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Dustyn -> got a question (4/14/2006 12:28:07 AM)
Has anyone else had a problem of trying to reconcile a friendship when the BD/SM aspect of the relationship has basically failed?

MsMacComb -> RE: got a question (4/14/2006 12:36:46 AM)
Maintaining friendships through the years can be difficult no matter what the basis of the relationship was initially. Any time there was more "intimate" relations it often compounds the potential problems. However, I have over the years had some friendships that lasted beyond that aspect and other that didnt. I suppose it just depends on how important it is to both parties.

acctonthelook -> RE: got a question (4/14/2006 12:42:12 AM)
Yes, I have tried to maintain a friendship though he continues to push the sexual and dominance issue with me. I tell him we are not going there, b/c of many factors. I know in a way he's obsessing over me. I can feel it. He has never had the chance to actually dominate me in play and I know he thinks of it A LOT. So far, he promised not to read my posts and respect my privacy, but I know he has b/c he's not chatting online anymore or of late. Imo, the forums help me in many ways: laughter, personal issues, self discovery, etc. Sometimes I talk about him (tho I never used his name) b/c he's been a great and caring mentor in my life. When I asked him not to read my posts, I hope he respected that. If not, I cannot worry about it either. I cannot possibly be everything for him. He has other responsibilities that don't allow him to cherish me the way I need. I try to be friends, he just wants more than I'm willing to offer because of his responsibilities. Sometimes that's the way things go, unfortunately. He will either get over it or he will not. We will remain friendly or we won't. I'm not the one with responsibilities getting in the way.

kisshou -> RE: got a question (4/14/2006 5:20:34 AM)
Yes, there was a man who was in love with me and wanted to marry me. I explained to him that I wanted to be with a Dominant male in a structured D/s relationship. The whole time we were together he constantly tried to please me. After I told him this , he then tried to act dominantly but since his motivation was to please me and be with me, I knew it would never work. I loved him a great deal as a friend but since I didn't want to marry him, it ended the friendship.

starymists -> RE: got a question (4/14/2006 8:37:34 AM)
Perhaps I'm lucky, but I've managed to maintain friendships after the romance part is over. But more than luck, I think it's because if I'm going to start a relationship, my emphasis is always on friendship first. I take my time and get to know the person. We spend time doing vanilla things, hanging out, talking, getting to know each other so that if and when the relationship is over, the basis of friendship remains. Because the empahsis remains on the friendship, the base is always there should things in other departments not work out.

murmur -> RE: got a question (4/14/2006 10:54:01 AM)
well...even the friendship part didnt work for me. i tried to feel even a bit of complicity with him, because of what we shared but it seems like that complicity was only based on the physical part. everytime i tried to start a new converstation, he made a sort of loop to came back to to the bdsm subject (by not-so-subtle innuendos) it was annoying at best cause i knew i didnt wanted anything more with him. everytime he wanted to see me, i just felt there was something behind that friendship only talk and i didnt like it. it seems...stopping to talk with me was the solution of the problem for him (shrugs).

Sunshine119 -> RE: got a question (4/14/2006 11:52:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dustyn Has anyone else had a problem of trying to reconcile a friendship when the BD/SM aspect of the relationship has basically failed? IMHO, it is difficult to keep, as friends, those who have been lovers. It seems the same holds true in BDSM relationships as well. Not impossible, some do manage. But, too difficult for most.

WyrdRich -> RE: got a question (4/14/2006 12:01:46 PM)
It depends on what the original foundation of the relationship was. People you go through hard times with often seem to be your closest and most trusted friends but add some time and distance and those tend to fade. Thinking about the friends I've been tight with for 15, 20, 30 years or more, the foundation is built on laughing together.

Phoenixandnika -> RE: got a question (4/14/2006 12:11:00 PM)
I think even as friends people can and do grow apart. I think friendships like any relationship takes work and both people have to be willing and able to put effort out. I think that sometimes muddying the ground with sexual intimacy can ruin friendship simply because it changes the dynamics and once that is done it is hard to go back. Other times people simply loose contact because they have taken different paths in their lives. I will admit I was hesitant on moving past a friendship to a M/s relationship with Phoenix because I was afraid, heck terrified of loosing my best friend because the M/s did not work out. Nika{Phoenix}

Sub03 -> RE: got a question (4/14/2006 12:20:11 PM)
Staying friends with someone that you used to serve isnt easy. Trying to stay friends with my ex Dom and while i want friendship he wants way more. I say no and he tries to get me to agree. I dint think the friendship is worth it if he cant accept it as just friends.

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: got a question (4/14/2006 12:44:42 PM)
It depends. You are referring to BD & SM according to your post. If it was strictly play time along with laughs afterward, no problem. That is one aspect of a friendship that just no longer exists. If you are referring to D/s or M/s, that implies a more intimate relationship that incorpated much more than BDSM scenes. In that case, it is much more difficult, and usually doesn't happen. Kind of like going through a break up. There was a reason one person wasn't happy, and the other person is usually not going to be satisfied with less. Unless the parting is mutual and respectful. The apsects of the relationship were intertwined, therefore it is much harder to move to a straight friendship.

Sensualips -> RE: got a question (4/14/2006 2:42:54 PM)
Jeeesh Dustyn, is two weeks up already? ;)

Dustyn -> RE: got a question (4/14/2006 3:31:03 PM)
she contacted me, but in the end, it doesn't really matter

RiotGirl -> RE: got a question (4/14/2006 3:55:08 PM)
hmmm. Well i manage to stay friends with the guys i've broken up with over the years. The only boyfriend i wasnt able to stay friends with was one that i caught cheating on me. He couldnt handle knowing he did wrong. Eh well. Now, i could say yes/no to the bdsm thing. They're were a few doms i spoke to and "tried" with over the years. One of them was angry with me breaking it off with him, but in the end and he's gotten over it, we're friends. Another Dom, when things were going some where, ended up not going anywhere and we're still friends. Another dom that i just basically walked out on stayed friends, we stayed friends until over time and distance i just lost contact with him. Ahh.. and there was one "Dom" who i dated for about 6 months, but he wasnt really dominant, he was submissive and he just didnt give me what i need. And i broke up with him and i think i broke his heart.. or just seriously pissed him off.. that i was never able to stay friends with. Though i did contact him a few times reaching out to be friends. hmm that about covers it i think. So i'd say it depends on the ppl [:)]

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