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RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/21/2010 8:39:47 PM   
SirsJewel


Posts: 696
Joined: 3/23/2010
Status: offline 		i have many deep embedded trust issues,outwardly i'm friendly and giving freely of myself to serve,but deep down i craved a dominate i could open myself up to challenges and abilities longed shelved overtime out of fear of change. It's scary as heck,but the person you find can aid that within reason,you still have to want it and do the work. i would never have anyone meet me and think "she's submissive",just took some things to spark my curiousity and open minded people to encourage my growth, The same should be true for you,one step at a time. i read voraciously,gaining knowledge and keep asking myself am i happy? Do i have something to offer of myself this way? Is this me? And more and more the answer - it is now ~ jewels 

_____________________________

God grant me the serenity to accept people for who they are and not whom i wish they could be ~ jewels

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/21/2010 8:39:49 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		As he and I began getting to know each other, I frankly didn't care all that much if he didn't like who I was.  It was more important for me to be myself than to impress anyone.  Because of that, there wasn't any fear of him rejecting who I was, which, I must say, was a first for me.  I came at this completely differently than any past relationship.

As we progressed forward and began talking about more personal thoughts and experiences, I was a lot more cautious.  I just didn't want to compromise myself again. I didn't want to give too much of myself if it wasn't going to work out.  I wanted to be sure that, if it didn't work out, I wouldn't look back and think "Aw damn....what did I give him THAT for?"

So he and I were just really careful and moved forward very slowly.  I would share bits of myself as I felt ready to, and he didn't push for it, since he felt it was best if the relationship developed in its own time, naturally.  Opening my mind to him was scary - there was so much misuse of that in my past.  I think what really helped was how much he opened up to me, too.  Also helpful was how he received what I did share.  This was key in my ability to trust him with more. 

Now, a year in, I am comfortable sharing any of my thoughts and feelings, but in all seriousness, it took almost the whole year to get to this.  I had to feel emotionally safe, and he gives me that.  Without it, I'd still be closed up....or single.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 2:41:13 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

lally,

I think you first have to identify why you do it, so you know WHEN you are. Then, find the right guy and be honest about the fact you have a hard time with it and go from there. The greatest guy in the world isn't going to stick around with you sabotaging if he doesn't know what's going on. I think you really need to figure you out and then tell him honestly that you are afraid.


yes! - which is why this is so important to me right now - youre right i need to figure out why i hold back from expressing me openly. xx



When you figure out the why, you will know how.

I know that sounds like a cliche, but I really do think it is the answer. Fear is best conquered with knowlege in most cases in my opinion.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 2:54:15 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Be strong. Play for keeps. It's either all-in or fold. That's the only game in town... or at least it's the only game I personally have any interest in playing. the whole armed-encampment model of marriage just doesn't work for me.


im determined to get to grips with this now! - now i have two little mantras - all in or fold, and, ive got nothing to lose.  so when i can feel myself holding back ill just repeat those two in my head.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 3:00:15 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3


quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

lally,

I think you first have to identify why you do it, so you know WHEN you are. Then, find the right guy and be honest about the fact you have a hard time with it and go from there. The greatest guy in the world isn't going to stick around with you sabotaging if he doesn't know what's going on. I think you really need to figure you out and then tell him honestly that you are afraid.


yes! - which is why this is so important to me right now - youre right i need to figure out why i hold back from expressing me openly. xx



When you figure out the why, you will know how.

I know that sounds like a cliche, but I really do think it is the answer. Fear is best conquered with knowlege in most cases in my opinion.


i worked it out last night - it stems from when i was a kid.  i dont believe my mum meant to, she had alot on her plate, but she never showed any interest in anything i said, from quite small all the way through.  so in the end i got to thinking that nothing i had to say was of much importance or interest - i remember thinking that and so since quite young i lost the confidence to talk to anyone openly and i developed a stammer which made it even worse.

oh well,  - nows the time to fix that!

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 3:03:50 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry if you said that before, I didn't read the whole thread, just your response to me.

Good for you! I'm very happy that you're taking this step.

You have mail.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 3:12:23 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirsJewel

i have many deep embedded trust issues,outwardly i'm friendly and giving freely of myself to serve,but deep down i craved a dominate i could open myself up to challenges and abilities longed shelved overtime out of fear of change. It's scary as heck,but the person you find can aid that within reason,you still have to want it and do the work. i would never have anyone meet me and think "she's submissive",just took some things to spark my curiousity and open minded people to encourage my growth, The same should be true for you,one step at a time. i read voraciously,gaining knowledge and keep asking myself am i happy? Do i have something to offer of myself this way? Is this me? And more and more the answer - it is now ~ jewels 


yes, outwardly me too - in fact it came as a bit of a surprise to me to realise that i havent been giving it all - i thought i was.  so deeply ingrained to give to others i never considered it was about anything else or that anyone would even expect more than that.

