Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (Full Version)

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Simone79 -> Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/18/2010 7:53:08 PM)

Alright, it's taken me a huge amount of guts to come on here and ask for advice.  Please be nice? 

I'm in a loving, committed relationship with my husband.  When we first started dating, we played around a bit.  Never anything too serious, but we have purchased some toys and bondage items online.  I used to really try to get husband into play, but I ended up feeling disappointed most times or he just wanted to have sex, so I sort of gave up.  Fast forward a few years and I find myself fantasizing about BDSM play more than ever.  A LOT.  This isn't just some passing phase; I can think back to middle childhood and know that I've always had these feelings.  I think I thought I had pushed them far enough down to just ignore them, but obviously not.

Husband isn't adverse to "playing", but 99% of the time I have to initiate it/suggest what to do/tell him I want more in the moment/etc etc.  I've been trying to get him back into it the past several weeks, but not much has happened.  I find it depressing and demoralizing.  There is SO much I want to do and try, but I fear that these things will always remain a desire and never reality.  Has anyone else had experiences like this?  Is there a way to open your partner up to becoming a better dom when you've been in a relationship so long?  Please help if you can. I'm feeling desperate.



bluefireeyez -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/18/2010 8:17:29 PM)

Communicate how you feel in a very detailed, compassionate way. Tell him if you feel like you need more guidance, structure, or just a good spanking. Keep in mind that it may not be more for him then fun and games. He may not want to live the lifestyle or even play as much as you do.

If you don't talk, you won't ever find out.



wanderingsoul65 -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/18/2010 8:35:10 PM)

As a sub with a VERY nilla husband, I can tell you from experience he may never change. If os, there are 3 options, the right one of which you will need to determine for yourself:

1. Ignore your true feelings as best you can.Frustrating, rto be sure.
2. Communicate your needs clearly if able to do so, and explore if he is opne to you haveing a Dom on the side.
3. Steal away and play, tasting the forbidden fruits in stolen moments. Not without it's shortcomings and risks.



January -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/18/2010 9:29:25 PM)

quote:

I find it depressing and demoralizing.


Hi Simone,

This sentence--especially the word "demoralizing"-- struck me. It implies you have an kink expectation and he is obligated to provide it. As long as you feel you have some right to BDSM with a mainly vanilla partner, you are in trouble. It doesn't matter how many years you've suppressed the urge, or how much you really, really need it. If you attempt to resolve this problem in an abrupt demanding way you are pulling a bait and switch. You picked this man.

I'm speaking as a woman in a twenty year vanilla marriage, who did manage to turn her husband to the dark side. To kinkify a vanilla mate requires a lot of patience and refinement and sensitivity. Think of it as a seduction--a very long term seduction. You will have to figure out his triggers. What will make some aspect of BDSM fun for him? It will not be about fulfilling your fantasies at the beginning. For my man, it was seeing how turned on I got.

To get what you want out of your marriage will take every bit of your maturity and imagination and subtlety.

Your question has been asked hundreds of times on the boards, and every time I sense impatience or crudity, I despair. Neither of those will work.

Good luck,

January



kiwisub12 -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 2:09:47 AM)

If it is service and pain that turn you on, you might see if your husband would agree to a dom for you. Heck, for that matter, he might allow sex.
You don't know until you try.
I'm thinking you would have to be very careful how you addressed this though.



BeautyDebased -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 3:28:50 AM)

Hi,

Had to add to this one though I rarely post on these forums, I have been in a very simular situation myself, with my now ex husband and all i can say from experience is you can hint, suggest, coerce all you like but there is a huge, HUGE difference between a dominant man and a Dom/Master....where that leaves you i have no idea, he may very well change but if it's truly not who he is then it is unlikely, he will probably as my ex did end up doing it to make you happy, but D/s is about the pleasure you receive from knowing your Dom is enjoying it too, hard when he isnt doing it for himself but instead to satisfy you, i think you need to sit him down, have a good talk about how you feel, link him to a few sites and take it from there, i wish you luck.



mstrjx -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 3:48:10 AM)

I believe you have an uphill battle on your hands, but you have read that in other posts. For my own experience, it took me a while to realize that this type of incompatibility was not worth even attempting relationships with vanilla women any longer.

If you truly desire to maintain your relationship and get your husband to understand you, this might help.

http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239

Jeff



ranja -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 4:40:04 AM)

Hi Simone

I have been in your position... like January, longterm loving relationship but something was not quite right and sex was not satisfactory... i managed to turn things around too.

Maybe you could submit more, for instance ask him for permission to masturbate if you want...

Also be patient and manipulate him very carefully

Ask the right questions of him rather than talk about stuff...
in my experience men are not great talkers, and respond negatively if they think you critisize their lovemaking. They quickly think all your well ment 'talking' is nothing more than nagging them, and in my case we just ended up in agruments all the time which was even more demoralising.

