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Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/25/2010 3:44:58 PM

AngelicCouple

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/16/2010
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I am a sadist and Domme at heart, but sometimes I get this nagging feeling, a voice that sounds an awful like my grandma.That I'm "not being very nice" that I am " a selfish little witch and why would anyone listen to Me" and it brings out the aggravating part of me that needs to be told everything is ok ect... the 'sub" in me I guess...
Does any one else feel like that sometimes? Am I labeling Myself to quickly.
I am fairly new to exploring this part of me in an active relationship, so it makes me hesitant to .. take what I want so to speak... It drives him nuts too because I get really insecure.

typing all this out I feel like I should talk to a mental heath professional lol

Advice from the more experienced? stories.

L Angel

Post #: 1

RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/25/2010 3:57:53 PM

LadyAngelika

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I'll be honest with you and will tell you that I shied away from all of this the first time around for very similar reasons to the ones you expressed.

I had to do a lot of soul searching as it was important to me to be in a healthy relationship that included kink as the cherry on top and not let it completely unbalance a relationship. I had to understand my motivations about why I wanted to be a Domme, and I realised that for me it was because I was a natural born leader and that I felt my relationships went best when I was in the leading role.

As for the Sadistic part of me, I understood that it was a one of the ways I manifested my really deep empathy and it was a way for me to express heightened passion and intensity. I understood what I needed to get from it and what kind of man I needed to share it with and since then, this is not really an issue of contention for me. I'm totally at peace with *the beast within*.

Your path might end up being very different than mine. I guess what I'm trying to convey to you is that deep soul searching and self-actualization is the key. I chose to do it without the help of a health professional as I had a career to be concerned with. I can however send you a list of books that worked well if you'd like to have them.

Good luck with sorting this out. Just know it is possible to be at peace and live a healthy life and still be a wickedly twisted kinky woman ;-)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/25/2010 4:01:31 PM

laurell3

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Joined: 5/5/2005
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When I switched I was fortunate to have been a sub for over a decade, so I had no dilemna other than what the hell am I doing? I knew fully well that it was an need that I was filling. I think it's really no different than any other act, you have to remember it is really what they want. You are fulfilling their desires, so yes, it IS being nice. Hell if the guy wasn't occasionally a sadistic prick I would think he was a selfish bastard!

Seriously, I did struggle with masochism for awhile, I do understand what it is like to learn to accept that part of you. The reality I discovered is it wasn't going away so I needed to accept it like any other part of me. I'm very glad I did.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 6/25/2010 4:02:38 PM >

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RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/25/2010 4:08:52 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Honestly? No.

What did I struggle with? CALLING myself a sadist. I really shied away from that, because it just had bad connotations to me. Thanks to the psychoslave, I got over it. He was very encouraging in some ways!

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RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/25/2010 4:25:19 PM

LadyCimarron

Posts: 625
Joined: 12/29/2009
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It took me years to come to terms with being a sadist. It was hard because it was different from just being kinky and knowing that I get off on administering high levels of pain. I was certain that I was going to hell with a pair of gasoleine panties on. That continued until I met my first masochist. He was a heavier masochist than I was a sadist and he had always had trouble finding women who give him as much as he wanted. It was awesome and a big step towards self-acceptance. I learned that I was not "the incredible hulk." I can control my sadistic needs. I can go to the edge without going over it. Just hang in there and if the man is telling you to take more.....take more. Try to relax and enjoy yourself and remember, as a Domme it really is ok to be a selfish little witch. The guys think that's hot.

(in reply to AngelicCouple)

Post #: 5

RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/25/2010 4:35:37 PM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I was cool with BEING a sadist, just not with CALLING myself one! Tricky things, these labels!

It's hard to be selfish, yet not a grasping user. I think being able to draw the line easily depends on your own personality.

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RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/25/2010 4:40:04 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

as a Domme it really is ok to be a selfish little witch. The guys think that's hot.

