Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (Full Version)

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LadyCimarron -> Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 8:04:03 AM)

(I apologize in advance if this has been discussed before, I tried to do a search on it.)

I have been wondering if a great number of kinksters are only in it because of the “forbidden fruit” edge.  If the lifestyle was considered more acceptable, I think a number of people may not be in it at all.  One of my friends told me “stolen cookies taste better.” Meaning some people enjoy something BECAUSE its taboo. For myself the deviant aspect does nothing for me. But I think it does attract some people who would otherwise not be interested in the lifestyle.

So what you do think? Are there people in the lifestyle who are only attracted to it only because it is considered deviant?  Would removing the deviant aspect cause a large number of people to leave the scene?



Jeffff -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 8:06:38 AM)

Not for me. I like to tie women up, beat them and bang them and assorted other things.

If everyone on my block did it, we would never get any sleep maybe, but I wouldn't stop.



gedienstig -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 8:08:51 AM)

I don't think a lot of people would be lost, but that's because the only reference point that I can think of is homosexuality. It is not that once we accepted them, there were a lot less homosexuals. I think it might have increased, but one never knows since before we were open about homosexuality there were a lot of in the closet gay men and women, so it's hard to compare. If they are only in this lifestyle because it is forbidden, I don't think they really are into the lifestyle as much as they are in some single dates and do some kinky stuff once in a while. But I'm sure there are some people who are in this for the forbidde fruit-aspect, but I think it's only a small part...



mistoferin -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 8:11:25 AM)

quote:

So what you do think? Are there people in the lifestyle who are only attracted to it only because it is considered deviant? Would removing the deviant aspect cause a large number of people to leave the scene?


Absolutely. On both counts.



KnightofMists -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 8:13:47 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyCimarron

So what you do think? Are there people in the lifestyle who are only attracted to it only because it is considered deviant?  Would removing the deviant aspect cause a large number of people to leave the scene?



I don't believe that it is a conscious choice to be in this lifestyle because of the alternative aspects of it. But I do suspect that in part some of these individuals lack an sort of positive ego in the more mainstream world and being apart of this world uplifts their ego. The 'deviant' or wild side aspect is what increases their own egos because in the mundane world they are just another shade of grey. The irony, they are only not grey in comparison to the mainstream world, but within this lifestyle... they are just another shade of grey.



leadership527 -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 8:24:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyCimarron
One of my friends told me “stolen cookies taste better.” Meaning some people enjoy something BECAUSE its taboo.

Of course stolen cookies taste better. But stop and think a moment. Out of all the bazillion different cookies that could've been stolen, why THESE particular ones?

Put differently, stolen cookies only taste better if one likes cookies. If you found cookies vile and nasty, you'd steal cake instead.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
But I do suspect that in part some of these individuals lack an sort of positive ego in the more mainstream world and being apart of this world uplifts their ego.
Agreed.... or, at least, I agree that it in some way feeds them to be set apart. And I don't think it is "some" of these individuals. I would call it a very significant meme in the BDSM culture.

We were just at the MAST meeting a few days ago and Carol and I were both struck by how everyone there seemed to think that vanillas were out to get them. We still have our feet planted pretty firmly in the world of vanilla sensibilities and we just don't see it. And some of the things we heard were outlandish -- as if ordering dinner for your date were an unheard of thing only done by kinky dominants who had "control" over their subs food intake. On the way home I was laughing with Carol because I'd been ordering dinner.... or at least giving the order to the server.... for my dates for 20+ years because my father told me it was gentlemanly. I have never once gotten the alleged "raised eyebrows" and whatnot from a server when I have ordered for a date.

It was very clear that these people felt some need to accentuate the differences. Carol and I were both laughing because we agreed that the wagons had been circled but there were no Indians in sight. All of which makes it rather amusing to hear complaints about lack of acceptance.



LadyPact -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 8:28:34 AM)

LadyC, I think it's possible that you may have something for a very small fragment of folks involved in BDSM.  Unlike the parallel to homosexuality, I see this very small group of folks more to the tune of those who will go out every once in a while and shoplift something from a store, even though they absolutely can afford to pay for it.  They do this more for the thrill of danger of getting caught or perhaps for attention's sake.  They don't steal anything of much value, nor would they steal in someone's private home.  It's a form of adreniline junkie on a very small scale.  The rush is in the not getting caught, allowing themselves to be a 'bad' person, and no one knowing it.

I can see how this could be turned to those who only have the occasional interest in BDSM.  That infrequent sneak off to the club or follow through on that one night encounter every so often.  Aside from that, no real interest in this other than the adreniline rush, engaging in activities that they feel 'bad' people do, but no real draw other than that.



juliaoceania -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 8:41:23 AM)

I think that those into the sexual part of it, you know, those of us that have had this deep need for this since or before puberty, we aren't going anywhere because this behavior becomes normalized....

In fact I think that the "lifestyle" has become rather a fad for its fashion statements, the exclusiveness of belonging to a club... etc. I think more people do this as a result of the popularity, not less...

I remember hearing that only 5% of people experiment with BDSM, or something like that (don't know if that is correct), but my partners were tying me up and I was begging them to be rough with me, since I was 18.... whatever that means for me, I don't know.





mistoferin -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 8:44:01 AM)

I think that there is more than a few people to which BDSM is the latest, hottest trend...and it definitely has that attractive "off the chain taboo" factor. Look at the attendance at fetish events and the sheer numbers of the stand and model crowd. They aint here because it strikes a chord at their very core, that's for sure.



