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for life? - 6/19/2010 3:50:17 PM

VanillaMaster

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline

Hello all. Thanks for reading.

I am a vanilla husband of a wonderful loving wife. We have been together 15 great years now and show no signs of slowing down.

However, as change comes to all relationships, ours is now experiencing some bumps. My wife has been harboring nagging feelings for a few years now, and has recently discovered that being a sub may be the way to satisfy those feelings. She has dipped her toes into the lifestyle, and found it to be exactly what she wants. (This is all with my knowledge and agreement - we communicate quite well) She has had a couple brief virtual experiences and one real one with a master, and found that it was SO good, in fact, that she backed away, for fear of falling for the man completely. (for which I am very grateful!)

I find myself now in a puzzling position. I want to be a supportive husband, and I could continue to let her explore other masters. But I am quite realistically afraid (I think) that it will inevitably lead to an emotional connection that would harm our marriage. So I have tried to step into that role recently - and despite my naturally vanilla tendencies, I think I could probably get to where she needs me to be, with work. But there is obviously learning to be done, and a more pressing question plagues me with doubt.

Can a D/s couple survive as a married couple in the long-term? I mean, for life. Are there any out there? How has it worked for you - on a practical and emotional level? How do you reconcile the (currently) constant state of arousal the D/s stuff causes in my wife, with a practical life together of picking up the kids from dance, grocery shopping, dinner with the in-laws, etc...
What happens when it wears out/off - or does it? Can it? Can you manage to compartmentalize it so that for 18 hrs of your day, you are 'off', then you know a certain tim ein the evening is 'playtime'...?
'cause I'm exhausted right now, and I don't know that I can maintain the energy level, or for that matter, the sheer ingenuity required to keep inventing all these scenarios!

Help and advice would be VERY much appreciated from this newbie.
Cheers,
VM

Post #: 1

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 3:57:38 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Hi vanilla,

I'm trying to get a handle on your relationship. Can you tell me, if your wife's interest in BDSM is so recent, why you have had a profile on collarme for five years?

Thanks,

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to VanillaMaster)

Post #: 2

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 4:18:58 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

Greetings and welcome,

Before I address the questions, let me comment that you are absolutely doing the right thing in trying to be active in your wife's interests. There is another thread going on in another room where the diverging incompatibility between a couple is unfortunate to read about.

Having said that, my best advice is that, as dominant, it is up to you to set the tone. Yes, your wife gets excited during these activities. Yes, that can be exciting for you too, as well as exhausting. But a relationship of this dynamic is about your leadership. It's up to you to set the tone; be the responsible one if you need to be.

Dominance does not need to be about play, or about the bedroom exclusively. You can keep up the heat, if you wish, between times as well. What you say to your wife, or how, can keep her mentally stimulated (and more and more 'yours'), and if you're clever enough you can do this even in the midst of the in-laws, grocery store, neighbors, kids, etc.

Hope this helps.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to January)

Post #: 3

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 4:30:31 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

I think you need to seriously sit down with her and ask her what it is she specifically is interested in. While yes, it is up to the Dominant to decide and set the pace, that works only as far as your relationship survives because you are both fulfilled. You have time/energy limitations, she has interests. You have to find a way to bring those together.

This isn't any different than any other part of your 15 year relationship. Our relationships aren't special or different. You have the foundation already to communicate and care, you are quite lucky, many couples coming here asking the same questions do not. You are looking at making a change, how do you do that and both remain happy? The same way you're made all the other changes and accomations for 15 years. While it may be intimidating, it's not different.

As far as D/s and BDSM goes, there are tons of sites, checklists, groups, etc. to look at and get a feel for what other people do for a starting place, but the bottom line is this, you have all the information you need right there with the two of you. Talk. Be honest, both about your hesitations and limitations and try to meet in the middle. There are no right answers other than what the two of you agree to.

Good luck!

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 6/19/2010 4:37:18 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to VanillaMaster)

Post #: 4

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 4:57:21 PM

VanillaMaster

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline

um - I just joined today. I'm pretty sure that's what my profile says, unless I did something wrong...?
VM

(in reply to January)

Post #: 5

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 5:19:50 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Hi,

Maybe there's something strange with the collarme computer system (like a Y2K bug); on the left side of your posts it has your name and an image of an ice cream cone, and below that the number of posts, and it says you joined 12/31/2005.

