Self-Centered or Considerate? (Full Version)

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shigglyboom -> Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 4:29:48 PM)

Some may remember my post to the poly forum a while back about a D/s couple I'm friendly with but have not yet met in person. Recently a second invitation came to visit the dom, as friends, but with the mutual understanding that more might ensue. I accepted. Upon his telling her an hour later, his sub started into another tailspin of jealousy and insecurity. (This was despite her best efforts and intention to be open; it's instinctive.) Aware of the degree of pain this struggle caused her last time, I backed out immediately and told them both I'd only visit if she were there.

The dom has derogated my decision as self-centered. In contrast, I see it as the responsible and kind thing to do. As her friend and as an independent human (not his sub), I believe my responsibility not to hurt her takes precedence over his and my desire to meet. He's a sadist, but as a free woman I'm stuck adhering to my own moral values. That includes trying to avoid causing people pain.

This dom is someone I admire and he's often right about this sort of thing, but I don't see where he's coming from here. Was this a selfish decision?



mnottertail -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 4:34:59 PM)

is it feasable for anyone to get a blowjob here?

If not, consider alternatives.

Thanks,
Ron



MistressStchWich -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 4:40:57 PM)

All decisions are selfish to some degree...whether to desire to avoid unpleasantness, to avoid hurting others, to avoid problems....regardless of the "reason" we believe we are motivated to take an action or make a decision, are the very heart of it is a selfish reason...we desired to avoid, prevent, or effect something in a particular way and made a decision or took an action toward fulfillment of that desire.
However, it was a selfless act to call it off. This lifestyle can often be challenging and sometimes a little dicey....
You had no desire to hurt your friend, nor cause problems in her life and relationship; you had no desire to cause grief for her Master at that time nor in the future where it could be recalled and used over and over to cause even greater damage, and you did not wish to carry that baggage around afterward...Pretty good reasons to call it off to me.
So what if it was selfish? Who is in authority over you at this time? You are, so if you do not feel you were wrong, don't beat yourself up over it, so to speak...lol
Regardless of your motivations, it was a right decision.



Arpig -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 5:42:27 PM)

I agree, you did the right thing. I think him calling you out on it was the blatantly self-centered thing in this scenario.



BrianSenior -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 6:10:38 PM)

I can understand the idea  any decision being selfish, in a way deep thinking aspect. I would say you did the right thing. If He is persistant to see others with the submissive He has being against it, will not be long that He is looking for a poly life, cause He will be starting from cratch, after loosing what He has now. ~BK~



wytchywoman -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 6:17:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

is it feasable for anyone to get a blowjob here?


Thanks,
Ron


Probably not. for you. You try to sound humorous but in the end you just sound like a hng.



thetammyjo -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 6:19:04 PM)

I think charges of "you are being selfish/self-centered" is an angry reply that attempts to get you to change your mind.

You did what you thought was best.

It sounds like this dom needs to deal with his partner's issues before playing with anyone else though because its unfair for him to expect others to deal with her issues for him or to deal with any aftermath of a playing.



MsMacComb -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 6:19:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: wytchywoman
Probably not. for you. You try to sound humorous but in the end you just sound like a hng.
 

Can you please tell me what "hng" means or is abbreviated for?



Arpig -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 6:33:08 PM)

HNG=Horny Net Geek



starymists -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 6:44:48 PM)

Having been poly for a number of years, I can tell you my own personal policy is that when I am involved with someone who is in a primary relationship, I want the blessings of both persons, whether I will be active with both or not. I do that for a number of reasons. Number one, I don't want to see anyone else hurt. I won't take my pleasure by causing someone else pain. Number two, I personally think it's disrespectful to not respect other peoples desires. I practice safe, sane, and consentual BDSM. I realize not everyone does, but that is my own personal rule. No consent = friends only. Number three, if a Dominant is willing to disregard his partner that way, and cause that kind of pain, he's not likely to be someone that I'd want to be involved with. But that is me and how I practice BDSM.
 
