RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (Full Version)

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BentUnit -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (6/29/2010 3:14:47 AM)

Look...I make the choice to make sex because I'm desirous of the person I'm with at the time.
I'm there because there is a sexual frisson happening.
I'm not looking to guilt the other party into commitment because I've consented to share my body with them.
Mutual pleasure and pleasing your partner is all.
If it doesn't pan out, why should I feel guilty or feel cheated?




Andalusite -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (6/29/2010 7:49:39 AM)

BentUnit, I don't want to guilt anybody into anything. If there isn't any commitment or emotional connection, I don't want sex with that person. It's not a reward, it's a prerequisite.[;)] If someone refuses to have sex without a condom, because they want to be safe, I'm sure you're fine with that. If they don't feel emotionally safe without a commitment, why do you condemn them? Some people are fine with being casual about sex, some people aren't, just as some are fine with casual BDSM play and some are not. Claiming that people who need that are all out to mindfuck people and play games and be manipulative just doesn't fit my experience or any of the people I know who aren't into casual sex or play. People who say things like that come across to me as very pushy and disrespectful, and I wouldn't want to have sex with them under any circumstances. I don't want someone who views me as an animated vibrator or blow-up doll - something to use to get pleasure from, without caring about my emotions or who I am as a person.

wanders, nothing wrong with your approach, and it's not that I expect that having sex right away or casually would guarantee a short relationship, or waiting a certain time frame would mean it will automatically last. If someone isn't interested in a relationship with me, having sex with him is about as pointless as having sex with one of my gay friends. Even if they're horny enough to do it, I'm not what they want. That would just be depressing, and I don't want to put myself in that position.

InLight, if you bring walnut chocolate-chip cookies to the office or a party, and someone says, "Those look great, I'd love to have one, but I'm allergic to nuts/gluten intolerant/watching my weight/just brushed my teeth," you don't accuse them of mindfucking you or themselves, do you? People can be horny without wanting to go ahead and have sex, because it isn't working for them in the big picture.



dragon200070 -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (6/29/2010 4:45:18 PM)

As a Dom and sub who are just getting to know each other, sex should not have been on the agenda yet. You had a major job to do; getting to know each other. Now for everyone the right time will be different. You can not evaluate a Dom while you're having sex. It's just too hard to handle.

Of course, my slave said "if you're going to kill me, make sure I have a good time first". That relationship lasted 12 years. She didn't take my advice either.

Jeff



AQuietSimpleMan -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (6/29/2010 5:14:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: dragon200070

As a Dom and sub who are just getting to know each other, sex should not have been on the agenda yet. You had a major job to do; getting to know each other. Now for everyone the right time will be different. You can not evaluate a Dom while you're having sex. It's just too hard to handle.

Of course, my slave said "if you're going to kill me, make sure I have a good time first". That relationship lasted 12 years. She didn't take my advice either.

Jeff


I disagree with this for a simple reason.

It is difficult for me to get to know a person when I am fantasizing about them, when I am mystified by each touch and each caress. Once sex has been taken care of it is so much easier for me to pay attention to what is actually going on. Until then I am focused on how good it is going to be.

Sorry I like sex what can I say.

QSM



IronBear -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (6/29/2010 5:24:27 PM)

This has nothing to do with BDSM or Kink as the OP's question applies right throughout the dating scene. There are those who like to tease and drive a man wild before opening their legs for him; There are those who insist that some form of credible relationship (As defined by each individual) be formed first; There are some who just want sex as often as possible and there are some for whole sex is special to be shared only with a special committed person....

You pays your money and takes your chances. Personally I'd rather take a sabbatical in a Monastery (with only me and the seagulls and a dog or two for company) ratrher than get into the social hunting/dating fracas again..



Valyraen -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (6/29/2010 7:03:56 PM)

To address some of your questions in the order they were asked:

Is sex too soon a deal breaker? No... because it's not going to happen "too soon". I'll fuck you (and I use the universal "you" here) when I'm ready to, and not a moment before.

Not precisely a question, but more of an observation on your second paragraph - my desire for someone doesn't diminish after the first sexual encounter, but I've often admitted that I'm wired dramatically differently from your average internet article/magazine example male.