Weird! You wouldn't have done anything wrong!

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to VanillaMaster)

Post #: 6

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 5:21:29 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Mine says he joined "1/1/2006".

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(in reply to January)

Post #: 7

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 5:21:45 PM

VanillaMaster

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline

Thank you both for your thoughts. We will continue to talk and explore things together...

And though I understand that change and growth ARE a part of relationships - as is work - I also know that something many long-time married couples (myself, so far) enjoy is a level of comfort. It's one of the things that draws us to each other, and helps us stay together. After the thrill of falling in love has faded, there must be a comfort and enjoyment in the other person that continues for the rest of the relationship.
I am (so far) having a hard time visualizing how a D/s relationship goes over time, when it seems so much of the appeal is IN the thrill / excitement of pushing boundaries and discovering new things. Once you've pushed all those boundaries (and lets face it, there are only so many to be pushed without getting into some really exotic territory) where does the D/s thrill come from? Is it still exciting submitting to the same master in the same way many times over?
Maybe the answer is yes, in which case - awesome!

I know a counter argument could be "straight sex gets boring too if you don't keep spicing it up" and while that's sometimes true, it's also why sex often wanes in a relationship, to be supplanted by other (ideally shared) activities - - sports, arts, entertainment, family, etc... Do longterm D/s couples replace the activity (turn back into vanilla?) or do they have to keep pushing boundaries?

Of course, on these boards I seem to see new folks, or people looking for partners (so, new relationships). There probably are no lifetime married D/s couples on the boards - why would there be? But that's who I'd really like to talk to, I think, to see at least one perspective on how it is possible...
:-)
Thanks again!
VM

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 8

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 5:28:24 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Hi Vanilla,

Asking for advice from lifetime D/s married couples might be asking for too much... I mean wouldn't that mean a lifetime of couplehood would have to pass before they'd meet your standards?

Besides, how can you expect the longevity of an average D/s relationship would have to surpass a vanilla one? How about asking for folks who've lasted in a D/s relationship for 5 years or longer?

There are several of those long-term D/s couples here. Just read and enjoy....

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to VanillaMaster)

Post #: 9

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 5:30:30 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

fast reply

If someone else had the name "vanillaMaster" and then retired it, and then he took up the name, it would show the date joined as that of the original name owner

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to January)

Post #: 10

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 5:30:47 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

There is actually a persons profile you should seek out, I believe the exact handle is Leadership285 (im not sure)

But he and his wife have been married for MANY years, and he came to this after many years of marriage and well their relationship is jealousy inspiring..:(

There are many who are in long term relationships that last several years if not longer, and some if not more then some end up in a long term marriage.

Relationships arent special because you add a ds label to them, they are relationships its jsut a different dynamic adding the kink to it, The best advice is to talk to your wife,

Also possibly going to munches or play parties in your area, where public play is allowed, it allows for scenes that you can watch, and go home together.

(in reply to VanillaMaster)

Post #: 11

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 5:32:54 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VanillaMaster

Thank you both for your thoughts. We will continue to talk and explore things together...

And though I understand that change and growth ARE a part of relationships - as is work - I also know that something many long-time married couples (myself, so far) enjoy is a level of comfort. It's one of the things that draws us to each other, and helps us stay together. After the thrill of falling in love has faded, there must be a comfort and enjoyment in the other person that continues for the rest of the relationship.
I am (so far) having a hard time visualizing how a D/s relationship goes over time, when it seems so much of the appeal is IN the thrill / excitement of pushing boundaries and discovering new things. Once you've pushed all those boundaries (and lets face it, there are only so many to be pushed without getting into some really exotic territory) where does the D/s thrill come from? Is it still exciting submitting to the same master in the same way many times over?
Maybe the answer is yes, in which case - awesome!

I know a counter argument could be "straight sex gets boring too if you don't keep spicing it up" and while that's sometimes true, it's also why sex often wanes in a relationship, to be supplanted by other (ideally shared) activities - - sports, arts, entertainment, family, etc... Do longterm D/s couples replace the activity (turn back into vanilla?) or do they have to keep pushing boundaries?

