Lockit
Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007 Status: offline
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First let me say I am sorry about the length of this, but I just don't know how to explain my evolution with less words. There was a turning point in my life where one could say I crossed over. I went from a little girl who watched everything, learned anything she could, preferred playing with boys at boy type activity and beating them at their own game. I became a very aware teen who was the leader of the pack, let her boyfriends know they were in charge until they were about to screw up and then took charge and stayed in that place. I was taught men were supposed to be in charge, but they really weren’t. We just convinced them they were and really ruled the situation, which I found manipulative, but because I understood how it was supposed to be I just gave my opinions about it all and tried to work it out. Kind of like the little kid in school picked on by bullies that stood there, looked them in the eye and said… oh yeah… fist clenched and determined to show them what was what. I tried it mom’s way, found my own through experiencing relationships where men were in charge and yet I found I was better at being in charge. So I decided it was going to be different and to hell with how society or the women in my life did it. I was going to do it my way. I wanted to be in charge. I went on to have two role reversal relationships where I worked and supported us and they stayed home and took very good care of me. I called them my male wives. It wasn’t a sexual thing, but an independence thing and I just felt I took on the male role. I liked it better, but I was all woman and soft, cuddly and nurturing until I had to be in your face, telling you how it was going to be. I worked for others, but I was the next person to the owner. I was in charge of the day to day running of the business. Working for social change in areas I felt were unfair, my first cause was fathers rights. My second was domestic abuse and women and childrens issues. I thought dominance was an ugly word and therefore submission had to be as well, because I saw the ugly sides of these things and the damage done because of them. I could not relate how I lived and was true to who I was, to this ugliness and didn’t see what I did as dominance. I was simply a leader and in charge. I was doing some research and became aware of bdsm through a dominant male I met online who became a problem for me, that I needed to understand. That was my great turning point in life. While repulsed by it all, I was strangely drawn to it. I had to figure it out. The more I googled, the more I read, the more I interacted with those in the lifestyle, I saw myself in the dominant men. I was reading about the type of person I was. I was very fortunate to have found some amazing people in the lifestyle and found their character to be amazingly close to mine and I saw the beauty of what could be shared in a d/s relationship. I’d been living it quite a bit in my life and had no clue, no titles, nothing set in stone, but for the most part, I lived a female led life. Now I had words to describe what I had been doing. I never paid attention to things I saw kink-wise as I had a pretty fulfilling life and sexual happiness where I did love the power of the turn on and what I could do to a man. But that was it and boy oh boy this new world I had found was very interesting and I actually found I fit. It clarified things for me. When I read what Lady Pact says it just rings all sorts of bells and I wonder that with more time, will I too find that sadistic streak in me? I have had no interest in much sadism and considered myself very mild in kink, but very much in lead. But the longer I am around and when I have someone I wish to play with, I do find that curiosity, desire and the look of my man whom I am feeding off of, inspires a bit more sadism in me. So I consider myself a baby steppin sadist who wasn’t all into it, but is seeing the potential for growth in this area. LOL I still consider myself basically a woman who wants to live a female led life, but who has some kinky aspects to her sensual dominance. How I mature as a sadist is yet to be discovered. I doubt seriously that I will ever go to places other dominant women have, but that’s okay with me. I am happy where I am. So a man brought me to a turning point. All the men of my life did, but one showed me what I had no clue about and it wasn’t a submissive man who changed me, but a dominant man that helped explain me by leading me to people into bdsm and d/s. I want to know the kink of a man I am interested in, but I will be in charge of when and how that comes out. When I feel I am ready, they are ready and the relationship is ready, it will be discussed and explored. So something of a relationship of some sort has to be in place before I am open to suggestion or even an interest. Some people bring out my dominant feelings and that grrr just comes from deep inside. I kind of think that there has to be something, maybe hidden inside a woman that leans towards dominance as well as a bit of the submissive in vanilla men who might be converted as you say. In my opinion, something has to be there in the first place, but that is from my view and experience. I could be totally wrong.
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No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!
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