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How important is it to you for your submissive to show his submission beyond the bedroom?

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ORIGINAL: Lockit

He either is who he is and wants what he wants and does what it takes to be these things or he doesn't.

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ORIGINAL: attendedone

How important is it to you for your submissive to show his submission beyond the bedroom?
His submission in the bedroom is probably least important on my list. I can get a vanilla guy to submit in the bedroom.  What he does when we are not in the bedroom is what is importatnt to me.


If you desire and have clearly communicated this desire for a specific action like him greeting you in a certain way upon arriving your house, how would you address it if he doesn't comply? I realize these are two questions. Any thoughts are welcome.

That depends on why he is not complying. If there is a misunderstanding I will clarify. If it is something he is physically unable to do (kneeling if he has a bad knee) then I can modify. If he just refuses to do what I told him I will most likely dismiss him.

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ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I don't limit sex to the bedroom, why should I limit my dominance?

There is nothing wrong with being a bedroom kinkster. I kind of envy them! I think it is VITAL that if all you want is some slap and tickle and role play that you make thta clear from the outset. So many men say that they want to "serve" when they really mean they want to get tied up and fucked.

I am not heavily into rituals, and I don't lead a structured life. There ARE things that I expect, though, and I make those things clear. If my expectations are not met, I want to know why. "I didn't feel like it" and "I forgot" are both reasons that show me that we are not a good match.

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ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

I know this sounds more like a talking to the choir response, but honestly I've never really given "bedroom" much of a thought when it comes to a bdsm relationship because rarely is it the bedroom that ends up being the focus of the relationship. And the reason I post this response is because I think a LOT of submissives just don't get that. They see it as a prelude to sex, and thus they wonder why a relationship they just started doesn't seem to have much focus on sex.

I remember my first live-in relationship vividly because of this. I remember thinking and expecting one thing but then realizing after a few days, and then weeks, that my fantasies of what this would be like were a lot different than the stark reality because the women I was chosen by was not some bdsm queen who is centered on bdsm wank material (even though, for the sake of giggles, I would like to point out that she was a very well known professional dominant who WAS centered in a lot of bdsm wank material).

The reality is often so different than the fantasy, but having said that I now want to make a comment that NEEDS to be said, and that's that just because this fact exists doesn't mean that the reality isn't just as wonderful. Yeah, it's not the wank material that we know and love from bdsm porn, but that doesn't mean it's Ozzie and Harriet either. And THAT is another factor that so many submissives miss. Once they realize that it's not the fantasy they were seeking, they run away and look for that fantasy ad nauseaum, and give up when they never find it. But what they don't realize is that the other side of the coin is pretty damn hot, too. It's just a different dynamic.

It took me some time to get past the fantasy aspects of one side of the coin to realize that the immersion aspects of the reality are pretty damn cool, too. Instead of expecting non-stop punishment, chastizement and impossible to achieve requirements that result in more punishment, I found a life that involves servitude and becoming the significant submissive that a dominant might desire. It's pretty damn cool when you're introduced to a group of people as a particular woman's slave, and that she respects you all that much more for it. It becomes a lot more about doing things for Her and receiving accolades of accomplishment, knowing that this woman can count on you in a crunch as well as in normal, everday operations and procedures. Sure, some people can possibly find that in a vanilla world, but in that vanilla world that element of control and power surrender/grabbing is completely lacking.

So to get around to answering some of the original questions, after having said all of that which will immediately be ignored by everyone to focus on some nitpicking diversion like so many other threads (or maybe it won't happen...it doesn't always have to go that way, I guess), I did want to comment on that last question of what is done when one doesn't comply. To me, that pretty much defines the relationship because you can tell so much about this type of relationship based on what happens there. So often I read here of a woman who says, "well, I'd dismiss him" and that's always interesting to me because it shows that to me sometimes people tend to want things so perfectly wrapped that they're not willing to put forth any work at all. I hear constantly about how a submissive is lazy because of this or that, but often I see the opposite sort of thing as well, and I wonder if the thought is that such submissives are 'dismissed" at the beginning, or does someone do that sort of response even after time has been put in by all? I'd hope the former rather than the latter, but I've actually been dismissed in the past based on some pretty crappy criteria (although that's usually been at the beginning when you start to find out people aren't compatible), but who knows?

Anyway, I'm not around as much as I used to be, but just wanted to respond to show that I'm still here and haven't been dragged off to some dungeon somewhere by some woman who showed up at my doorstep unannounced....hey, it could happen.