Of course, on these boards I seem to see new folks, or people looking for partners (so, new relationships). There probably are no lifetime married D/s couples on the boards - why would there be? But that's who I'd really like to talk to, I think, to see at least one perspective on how it is possible...
:-)
Thanks again!
VM

There are lifetime married couples on the boards.

The answer of how it keeps going is the same as with any relationship. There's a thread about the longeivity of d/s relationships on the boards right now. I think if you concentrate on only kink, it probably won't last. However, like any relationship, if you have compatiblity and genuinely care enough to put in the effort the relationship will survive. I wouldn't focus on the kink as being anything different. Like sex, it's just icing on the cake. If you don't have the cake to begin with, the icing is kinda worthless.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 6/19/2010 5:34:11 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to VanillaMaster)

Post #: 12

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 5:40:13 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

quote:

There are lifetime married couples on the boards.

To me, a lifetime couple means one member of the couple is dead. And the one still alive never remarries.

Or the couple just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.

Dunno. I would never say my husband and I were a lifetime couple. Even after 29 years of marriage (9 of them kinky).

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 13

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 5:50:53 PM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

Good for you.

Many would say life time after 29 years.

Many would say lifetime after 10 years because they are optimistic.

Judging by many of your posts, I can see your husband looking longingly at the open road right now.

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to January)

Post #: 14

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 6:05:12 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

To me, a lifetime couple means one member of the couple is dead. And the one still alive never remarries.

So, if I never remarry after my divorce, does this count? So far I haven't...lol

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to January)

Post #: 15

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 6:34:02 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Judging by many of your posts, I can see your husband looking longingly at the open road right now.

I guess I asked for that: since I'm in a happy, fulfilling relationship. And I'm human.

And you're not.

Too bad, so sad for you.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 16

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 6:35:41 PM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

Good for you.

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to January)

Post #: 17

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 6:36:25 PM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline

VanillaMaster...first, you keep speaking of D/s as some exotic, kinky thing. it is not, it is really a rather mundane and ordinary way of interacting in Male/female relationships since the dawn of humanity. it is natural for one to lead, and another to follow.

so i'm thinking that you are really not talking about "D/s" at all, but more bdsm activities or kink/erotic activities. those are things which of course will vary greatly from couple to couple, but they are absolutely not necessary for a D/s or even M/s relationship. from what you have described thus far, it seems that your wife is interested in the kink aspect perhaps more so than the everyday D/s aspect.

because D/s, when it is in accordance with one's true nature, IS everyday life. it is grocery shopping, paying the bills, raising children, etc. the difference between doing these things in a D/s relationship and doing them within a vanilla/egalitarian relationship, is that rather than sharing the authority or control, it is solely in the Dominant partner's hands. the difference is that the submissive partner is expected to be accepting of and obedient to the Dominant partner's will...so, no petty arguments or battles over one person getting their way. it can be a very beautiful, very peaceful way to go about life.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 18

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 7:24:07 PM

AlexandraLynch

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline

Some of the D/S with and around regular life is the most fun part. Groping someone when their hands are full of clean laundry, for example. Control games played at the grocery store. (Let's not even get into watching someone blush when you buy fresh ginger....) I'm sure you're used to all the times through the day where you say I love you and do little considerate things or make the little comments that tell her you still find her sexy. It's like that, just reminding him I have the power, you don't , it turns us both on, and when the kids go to Grandma's Saturday night, your ass and my paddle have an appointment..... (giggle) Stuff like that.

_____________________________

I use fastreply. Don't take offence where none is meant.

Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

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Post #: 19

RE: for life? - 6/19/2010 7:37:16 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

@Vanilla

This sounds a lot like Carol and I. I agree with your handling so far.. including the very realistic concern about emotional bonds forming which would harm your marriage. Carol and I managed this transition quite well. For us, however, this was not an erotic journey. If you're wife is experiencing her submission as "kink" then I can't offer much.

One might hope that your wife will eventually realize that sex is just sex and cannot occupy one's entire life. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to be all excited with the new energy of it. But let's hope she settles down.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to VanillaMaster)

Post #: 20

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