LadyCimarron -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 8:48:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyCimarron
One of my friends told me “stolen cookies taste better.” Meaning some people enjoy something BECAUSE its taboo.

Of course stolen cookies taste better. But stop and think a moment. Out of all the bazillion different cookies that could've been stolen, why THESE particular ones?

Put differently, stolen cookies only taste better if one likes cookies. If you found cookies vile and nasty, you'd steal cake instead.

True and agreed. But the lifestyle itself is a bit of an umbrella for many different types of sexuality that are considered deviant. All sorts of behaviors are practiced and placed within this lifestyle whether they are technically bdsm or not. (poly, beastiality, prostitution) Some right here on these boards consider just about anything that is practiced between a Dom and sub to be part of the bdsm lifestyle (reference the pro ana, pro mia thread). Maybe this is why many want THESE cookies. For some in this lifestyle you can eat cake and call it cookies.




BrokenRadio -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 8:55:56 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyCimarron

So what you do think? Are there people in the lifestyle who are only attracted to it only because it is considered deviant?  Would removing the deviant aspect cause a large number of people to leave the scene?


I will admit that the "dirtiness" of an act makes it more effectively enjoyable to me.

It is, in many ways, part of a larger interaction with the lifestyle. In many ways, the taboo-aspect provides the "excitement" while issues of control and power tend to dominate (no pun!) the longer-term aspects of ensuring that the lifestyle makes "sense".



juliaoceania -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 9:04:06 AM)

quote:

ook at the attendance at fetish events and the sheer numbers of the stand and model crowd. They aint here because it strikes a chord at their very core, that's for sure.


I have always wanted to do that though.... wear 6 inch heals ( I would be like 6 foot 4) and a playboy bunny type outfit with a black velvet cape... fishnets, and have some yummy dominant leading me through on a leash....but I have weird fantasies.



leadership527 -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 9:09:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyCimarron
Some right here on these boards consider just about anything that is practiced between a Dom and sub to be part of the bdsm lifestyle (reference the pro ana, pro mia thread). Maybe this is why many want THESE cookies. For some in this lifestyle you can eat cake and call it cookies.

Perhaps, but down the path of "what is and is not BDSM" lies madness *chuckles*. And your post wasn't really about that anyway. It was about the thrill of the forbidden.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 9:12:25 AM)

Ditto to Erin.

When I was younger I used to get accused of "wanting to shock" a lot. I didn't realize my 8 year old fantasies would be considered so shocking to the world.

I just am who I am. I'd prefer it if the world took all that we do and all that we chose as "no big deal" because that's exactly what it is.

I'd settle for kinksters themselves realizing "it's no big deal."



mnottertail -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 9:26:13 AM)

From CCR:

Take you a glass of water;
Make it against the law.....
See how good the water tastes;
when you can't have any at all...

but I don't think that saying all is fair in love and war would end life as we know it and folks would start jumping off bridges in droves......



SimplyMichael -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 9:39:17 AM)

If everyone was having kinky sex there would very much be a part of me that would be all into making sweet soft love to a woman.



domiguy -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 9:43:59 AM)

Since I am not part of the community, since I don't really speak to many about what I do, I don't really see any type of a correlation.

I still like apple pie. What others enjoy has very little impact on my own pursuits unless I am introduced to something new.



DarkSteven -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 9:45:07 AM)

I don't get it. To me, the lifestyle means me being subtly in control outside the bedroom, and kinky inside it. The only people who would leave if were de-tabooed are the kinky sex only folks and I don't see them as being lifestylers...



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 9:46:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Ditto to Erin.

When I was younger I used to get accused of "wanting to shock" a lot. I didn't realize my 8 year old fantasies would be considered so shocking to the world.

I just am who I am. I'd prefer it if the world took all that we do and all that we chose as "no big deal" because that's exactly what it is.

I'd settle for kinksters themselves realizing "it's no big deal."

So far this post resonates with me on a personal level, there's a few things I'm into that don't seem like any big deal. Things I can live with or without, that's how much of big deal it is. LOL. There have been a few times though, where somebody freaked out over some of my kinks. Where they themselves made a much bigger deal out it.

I don't know, it's like anything else, the more you do the more you get used to it, and don't sit around thinking twice about it. I think some people get carried away with fantasy of being deviant, then after they have done it, it really becomes no big deal. There's a point in time when it's just not about Kinks anymore. Think what trips people up, that OMG moment realizing that relationships come along with the territory. Be it close interpersonal ones, a friendship or whatever else.



hejira92 -> RE: Are there people only attracted to the deviance of this lifestyle (6/21/2010 10:05:33 AM)

There is the recent goth/kinky/S&M fad in the media. It's hot to be "edgy". I think many of those types will fade out with time and as the fad passes.

For me, I was initially attracted to the kinky sex and control exchange in the bedroom, but as I learned more about it, and more about myself, it became clear that I needed dominance outside the bedroom as well to feel fulfilled in a relationship.

So, some may come to it from the fad, some may find a home and some will move on. Like so many other aspects of life.

I think it's a positive thing for the information to be out there for more general consumption. It lessens the marginalization for those of us who do live it. (although I only wish I spent 24/7 in heels and corsets).



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