Indeed!

The key is to know when to be selfish and when not to be. That's the part about balance.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/25/2010 5:03:46 PM

MistressXbox

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Joined: 6/2/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

The key is to know when to be selfish and when not to be. That's the part about balance.

This expresses my feelings perfectly!

We're not all built to be soulless heartless bitches ALL the time. Once in awhile, it's nice to let that part out. But there are other parts of ourselves regarding BDSM too, such as the parts that are caring and nurturing, as well as the light playful side. There's a time and place for all of those things. I think as long as you don't lose sight of the big picture, it's more than OK to be selfish and evil (with your partner's consent, of course) when and where it's appropriate. ;)

< Message edited by MistressXbox -- 6/25/2010 5:04:23 PM >

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RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/25/2010 5:14:21 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

We're not all built to be soulless heartless bitches ALL the time

I actually never feel soulless or heartless. In fact, I feel when I'm in Top/Sadist space, it comes from a place deep inside my soul and it's quite heartfelt for me.

The way I see it is that I deeply need to hurt him sometimes and he deeply needs me to hurt him sometimes. At other times, I deeply need to be sweet to him and he deeply needs me to be sweet.

I guess we all experience this in different ways. That's where the compatibility issue comes in.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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Post #: 9

RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/25/2010 10:05:05 PM

AngelicCouple

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Joined: 6/16/2010
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Thank you for all the reply's.
When I am confident and the voice isn't there I am happy, cloud nine as it were, I hurt him the way I do not because I am angry (well sometimes) but because I love him and trust him to understand that part of Me as I understand the part of him that needs it.

I am not a sadistic person all the time I love to cuddle and doing both is awesome :P

Right now I am in my top space where I am a powerful womyn that should be listen to and have my needs met as that I am meeting his by being who I am, every thing makes sense. I just wish that this was how I always felt. *laughs*

LAngelique

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 10

RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/26/2010 6:43:56 AM

Tantriqu

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Joined: 12/29/2006
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I felt that way only with my first relationship once the vanilla burnt off; the guilt about being sexually 'selfish' (in my case, said inside my head in my mother's voice) melllllted away when I found out he, and all my subsequent partners, are yin to my yang: they enjoy/need/desire who I am and what I do as much as I do. I love it, they love it, and together we are more than we are apart. Hmmmm...
Nice girls can come first, last and always, and there are nice men who crave to help you with that.

Nifty, eh?

Good luck.

(in reply to AngelicCouple)

Post #: 11

RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/26/2010 11:35:37 AM

CatWalk

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Joined: 6/18/2010
Status: offline

AngelicCouple,

I know just what you mean...were you raised Catholic by any chance? NO offense meant to Catholics, but guilt seems to be one of their best by-products!
I have struggled for years with this side of myself and i am SO tired of listening to what any "he" thinks I should do that I am truly embracing this dark but powerful side of myself. I am very giving, loving and empathic, so this has been a real struggle. But, I think that when you understand that you are really giving what someone else needs AND you love the strength and power that you have, it all makes good sense.
I love men. And, I love to show them who is their Mistress!
I hope you work this out and I am new here too. From the bit of lurking I have done I am really excited to read the posts by the other dommes here and ok...maybe that whacky anteater too!
CatWalk

(in reply to Tantriqu)

Post #: 12

RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/26/2010 12:26:29 PM

blmtrsne

Posts: 201
Joined: 6/29/2004
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I know for 22 years now that it's OK. And it gets OK'er year by year.

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RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/26/2010 1:18:43 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

When I switched I was fortunate to have been a sub for over a decade, so I had no dilemna other than what the hell am I doing? I knew fully well that it was an need that I was filling. I think it's really no different than any other act, you have to remember it is really what they want. You are fulfilling their desires, so yes, it IS being nice. Hell if the guy wasn't occasionally a sadistic prick I would think he was a selfish bastard!

