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how do you know. . . . - 6/22/2010 9:47:21 PM

swt14uca

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline

Hi. i'm fairly new on this site and new to the forums. i have a question, i should know this but i am struggling with my own instincts or the lack thereof at the moment. sorry to ramble.

if you have been in a long term relationship and perhaps the only one within this lifestlye and it ends, how do you know when it is time to venture out and become involved again? i hope that makes sense, sometimes i don't.

thank you!

Post #: 1

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/22/2010 10:48:10 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: swt14uca

Hi. i'm fairly new on this site and new to the forums. i have a question, i should know this but i am struggling with my own instincts or the lack thereof at the moment. sorry to ramble.

if you have been in a long term relationship and perhaps the only one within this lifestlye and it ends, how do you know when it is time to venture out and become involved again? i hope that makes sense, sometimes i don't.

thank you!

When you are comfortable with being alone...and aren't looking for someone to help you take all the pain away.

I'm sorry to hear that he's not in your life anymore...while you are healing, be kind to yourself.

I wait at least six months, because I don't want to be setting up the next person for a world of hurt by starting a rebound relationship. I call these people...bandaid people. You need them when you're hurting and when you're okay...*rip*...off they go into a garbage can. This is what I most often see.

I don't know how long since you broke up with or lost him. A friend of mine hooked up with someone a day or two later and the new relationship is holding together so far. Sometimes when the right person comes along, all of our plans change.

Just...stay busy and find your own sense of self and balance and contentment/peace first, or you can act like my friend...both of us have found someone, I just move at a lot slower pace than she does.

< Message edited by CynthiaWVirginia -- 6/22/2010 11:04:22 PM >

(in reply to swt14uca)

Post #: 2

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/22/2010 10:48:27 PM

Malkinius

Posts: 1814
Joined: 1/9/2004
Status: offline

Greetings.....

quote:

ORIGINAL: swt14uca
if you have been in a long term relationship and perhaps the only one within this lifestlye and it ends, how do you know when it is time to venture out and become involved again? i hope that makes sense, sometimes i don't.

thank you!

It makes sense at least to me. I will give you a simple answer but one that can be hard to judge. The time you should become involved again is when you can no longer stay away or perhaps no longer want to stay away.

I think that coming here, creating a profile and posting a question like this already says something about what you want. You want to return. How long can you go without really doing so?

Be well....

Malkinius

_____________________________

A questioner by inclination...An Auctioneer for the fun of it
http://www.HouseMalkinius.com The goal is community.

(in reply to swt14uca)

Post #: 3

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/22/2010 11:42:50 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

It really isn't all that different than if you were in a long term vanilla relationship. You say only that your former partner is "no longer part of your life." I don't if that means you divorced or he died. Not to be rude, but it can make a difference. If you divorced, you need to deal with any anger that the divorce may have brought about along with grieving the end of the relationship (even if you wanted the divorce, you need to grieve the end of the relationship). If he passed away, then the love never stopped and you have to deal with not only grieving, but not feeling bad about moving on.

Take you time, move slowly. You obviously know that you want to continue with a D/s type of relationship. I perved your profile, and so I know that you probably haven't dated in more than a decade. Don't rush things or let anyone rush you. Even meeting people here, doing the "vanilla" dating thing and getting to know the guy is a good idea. When you find someone you really like, you won't wonder when it is a good time to move on. You'll just know. And don't ever forget to trust your gut, and don't play unless YOU are ready to.

Welcome to the boards! Relax and enjoy yourself.

(in reply to swt14uca)

Post #: 4

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/22/2010 11:53:02 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: swt14uca

Hi. i'm fairly new on this site and new to the forums. i have a question, i should know this but i am struggling with my own instincts or the lack thereof at the moment. sorry to ramble.

if you have been in a long term relationship and perhaps the only one within this lifestlye and it ends, how do you know when it is time to venture out and become involved again? i hope that makes sense, sometimes i don't.

thank you!

When you see them and your heart doesn't race or sink, your stomach doesn't do fliplops, that sort of thing. When you can have long conversations where their name never comes up. When you are making love to someone else and nothing makes you think of them. Takes a long time to get there but that is when you are ready to move on.

(in reply to swt14uca)

Post #: 5

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 12:00:13 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

When you are no longer desperate for someone, anyone, to take away the pain.

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to swt14uca)

Post #: 6

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 1:27:59 AM

ladybabe2

Posts: 5
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline

I was dumped my master and he is the only one l have ever had, it lasted over 6yrs on and off and to be honest he really hurt me but thats another story and not the question.
I realised that l wanted to move on when l no longer thought about being sub to him but just being sub, which has brought me back ti here and to hope xxxx

(in reply to swt14uca)

Post #: 7

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 2:23:22 AM

BentUnit

Posts: 897
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: swt14uca

Hi. i'm fairly new on this site and new to the forums. i have a question, i should know this but i am struggling with my own instincts or the lack thereof at the moment. sorry to ramble.

if you have been in a long term relationship and perhaps the only one within this lifestlye and it ends, how do you know when it is time to venture out and become involved again? i hope that makes sense, sometimes i don't.

thank you!

When you see them and your heart doesn't race or sink, your stomach doesn't do fliplops, that sort of thing. When you can have long conversations where their name never comes up. When you are making love to someone else and nothing makes you think of them. Takes a long time to get there but that is when you are ready to move on.

Quoted for truth.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 8

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 2:28:43 AM

BentUnit

Posts: 897
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sublizzie

When you are no longer desperate for someone, anyone, to take away the pain.

Also quoted for truth.

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 9

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 8:11:37 AM

afkarr

Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline

When it's something you want; not something you need.