It is possible to spice things up however... find the right buttons...
or as someone else said: find a lover on the side... then you'll be a cheat though and if you want to stay with your man that is a very big risk obviously...



DarkSteven -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 4:57:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: January

It implies you have an kink expectation and he is obligated to provide it. As long as you feel you have some right to BDSM with a mainly vanilla partner, you are in trouble. It doesn't matter how many years you've suppressed the urge, or how much you really, really need it. If you attempt to resolve this problem in an abrupt demanding way you are pulling a bait and switch. You picked this man.

January


January, you phrased that beautifully.  I felt the same but couldn't quite get it down on pixels.

OP, you need to take responsibility for this.  YOU have these desires, YOU are pushing him to provide them, and YOU are becoming resentful that he doesn't cater to YOUR fantasy when YOU want it.

I suggest that you develop the mindset that you are there to serve him, at least to some degree.  If you have genuine submissive tendencies and are not simply a do-me type, this should be what you want anyway.  Sit him down and say, "I want to make sure that you are happy in bed.  Are there any fantasies you haven't told me about?"  Then listen to him and see if the two of you can make those fantasies happen.  And take HIS needs every bit as seriously as yours.

To be extremely blunt, you are so focused on your own needs that you might have pushed away his inner Dom if he has one.



Simone79 -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 5:31:27 AM)

Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful responses.  I realize now how my first message came across and I'm sorry for the bluntness.  Maybe I can try to clarify.  I don't feel like quoting each pertinent response I read, but will respond to most of them below.

I've been with my husband for over a decade.  I could NEVER cheat on him, nor would I think of leaving him.  I'm not judging those who do find something on the side, but I know that I couldn't live with myself.  I would rather push it all aside again then destroy our relationship.  But if there is a way to have a bit more while keeping us in tact, I would like to try.

Yes, the world demoralizing was perhaps a bit strong.  I have talked with my husband in the past few weeks about all of this.  I asked him what I could give to him but probably knew before he said it.  I really don't like it but I told him I would do it because it's what he wanted and asked of me.  He said in return that he would try to fulfill some of my other fantasies.  But that hasn't happened and this exchange has happened three times.  So when I used the word demoralizing, that's what I was referring to in my own head.  But I understand why it's harsh. 

My husband has known since we met over 10 years ago about some of the feelings I had.  Perhaps I never communicated to him how strongly those feelings really are though.  We have whips, leather, cuffs, and toys in our bedroom, but these things happen randomly, sometimes never at all, and never stray from light play.  It's like having the right tools but not really making use of them.  Most of the responses here have given me something to think about.  I think I am looking for a way to talk to him to know that I would like to try to move this beyond light and random play.  The suggestion of a book is a good one.  Thank you for that.





leadership527 -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 5:37:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautyDebased
but there is a huge, HUGE difference between a dominant man and a Dom/Master..

This.

Assuming that by a "Dom/Master" Beauty was referring to a kinky sadist then I would have to agree. I'm an extremely dominant male and I've collared my wife in a TPE relationship. But our sex life remains pretty vanilla and always will. I've experimented with sadism and toys and whips & chains and it just plain doesn't ring my chimes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: January
I'm speaking as a woman in a twenty year vanilla marriage, who did manage to turn her husband to the dark side. To kinkify a vanilla mate requires a lot of patience and refinement and sensitivity. Think of it as a seduction--a very long term seduction. You will have to figure out his triggers. What will make some aspect of BDSM fun for him? It will not be about fulfilling your fantasies at the beginning. For my man, it was seeing how turned on I got.
But this also. Originally, Carol suggested we go D/s in order to help me be more sexually assertive (I had some old, old issues from my past). She'd spent 10+ years trying to help in this arena. Taking her as my slave did the trick. The collar became visible "permission" -- which it of course was. So in this case, it was M/s itself which opened the door to becoming more sexually dominant. I mean seriously, if you can't have the sex you want out of your sex slave, then who? *laughs*. But it did take Carol a long time to hit upon the right avenue and exactly as January said, it was a delicate seduction.

One note though... if I knew that the lack of kinky sadism was making Carol miserable, then there's no doubt I'd must something in that area. In the end, I'm a pretty flexible individual and I love my wife an awful lot. I'd never be as fascinated with sexuality as most of the posters here.. that's just not me. But I could definitely dig up some part of myself that enjoyed pretty much anything that was essential to her happiness. Have you communicated lovingly and clearly with him on the topic? And by clearly, I mean in direct, forthright, words of one syllable.



littlewonder -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 5:47:42 AM)

don't nag or push him. don't manipulate him.

