How does a BDSM marriage work?

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How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 9:52:47 AM

AudraLove

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Joined: 6/17/2010
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I have been married to my husband for 5 years and have recently been introduced to the BDSM lifestyle online. I would like to carry this over into real life and since I dont want to cheat on my husband I would like to introduce him as well. Does anyone know the best way to do this. I have a feeling he would be a very good Dom, but he would have problems punishing me I think.

Any help would be appreciated.

Post #: 1

RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 9:56:14 AM

BitaTruble

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From: Texas
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You could try behaving then there won't be any need for punishment.

_____________________________

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He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to AudraLove)

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RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 9:57:05 AM

Tiegaguinrubber

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Joined: 4/3/2008
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I'm also in the same position long term wife and i too found the BDSM pull online too much, but just dont' know how to approach it. She knows my kinks and i have had the luck of buying a few items, gags, restraints etc and she tollerates it, but doesn't talk or express herself to me about it.

(in reply to AudraLove)

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RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 10:13:24 AM

AudraLove

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I try to behave, but no one is perfect.

(in reply to Tiegaguinrubber)

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RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 10:32:18 AM

LadyPact

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Have you considered getting a copy of the book "When Someone You Love Is Kinky"?

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(in reply to AudraLove)

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RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 11:36:34 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Not all power relationships include a punishment dynamic. Even for those that do, the truth is that a successful relationship is going to utilize a punishment perhaps only a couple of times inside of five years. The people who talk about constant punishment aren't having good communication and the dominants aren't capable of teaching the submissive to succeed, instead they punish the sub for their own failure.

Just remember that as much as you deserve to have your perfect relationship, so does your husband. So you will have to do a lot of talking and negotiating to get both of your desires fulfilled.

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RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 11:37:56 AM

AudraLove

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Thanks to all for responding!!!

(in reply to DesFIP)

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RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 4:16:18 PM

DarlingSavage

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Oh, just admit it, you WANT to be punished! Isn't that the whole basis for BDSM?

Choke me, spank me, pull my hair!

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Puppy dogs are my favorite people!

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RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 4:18:23 PM

KneelingSub25

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From: New York City
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I would much prefer to be challenged than punished, if I were given a choice in the matter. Punishment doesn't really make things better for anyone, does it?

(in reply to DarlingSavage)

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RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 4:21:23 PM

DarlingSavage

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KneelingSub25

I would much prefer to be challenged than punished, if I were given a choice in the matter. Punishment doesn't really make things better for anyone, does it?

It depends on how much you like it, don't ya think? It's all in good fun!

_____________________________

<-- Easily amused.
<-- Easily impressed.

Strangers have the BEST candy!

Puppy dogs are my favorite people!

(in reply to KneelingSub25)

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RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 4:23:14 PM

KneelingSub25

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From: New York City
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But of course that begs the question: is it still punishment if it's fun? :D

(in reply to DarlingSavage)

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RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 4:35:35 PM

peppermint

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From: Montana
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quote:

Even for those that do, the truth is that a successful relationship is going to utilize a punishment perhaps only a couple of times inside of five years.

I very much agree with this statement. In the nearly 5 years we've been together he's punished me just once. It was near the beginning of our relationship and the punishment was that I could not read my books for 5 days.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 12

RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 4:45:31 PM

VampiresLair

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OP, you also have to keep in mind that he may not be interested in being Dominant the way you have seen online. Not everyone is into this, and honestly you do not even know if you truly are since you have only had online exposure. Talk to him about whether or not he would like to try it out, and see if it works for both of you. It might, or it might not. If it does, fantastic, but if it does not then you will have to decide what is more important to you.

Introducing a partner into the lifestyle when neither of you had the interest in the beginning is difficult, because you will now have to explain where the interest came from. Are you willing and able to do that without making it look as if you were hoping to cheat? Why dont you just let him read what you have been reading, and expose him to the same source you were exposed to, see what he thinks. If it had such a major impact on you, it might do the same with him.

There are versions of power exchange relationships that are not physically dependent. 1950s household, for instance, has over the knee spankings as about the most forceful punishment if you want to go that route. Not all Dominants are sadists, and not all of us punish physically if something is done incorrectly. If he is interested in being doinant, you need to let him figure out what sort of dominant he is, rather than push him in the direction of what you want. Otherwise, you are not going to be dominated, but he will be playing a part. He needs to find his own way if he will be a good dominant, regardless of what you want him to behave like, and then the two of you compromise.

DV

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(in reply to peppermint)

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RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 4:47:19 PM

DarlingSavage

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KneelingSub25

But of course that begs the question: is it still punishment if it's fun? :D

I respond to this question with a question:

WHO CARES? As long as I'm happy and having fun, it's all good from the front to the back, from the right to the left! I want kinky sex! I don't really need to be punished. However, I do need kinky sex and lots of spankings and play time! YAY!

_____________________________

<-- Easily amused.
<-- Easily impressed.

Strangers have the BEST candy!

Puppy dogs are my favorite people!

(in reply to KneelingSub25)

Post #: 14

RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 5:15:41 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

FUNishment is yummy.

But real punishment? Nope. Not to my slaveboy and I.

I specifically chose a slave who's not a SAM, or brat, because I have no interest in that sort of thing. If he makes mistakes that's fine. We all do. But I chose a slave who is willingly obedient, because I have no interest at all in a reward/punishment dynamic.

