RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (Full Version)

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VaguelyCurious -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/25/2010 3:02:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Exactly how many males out there who aren't into wearing women's clothes for themselves and do not have a partner have a dress in their closet just in case he finds himself a date and there might be an occasion to wear it?

Ranja,

The bolded part above is the impression I got from Akasha's OP. If the sub wants the harness for himself, fine. If he wants me to use it, creepy.

Thanks for saving me the typing, Lady P [:)]



MissAsylum -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/25/2010 5:05:49 AM)

you'd be right about the prodomme thing. however, what would take place during play happens is discussed before anything happens. if she said she would indulge in strap on play, then doesn't, thats would get a refund. but given the OP stance on it, i think it would be "no" from the start.



DesFIP -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/25/2010 1:19:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeKeliDallas

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I think subs should own their own toys and not expect the dominant to buy them all. Plus it's easier to do so a little at a time instead of get into a relationship and have to expend a great deal of money suddenly in order to have a toy bag.

And insertables? Damned straight he should own his own and not use ones that have been used on anyone else.

Akasha, are you also suggesting that every sub who is out of a relationship should throw away all the toys he used with his ex?

It's a toy he's interested in. If you're also interested in it, then use it. If not, then leave it untouched. I think you're overinvesting in this. If he owned a pasta maker would you be peeved because he owned it before you? If you liked pasta you'd tell him to make some, if you're on a carb free diet you tell him to put it back in the cabinet. No difference.


EXCUSE ME?
You see no difference between a pasta maker and a rubber dick that had been up someone's ass?
HHHEEELLLLOOOOOOO...???


I see a lot wrong with putting a rubber dick that had been in one guy's ass, up a different guy's ass. I see nothing wrong with him making sure there won't be any std transmission by making sure that IF a rubber dick goes up his ass, it will be one he knows the history and safety of.

Shit I owned my own vibe before I met The Man, he's used it on me a couple of times. But there's no way he would take one used on someone else and stick it in me. Disease transmission is not hot.



curbisub -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/25/2010 1:39:33 PM)

I think it's a toss-up. I think a sub/slave should buy/have their own toys to be used on them by their Dominant. And a Dominant could have other things to use on a sub/slave, like for example, whips, floggers, etc..., maybe collars-wrist & ankle restrainst. Masks/hoods on the other hand is another toss-up, since anyone who wears a mask/hoods can sweat/drool on the mask/hood & it might not be possible to sterlize something leather, plastic, etc...



PeonForHer -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/25/2010 3:49:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja
Have you never bought a nice dress because you liked it... and then found there was no occasion to wear it too?
And when the right occasion presented itself, would you then feel creepy for wearing the dress?    tidididi tidididi

i think many people who have problems with so called 'selfish do-me subs' are a bit insecure really


That would make complete sense if the guy who bought the dress was the one who was going to wear it. 

Exactly how many males out there who aren't into wearing women's clothes for themselves and do not have a partner have a dress in their closet just in case he finds himself a date and there might be an occasion to wear it?



Gawd.  All the permutations of this are frying my brains.  I had a girlfriend once who'd bought a wedding dress when she was seventeen.  She loved it and I could see why - entirely silk, obviously old - fine article of clothing.  No, it didn't bother me.  People can admire things for their own sake alone, and have fantasies about their use, one day in the future. 

I suppose the same could be said for items that are designed for kink usage.  If I had any of those, though, I'd probably keep quiet about it.  Private matter.  A strap-on, specifically?  Hmmm.  Well, a man could look at and that might augment some solo fantasies during one's sad, lonely bachelor months.  But - heh - if I had one, I'd still keep schtum about it.  At least at first.

I'm like Rochsub - I have nothing whatsoever, though.  I wouldn't mind buying at the instigation of the femdom, but it'd feel like an empty thing were I to buy it for myself. 

. . . I think.  It's never occurred to me to buy such an item.  But, on the other hand, I've seen gadgets in kink shops and been fascinated with what they might be like to play with.   

On the whole I think his having that strap-on could be a sign of something deep, odd and worrying - or it could be a sign of nothing very much at all.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/25/2010 8:47:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

it is not creepy, i think you are being paranoid... maybe if you prefer a young bloke with a hard limit of butt penetration, so you can 'break' him... then indeed this man was not a good match for you.

Have you never bought a nice dress because you liked it... and then found there was no occasion to wear it too?
And when the right occasion presented itself, would you then feel creepy for wearing the dress?    tidididi tidididi

i think many people who have problems with so called 'selfish do-me subs' are a bit insecure really



Ok, ranja, I hope you are sitting down. There is so little you and I agree on, but here we are in total agreement.

Now because I am not into strap on play, and through explanations here, I now understand how this "two part" toy needs to meet the comfort of both parties, and that does make it more difficult, and I understand how a domme might not be happy about a male sub having one since it might not be the kind she preferrs. But no matter how you try to twist that, it is really such a simple fix though the one thing that we bandy about here constantly....COMMUNICATION. The scenario given is that the poor guy has zero experience and with zero experience come ver little knowledge.