Would I want a woman more if she withheld from sex? Would I pursue her more? No. I'm a cat - if something runs hard enough, long enough, I'm going to go for easier pickings elsewhere. I'll pursue you to the point I'm tired of it, and then you're going to come to me (once again using the universal "you") if you want things to go anywhere. I'd be slightly concerned about trust issues between us and probably discuss that issue ad nauseum.



juliaoceania -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (6/29/2010 7:30:38 PM)

quote:

had made it clear to both of us, that I wouldn't engage in sex again until I was in a committed relationship.  That was a new commitment to myself, which was important to me.  It had nothing to do with holding out, "withholding" or playing games.  It had everything to do with doing the right thing for myself.


I so appreciated this response.... Never compromise your needs or wants in this world thinking it will engender something like commitment from someone else...



Ishtarr -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (6/29/2010 8:58:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Valyraen

Is sex too soon a deal breaker? No... because it's not going to happen "too soon". I'll fuck you (and I use the universal "you" here) when I'm ready to, and not a moment before.



I TOTALLY agree with this.

Sex can never be a deal breaker because it's too soon (though it can be a deal breaker for other reasons) because I'll never have sex with somebody "too soon".

I'll have sex when I'm good and ready to have sex.
That may be on the first date, or in the first hour of meeting, or after a few weeks, or way later than that; it all depends on circumstances, chemistry and so on.

If a guy looses interest in me because I decide that I'm ready to have sex with him and actively persue that desire instead playing childish games; waiting till an artificially made-up rule determined that I'm I'm "allowed" to have sex with him because we're on X-date, then I'm not at all interested in the guy to begin with.
I expect the men I date to be able to cope with a mature woman, in tune with her own desires, who is not afraid to pursue those desires in safe, sane and reasonable way.
After all, if we end up having sex on the first date, then I'm definitely NOT the only person on the date that felt it is okay to have sex on a first date...

Hell, if he gets spooked by me wanting to have sex when I feel I'm good and ready to have sex... then there is a WHOLE lot more about me that is going to freak him out even worse...



NuevaVida -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (6/30/2010 12:34:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

had made it clear to both of us, that I wouldn't engage in sex again until I was in a committed relationship.  That was a new commitment to myself, which was important to me.  It had nothing to do with holding out, "withholding" or playing games.  It had everything to do with doing the right thing for myself.


I so appreciated this response.... Never compromise your needs or wants in this world thinking it will engender something like commitment from someone else...


I did that for too long.  I learned a commitment to loving myself needed to come first.  I can no longer compromise myself for a "maybe".  I had to know, if things didn't work out, that I wouldn't feel badly about anything I did while exploring someone.  There are parts of myself that are no longer easily given up.



CelticPrince -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (6/30/2010 5:12:38 PM)

quote:

My own personal experience has always been that when I've had sex with a man right from the get go then they had zero interest in forming a relationship or even anything else other than a one night stand. The challenge was over. They caught the mouse and now it was time to move on to the next prey.

Like I said that was always my experience with having sex too early. YMMV.

lilwonder,

damn, that sounds so vanilla like........but that is what D/s is evolving into I guess.

CP



littlewonder -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (6/30/2010 6:28:32 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

quote:

My own personal experience has always been that when I've had sex with a man right from the get go then they had zero interest in forming a relationship or even anything else other than a one night stand. The challenge was over. They caught the mouse and now it was time to move on to the next prey.

Like I said that was always my experience with having sex too early. YMMV.

lilwonder,

damn, that sounds so vanilla like........but that is what D/s is evolving into I guess.

CP


I don't separate so I have no idea what you mean



LoveAndDS -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (7/2/2010 11:47:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hankyspanky2

So my question is this:

Men are supposedly (according to internet articles/magazines and even addmissions themselves) to like/enjoy a challenge or the chase, and that ultimately if a woman has sex with him too soon-then his desire for you diminishes, you've given him the goods, there's nothing left to wonder about.



Men don't like the challenge OR the chase.  We want to make sure that we're not getting together with a slut who just fucks any guy she goes on a play date with. 

When the pussy is owned or training than it's time to give it up whenever it's wanted.  Until than, keep that thing safe!



SirsJewel -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (7/2/2010 11:57:12 AM)

You heard him girls keep that pussy safe! lol ~ jewels



Lockit -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (7/2/2010 1:31:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

quote:

My own personal experience has always been that when I've had sex with a man right from the get go then they had zero interest in forming a relationship or even anything else other than a one night stand. The challenge was over. They caught the mouse and now it was time to move on to the next prey.

Like I said that was always my experience with having sex too early. YMMV.

lilwonder,

damn, that sounds so vanilla like........but that is what D/s is evolving into I guess.