Continue to serve him in all ways without having to be told...make him breakfast and dinner, give him massages, soothe him, help him out with things, clean the house, etc...be a good wife.

Don't expect.

Surrender to your husband.

Communicate always.

Surprise him from time to time.

Let him know you still love and adore him for the same man he was when you married him.

My experience has been that if you follow through with this he will find you to be a wife he will do almost anything for because he sees how much you love and care for him.

If he still refuses and you're still unhappy then you have two choices:

1. Continue to be a loving and caring wife as referenced above

2. Move on and choose more carefully the second time around.




ranja -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 6:07:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Simone79

Yes, the world demoralizing was perhaps a bit strong.  I have talked with my husband in the past few weeks about all of this.  I asked him what I could give to him but probably knew before he said it.  I really don't like it but I told him I would do it because it's what he wanted and asked of me.  He said in return that he would try to fulfil some of my other fantasies.  But that hasn't happened and this exchange has happened three times.  So when I used the word demoralizing, that's what I was referring to in my own head.  But I understand why it's harsh. 



I think it is good you are determined to stay with your man and be faithful... i came really close to cheating and understand why others might do it, but i think it is usually better to remain faithful
I do not quite understand your next paragraph... did you do things for him and then he did not do your things?
i can relate to that too... remain patient, for me i think my Husband was more troubled about certain things than i understood He needed reassurance, but not by me telling Him things, it was all in my attitude that made the difference.

If you have the whip... could you ask of  your man if you can make a date for a whipping... and just that, maybe just half an hour. Could you ask if he would be alright with you asking for harder or softer?

Also i think it is really important to see the humour in it... the more you can laugh about things the better in my opinion... does he like chasing you? tickling you?...
We have a pair of leather cuffs, on occasion i might ask if my Husband would please try to put them on me and then i try to fight Him off... it is such fun... and the moment He beats me and i am over powered is just delicious.



Simone79 -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 6:13:53 AM)

quote:

I do not quite understand your next paragraph... did you do things for him and then he did not do your things?
i can relate to that too... remain patient, for me i think my Husband was more troubled about certain things than i understood He needed reassurance, but not by me telling Him things, it was all in my attitude that made the difference.
quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja



Yes sorry, that is what I meant.  I have done things for him but he has not followed through with things in return.  I'm not mad, just frustrated I guess.  Which is probably the word I should have used instead of demoralizing.  [:)]

I am finding reassurance in the things that are being suggested.  Your suggestions in particular are quite helpful.  Now to just find the time and place to have a serious conversation without being too serious or, as DarkSteven said, saying or doing something that pushes him away.



DarkSteven -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 6:23:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

don't nag or push him. don't manipulate him.

Continue to serve him in all ways without having to be told...make him breakfast and dinner, give him massages, soothe him, help him out with things, clean the house, etc...be a good wife.

Don't expect.

Surrender to your husband.

Communicate always.

Surprise him from time to time.

Let him know you still love and adore him for the same man he was when you married him.

My experience has been that if you follow through with this he will find you to be a wife he will do almost anything for because he sees how much you love and care for him.



littlewonder, I love you.

Please check again to verify that you're attached.  If not, let's talk!  [:)]



lally2 -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 6:48:09 AM)

this might be a horrifying idea right now - but i think that maybe its just incomprehension on his part, ie., he's being a bit dim or slow on the up take or he just doesnt realise how important this is to you or he just doesnt feel comfy.

so, the horrifying idea - why not ask him to read up on Ds, you can find stuff on the internet about it all, find some sites that wouldnt terrify him - obviously not here, cos of this thread - but just give him stuff to read, tell him its important to you and leave him with it.

knowledge is power as they say.  good luck



Arpig -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 8:21:00 AM)

You could just nag him so much he gets pissed off and spanks you



ranja -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 9:25:57 AM)

i have no problem with the word demoralizing... i know it felt like that to me at times, it is good when you manage to get some new hope and believe in yourself again... good luck



Missokyst -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 9:39:12 AM)

I think I love you too.
I don't view Ds as kinky stuff we do as sensation play. For me a submissive is someone who needs to cater to their mate. I could do that without anyone ever beating me again. Because I am also a masochist, I enjoy sensation pain play and fortunately I can do that on my own.
It disturbs me that people assume they must be submissive because they want pain.



DesFIP -> RE: Submissive with a slightly 'nilla husband--what to do??? (6/19/2010 11:58:19 AM)

Would he be willing to accompany you to workshops and demos, in order to learn more about it? If so, allow him to learn at his own pace.

Would he be willing to accompany you to dungeons, to be the one providing the aftercare? If he is worried about you playing with other men, then you could get your masochistic needs met playing with dommes or gay doms.



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