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Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 4:56:49 AM

needs2beused

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

Hello,
i have never posted here but i have a problem and i do not who else to ask without possibly causing problems and the forums seem to be great here! i am not new to this lifestyle and have never had this problem before. i recently met a Dom via online then in a group event. His words & actions at that time showed me he wasn't a wannabe so we met privately. The problem is he is hitting what i understand to be the wrong places on my body such as my tail bone, wrapping the whip around my sides of particular concern is around my waist, and finally last night he was slapping my face which caused my ears to ring and now my right ear still hurts and feels odd. i really like him and he is wonderful in many ways but how do i address this? These seem to be problems of someone new to the life which he says he isn't. i would like to continue seeing him but i do have to protect my health. Please help!
I hope this wasn't too long but i wanted to be clear. Thank you for any insight you can provide.

Post #: 1

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 5:46:19 AM

Areflectionofyou

Posts: 258
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline

Talk to him

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 2

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 6:00:10 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

Talking to him may or may not help but it is the best thing for you to do. If he has been in as long as he says then he might be set in his ways and not listen. You might hurt his feelings to talk to him about it. Yes, some Doms have feelings too. If he is caring at all about the person he is with and how his technique, he'll listen and work on it. Remember when you speak to him to be respectful and mindful of who and how your talk to him.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to Areflectionofyou)

Post #: 3

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 6:02:36 AM

DelRey

Posts: 314
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

he may not be new to the lifestyle, however what you are describing is total inexperience. If you are not willing to bring up the subject with him you better find some "how to" links and or some real explicit "teaching" video clips.

Good luck

(in reply to Areflectionofyou)

Post #: 4

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 6:08:17 AM

sweetbbwsub31

Posts: 331
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline

i am not understanding. If you are comfortable enough to have a scene with this man why can't you do something as simple as communicate with him? If he is hurting you and you are uncomfortable with it... please talk to him. If he doesn't respect you enough to stop.. move on.

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 5

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 6:47:39 AM

needs2beused

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

Hi again,
I am horrible at talking to people i tend to feel so afraid of how they will react and i guess what i really need is help with words and phrasing. i also worry about coming across as bossy or rude and i have a tendency to be very flakey about it. i have alot to learn about talking to Dom/mes and well people in general. How do you say you're doing this wrong and not sound rude?
Thanks again

(in reply to sweetbbwsub31)

Post #: 6

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 7:11:58 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: needs2beused

Hi again,
I am horrible at talking to people i tend to feel so afraid of how they will react and i guess what i really need is help with words and phrasing. i also worry about coming across as bossy or rude and i have a tendency to be very flakey about it. i have alot to learn about talking to Dom/mes and well people in general. How do you say you're doing this wrong and not sound rude?
Thanks again

He needs to know that what he is doing is causing harm beyond the scene. I would guess that even those who enjoy pain know when pain has gone "wrong". I would encourage you to describe your issues to him just as you did here. Talk to him about where he is hitting you and the after effects. If he is willing to listen and make some changes to make sure you are safe, cool. If not, you need to make the decision to protect yourself or stay in a situation which is unsafe. The decision should be easy at that point.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 7

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 7:24:34 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

When you talk to him (note I said "when", not "if", because a sub is ALWAYS very much within her rights to protect HERSELF if her "Dom" is not.) talk to him in a non-accusatory manner, using "I" and "Me" words....."it hurts ME when I'm hit there", or "that hard" or "that way". "I am really uncomfortable with this particular move", etc. Don't say "You're doing this wrong" or other accusatory phrases, (even if they're true, lol) Don't worry about hurting his feelings. Your body and mind are being hurt, and it's not okay for him, or anyone, to do that just because they believe they are "dominant". If he is going to be someone's "Dom", then he needs to learn that he is not perfect, and that there is always room for more learning and education. Because, based on what you have said, he is clearly inexperienced and/or not completely educated in important techniques, and it is IMPERATIVE that he know exactly what he is doing before he performs his techniques on another human being.

Just because he talks a good talk at the munches doesn't mean he has good real time experience. If he brushes off what you say, or criticizes you for taking care of yourself, then drop him, he's not worth your time. You deserve much better. I know you are excited at finding someone who wants to play with you in real time, but don't be desperate enough to take whatever comes along. You are not obligated to accept behavior that you are uncomfortable with. just because he calls himself "Dom".

It will do BOTH of you good in your personal growth.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

Post #: 8

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 7:53:37 AM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

If you have an email address for the man you could simply pass him this thread.

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 9

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 8:17:23 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Needs,

There is a technique that helps when discussing hard issues, well there are probably thousands of techniques but here is one that has served me well.

Learn the difference between an "I" statement and a "you" statement.

Which sounds better and less confronting:

I am worried about my tailbone...
You are hitting my tailbone...

The "I" statement invites him to protect you, the "you" statement accuses him of hurting you.

Develop an inner observer that watches your reactions and listen to how you use "I" and "you".

But other posters are right, you need to deal with this. Who knows, perhaps he has had a string of subs who didn't know any better and you are the first to have the experience to notice. Either way, you need to let him know he needs to change his technique!

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 10

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 8:31:35 AM

impishlilhellcat

Posts: 4379
Joined: 3/26/2006
Status: offline

I really like that idea CrappyDom. I've always had problems communicating my fears while scening and that seems an appropriate way to go about it without seeming confrontative.