(in reply to BentUnit)

Post #: 10

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 12:51:16 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

There is no set time limit. When my previous Master died i did not look for a year. Took me another year to find my Master. So don't rush into to anything. You need time to heal and become comfotable with yourself. Attend munches meet people just don't rush into a new relationship, that would be a mistake. Best widhes.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to afkarr)

Post #: 11

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 12:55:56 PM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

When you know in your heart that if he asked you back, you would say No.

When you forgive him for simply being a flawed human being, just like you are.

When you accept that he's trying to figure out his way in life, just like you are.

When you can look forward to seeing him again and giving him a big hug - and be happy he's found joy in his life, like hopefully you have as well.

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 6/23/2010 12:57:01 PM >

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to swt14uca)

Post #: 12

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 4:52:07 PM

swt14uca

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline

Wow! Thanks E/everyone for all of the great responses! i do so appreciate each and everyone of them. Just to clarify, He left me a little over 3 months ago, decided He didn't feel the same way about me and filed for divorce. not something that in my wildest dreams, nightmares imagination would ever happen to U/us.

i have sought counseling just to deal with the pain, grief and shock this has been to me. He moved out of the area and has re-established Himself.

again, thanks to A/all who took the time to respond!!!

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 13

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 5:01:47 PM

zephyroftheNorth

Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: afkarr

When it's something you want; not something you need.

Funny, I would say the opposite..........when it's something you need not just something you want.

_____________________________

And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

Team Troll Trollop
Member: Cocksuckers For World Peace
Charter member: Lance's Fag Hags
Member: Subbie Mafia
Member: Hibbie's Hotties

(in reply to afkarr)

Post #: 14

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 5:35:39 PM

bestheadyet

Posts: 266
Joined: 2/3/2010
Status: offline

i really feel for you.

i take a long time to heal....but i am self destructive at times....
the last time i had a heartbreak.....took me a year and a caring Master to help get me beyond the hurt and pain.

im glad i am out in the world again though

i send you a hug

(in reply to swt14uca)

Post #: 15

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 6:00:06 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

My Sir died Tuesday a week ago- and i am looking.
I knew he was going to die when he was diagnosed 18 months ago (his cancer happened to be in my field of medicine), and grieved the whole time.
I really thought it would be years before i was ready, and to my surprise i feel ready now. I am still sad when i think of him, but not beaten down with grief.
The life we had was so wonderful that i can't imagine living without the bdsm component, and relationship.
I think maybe my willingness to look is a tribute to how great our life was - after my divorce, i stayed alone and celibate for 10 years. Seems to be one extreme or another!

I'm not saying i don't have grief work to do, but i think i am ready for a relationship of some kind - even if it is friends with benefits.

So, OP, you are ready when you are ready.

(in reply to bestheadyet)

Post #: 16

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 6:08:13 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Oh Kiwi, Sweetie.

I'm so sorry. I remember you posting that you were caring for him as he died. I'm glad to hear you're not beaten down by grief.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 17

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 6:12:49 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

I think, Kiwi, in a case like that, and my sincerest condolences by the way, it's much like my mother. In the beginning, when she was diagnosed it was hell, because we all knew the outcome. But by the end, yes, I was sad, but, I'd had a goodly amount of time to come to terms with it. Sometimes that can help in a way I think. It helps one to make the most of the time left, and be able to move on a bit more quickly after they do pass.

Of course, it's not the same for everyone, but, I know you're probably going to get some flack from people saying "It's only been a little over a week!", but in essence you've had a year and a half truly to come to terms with it, grieve, and begin healing.

O.P. How do you know when it's time? Well, unfortunately, there's the caveat there, within the question. I don't know when you're ready. You are the only one who knows when you are ready. But, you will know. It may be tomorrow, it may be in 2 years, it may be sometime after or in between.

It's been a year and two months since my pet went back home to Canada, and 4 months since he left our relationship permanently. Sometimes I feel I'm ready to move on, but there's this little something inside me holding me back. So, I know I'm not ready just yet. But I know I will be.

By the same token, when I left my ex, two days later I was with someone. And have been with him for over 15 years now. Every relationship and every person is going to be different, have different results, have different emotions and have different 'grief' periods. And there's nothing at all wrong with that.

In the meantime though, take all the time you need for you. *HUG*

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 18

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 7:14:28 PM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

I think its helpful to process what happened, what you understand about it. I think so many relationships fail because people dont take the time to process what happened, and they bring their anger and pain, etc, the baggage, right into the next relationship.

I think its truly terrible to be blindsided. That is what happened to me as well after 24 years of marriage (vanilla). And that was 8 years ago this month. In October, I will be married again (not vanilla).

(in reply to swt14uca)

Post #: 19

RE: how do you know. . . . - 6/23/2010 8:25:50 PM

swt14uca

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

My Sir died Tuesday a week ago- and i am looking.
I knew he was going to die when he was diagnosed 18 months ago (his cancer happened to be in my field of medicine), and grieved the whole time.
I really thought it would be years before i was ready, and to my surprise i feel ready now. I am still sad when i think of him, but not beaten down with grief.
The life we had was so wonderful that i can't imagine living without the bdsm component, and relationship.
I think maybe my willingness to look is a tribute to how great our life was - after my divorce, i stayed alone and celibate for 10 years. Seems to be one extreme or another!

I'm not saying i don't have grief work to do, but i think i am ready for a relationship of some kind - even if it is friends with benefits.

So, OP, you are ready when you are ready.

i am so sorry to hear of your loss. thank you for taking the time even in your grieving to reach out. hugs to you!

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 20

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