It seems to be a bit of an over reaction to ditch a guy soley on the fact that he has purchased something prior to meeting his domme. Now certainly if there were other things making her uncomfortable, you add them up and make a decision. But on that one thing, it is really silly. It seems that a lot of dommes jump right to the "do me sub" (not denying there are tons of those out there), but during a discussion of likes/dislikes, the poor guy has the right to say what he enjoys and what he is looking for. After all, if you are into toilet play and he isn't, just because you are the "domme" doesn't mean he has to accept it. Likewise, if he is into strap on play and you are, you are free to say that is something you don't engage in. If there are enough other common interests, perhaps you continue to communicate. If the activity is a "must have" for either one, obviously you move on.

It seems that in this case as least with comments of "whose in control here" the concept that two people are looking to engage in a relationship (although yes that is an assumption on my part, it might be just a play session), both people need to have their needs met to be happy in that relationship. We like to "pretend" that in D/s or M/s play it is all about the D or the M, the reality is that it isn't. Most s-types are looking for someone who isn't interested in what makes them happy, or in having someone who is so into "control" that what the s-type enjoys never occurrs.

It does make me wonder if there might be a lot less "do me subs" out there and a lot more dommes who really have no interest in the man as a person but rather as just a body that they can use without consideration for that "body's" wants or desires.

PS. ranja, I have one of those dresses that I bought just because I loved it so much. I'm hoping I will finally get to wear it to my best friend's wedding in Germany. But I did buy it with no occassion in mind, lol. Shoes too!



ranja -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 1:12:10 AM)

jee... who would have thought that...

and i forgot to say that there must be numerous single dominants who own pegs and meatforks and whips or floggers with no intention of using these things on themselves.... are they all creepy too?.... actually... they probably want to be seen as creepy.... haha

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Exactly how many males out there who aren't into wearing women's clothes for themselves and do not have a partner have a dress in their closet just in case he finds himself a date and there might be an occasion to wear it?


Lady P i have no problem with people buying things for themselves, i do not see it as creepy at all... if a guy buys a dress for himself i am fine with that... if he buys it for a woman he has not met yet... well hopefully the size won't be a problem.

However, i meant buying a dress for one self ... i meant a woman buying a special dress because she likes it but does not specifically have an occasion to wear it to... nevermind about a partner to come with her to this occasion... (who indeed might not like this dress...)

Like i said, many dominants have floggers in their possession, should and new partner sub immediately dump them on the 'creepy' factor because they have the audacity to own a toy before they met the person they were gonna use it with?



LafayetteLady -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 7:02:03 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja


Like i said, many dominants have floggers in their possession, should and new partner sub immediately dump them on the 'creepy' factor because they have the audacity to own a toy before they met the person they were gonna use it with?


I had said the same thing earlier. Not only that, these doms own insertables that have been used in the past and simply state that they have cleaned them. THAT is far creepier than a newbie buying something in the hope he will find a woman who will enjoy an activiy he enjoys.



DesFIP -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 8:45:55 AM)

Everything we own is new to the two of us. I am anal (pun intended) about not having stuff used on me that may have someone else's blood, sweat, tears and other body fluids on it. You can't autoclave leather and most people don't use autoclaves anyway. In fact, I don't know anyone who owns one.

And even unintended, you could flog someone and break open a scratch and get blood on the flogger.



DommeKeliDallas -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 8:58:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPactIf I've never made My position clear on purchasing a strap on as a surprise gift when someone has never taken enough interest to purchase one of her own:  Dumb, dumb, dumb, immediately placing expectations on the Dominant woman in your life, dumb, dumb, dumb.


A strap-on is something that I'd really, really want her to buy for herself.  I wouldn't want the slightest thought passing through my head that she'd want to use it for my good rather than hers.  Yeesh.


He is just FORCING YOU to use this on him.
Topping from the "BOTTOM"...pun intended.



ranja -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 10:29:56 AM)

Here we go with the topping from the bottom malarkey again... jeez... so if a sub has an interest and buys some toys... they are topping from the bottom before they even meet a partner???

also the op did not take time to find out why he had bought the item it seems, as far as we know... he might have had the idea to wear it himself so he might pleasure his mistress vaginal and anal at the same time... thrusting away in total servitude



WestBaySlave -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 10:39:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Is this preparedness on the part of the sub, and good for him.  Or is it inappropriate, and probably not something to tell a woman he's met?


I find this a fascinating topic, especially some of the responses here, as it shows the culture of domme/male sub interactions versus male dom/male sub interaction.

I've never owned or bought any toys for myself, for many of the reasons expressed on this thread. If I'm not serving a guy, what's the point? And then if I did buy them and the guy I was with wasn't into it, what would be the point? It's just not an investment that makes sense for me ( not that that's a criticism of those that do buy toys for themselves, just my own feelings on it ).

However, most of the doms I've spoken to find this more than a little strange, and some have even said that it made them worry that I wasn't into this real time. I even had a couple doms say no thanks due to my not having kink equipment of various kinds, though I personally have my suspicions those particular ones were looking for Mr. Tonight, given that I'm more than willing to help get whatever is desired in a long-term relationship.

