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D/s & M/s relationships - 6/16/2010 9:26:19 PM

warlock1935

Posts: 66
Joined: 1/1/2004
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My question is why do D/s & M/s relationships seem to last such a short time? I notice that most don't last more than three to five years.
I had the thought that because these types of relationships are so much more intense, that it's like living a week every day; so three years in a 24/7 D/s relationship is like 21 years in a Vanilla relationship. Or sort of like the fire that burns the hottest burns out more quickly, if that makes sense.
The other idea I had was that since Scene relationships have to be compatible on both the Vanilla level and on the Scene level as well, it's harder to get a good match than it is on the Vanilla level alone?
In BDSM relationships, the problem I see most often seems to be that the Dom goes through all his ideas in a year or two, and sort of "goes Vanilla". That is, he comes home tired one day and just wants to grab a beer and watch TV, not play. I don't seem to see the same syndrome in submissives; and I don't seem to hear about that happening much in D/s relationships.
Anybody know the answer to this?
~~Warlock

Post #: 1

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/16/2010 9:29:42 PM

Glasgow

Posts: 248
Joined: 6/7/2010
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Oh yeah. I've always bought in to the 'dog years' theory of BDSM.

_____________________________

I wash my hands of this weirdness.

(in reply to warlock1935)

Post #: 2

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/16/2010 9:34:20 PM

SocratesNot

Posts: 812
Joined: 5/17/2010
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I would rather ask question why some M/s or D/s relationships end.
Even some internal enslavement relationships end and I have encountered many people here who were in such relationships and are not anymore.
I am not sure if they last shorter than other relationships or not.
But some of them definitely end.
Now, knowing that internal enslavement and TPE usually implies "being collared forever" to someone, it strikes me as a curiosity why such relationships end, not so rarely.

_____________________________

Amicus Plato, sed magis amica veritas. - Aristotle
Plato is my friend, but truth is a better friend. - Aristotle

(in reply to Glasgow)

Post #: 3

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/16/2010 9:47:21 PM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
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I think sometimes people set themselves up for unrealistic expectations with regards to the ds aspects of the relationship, therefore they end up getting disappointed.

Another problem with the dominance or submission waning and ultimately causing the demise of the relationship, is that too many people hit it off on that level and expect to found an entire relationship on the ds charge and excitement. If that's the only basis, then I don't think there's a good chance of longterm, because when the ds gets shelved suddenly they have nothing in common.

(in reply to warlock1935)

Post #: 4

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/16/2010 9:49:15 PM

Kana

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Joined: 10/24/2006
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How bout the thought that too many people rush headlong into relationships doomed to failure...

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 5

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/16/2010 10:28:38 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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That too, Kana.

I think one thing that folks need to consider is that you have to look at it in comparison with non kinky relationships. How many people have long term 'dating' that only lasts for a little while? There is a certain percentage of first marriages that don't last and most of those don't hit a longer time frame than the three to five year mark either. It was already mentioned that if people are basing their D/s dynamic on the play, it won't last. I see that very much the same as those vanilla couples who base their relationship purely on sex.

While I agree that there are more areas to look at compatibility when you throw kink in the mix, I don't think we're any different on relationship issues than non kinky folks.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 6

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/16/2010 11:55:48 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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We feel another consideration is how much easier it is to end a Ds or Ms relationship in relation to a marriage. For most people in Ms relationships, there is no legal entanglement or, more importantly, children. These are the two things We have observed to keep people in unhappy marriages. It is Our question as to if marriages would end earlier if these two things weren't a factor.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to warlock1935)

Post #: 7

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/17/2010 12:15:31 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
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I think it depends on the age of the participants and what they are looking for in their relationship. I know people who practice D/s and they've been married for well over 25 years. I know another couple that's been together for at least 10 years. But they are not primarily based on "play" but on D/s - the kind of lifestyle stuff that's based more on what's in their heads than what toys they use. It's about those day-to-day D/s encounters that are so incorporated into their lives that no one really notices them unless they are really looking for them. It's in their mindset and attitude more than in bruises or bleeding.

If Santa hadn't died we would have continued to be together for many years to come. That was our plan and nothing happened that would have changed our committment to each other. We had the kind of relationship that was more about my serving him first and considering his needs above my own wants rather than a beat the sub bloody every night. He loved his ropes but I didn't get tied up very often. Bondage was a very, very small part of our relationship. Mostly He was my One who was the center of my life. I served him and he appreciated my service.

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 8

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/17/2010 12:44:41 AM

SimplyMichael

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Joined: 1/7/2007
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So many think that being able to bark orders makes their idiotic self absorbed personality more tolerable and on the flip side many pathetic women think that having a man control everything is the cure for their fucked up life. They think that having rules will cure all the issues they have had in their past relationships and never look in the mirror.

