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SimplyMichael -> RE: for life? (6/20/2010 8:00:51 AM)
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ORIGINAL: VanillaMaster
I am a vanilla husband of a wonderful loving wife. We have been together 15 great years now and show no signs of slowing down.
In essense, you have done a better job relationship wise than most people posting on this site (or any other) already, including myself.
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However, as change comes to all relationships, ours is now experiencing some bumps. My wife has been harboring nagging feelings for a few years now, and has recently discovered that being a sub may be the way to satisfy those feelings. She has dipped her toes into the lifestyle, and found it to be exactly what she wants. (This is all with my knowledge and agreement - we communicate quite well) She has had a couple brief virtual experiences and one real one with a master, and found that it was SO good, in fact, that she backed away, for fear of falling for the man completely. (for which I am very grateful!)
You are a lucky man to have such a wise wife. Her experience is exactly why I rail against mentoring/training/bs is because it so often is a stalking horse to "get" at the woman. Not only that, few dominants who do that stuff are secure enough to point out what she is "falling" for isn't the amazing dominant but is simply "puppy love" of a different sort. Someone has fantasies for a lifetime and suddenly some guy starts making them come true, a guy who she only sees when he has put effort into being all "perfect"...
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Can a D/s couple survive as a married couple in the long-term? I mean, for life. Are there any out there? How has it worked for you - on a practical and emotional level? How do you reconcile the (currently) constant state of arousal the D/s stuff causes in my wife, with a practical life together of picking up the kids from dance, grocery shopping, dinner with the in-laws, etc...
What happens when it wears out/off - or does it? Can it? Can you manage to compartmentalize it so that for 18 hrs of your day, you are 'off', then you know a certain tim ein the evening is 'playtime'...?
'cause I'm exhausted right now, and I don't know that I can maintain the energy level, or for that matter, the sheer ingenuity required to keep inventing all these scenarios!
Help and advice would be VERY much appreciated from this newbie.
Cheers,
VM
Don't compartmentalize, just BE. The point isn't to become a dominant, it is to be one. What your "dom" side is going to look like will be different than mine or joes, or the guy she experimented with. You are a smart man and realize you need to "play" a bit to your wife just as a musician learns his instrument and plays to its quirks to get the music he wants out of it.
Being a dominant to a newbie is a lot of work, they have all these fantasies of what is "real" and you can either fight against them or harness them. Send her out grocery shopping but tell her to pick a few special vegatables, she will be all horny when you get back, her mind full of ideas, and you did nothing but tell her to get some veggies. Now here is where new dominants fuck up (and because of their new submissives)...she has all these images in her head of what you are going to do with the veggies and you have no clue what they are. If you just ask, the mystery is ruined, if you do what you want, unless you are good and nail it, she is going to feel you did it "wrong". Women love it when you read their mind, so pretend you can. Tell her you know about all the nasty things she was thinking but she can choose only one. Viola, she feels like you are amazing, you get to do what she thinks is hot, and you also, and this is VERY important get to embrace a side of her that she has been embarassed to bring forth.
On some level it is like playing with kids, the trick is to create games where they run around and you get to sit and read so they tire themselves out. Same goes for a new sub who is lost in what we call "sub frenzy"...she is like the female version of an 18yo teenager who is horny 24/7. You need to discover all the things she has been fantasizing about for years (and trust me, she has been and too ashamed to admit it).
Now that is the kinky sex part, the D/s part is both harder and easier. At first, when she is lost in fantasy, she is going to be dreaming about you "putting her in her place" and while that is hot wank material, it doesn't work that way. She felt she had to obey her first dominant but she won't get that that desire came from inside her, probably not from him. How to "do" D/s isn't something you can be told because everyone's style is, or at least should be, unique. Find stuff that is hot and steal it, if it doesn't work, throw it out fearlessly.
Bottom line, is some of these things are going to feel wrong to you, I shouldn't hit my wife, I shouldn't make her get out of bed when she is sick, I shouldn't make her do things she doesn't want to. This is tricky, sometimes they NEED to be made to do things they don't want to do, or things you think YOU should do. I used to struggle with having a woman carry my bags, but she SO wanted to that I let her. To me, this is the hardest stuff to learn. Bottom line however, is you two seem to genuinely care about each other AND the relationship, keep that as your bottom line and you will do okay, both of you will make mistakes but weather it fine.
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