CP


One thing I have found we disagree on. You seem to imply, in my view, that having some self respect and worth and seeing a very real reality (quite often for females) as an insult/downgrading to real bdsm. Someone with this view has lived the experience and has found that if no one else will respect them, they must proceed with caution. It has nothing to do with bdsm or vanilla. It has everything to do with self respect and knowing the score.



Firebirdseeking -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (7/2/2010 8:52:35 PM)

Sex too soon - hmmm. What I think is inane is two people who barely know one another "having sex", and then there is an assumption that they are in a relationship. Great. Sex makes a relationship? I dont think so, unless it is specifically a sexual relationship. I find people doing this whether they are 16 or 66 - a couple of evenings together, then sex, then they are a couple.

So for me, if I want a relationship, its important that I have someone (which I do) who has the same relationship values as I do. There was a time when people took the time to know one another. Now there is something called "the three date rule".

I also (this is an addendum) cannot stand the phrase "having sex". I prefer anything to that. "Fucking" works just fine. Having coffee. Having dinner. Having sex. It is reduced to an activity. Maybe someone can give a good explanation of how that happened.



NorthernGent -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (7/3/2010 12:53:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hankyspanky2

I'm a little new so please be gentle with me. I've only met two Dom men and have only had play type situations with them. On my first play date with the 2nd guy, I went and stayed at his house for a couple of days-there was a long communication on both our parts beforehand, and safe call information given. I felt comfortable with him and trusted him. We spent time talking, we cooked together, went to the cinema together, shopping etc. It was on the 2nd day of our first date/play session that we had sex, it felt right (I did wonder if this was too soon), but naturally I enjoyed it as much as him.

So my question is this:

Men are supposedly (according to internet articles/magazines and even addmissions themselves) to like/enjoy a challenge or the chase, and that ultimately if a woman has sex with him too soon-then his desire for you diminishes, you've given him the goods, there's nothing left to wonder about.

But then as a submissive woman, when your deep felt desire is to please him, how can you and why should you even withhold this? Would you want her more and pursue her more if she withheld from sex? or does it not matter, or bare any relevance to the D/s way of sexual life?

Just interested in hearing some male dom thoughts on this.

Thanks x



I think you may be underestimating some men.

I can absolutely guarantee you that any woman I consider for a long term relationship......sex of any description isn't on the agenda until I think it's a good idea. And that's nothing to do with attraction diminishing....it's to do with the fact that it's healthy for me to place the character of a woman at the top of my agenda.

And....to answer the question.....I would expect the same from a woman.....i.e. where we're considering a relationship....then the priority is to spend time finding out a bit about one another's character.



Nineveh -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (7/3/2010 12:57:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

Sex too soon - hmmm. What I think is inane is two people who barely know one another "having sex", and then there is an assumption that they are in a relationship. Great. Sex makes a relationship? I dont think so, unless it is specifically a sexual relationship. I find people doing this whether they are 16 or 66 - a couple of evenings together, then sex, then they are a couple.

So for me, if I want a relationship, its important that I have someone (which I do) who has the same relationship values as I do. There was a time when people took the time to know one another. Now there is something called "the three date rule".

I also (this is an addendum) cannot stand the phrase "having sex". I prefer anything to that. "Fucking" works just fine. Having coffee. Having dinner. Having sex. It is reduced to an activity. Maybe someone can give a good explanation of how that happened.


Having sex is a generic term.  It covers everything from rough nasty fucking to making love and all the various levels in between.  It is an activity, and it can be as mundane as having coffee, for some people.  Or it can be as intense as anything in the world.



littlewonder -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (7/4/2010 3:02:50 PM)

I admit the night I met Master I wanted and desired him above all else that evening. I begged him to fuck me, use me, anything at all. I found him so incredibly hot that I would have done anything for him right then and there.

....thankfully he refused allowing me to hold onto my last shred of dignity and it made me respect HIM even more.

I still stand by my previous posts though stating I think waiting is better if you're looking for a real long term relationship.



Firebirdseeking -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (7/4/2010 4:57:00 PM)

My comment is that I simply detest the phrase and that it assigns sex to an activity like having dinner, having coffee, having dessert - for me, sex is not an activity.



AQuietSimpleMan -> RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... (7/4/2010 5:17:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

My comment is that I simply detest the phrase and that it assigns sex to an activity like having dinner, having coffee, having dessert - for me, sex is not an activity.


And Yet for me it is.

I assign emotion to the Person, not to the action. Meaning I can have sex with anyone, when I have sex with someone I have feeling for the activity is heightened for me.

QSM



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