Then there are the people lost in the fantasy, forgetting that real life doesn't "get in the way" of being M/s or D/s it IS life and that things need to ebb and flow. It isn't always practical to kneel naked at the door waiting for LordPompous to arrive home from his burger flipping job or that kneeling for a guy working a shitty job isn't as cool as being a slave to some rich dude out of "The MarketPlace" or that those hot chicks at Kink.com didn't do that shit last weekend and won't be doing it the weekend after their shift either.

They don't have the experience to get that there is give and take in a successful relationship. They see an experience dominant at a party use a woman hard as a mere object, not caring for a moment about her needs and think they have seen a real master with his slave. They didn't see him last weekend helping weed her garden or doing the dishes so she could finish up homework. They don't hear the quiet "good girl" he whispers in her ear just before he rests his boots on her back.

It isn't just dominants who get lost in the fantasy that the slave should get nothing, there are plenty of submissives and slaves who think that and lose respect for any man who doesn't "just" use them. A few years down the road they wonder why they feel all used up and or resentful. One reads so many posts by this type on the board, often worried their submissive secretly "got" something or that their dominant isn't dominating them enough. They don't look at the person standing next to them and see a treasured ally against the world, they see someone they struggle against instead of their treasured partner.

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 9

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/17/2010 12:47:53 AM

lally2

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Joined: 4/16/2009
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i wonder too if its the internet thing - in that we might find someone who is compatible but they live miles away. used to be that you just dated people in and around youre local area, now we have internet access the tendency is to meet people you would never meet otherwise. geography plays a big part in how long a relationship lasts, least thats been my experience. i tried to keep to a 30 mile radius, but it was impossible, all i ever found were people after kink. in my age group people tend to be established where they are and i certainly cant relocate because of my 14 year old and my business committments.

sublizzie makes a good point too. if youre relatonship is based more on the service end of things then you have something that will keep people together. in all relationships the honeymoon period usually lasts about 2 years with regard to sex, if you dont have anything much else to hold it together then its gonna be doomed i think, people just dont work at relationships so much once the fizz has gone out of it. plus there is such a plethora of new conquests available via the net.

even so, after reading lancehughes thread id say that on the whole we're not doing too badly here in hetero land

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 10

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/17/2010 3:51:10 AM

SirNomdeplume

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Joined: 6/15/2010
Status: offline

I am in D/D and we share our slaves. We have a poly family enviorment. The relationship has lasted nine years and we see no end to it We are commited to each other passions, growth in the lifestyle and the others directions. We find the change is the viable necessity. What I did several years ago is not what we are into now. Those that do not change run the risk going seperate ways.

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 11

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/17/2010 4:08:23 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Neets and I have a M/M poly relationship. Slaves/servants start off being collared to the home and later suitable ones may be offered a personal collar but still have to follow the home rules and protocols.

Relationship wise generally, I am using my experience both with three failed marriages and my current successful marriage. I am also using my professional experience as both Counsellor and Psych-therapist when I say,; Relationships follow similar yet diverse paths in that they go through periods of slowing down and appearing to hibernate (not get stagnant) and then seem to come forth with spurts of growth. If the people involved have only one focus which in this case is thge M/s, D/s dynamic the relationship can grow stale and needs an injection of stimulants such as hobbies, each partner having their own interests and developing new things they can both enjoy. This is why people who do the hard yards and actually have both persons working at keeping the relationship from becoming stale and adding fresh things to the mix have a better chance of a blossoming relationship where others have become stale and falling apart. Boredom is the great relationship killer and induces the illicit adventures which break down trust.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to SirNomdeplume)

Post #: 12

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/17/2010 4:40:56 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You seem to define a bdsm relationship, op, as a sex game. Not as a relationship. Him grabbing a beer and watching the game is perfectly normal after a long day. It doesn't make us vanilla. It makes us people who get tired and need to unwind. The fact that we don't play around the clock doesn't make us vanilla, it makes us normal people who like to watch tv, go bowling, read books, - in short have exactly the same range of things that we did even when we weren't having kinky sex.

If all you want out of the relationship is the kinky sex, then of course you'll run through your list of enjoyable stuff and need to move on. What we want is to be with a partner we love and respect, along with everything else.

And our relationship is eight years old, not just three, and still going strong. What applies here is the saying that only boring people get bored. Only people who are focused on adding to their life list of kinky activities burn through their relationships for this reason.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 13

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/17/2010 5:57:24 AM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline

I don't think the problem is BDSM specific, but a universal issue, and as I see it there are many contributing factors. Here are a few, but it is in no way an exhaustive list.

As times change it is more acceptable for people to live alone, there isn't the social pressure to be part of a relationship as there once used to be.

I think many people are unaware of what commitment means. I am finding more and more that commitment's are only honoured when conditions are met, and some of these conditions are unrealistic over a long period of time.

