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help a struggling LDR!! - 6/30/2010 2:51:32 PM   
SophiaChan


Posts: 15
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline 		We haven't been together for about 5 months now. I have decided to move back to where we lived as it is the only way for us to be together. When we were together, he owned me and I was his adoring pet. But, these days, since there is no physical relationship, the dominance and submissive side of us has nearly died. I am so incredibly disappointed with this and feel very abandoned as a submissive. We still love each other and want to be together. In a very recent fight (and fights seem to be the most interesting conversations we have these days), I accused him of not living up to a dominant's role in this relationship and he accused me of being a pathetic submissive who only cares about using this game to get off. I said "well, a puppy is only as well trained as his Master makes him be." So, have I gone too far now? Should he or I or both of us just give up? I promised myself that I wouldn't give up until I could see him in front of my eyes again. One thing has become very clear, we need HELP!!! Any and all advice is welcome..
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RE: help a struggling LDR!! - 6/30/2010 2:53:39 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		We dont know your relationship enough to tell you whats best. Onlythe two of you can decide that.Communiction is best right now. But hold the accusations.

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RE: help a struggling LDR!! - 6/30/2010 3:00:50 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		People fight, it's gonna happen. I don't see how anyone can keep it together with out seeing each other regularly.

How regularly depends on the people. For you, 5 months is too long.

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RE: help a struggling LDR!! - 6/30/2010 3:14:40 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

We dont know your relationship enough to tell you whats best. Onlythe two of you can decide that.Communiction is best right now. But hold the accusations.


To the OP

Have you both been able to discuss what it is that you are each needing now that that the relationship has shifted to an LDR?
Are you both feeling heard?
What does he need from you (and the relationship), and how does he think you have been missing meeting that (or those)
need(s)?
What do you need from him that you aren't receiving? How can he better meet that and how can you better receive it?
Relationships take a committment from 2 people. It is sometimes hard to see or show a committment when you are both on the edge of rancor. It takes time to mend hurt feelings and during that time perhaps you should each examine how in 5 months things got to this point.




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RE: help a struggling LDR!! - 6/30/2010 3:23:03 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		Fights happen. You need to hold back from making the accusations (centered around orientation or even gender), it may do more harm than good. If you find your fights are more centered around fighting each other, than fighting about the issues, you really ain't gonna get anywhere.

I would say, YEAH, you went too far and into places you should not have went in your recent fight.

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RE: help a struggling LDR!! - 6/30/2010 3:48:47 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		It's been my experience that people love one another for who they are or what they do for oneself.

I think answering why you love him (for who he is or what he does for you?) might provide you with some insight of the issues you are having now.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 6/30/2010 3:50:06 PM >

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RE: help a struggling LDR!! - 6/30/2010 4:43:27 PM   
bestheadyet


Posts: 266
Joined: 2/3/2010
Status: offline 		i have been where you are as of this week....i can only tell you from MY experience that the forum people can uplift you or they can tear you down.....so be aware:)
 
i felt abandoned....and needy and was given  a link about 'sub-frenzy' that seemed to hit the nail on the head for me.  http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/Lifestyle/sub_frenzies.htm

i love my M but if there is no physical relationship.....well hey we all have to do what
we have to do huh.

i was told this.....if it makes you feel badly,talk to Him. if theres fighting and no resolution....well ....there's a large crowd of online friends that will give you virtual hugs and good support til you get back out and try try again

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RE: help a struggling LDR!! - 6/30/2010 4:54:46 PM   
loverly


Posts: 236
Joined: 1/23/2004
Status: offline 		i would want to ask first off WHY you are now a LDR when it didnt start that way and WHY you'd move away from HIM if it was so good? after that i would just remind that communication ( like everyone has said here so far) is the key and trying not to get upset and point fingers.. Own the feelings and thoughts and speak only for yourself.. this takes some doing when we are upset i know but then..if you feel angry or so upset you are seeig red, then excuse yourself, ask for a min or more time if needed, until you can calmly discuss it again without being on the attack and defensive. Listening is also important here.. sometimes much more than speaking.

Something i learned and practice ( or try to .. hey! i Am Irish and a Leo! lol) is.. the louder or more shit that is slung at me.. the Quieter and less i say. This causes the other person to have to quiet down to hear and makes them ( usually) realize they are being the slinger! rather than the slingee! it took me a while to be able to put this into practice but it does work.

Then again...? sometimes we create situations where breaking up is easier ............................

i hope things work out for you both and that you can return to the happiness you found before... or more even .. shame its long distance.. Make Up sex is the best sometimes!

Did you go too far? Only He knows that for sure but i would say maybe .... tho.. perhaps you were pushed to do so .. as i said.

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RE: help a struggling LDR!! - 6/30/2010 5:04:42 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		You've already had some great pointers on this thread,

I'd say, sincerely, that you're only going to get the answer by communicating with your Dom (But I'm guessing you don't need to be told that).

As the Anteater said - it could simply be that you need a real life physical connection on a more regular basis than 5 months plus. That's not a reflection on your character or quality - it's just how you're made.

The only other bit of advice I'd offer up, is something I was told by a Jesuit Priest (I shit you not!) a loooong time ago...

He said "When you're in the middle of a heated discussion - take the time to ask yourself 'Is what I'm about to say going to help us get closer to a resolution, or make things harder?', we often forget why we began the conversation and end up simply trying to pick on eachother."

I'm not saying for a second that I apply this advice all the time myself, but I can say that on those occasions when I have the wit to remember it, arguments and misunderstandings tend to go a lot better.


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RE: help a struggling LDR!! - 6/30/2010 5:53:16 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Take time.

Be gentle and patient with one another.

And as others have said: figure out the dynamics that are going on between you. The "why's", not just the "what's". You can't expect to change what you don't understand.

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RE: help a struggling LDR!! - 7/1/2010 6:09:42 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		My experience back when we were ldr was to not expect each other to force the same feelings that arose naturally when we were together. Instead, we focused only on communicating what was happening in our daily lives. Because if we didn't talk about that, then we didn't know much about each other and were grabbing at straws to explain one of us was upset or didn't want to talk. Telling him that your car is making a weird noise and you're worried about it explains why you aren't tuned in. Not telling him what's happening, and not listening when he tells you, gives the message that you aren't really interested in each other except for what the other person can do for you.

And if so, then you ought to consider downgrading this to a fwb relationship on hold until you can play again.


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RE: help a struggling LDR!! - 7/1/2010 6:29:52 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		so 5 months LDR has started to wear thin, im not surprised to be honest. when you were together it worked.

in what way wasnt he being dominant LDR - see,  i dont really see Ds as role playing, you are what you are and thats how it is, if he isnt into LDR domination and doesnt want to play that game by getting you to do dumb stuff all day long for whatever period of time this 5 months was going to stretch into then you guys should have talked about that before it got to this. 

the fact that he said what he said in response to youre rally suggests to me that he felt like he was having to play games for you - and maybe thats why he's been increasingly more reluctant - he's just not into LDR and maybe felt fenced into a corner he didnt like.

if youre going back now why didnt you go back before it got to this. 

as to whether its too late, i dont know, you both said some harsh things in the heat of the moment and hopefully you can just put that down to the stress of being apart and things not working.

stop rowing and communicate rationally.

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RE: help a struggling LDR!! - 7/1/2010 6:43:36 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

It's been my experience that people love one another for who they are or what they do for oneself.

I think answering why you love him (for who he is or what he does for you?) might provide you with some insight of the issues you are having now.

Not much else needs to be said other than what KoM said here.

Good luck


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Profile   Post #: 13
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