As far as the whole 'you're being selfish thing' in the context of how much pain his actions are causing his other, as well as the distress it's causing you to be caught in the middle, who is really being the selfish one? Just food for thought. Good luck!



RiotGirl -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 7:03:53 PM)

My first thought was you called it off because you didnt want to "deal" with it.  You didnt want to deal with her insecurity or her jealousy.  Which would be self centered.  With out knowing some ones true nature.. one cant tell.  Though it doesnt seem in your nature though i'm sure it is for others. 

Some ppl just want pleasantness and happiness all around and bail when things get crappy. 

Maybe he see's it that way?  Who knows, why not ask him?

Though i do have to say, that if you had said you would come but want nothing to go "on" but to just meet him (to save her any issues) it would seem less self centered.  Not saying your decision was self centered. 

Suggestion that you'd go but would like to talk to her before anything went on would be a different approach.  Basically anything that has to do with dealing with it, but making it so it wasnt so hard for her. Course it puts her abit on the spot.  Instead of just backing away.

And i've been in that spot.  As i have those same issues.  You learn to cope/deal/shut your trap and think of others.  i've been put in many instances that raised those issues.  Generally i always tried to play it off, while trying to carefully keep an eye on my body language, facial expresions (i can be a mirror at times) as to not ruin anyone elses fun. 

Its good learning spot.  Each time gets easier - less difficult, less of a painstaking process to cover the emotions.  You learn to deal and you learn its okay.



RiotGirl -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 7:05:36 PM)

ah.. and i forgot to add

just a different perspective - not saying i'm right about your situation (AT ALL)



LaMalinche -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 7:13:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

is it feasable for anyone to get a blowjob here?

If not, consider alternatives.

Thanks,
Ron


Sure. . . when ya want it Ron?

Anyone who quotes Einstien. . .

*wipes drool off chin*



Best,

LaMalinche




talmar -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 7:16:22 PM)

I do have a ego. Some Dommes like to play with that. A German Domme friend of mine likes a sub with a ego...she enjoys breaking it.  Most of the Dommes I have sessioned with enjoy spirited bottoms.



LaMalinche -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 7:22:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: talmar

I do have a ego. Some Dommes like to play with that. A German Domme friend of mine likes a sub with a ego...she enjoys breaking it.  Most of the Dommes I have sessioned with enjoy spirited bottoms.


What does that have to do with saying "Sure" to Ron?

I certainly did not mean to hurt your ego.

Best,

LaMalinche




talmar -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/14/2006 7:25:43 PM)

 Sorry I was just trying to respond  to the topic. I didn't mean it to be a specific response to your post. 



DigitBox -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/15/2006 1:20:23 AM)

I wouldn't go near a couple where there was a jealousy issue.  If both partners can't agree that it's okay for me to be a part of their play then I'm not going near them.

It just keeps life a lot simpler.



feastie -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/15/2006 5:05:40 AM)

Now, I don't know the whole situation, but seems to me the guy is attempting to trounce on some very definite limits his girl has.  Some people just aren't meant for a poly relationship and there's nothing that can change that.  For a dominant (and I'm using the term loosely) to accuse you of selfishness because you chose to back out of the meet, for any reason, is a perfect example of why it was a wise choice for you.



Smythe -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/15/2006 6:23:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

is it feasable for anyone to get a blowjob here?

If not, consider alternatives.

Thanks,
Ron


She's a WOMAN, W-O-M-A-N.  I'll say it again.
 
Smythe via Peggy Lee



spankmepink11 -> RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? (4/15/2006 6:41:39 AM)

I don't think anyone can be faulted for considering the feelings of others.  I once found myself in a similiar  situation.......and would not consider hurting my friend  in order to interact with her Partner. The poly lifestyle isn't for everyone as someone said in a previous post. 
To me...one of the most important aspects of seeking a Mate  in this lifestyle,  or any other for that matter...is to have like minds in regards to such things.



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