i remember with my exSir once, we were having a picnic and i started talking passionately about something without thinking, it all just splurted out and he made more than a passing comment on how beautiful i was when i just let myself talk openly.  and another Master said more or less the same.  so it isnt that this hasnt been noticed before or commented on, but i didnt take it in fully then.

but i realise in order for me to fully submit and for Him to fully know me i have to give this last bit, which is in fact the biggest bit - *me*

now i want to overcome this but its about overcoming a life time of silence (except when i write, i can do it when i write )

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to SirsJewel)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 3:14:41 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Make a journal. Express the things you want to say to him first in writing if that's where you are most comfortable it's also a good tool to see how far you have come. Then follow through and tell him. Be patient, changing old conditioning takes time.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 3:23:21 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

As he and I began getting to know each other, I frankly didn't care all that much if he didn't like who I was.  .


hi

i dont think its that i worry if a person will like me enough - im sufficiently ok with myself for that not to matter so much.  its more the confidence in speaking up or saying how i feel - when i think about it in fact i can feel it in my solar plexus, its a place inside me thats closed.

when i try to open it, like i just did now all i feel is this overwhelming desire to cry - but it feels like relief more than anything. 

somewhere along there is a connection between the confidence to open myself up verbally to someone and feel the emotions attached to those words.  as opposed to nattering ten to the dozen about claptrap (which i can do all day) that has no feel to it.  its just claptrap.  am i making sense

< Message edited by lally2 -- 6/22/2010 3:24:41 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 3:38:26 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Ok, I'm now thinking that my first post here and the one in your "openness" thread both suck, that what you're really describing is just basic trust that any and all relationships need to get off the ground...?

My original perspective was waaaaay past there; that I thought you were asking of those occasional times where the girl is conflicted and thus embarrassed or unsure whether to "spill" as to what's clearly got her distracted or preoccupied etc.

Lol, my bad and please continue to ignore my contributions in both threads....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 3:42:50 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		thanks laurell xxx  ive written back. xx

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 3:44:47 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Ok, I'm now thinking that my first post here and the one in your "openness" thread both suck, that what you're really describing is just basic trust that any and all relationships need to get off the ground...?

My original perspective was waaaaay past there; that I thought you were asking of those occasional times where the girl is conflicted and thus embarrassed or unsure whether to "spill" as to what's clearly got her distracted or preoccupied etc.

Lol, my bad and please continue to ignore my contributions in both threads....

Focus.


blows Focus a big kiss  - i like reading youre posts, so No - lol -

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 4:31:25 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeanutTigerinBox

I used to keep my mind to myself until about 10 years ago...since then I am rather blunt....of course there are some topics which are mine and which aren't just for anyone but most of my stuff I am open about it and not really bothered.

Sometimes I also think it can actually help to scare guys off... which isn't a bad thing before wasting too much time on him...

Therefoe most of the time opening up is rather easy for me ... but that was also a rather serious learning curve, which is why by now I do not leave much hidden as such...I experienced when I was younger the negative sides when you can't open up due to your environment you are in and when it internally eats off on you...hence why I am not having any of it anymore...or certainly not with a potential partner. therefore either he is very accomodating in regards to communication and we get to know each other quite open or we won't get very far in the first place.




may i ask what made you hit that learning curve.

a while ago i did learn to stand up for myself because of that 'eats off on you' - i used to internalise the hurt people inflicted on me and realised that whilst theyd sailed on and forgotten all about it, i was still being eaten.  so now, though i have to really push myself, unless im angry and then it all just flies out my gob - i shovel it back at them.  its never nice but at least i can close the door on that and move on too.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to PeanutTigerinBox)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 7:23:11 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

you see, its all a bit confused

how do you  - there thats the question ive no idea how else to ask this


Lally, I agree with Merc and Jeff on this one. However, if you have a history of choosing partners who are not safe to share with it isn't going to be safe to share until you learn to pick partners who you can share with. Its a funny balancing act, often in sharing and risking yourself, you help your partner do the same. I think the GOAL should be all in but you don't do that at the beginning, I think it is like a turtle, you open up a bit, see if they are okay and keep going.

If they do not make a safe place, try and help them understand how and why to create one. If they leap at the chance, keep going, if they don't keep going ON...and find someone who will.

For ME, being open is an absolute requirement for me to even be attracted to someone. When I meet those women who I can tell are not wearing masks, who are not putting up fronts, my "ears" perk up. Women who can't communicate clearly and openly with me do not remain in my life even if I cared deeply about them.

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: opening up to your Dominant - 6/22/2010 7:59:20 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

However, if you have a history of choosing partners who are not safe to share with it isn't going to be safe to share until you learn to pick partners who you can share with. Its a funny balancing act, often in sharing and risking yourself, you help your partner do the same. I think the GOAL should be all in but you don't do that at the beginning, I think it is like a turtle, you open up a bit, see if they are okay and keep going.