From a sub perspective, the flip side of the dommes' here who find single sub's toy collections odd, is that I find it a little odd when I read profiles of doms who have very specific and detailed ( i.e. down to the very inch ) physical requirements for the next sub they're seeking in a LTR, as all the bondage equipment they have left over from their ex was custom made to certain specifications. It seems like a way to really limit your potential partners, and even if they are a match, there's something a little off-putting about about almost literally fitting into another's shoes.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 10:57:37 AM)

As a top ( I don't consider myself, and have never considered myself a Dominant), I wouldn't be annoyed or care.  I'd still be taking them to the adult store and having them crawl with the dildo package in their mouth and carrying it that way to the counter.  I guess they'd just have to live with the added cost of having had to purchase two strap-ons.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 1:05:22 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Everything we own is new to the two of us. I am anal (pun intended) about not having stuff used on me that may have someone else's blood, sweat, tears and other body fluids on it. You can't autoclave leather and most people don't use autoclaves anyway. In fact, I don't know anyone who owns one.

And even unintended, you could flog someone and break open a scratch and get blood on the flogger.



And I completely agree that they should be, but the fact is that not everyone does that. I've spoken to many guys over the years who kept telling me how they "disinfected" the toys they owned, and I told them I didn't care what they did to sterilize them, they weren't going to use them on me.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 1:10:42 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeKeliDallas


He is just FORCING YOU to use this on him.
Topping from the "BOTTOM"...pun intended.


Exactly where did you read that he was "forcing" her to do anything? As has been repeated over and over, if she chooses not the use it, then she doesn't use it, anymore than she might use or not use anything in his toybag of insertable items that would go in HIM. What has also been repeated over and over is that the guy is relatively new, and a simple explanation that not all harnesses are the same and something that most domme's prefer to choose themselves would likely go a long way. Jumping on the topping from the bottom idea because the guy had purchased something of interest to him is a bit insecure. Because bottom line, whether you like it or not, the guy is going to get some enjoyment from the activities, otherwise he wouldn't be doing it.



pyroaquatic -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 1:33:07 PM)

I've thought about it for a while.

It sounds like said submissive purchased the strap-on as a fetish or motivator to find a mistress. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetishism

Chasing the material for the immaterial. I do not get it.



Missokyst -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 6:58:04 PM)

I have been thinking about this thread for a day.  What do I think of subs that buy strapon harnesses before they meet a femdom?  I think they are smart! I really believe everyone should have their own toybag.  Whether or not someone chooses to use them is on themselves.  No one says that any new dominant in my life is required to use my Violet Wand on me.  It might languish in its case for evermore because it is possible the next man has no interest in it, or is afraid of electricity. 

I have toys that may never see the light of day because I have built up my own toybag after my original was stolen from the trunk of my car.  I bought my new toys when I was still pining for my X, and not thinking of looking for another. 

Currently even though I play now, sex is still out of the picture, but..
Yesterday I bought my first EVER vibrator.  Should the next man to enter my life be offended that I took it on myself to provide toys that appeal to me?



LafayetteLady -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 7:19:33 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Should the next man to enter my life be offended that I took it on myself to provide toys that appeal to me?


That is why I posed the question earlier if there is some inherent difference between male and female dominants on this issue. So now the question has essentionally been asked twice and remains unanswered.

Obviously, a female sub is unlikely to buy a CBT device as I would think that most male dominant would have no interest in them. I don't ask the question sarcastically but because I'm truly wondering if the mindset of the female and male dominant is somehow drastically different on this issue.



Missokyst -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 7:25:40 PM)

lol well judging by the response I think you will find that when people take the position that it is topping from the bottom it is abhorrent.  And yes, I do see a vast difference between male dominant and female dominants on this point.  It is rare to see a male dominant who would find it a bad thing.  But then again I have talked to male subs who have no issues finding ways to get people to cater to their kink.  I can understand why there might be a difference in attitude.



Nineveh -> RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom? (6/27/2010 7:26:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady


quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Should the next man to enter my life be offended that I took it on myself to provide toys that appeal to me?


That is why I posed the question earlier if there is some inherent difference between male and female dominants on this issue. So now the question has essentionally been asked twice and remains unanswered.

Obviously, a female sub is unlikely to buy a CBT device as I would think that most male dominant would have no interest in them. I don't ask the question sarcastically but because I'm truly wondering if the mindset of the female and male dominant is somehow drastically different on this issue.


I don't think it is a male vs female thing.  I have seen Dommes come down on both sides of this.  There also seem to be several takes on it.  For some a sub buying any toy beforehand is presumptuous topping from the bottom, for some it is the fact that the harness is a personal item.  I haven't seen any male Doms say that they would be opposed to discovering a sub had purchased toys prior to meeting them.  I know I would not.  I don't feel any obligation to use any toys that a sub owns, but the fact she does own them is a convenience to me as I actually have very few toys myself.  Mind you I am not really a fan of dildoes or vibrators, so chances are those will go unused, but that doesn't mean I have any problem with her having them.  If she did have CBT gear I'd be amused, and probably ask if she switches if I didn't already know.



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