Seriously, I did struggle with masochism for awhile, I do understand what it is like to learn to accept that part of you. The reality I discovered is it wasn't going away so I needed to accept it like any other part of me. I'm very glad I did.

I'm going to echo the quote above. Great post, laurell3!

When I turned dom several years ago, it was from a background of having identified as slave my entire life- since I was a tiny little girl. When I was of legal age to explore my slave orientation fully, I was quite the pain pup, enjoying long, hard, intense beatings. I never safeworded, because I loved it, wanted it... begged for it, even. I don't say I was a masochist, because the pain hurt like a motherfucker, a lot of the time. Its not the pain, that I craved. It was the submission I was after. The complete surrender, obedience, and the humiliation. It was sublime. I have wonderful memories that I wouldn't trade for anything, because I got to live out my dreams, with my dom. All of this was possible because I found a dom whose needs and desires fit together very well with my own, and together we could get them properly addressed.

The beauty, the sweetness- the exquisite pleasure, and the deep sense of fulfillment that my dom shared with me back then, is the same kind of thing that my slaveboy and I share with one another now. So I never feel bad or wrong in the slightest about anything we do, because I know from experience that as long as our needs and desires match up well, and as long as we're able to address them well together- we'll achieve the kind of intense, deep pleasure and fulfillment that we're after.

If I want him to suffer for me, it is exactly because that is one way of delivering us into mutual pleasure and satisfaction. I have him suffer for our enjoyment of it. Mutual pleasure, fulfillment, and self- actualization is the goal. I am being very attentive, generous, good and sweet and loving, etc. when I impose my will upon him, when I require his willing obedience and complete surrender, when I have him suffer for me, etc. -because that's what we both need and desire. That's how we love to be, and how we love to feel, together. We deliver each other to our true selves, in this way. We live our authentic lives, in this manner. It is sublime.

If your needs and desires don't mesh well with your partner's, your mileage will vary of course. So, do they?

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 6/26/2010 1:25:15 PM >

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RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/27/2010 9:14:26 AM

MadameMarque

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If you sometimes feel you're losing the thread, not feeling connected to the reason you're doing what you're doing, feeling it's too much, there's nothing wrong with pulling back for a while. Sometimes I've suddenly had a sense of where we (myself and a partner) are at as being...how shall I say? Suddenly the sense that we've lost our way a bit, that in the long term, there must be more of something (whatever influence that is), for it to satisfy and live. In your case, it could be you've just moved a bit too far too fast. Relax and draw back as much as it takes, for as long as it takes, for you to feel centered again, and kinda like you know what the hell you're doing, in your life!

One thing I will point out is that for each person who wants to be a caring, responsible dominant and/or sadist to a willing subject, there are people with submissive or masochistic feelings, who long to be accepted and appreciated by a counterpart such as you. They long for you to share your natural feelings and impulses with them.

Only one such as you can be there for them, in that way. I just mean this to say, if you loved someone, if you wanted them, it would be selfish of you to want them and want to be with them, but wouldn't they be looking for that 'selfish' desire for themselves, in you? Your selfish desire for them is the expression of your love and lust that they are seeking, that makes them feel your feelings toward them, just as surely you want to feel their desire for you. In this sense, your selfishness is all that will satisfy both of you.

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RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/27/2010 9:24:48 AM

marie2

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From another angle, you can view it as bringing pleasure to someone. The person who willingly receives your sadism is there for a reason. They like it. Is it selfish on his part to receive what you give? And even if there is selfishness involved, what's wrong with that? Why shouldn't we do what we enjoy as long as we are engaging with a willing partner?

As long as both parties are enjoying their respective parts in the arrangement, there is no reason for guilt. At least none that I can see.

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RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/28/2010 1:44:01 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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OP, you're not the first person to struggle with accepting sadism. Not by a long shot.

