submission and friendships

submission and friendships (Full Version)

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Mog -> submission and friendships (4/14/2006 5:53:13 PM)
I've been trying to think about how to express this, but here goes. I have a female friend, one who've I've respected and been a good friend to for over a year now. And for a time, I did have a romantic interest in her, but it was something she felt she didn't share. I respected her decision and we're still good friends. But I felt the need to explain why I was so enamored with her, wanting to help her a lot and such. At that point, my submissive nature was screaming for me to tell someone about it, I had kept it hidden behind other motives, but never really let it be seen by another before in my life. I was scared since I knew this could possibly affect the friendship. So I told her about my submissive side and my Female Supremacy views, not as an attempt to "win" her back or anything, just to finally get it out and help my actions make a little more sense to her. She was very understanding and even said she liked my kind of thinking. Since then, the friendship has remained normal, the only exception being my letting the cat out of the bag finally, which really has felt great. There were so many other things I realized I had turned to that were a result of my inability to talk about my submissive feelings and now I honestly feel a bit more on-track, able to realizes more goals and whatnot. We talk about my views from time to time, but its pretty much back to "normal" otherwise. The thing about expressing my submissive side to her is now I've felt even more submissive toward her. While we're "just friends" I still feel the need to go the extra mile and try to elevate her and I've told her as much, but she can be quiet and elusive at times, so I haven't gotten a straight answer regarding it yet. I guess what I'm asking here is how do I take my submissive side, now that its out almost completely, and work with it it on a friendship level? I guess I wanted to ask Mistresses since there may have been situations where a submissive was a friend before or after a relationship or it came out during a friendship where the D/s factor didn't previously exist yet. I'm definately not wanting to try to turn my friend into a Domme or anything, as she's at a point in her life where she's kinda still deciding her own path. Still, my desire to submit and serve has increased since I confessed to her. So, how do I handle this with this and future friendships/relationships? I ask because, at some point, this side of myself will have to be made known or a relationship won't be real. And I'm personally glad she rejected my romantic interest, because had we fallen into a relationship at that point, I would have probably buried my submissive side further and it would have never been real love. Eh, I dunno, I think I worry too much what others think sometimes, still, I kinda want to know if I'm on the right/wrong track here.

thetammyjo -> RE: submission and friendships (4/14/2006 6:11:23 PM)
To be submissive and her friend without pushing her away is actually pretty easy. You are friends, you know what she likes and dislikes right? Do little things for her but only non-sexual things and only if you don't draw attention to them... she might think you are making a move on her in a way she has said she is not interested in otherwise. Thousands of people who are submissive but without dominants find ways of serving in the vanilla world every day. They may volunteer at charities or offer their seats to strangers on the bus. They don't draw attention, they merely enjoy being of help and knowing they do it well. But I am wondering if maybe you are looking for ways that might convince her to look at you differently and I think that might backfire. Just be yourself, and if that is a submissive, it will come out but it need not come out in a sexual or pushy way. I don't know you or your particular situation so I can't offer any more suggestions.

Mog -> RE: submission and friendships (4/14/2006 8:38:23 PM)
I wouldn't say I was trying to get her to see me differently, its just sometimes what I think are the "little things" are big things to her. She's happy with things I would see as more casual when I want to do something special. Not all the time, just as I can. Not to elevate myself, but vice versa. When I was courting her on the romantic level, I brought flowers. But when she rejected my interest, she felt like she had to compensate me for the flowers. We had a ten minute argument over it where I was just laughing there. Another instance is we both are in this guild for an online RPG and we tend to play the same professions in this video game. Her character is more developed and can use more items than mine, but she has less time to play and can't get some of the stuff she wants, I have more time to play and am willing to loan her some of my high-end stuff until I can use it later, but she insists she's OK and doesn't borrow it.. So its stuff like that, which to me are almost trifles, the little things, that I get shot down on. I think one of the things about her is she's just very independant, but I often see her sacrifice so much time to help people out and I've told her that's something I admire in her. And to be honest, that's what makes me feel more submissive toward her than others. Its not that others aren't as deserving, just that I know her character better.

Proprietrix -> RE: submission and friendships (4/14/2006 9:29:39 PM)
I read your post twice, but I'm finding it difficult to pinpoint your question. Are you wanting to submit to your friend without her having to become a Domme? quote: While we're "just friends" I still feel the need to go the extra mile and try to elevate her and I've told her as much, but she can be quiet and elusive at times, so I haven't gotten a straight answer regarding it yet. I guess what I'm asking here is how do I take my submissive side, now that its out almost completely, and work with it it on a friendship level? quote: So, how do I handle this with this and future friendships/relationships? I really don't mean to sound harsh here, so please try not to take it that way, but could it be that you are trying to force your lifestyle on someone vanilla? It sounds to me (without really having a clue about this situation) like you are trying to place her in a hierarchal position above you, and she really feels uncomfortable with you doing so. (Hence her silence and elusiveness.) This would be no different than a male who recently realized he was Dominant and believed in male supremacy, coming out to his female vanilla friend, and then trying to do things to put her in a subordinate position to him. It's not fair to try to put a vanilla person in a lifestyle role, to suit your own desire to be in your lifestyle role. Just because I am a Domme in the lifestyle, doesn't mean I can go around placing my friends, colleagues, church members, and family in submissive roles to me. Neither is it right for a submissive to try to put these people in a Dominant role to them. I simply can't find a way to justify trying to manipulate a friendship based on my personal lifestyle preferences. I have lots of vanilla friends and I would never consider trying to put them in a lifestyle role so that I could feel I was living the opposite role more fully in daily life. (Of course all of this is my opinion.)