I also see a different mentality emerging more frequently for instant gratification, wanting the maximum from something by giving the minimum. People are less likely to invest themselves these days.

People's sense of self-importance appears to be inflated to what is was a couple of generations ago. No longer is the emphasis on giving, but on taking. One cannot take without giving back.

And so on....

It is a shame in my mind.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/17/2010 7:29:06 AM

warlock1935

Posts: 66
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Ummm - Well, I'm happy for you that your relationship has lasted eight years, and that you and your partner love and respect each other. I assume from what you say that you have a BDSM relationship. It's been a few years since I've been in what I'd consider a BDSM relationship, DesFIP, but I remember that mine, and those of all my friends who were in them, were loving and respectful.

Now, I don't consider myself an expert on relationships, but I've been around the Scene awhile. I collared my first submissive nearly thirty years ago; these days I'm D/s, High Protocol, and Ritualistic. My longest relationship was what, personally, I'd consider a BDSM 24/7 relationship, and it lasted just under twenty years.

Again, unless the definitions have changed, both BDSM and D/s relationships are by definition loving and respectful. Personally, I see the difference as simply that in a D/s relationship, the focus is less on the Play aspect and more on the spiritual bonding and on the Dominance/submission mental interaction. If you'll reread my post, you'll find that I didn't say that BDSM relationships are just kinky sex - you did. Personally, I see the two types as equally valid, they simply appeal to different tastes. I also, by the way, see "occasional kinky sex in the bedroom" type relationships as also equally valid.

Now, with that in mind, just how do YOU define a BDSM relationship and a D/s relationship?

And I'm curious - why are you so touchy?

... And to the rest of the group - is my post really written so badly that it's THAT easily misread?

~~Warlock

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

You seem to define a bdsm relationship, op, as a sex game.

< Message edited by warlock1935 -- 6/17/2010 7:33:17 AM >

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 15

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/17/2010 8:16:33 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

There are several posters here who have been married or in relationships longer than that. Some of them started vanilla, and didn't do power exchange or S/M until fairly recently, but the relationship itself is still going on. The majority of vanilla relationships don't last longer than that, either. I was a submissive for 3 years and a Domme for 5 years, and both breakups were due to vanilla aspects rather than kink or power exchange incompatibilities.

(in reply to warlock1935)

Post #: 16

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/17/2010 9:00:07 AM

masterlink65

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline

i have owned my slave for 10 years now. i also know several others that have had long lasting M/s relationships. there are many reasons why they last, there are also many reasons why others have failed.

(in reply to warlock1935)

Post #: 17

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/17/2010 10:01:02 AM

dwedeking

Posts: 13
Joined: 6/28/2009
Status: offline

I was in a 24/7 D/s,M/s type relationship (that was also a marriage) that ended after 10 years. The reasons it ended was all the normal reasons that a marriage ends and not specifically related to D/s.

With longer lives (just a hundred years ago you only lived to 50 or 60 tops) it's changes the perspective of a "long term" relationship. Also, as stated before, there has been very drastic changes in society and it's perception of relationships. It used to be that you stayed with someone unless there was something drastically wrong with a relationship (ie abuse) now you just move on cause you don't think the person makes you happy or whatever.

I've found that this lifestyle also tends to polarize people. Meaning you get very specific ideas of what you want and desire. People change over time and as they change those specific ideas or desires no longer match.

(in reply to warlock1935)

Post #: 18

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/17/2010 10:01:30 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: warlock1935

both BDSM and D/s relationships are by definition loving and respectful. Personally, I see the difference as simply that in a D/s relationship, the focus is less on the Play aspect and more on the spiritual bonding and on the Dominance/submission mental interaction...Personally, I see the two types as equally valid, they simply appeal to different tastes.

We aren't being reactive, we are just snickering. Anyone with any serious experience would not say the things you are saying. "Spiritual bonding" can happen in all sorts of relationships and there are plenty of D/s ones where they don't want that.

And to say there are "two types" of anything is rather silly as well.

Here is what you are missing, many of us have extensive real world bdsm experience in large and diverse bdsm communities and quite a few of us know each other in real life. You aren't talking to some chatroom full of wankers who are easily impressed.

(in reply to warlock1935)

Post #: 19

RE: D/s & M/s relationships - 6/17/2010 11:42:54 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: warlock1935

My question is why do D/s & M/s relationships seem to last such a short time? I notice that most don't last more than three to five years.

I find a proliferation of people seeking dominants and submissives rather than men and women that happen to embody the traits they find appealing. There's a huge difference and the threads that follow about the dominant ogre or horrible submissive reflect the things they ignored or failed to explore in depth. The roles and enticement of the exchange eroded their common sense.

Oh, and there's that ego thing as well. Big big big. It grows old after awhile.

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to warlock1935)

Post #: 20

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