You have to realize that the nagging voice in your head has a lot to do with social conditioning. After all, "nice" people don't do these things, right? Well, we're taught that for a very good reason, but it kind of works against you in the world of sadism and masochism. All of a sudden, the rules about hurting people have changed and it can take some time to learn a new way of thinking about it.

So, how do you unlearn what you've learned? The answer to that one is time and patience. You're just starting to get your feet wet, but as time goes on, your confidence is going to build. The more positive experiences that you have, the little voice in your head is going to nag less. You'll embrace it more, a little bit each time. It's actually pretty cool when you accept this part of you, right along with the "nice" parts of you.

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RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/28/2010 11:41:50 AM

MarcEsadrian

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AngelicCouple
I am a sadist and Domme at heart, but sometimes I get this nagging feeling, a voice that sounds an awful like my grandma.That I'm "not being very nice" that I am " a selfish little witch and why would anyone listen to Me"

Vagaries of conscience, brought to you by conventional morality—which would otherwise be correct in most social situations. It could indeed be said you're not being very nice at all, on the surface or underneath. Your pleasure may increase when your sadism flirts greedily with force, or it may only come with romantic connections. Either way, if your attentions (and resulting pleasures) are focused upon one who is there by will, that mangles up the predictable platitudes a bit, I'd say. On that note, I find the conventional incomprehension over the choice of indulging in one's own masochism even more amusing: "it's sick you let him/her do that to you", or "you're letting someone take advantage of your weakness".

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RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 6/28/2010 12:40:42 PM

AAkasha

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You're not alone!

As a femdom and a sadist, I came to grips with "guilt" a long time ago. I used to post endless ramblings on message boards saying that I wish there was a better word for "guilt," because that feels so negative. Once I got a sense of why I felt guilt and what it meant, I beg to appreciate it. Nowadays, when I feel "guilt," it's an indicator that I have reached a new, intense and amazing high. Guilt feels delicious.

At first, it didn't. It felt like - guilt. It caused angst and confusion. I can't tell you why you feel what you do -- but for me, I realized guilt was my "conscience" checking in. It's because I possess a lot of empathy. I can ride a wave of intense sadism for some time and just immerse myself gleefully in it. But the deeper I go, the more I feel like "wow. Did I do that - to someone I cherish? Why would I do that -- why would I ENJOY that?" -- this is all easily reconciled as soon as I know he is ok, and I am ok.

Where would we be without guilt? Without conscience? It's what separates us from those who do harm to people; guilt is a good thing. I learned to recognize that when the guilt starts to creep in, it means I'm hitting my own limits (as a sadist). Funny, I have found that there are times that the "creeping in of guilt" feels oddly like an orgasm coming on -- complete with the body shudders and tunnel vision and toe curling. The hairs at the back of my neck tingle. It's guilt - and it feels good. It means I have hurt him or made him suffer to the ends of my capability and I can't "feed" any more - it means I am satisifed, and I got my fill.

Guilt, to me, feels like completion. Once I shower him with love, adoration, affection for enduring what he did for me, the guilt is gone and I feel absolutely amazing --- glowing.

That's just my experience -- and it took me awhile to get there in my head.

Akasha

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RE: Do you ever feel like its too much? - 7/2/2010 6:04:15 PM

blackwingedangel

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Joined: 10/29/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

From another angle, you can view it as bringing pleasure to someone. The person who willingly receives your sadism is there for a reason. They like it. Is it selfish on his part to receive what you give? And even if there is selfishness involved, what's wrong with that? Why shouldn't we do what we enjoy as long as we are engaging with a willing partner?

As long as both parties are enjoying their respective parts in the arrangement, there is no reason for guilt. At least none that I can see.

I was trying to formulate a response that made perfect sense, and then realized marie2 did it first, so I'm seconding her comments. Its a fine balance, and hard to get past the notions of guilt. Not necessarily from religion but from being a girl. I'm sure there were many of us that were treated "delicately" because we were female. coddled, not allowed to assert ourselves. Its a hard habit to break

(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 20

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