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ORIGINAL: laurell3

Gerbil stomping???? Have you run across that often?

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The focus on transparency that we see here often can sometimes ignore that we all process and communicate in different ways. If I am upset about something, I am unlikely to immediately disclose that. I tend to process things to make sure my emotions are actually attributable to my partner and not old conditioning or just something else that is causing me stress such as work. This doesn't mean I don't disclose that I am having a hard time eventually, it just means I make sure what I am communicating is actually true.

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ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

I wanted to discuss the subject of basic ground rules in your D/s relationships in relation to how you treat one another, how you resolve conflicts and hurt feelings when and if they arise, and how you do and don't talk to one another while resolving those conflicts., okay?

How bout you guys and gals?  What are your ground rules?

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I'm aware that there's a school of thought that basically goes "The dominant is always right, the slave must not have any wishes, desires, goals, aspirations or feelings that get in the way of what the dominant wants

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You, as always, covered this topic pretty well in my opinion. Those are the foundation of a healthy relationship the way I see it. From there, I can create rules that I find need addressing in every day life, but the staples/foundation type rules are the mainstay.

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I'm aware that there's a school of thought that basically goes "The dominant is always right, the slave must not have any wishes, desires, goals, aspirations or feelings that get in the way of what the dominant wants, and the dominant can talk to and treat the submissive any way she wants."  More power to ya if that works for some people in the real world, but in my experience that tends not to be very sustainable in a long term healthy relationship even if the dynamic is 24/7.   On the other hand, there isn't any one right way to do it either, so let's throw in our 0.02 for whatever that's worth after inflation about how we do it in our own relationships.

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As I mentioned in the thread on aspirations and dreams, sometimes it is appropriate for the Dominant to redirect the submissive into other goals, or to restrict the time or money they spend on pursuing a dream. It depends on what it is, how it is impacting the relationship (time and money are both finite resources), whether the Dominant gets anything positive from the submissive pursuing that goal, if there is something that will fulfill the submissive in similar ways, but that the Dominant would find more useful, etc. I think a submissive should be open to being molded, and redirected. It also depends on how important the goal is, whether it is hobby or work-related, and a number of other factors.

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I'm wondering, Jhon, what your last screen name was ... you are awfully bitter and jaded, not to mention rude, disrespectful, and apparently not quite clear on what D/s means to other people besides yourself (based on postings in other threads, not just this post here).

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ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
By the way, LnT.... your rules are rather how I run my classroom.

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ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

I wanted to discuss the subject of basic ground rules in your D/s relationships in relation to how you treat one another, how you resolve conflicts and hurt feelings when and if they arise, and how you do and don't talk to one another while resolving those conflicts.

I'm aware that there's a school of thought that basically goes "The dominant is always right, the slave must not have any wishes, desires, goals, aspirations or feelings that get in the way of what the dominant wants, and the dominant can talk to and treat the submissive any way she wants."  More power to ya if that works for some people in the real world, but in my experience that tends not to be very sustainable in a long term healthy relationship even if the dynamic is 24/7.   On the other hand, there isn't any one right way to do it either, so let's throw in our 0.02 for whatever that's worth after inflation about how we do it in our own relationships.

The ground rules in my poly family include things like the following.

1.  Respect.  We are adults who care deeply about each other, and our words and actions reflect that at all times, even if we're sad or angry.  It's okay to tell your partner that something they did made you feel sad or angry or hurt or disappointed in them, but not ever okay to call names or make personal attacks.  If any of us ever got to the point that we had lost so much love and respect for one another that we were willing to engage in yelling and name calling behavior, the relationship would basically be circling the drain.  We don't do that, not ever.  Doing this instead of constructive negotiation to resolve conflict is definitely on my list of hard limits.  I won't tolerate it being done to me, and if I was ever at the point where I was willing to do that to a life partner, it would be necessary to re-assess whether we could stay together as a family.  Probably we couldn't; I have to safeword on dysfunctional relationships.

