know, because I have done it many times, that when she shows any sign of sickness or discomfort or physical disability, I will have the vet come to my house and tearfully hold her while her little soul is set free. But then I think... am I causing her distress by letting her slowly die albeit without pain/discomfort. Is she sitting at her bowl looking at me cuz she is hungry and can't eat, which is not a good thing, or is she is it just habit. There is no answer, I know and that causes me more saddness. I have pretty strong views on animal/pet responsibility and don't believe you should put a creature down, because they are an inconvenience on you. I believe once you take on an animal it is your duty to see it thru to the end. As I ponder what to do with my little KissyKat, I question whether I am thinking of putting her down, because I cry everyday about it and it is so very hard to watch her fade like this. I feel cheated that I have only had a few years with her. Silly I know and not true, but I feel that way. I keep asking her to give me a sign that it is time for me to make that dreadful call. Again silly, but I want to be doing the best for her. I want to make her last days as normal and loving for her as her few years with me have been. Even my other kitty, Oprah, senses it. Oprah is young and she always taunted and played around with the her. Oprah now, sits quietly with Kissykat and keeps a watch over her. She cleans her and follows her around. Kissy's kitty bed is on a wing back chair. Oprah gets up on the chair and sleeps above Kissykat on the back of the chair. Kind of like a Momma kitty would do with a baby. When Kissykat does that catterwalling thing, Oprah makes a beeline for wherever she is and starts catterwallign too, to get my attention, I suppose. I'm not really looking for an answer to these questions I ask myself, because I don't think any of us " know ". I know there are alot of animal lovers like me here and any kind words or helpful advice is appreciated. My heart really is breaking as I go thru this. I have always had animals, but never had one that didn't get sick or get a disease that made it easy to tell when the time was right. Not that it is an easy task, it's a horrible task we do because we love them enough to let them go easily.. I don't mind that she isn't as interactive or that she sleeps most of the time and I have less time holding her or sleeping with her. I want her to be content. And I guess that is the crux of my dilema. Is she content ? or is she silently suffering ? Again, none of us really know, but it tears at me. mbmbn
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Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.
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