Mog -> RE: submission and friendships (4/14/2006 10:24:01 PM)
quote: I read your post twice, but I'm finding it difficult to pinpoint your question. Are you wanting to submit to your friend without her having to become a Domme? Well, talking about is really how I'm trying to pinpoint the question myself, I suppose. She knows I'm submissive now and that I've felt that way toward her. I guess my concern is that at some point, I'll overplay that and and try to turn her into a Domme, I don't want that. She is "vanilla" but knows people in this lifestyle, when I initially confessed to her she told me as much. And in the past, if myself or someone else made her feel uncomfortable, she usually confided that in me. Perhaps I should just be happy with her version of the "little things" she likes and help her like the friend I was before all this came about. Its just very few and far between when those little things happen, but it means a lot to me when they do. But I also feel like there's a debt to be repaid. As I said before, when I confessed what I was to her, lots of things started to sort themselves out in my head in the following days. Certain desires melted away and I started feeling much more postive. Would any of that come about had she not responded positively? I doubt it. I guess I should give myself some credit, as I took the step foward to tell someone about my submissive side, but the fact that she listened and accepted that part of me was important, too. Perhaps I should really be looking elsewhere, like a local BDSM group, meet with a Pro Domme or just spend more time here reading and talking with others. I should be happy that someone in my life knows and accepts this part of me and accept that I don't have to act on it much in a friendship

MistressLorelei -> RE: submission and friendships (4/14/2006 10:47:53 PM)
If your friend knows of the lifestyle, knows you are submissive and is still not interested in changing your relationship, then I would advise you to leave it alone. Pushing anything may ruin what you do have. I am sure if she changes her mind, and decides she would like to explore her dominant side, she will remember that you are a submissive and that you might be interested. Do get involved in the lifestyle in other ways as you mentioned. you may find someone who actually wants what you want (no pushing required) and you will continue to have a friend who you can share your private world with.

thetammyjo -> RE: submission and friendships (4/15/2006 8:30:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mog I wouldn't say I was trying to get her to see me differently, its just sometimes what I think are the "little things" are big things to her. She's happy with things I would see as more casual when I want to do something special. Not all the time, just as I can. Not to elevate myself, but vice versa. When I was courting her on the romantic level, I brought flowers. But when she rejected my interest, she felt like she had to compensate me for the flowers. We had a ten minute argument over it where I was just laughing there. Another instance is we both are in this guild for an online RPG and we tend to play the same professions in this video game. Her character is more developed and can use more items than mine, but she has less time to play and can't get some of the stuff she wants, I have more time to play and am willing to loan her some of my high-end stuff until I can use it later, but she insists she's OK and doesn't borrow it.. So its stuff like that, which to me are almost trifles, the little things, that I get shot down on. I think one of the things about her is she's just very independant, but I often see her sacrifice so much time to help people out and I've told her that's something I admire in her. And to be honest, that's what makes me feel more submissive toward her than others. Its not that others aren't as deserving, just that I know her character better. I'd say then the flowers and the RPG offerings are not going to work. You'll have to try other things. Like does she have a car? If not, offer up your car and/or you driving her when she needs to go places. In your mind you can see anything you do as submissive. However from what you describe it seems like if you draw attention to that, she will shoot you down. You may have to learn to live in your own thoughts with this person. I'd also be looking for an actually dominant woman because she doesn't honestly sound like one, at least not in relationship to you. Most people are pretty vanilla and I think very few people are dominant.

Mog -> RE: submission and friendships (4/16/2006 2:00:12 AM)
Well, spoke with her again last night and it seems like my concerns that I'm forcing something on her are all just in my head. We had a conversation that was purely on a regular level, just the every day "complain about something in your life" kind of stuff. She needed somewhere to rant, so she came to me. For those that play online RPGs, it was basically about the burden of being a mage. To put that in real life terms, its like being the doctor who's always on call, which in the context of a game where you can be whatever you please is kind of annoying, especially when you're trying ot be something else. Once you've levelled up the mage, everyone wants you to be on-call whenever they need you. Great power, great responsibility and all that. Anyway, we started there and before long we were talking about all sorts of random stuff. Movies, food, dating and other stuff. In the end, I managed to cheer her up. So that's good. So it looks like I'm in the clear and just need to be mindful of how far I take my submissve feelings in regards to our friendship.

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