_____________________________

Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book - Unknown

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 11

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 8:35:41 AM

MistressDiane

Posts: 334
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline

There are times when you have to get over your fear of how you come across. This is one of them. you really need to take responsibility for yourself and just put it out there. If he has any substance at all he'll be understanding if not then you're dealing with the wrong Dom.

_____________________________

Ms. Diane
"..and they who danced were thought insane by those who refused to hear the music." ~Monet

*Suffer BayBeee!!!!!*

"My treasures do not sparkle or glitter, they shine in the sun and neigh in the night."

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 12

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 8:37:44 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I should perhaps add a caveat. Doing this isn't as easy as it sounds so don't get frustrated or feel like a failure if you don't get it.

Took me a few years to really get decent at it, please note I said decent, not perfect.

Those of us who live in or near SF are very lucky in that there are a host of S&M involved therapists like Dossie Eastin and others. For those who don't know, they do a lot of work on the phone for those in the rest of the 50 states.
http://www.bannon.com/kap/

(in reply to impishlilhellcat)

Post #: 13

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 10:08:38 AM

CanadianGuy

Posts: 219
Status: offline

This won't help immediately, but I would consider some assertiveness training. You should be able to communicate your needs without coming across as confrontational or flakey, as you put it. You've got to be able to speak up for yourself, without getting angry or rude, otherwise you'll go through life either not getting what you want, or damaging relationships.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 14

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 10:18:38 AM

Phoenixandnika

Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline

Dominates are not perfect, even the experienced ones. Sometimes they hit where they didnt mean to or hit harder than they wanted. To me a "true" dominate would want you to be open and honest about your concerns. If for no other reason a dominate ultimately wants to (or should want to) protect you even from himself.

I agree that using "I" statements is the best way to approach situations like this - it focuses on your feelings and why they are there rather than accusing or appearing to.

If you are not comfortable with a face to face conversation about this write him aletter and give it to him that is an easy way to open the door to conversatoin. It also give you away to edit your thoughts in a sense and for him to edit his response. However, I would ask myself if I can not openly communicate with someone how is it I can put myself , my safety in his/her hands.

Remember communication is the key to ANY relationship.

Nika{Phoenix}

< Message edited by Phoenixandnika -- 4/14/2006 10:19:25 AM >

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 15

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 4/14/2006 10:38:29 AM

needs2beused

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

Thank you so much and i took all of the advice. We spoke this morning as he wanted to see how i was and we discussed some things. Also decided that we need to discuss more things and are planning a date for that. I agree with all that was said. i do need to learn how to be assertive and not angery and a therapist would be great! So glad i found out about this site and again thank you very much!

(in reply to Phoenixandnika)

Post #: 16

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 5/7/2006 8:31:57 AM

Slavebinder

Posts: 11
Joined: 3/13/2005
Status: offline

If he is a considerate Dom then he'll listen. he has to understand that BDSM is enjoyable to both of you and that there is a difference between hurting someone and 'hurting' them.

I would think that he would be mortified if he physically injured you in some way so tell him as soon as possible. You have your limits and you have the right to explain those limits to him. He has the obligation to respect those limits without question.

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 17

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 5/7/2006 9:11:22 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear needs2beused, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I mentor a lot of TOPS, Dominants, Masters and Mistresses. One thing that jumps out at me that is not spoken is, the real need to see how a Dominant handles their tools.

I have yet to have any dominant get hurt feelings, when a submissive/slave asks to:
1.   Inspect the quality of each tool. Whip tails clean, trim, soft, made well? Or, is the
      leather rough, dry, stiff or what is called "dead leather," something found at a cheap
      vendor table, like a key ring flogger. Crops and canes? Splintered? rough? etc.
2.   Does the dominant know the effect each tool provides? Soft and thuddy? Stingy?
3.   Can he demonstrate the use of the toy on a pillow, a person (that is best), calling
      the site aimed at and hitting it consistantly? Use post-a-notes or tape to create 4
      target sites and have the target at an angle (as beehinds stick out a wee bit more than one's back)--Does this dominant have trouble with depth perception and or color blind?
4.   Does he know the meaning of "wrapping" (Which is around the waistline, off target
      hitting the no hit zones?) Does he know how to call out 'consensual wrap' and
      gently wrap?

I realize, that at times dominants have months, years in between finding partners, so skills can be a bit rusty. There is no shame in that however, there is no shame in being a slave, unbound and backing into the whip as they maintain their style and throw of the flogger or single tail. Being loose, you can inch all different ways, as to make it fit your comfort level and not threaten a Dominant's pride. New or old timer; by having the dominant consentrate on their skills and target aim, you backing in to the right touch--both win.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 18

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 5/8/2006 6:52:33 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Sometimes tops get trained to a particular type of body or swing and it can be hard to adjust.

I'd go with just talking to him casually saying "I really hard a hard time getting into the scene because it felt like you were hitting all of the "bad" spots on my body and not at all the places where my body processes pain in the good way. Is that part of your technique?"

That alone right there should be enough to get the ball rolling.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 19

RE: Talking to a Dom/Master about technique - 5/8/2006 10:53:25 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

"I respectfully wish to inform you that i am not enjoying this aspect of my experiance Sir."

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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