2.  Responsibility.  We are all responsible for our own feelings.  I can explain that when you do X I tend to feel Y, but when I communicate this to a partner I do so with clear acknowledgment that some or all of my feelings have more to do with my personal background and brain wiring than with any universal sense of right or wrong.  There is no right or wrong or "should" in a poly kinky relationship, just clear communication and negotiation and personal wiring.    If one of my partners disappoints me because he does or doesn't do something that makes me feel bad, it is my responsibility to clearly communicate WHAT made me feel bad, WHY it made me feel bad, and to discuss how we can do it differently in the future.  It is not okay to  yell and scream and accuse my partner of being a bad person because something he did tripped my personal ouch triggers.    We are responsible for clearly communicating our personal ouch triggers, because they may not be the same as someone else's, and our partners are not psychic.   We are also responsible for recognizing the difference between a personal ouch trigger and a fundamental violation of ethics, safety and trust.  

3.  Communication.  Endless, endless communication.  Everybody's got to talk and keep talking, or the poly thing doesn't work.  You may be my collared property, but you are still a human being with feelings, and if you do not talk about how you feel and ask for the things that are important to you, then eventually the shit is going to hit the fan even if it's only in your head, and that isn't going to be healthy for the family as a whole.  Nobody is psychic, so everybody needs to be clear about where their personal boundaries, feelings and ouch triggers are so we can actually be as loving and caring and considerate towards one another as we all genuinely want to be.  My submissives cannot serve me and make me happy if they do not know how to do that, so it is my responsibility to communicate clearly to them what does and doesn't make me happy.  It is not okay for me to blame them if they transgress on limits I didn't tell them I had set for them, or fail to do something that I think they "just should have known" to do for me.  If they fail at a task I never set them, it's my own fault, and the only fix for it is better communication.   If I do something that makes one of them unhappy, and I didn't know it would cause that reaction, it's their responsibility to tell me about it in a caring and respectful way.  Expecting your partners to grow psychic powers so they "just know" what you want without your having to tell them is a good way to make everything implode in drama, so we don't do that.

4.  Basic trust, ethics and loyalty.  The fundamental assumption here is that all of us are ethical people who do not engage in behaviors like lying, cheating, stealing, gerbil stomping, axe murdering little old ladies, etc.  Our mutual high priority is the health and well being of our poly family as a whole, not just getting what we want as individuals at the expense of someone else in the family.  If that ever fails, then pretty much it all fails no matter what rules we try to live by. 

My poly family is not a democracy; we're a pack and I'm the alpha wolf.  But as an alpha, I am responsible for the health and well being of the pack as a whole, so the decisions I make have to be good and responsible ones for us all.  The way I relate to my submissives is fundamentally positive, constructive, supportive, loving and respectful, even if I am unhappy with them at the moment and we are discussing what needs to change about their behavior, or I am issuing some form of correction.  There may be punishment or behavior modification, but there will not be yelling, name calling, humiliation or verbal abuse, at least not in the relationship itself.  In scene space there might occasionally be some of those elements, especially if we are roleplaying fantasy characters, but they won't be relevant to the dynamics of our real life relationship.

This is a pretty far cry from the stereotypical model of the selfish, narcissistic femdom being served by worthless, groveling slaves she casually beats and abuses, and I'm sure I'll lose my Twue Domme Card if anyone ever finds out I do it this way.  So shhh, don't tell anyone, okay?

How bout you guys and gals?  What are your ground rules?

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I'm aware that there's a school of thought that basically goes "The dominant is always right, the slave must not have any wishes, desires, goals, aspirations or feelings that get in the way of what the dominant wants, and the dominant can talk to and treat the submissive any way she wants."

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ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

I'm wondering, Jhon, what your last screen name was ... you are awfully bitter and jaded, not to mention rude, disrespectful, and apparently not quite clear on what D/s means to other people besides yourself (based on postings in other threads, not just this post here).