OP, is it funishment you're after, or do you truly want a reward/punishment dynamic?

He's vanilla. He may not have any real understanding of- or interest in- bringing a BDSM orientation to your marriage. Be prepared for that, and for him to try to fill your needs even though he may not be feelin' it, and its just not his thing.

Also, make sure you are ready to clearly convey to him that this is not something you want confined to your sexual relationship. Men think with their dicks. Trust me: he will not get it, without a LOT of very specific communication on your part. He'll think you just want kinky sex. He'll see the tip of the iceberg, and think thats all there is to it.

Basically OP, if you're already in a vanilla marriage, it may feel terribly unfair to him that you want to change the established dynamic. He married you because he thought you were like him (vanilla), but now it turns out that you're not- and you want him to change who he is. It may feel like a bait-and-switch to him, and he's likely to resent it. He may be baffled and upset wondering why the person he was, that originally attracted you to him, is now no longer enough. And you may end up feeling deeply frustrated and unfulfilled, when after years of effort on your part, he still doesn't have the slightest clue what really drives you, or how to address your needs.

Good luck. You'll need it.

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(in reply to AudraLove)

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RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 5:46:48 PM

DarlingSavage

Posts: 2808
Joined: 9/18/2009
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quote:

FUNishment is yummy.

Now we're talkin'!

_____________________________

<-- Easily amused.
<-- Easily impressed.

Strangers have the BEST candy!

Puppy dogs are my favorite people!

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 16

RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 6:04:55 PM

zarya

Posts: 1
Status: offline

In my case...
My husband is vanilla. He's looked into BDSM and he's not into it. And when I thought about it... I am not interested in having him as my Dom. I don't want him to change. I married him as vanilla and love him as vanilla. I have kinks he simply cannot fulfill. We had lengthy, in-depth conversations about it. Our solution is for me to play. Hubby knows that I play but does not want to know the details. Hubby asked that I do a one-on-one D/s relationship. I found a Dom who will not share me. I don't see it as cheating because I haven't lied or done things behind his back.

You've gotten good advice so far. Communicate. You find out what you want and need. He finds out what he wants and he needs. Then both of you figure out what is going to work for your marriage.

Good luck!

(in reply to AudraLove)

Post #: 17

RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 8:24:35 PM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
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I find that the questions puzzles me as do the responses. Are we talking about BEDROOM dominance and submission? it sounds like most here are. Because to me, a BDSM lifestyle is NOT on line, there is no such thing as an online lifestyle unless your world is on line. I think if you are submissive,( as opposed to being a "bottom" or "bedroom" sub) then you have always been that way, meaning that you yearn for/need to be led by someone you perceive is able to lead; and if you are dominant, you need to lead. These traits cannot be "introduced", nor do they go away. Unless, of course, you are playing a role. D/s is not necessarily about kink, and kink is not necessarily about D/s. When someone is vanilla, that means to me that they do not think about power dynamics, and are not into any kind of kink. Some vanilla marriages use some kind of kink in their sex "play"; that does not mean they have a D/s relationship, or that they are into BDSM.

(in reply to zarya)

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RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 6/29/2010 10:14:08 PM

laurell3

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Joined: 5/5/2005
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VampiresLair, good to see you again!

OP: You can make your dynamic about whatever works for the two of you. I don't typically engage in "punishment" dynamics personally. That's not to say they're wrong, they're just not something that works that well for me. You could also avoid having that in your dynamic. The odd thing I have found about this whole thing is the things you thought were really hot in theory can end up being the opposite and vice versa. Sit down and talk about it and come up with what works for the two of you and start experimenting and molding as you go.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to VampiresLair)

Post #: 19

RE: How does a BDSM marriage work? - 7/9/2010 6:48:11 PM

joey46

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Joined: 8/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

Basically OP, if you're already in a vanilla marriage, it may feel terribly unfair to him that you want to change the established dynamic. He married you because he thought you were like him (vanilla), but now it turns out that you're not- and you want him to change who he is. It may feel like a bait-and-switch to him, and he's likely to resent it. He may be baffled and upset wondering why the person he was, that originally attracted you to him, is now no longer enough.

Someone once said that we are never as dishonest as we are in courtship. We want to be so good, so perfect, so everything that we inadvertently end up with a "bait-and-switch" feeling in our partner. Anything can be forgiven when we are hot for each other, but hold it until later and then watch out!

That having been said, I do think that you can keep a relationship alive and growing through all kinds of changes, but you have to be patient, honest, and willing to embrace some really deep psychological processing. Why do you want to be sub? What does it feel like to you? What do you seek?

And . . . get ready to find out what he really wants and what that means to him. It doesn't just go one way and it seldom works out exactly like either person pictured it. Do it right and it is usually better than either thought it could be, but not tidy. Sometimes it ends up in having to make a decision that you'd rather not face.

Some 30 years ago or so, I brought up this topic with a lovely, exciting lady only to learn that in her own inner world, she was longing to be submissive too. We had some great times chewing on that one together. We even made the acquaintance of several dominant couples with whom we shared some wild vacations.

In the end though, we parted good friends and each of us found a partner who wanted to sit on the other end of the teeter-totter.

You always have to know that opening these kinds of things up can end that way, or worse.

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 20

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