Michael,
Why? Or - sharpening the point of the question - why be hesitant (sharper still would replace hesitant with afraid) to show yourself naked as you really are?

Your qualifier; "see if they are okay and keep going" requires other people's permission to be yourself. Granted you have to do that in some business settings but there is no good reason for setting that standard for behavior in social settings or setting the foundation for a relationship.

Who isn't is "safe" to share yourself? The answer to me would be people you shouldn't have a friends, or even acquaintances, in the first place. Full disclosure to observe their reaction, or how they handle the information disclosed, is empowering to YOU. On the knowledge building side of the equation, why pass up any opportunity to validate your opinion of others by first hand observation? For yourself - it is a chance to have your philosophy, or in some cases your personality and identity, tested.

Tests are good. They serve as opportunity to learn or confirm things about yourself. Can you handle your identity and are you strong enough to exhibit it to the extent of being proud of the image it conveys to other people even when their reaction is distance and disgust? If so - you are strong and confident. If you aren't you retreat back into your turtle shell. Granted its a safe and long existence, predators may not be able to crack that shell, but that type of existence is much too slow and gets in the way of opportunistic FUN!

Dom or sub qualified fun requiring qualified disclosure of yourself is not FUN! Who whats to think on those terms for a relationship or even friendship? Is a 'turtle' the image you want to convey? Hell, even the 'Mutant Ninja' variety were pretty sad and they had 'super powers'!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 8:32:04 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2
blows Focus a big kiss  - i like reading youre posts, so No - lol -
Well sheez... now THAT wasn't very submissive of you... LOLOLOLOLOL

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 8:47:02 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Merc,

I very much believe in being yourself, I think it is probably one of the core reasons you and I enjoy each other, we are very much ourselves, raw and uncensored.

When I wrote that I was speaking to the sorts of people who get fucked over, who choose protectors, who have a history of choosing bad partners. They tend to be open with the wrong people and closed with the very ones they should be open with.

I wouldn't be with a partner I didn't trust implicitly and while that is a goal, like openness, it is also one easily abused. So, till you learn to pick people worthy of that trust, it is best to be a bit cautious with trust. The goal IS to run free, to be open and honest, but first some people need to learn to walk and I was trying to describe the path to get there.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: opening up to your Dominant - 6/22/2010 8:56:21 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth



Michael,
Why? Or - sharpening the point of the question - why be hesitant (sharper still would replace hesitant with afraid) to show yourself naked as you really are?

Who isn't is "safe" to share yourself? The answer to me would be people you shouldn't have a friends, or even acquaintances, in the first place. Full disclosure to observe their reaction, or how they handle the information disclosed, is empowering to YOU. On the knowledge building side of the equation, why pass up any opportunity to validate your opinion of others by first hand observation? For yourself - it is a chance to have your philosophy, or in some cases your personality and identity, tested.




Holy shit, We agree... again?...:)

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: opening up to your Dominant - 6/22/2010 8:57:06 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth


Who isn't is "safe" to share yourself? The answer to me would be people you shouldn't have a friends, or even acquaintances, in the first place. Full disclosure to observe their reaction, or how they handle the information disclosed, is empowering to YOU. On the knowledge building side of the equation, why pass up any opportunity to validate your opinion of others by first hand observation? For yourself - it is a chance to have your philosophy, or in some cases your personality and identity, tested.





Great post Merc. I agree.


The reality is if you fail that test, you would have eventually anyway. We can only be true to ourselves and look for others whose trueness also fits.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: opening up to youre Dominant - 6/22/2010 3:27:36 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

.Lally, I agree with Merc and Jeff on this one. However, if you have a history of choosing partners who are not safe to share with it isn't going to be safe to share until you learn to pick partners who you can share with. Its a funny balancing act, often in sharing and risking yourself, you help your partner do the same. I think the GOAL should be all in but you don't do that at the beginning, I think it is like a turtle, you open up a bit, see if they are okay and keep going.

If they do not make a safe place, try and help them understand how and why to create one. If they leap at the chance, keep going, if they don't keep going ON...and find someone who will.

For ME, being open is an absolute requirement for me to even be attracted to someone. When I meet those women who I can tell are not wearing masks, who are not putting up fronts, my "ears" perk up. Women who can't communicate clearly and openly with me do not remain in my life even if I cared deeply about them.


to be perfectly honest it wasnt them that failed to be open it was me  - i believe people enjoy my company, but that isnt the same as being open from the inside out. 

ive often wondered how it is, when im usually the one making people laugh and chattering away, im not the one people make really close friendships with.  i realised to day at the yard where i keep my horse that its the people who just talk openly about whatever is going on in their lives that end up creating a close bond.  i do keep people at arms length - ive really started to notice it now.


_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 40
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