Question about mentors

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Darkvamp1978 -> Question about mentors (7/4/2010 5:30:57 PM)
I will first say I am still fairly new to the BDSM lifestyle, having only been active outside of the bedroom for about 1 year now. In this time I have seen a number of people talking about "mentors" and have often wondered how this works and what is a new Dom likely to gain from a mentor? I have always seen myself as a Dom and am very interested in other peoples opinions regarding the Dom/sub relationship dynamic and how they make it work, and am wondering if it would be worth me looking for a mentor to improve my skills and teach me how to Dom correctly as everything I do currently is self taught, and I often find myself struggling to think of things such as assignments for my sub or punishments.

MsLadySue -> RE: Question about mentors (7/4/2010 6:23:01 PM)
Your best bet would be, use the Search button at the top right hand of the screen. This subject comes up very frequently and you will find many people's opinions in previous threads. Type in words such as mentor or new dom.

Darkvamp1978 -> RE: Question about mentors (7/5/2010 1:13:08 AM)
Thankyou very much for the reply MsLadySue I will take a look through and see what I can find. Darkvamp1978

sunshinemiss -> RE: Question about mentors (7/5/2010 1:48:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darkvamp1978 I will first say I am still fairly new to the BDSM lifestyle, having only been active outside of the bedroom for about 1 year now. In this time I have seen a number of people talking about "mentors" and have often wondered how this works and what is a new Dom likely to gain from a mentor? I have always seen myself as a Dom and am very interested in other peoples opinions regarding the Dom/sub relationship dynamic and how they make it work, and am wondering if it would be worth me looking for a mentor to improve my skills and teach me how to Dom correctly as everything I do currently is self taught, and I often find myself struggling to think of things such as assignments for my sub or punishments. Hello Vamp, I'm kind of confused about this "assignments ... or punishments." Punishments versus funishment.... there are a bazillion threads on that, so I won't beat that dead horse. However, assignments... What is something that would make her a better person? Cooking classes? Learning how to change the oil in the car? Yoga for flexibility? Join a book group to have more interaction with other women as an outlet? Finish her GED/college degree/apprenticeship to get a better job and bring in more money? Learn CPR? How can she make your life better? Basic home accounting? Creating a beautiful garden to relax in? Supporting your belief in saving the environment? Sewing on your buttons? Learning to drive a stick shift so she can take her turn driving your car on long trips? Making home brew? Experimenting with solar energy? Something the two of you can do together? Tango classes at the Y? Couples massages? A weekend retreat to be investigated and set up? Joint golf lessons? I think you are forgetting that this is a relationship. That means it's two people being together, creating something. Each person has needs to be met. Each person needs to bring out the better in the other. It's not about some "assignment" ... Serving is TO ME about active love. It is love in action. If you want her to be a part of your life, you need to inspire her affection. Action follows. Let her know that you want a, b, or c action, a manifestation of her affection for you, and then see how it goes. Let her know you appreciate it. Pay attention to her efforts and commend her on them. People will do the dangedest things in the name of love and affection. This is not a mysterious thing. It is just life. As always, YMMV. best, sunshine

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Question about mentors (7/5/2010 1:55:52 AM)
WIITWD shouldn't be a struggle! It should come naturally, and feel right. If you're "often struggling" to think of assignments and punishments for your sub, didn't it ever occur to you that maybe those sorts of things just aren't your style?! Find what feels right for you. "Assignments" aren't necessary, and if you do want to assign things they need not be anything more than whatever would help you or your sub naturally anyway.... And a reward/punishment dynamic isn't necessary at all, either. Discuss and decide what you and your slave both want and need, and what feels right for you both. Does she even want an assignment, or reward/punishment kind of dynamic at all?? Do you?? [8\|] Whatever doesn't feel yummy and good, and sweet, and right for you both can be jettisoned. Focus on addressing both of your needs and desires.

dananddawn -> RE: Question about mentors (7/5/2010 5:13:49 AM)
To me, it really depends on what sort of Dom you are. There are many variations you'll find here. For example, my style conflicts with what I read above from Dreamerdreaming. Yummy is not a requirement. Self betterment is. So I do use assignments and punishment to move my slaves in a direction I want them to go. I'm not going to bore you with views and definitions (if you are really curious, you can see mine here -> http://www.housemetta.com/home/terminology) but to your question: First, figure out how you perceive yourself as a Dom. At least initially. Perhaps events and munches to see what other people are doing. Then, find someone like that. Then, ask them to mentor you. Mentoring is about learning from peers. Warmly, Dan

Aileen1968 -> RE: Question about mentors (7/5/2010 6:16:30 AM)
I don't care for them. I prefer lifesavers. And their commercials were really annoying.

Jeffff -> RE: Question about mentors (7/5/2010 6:20:21 AM)
No way! If you put Mentors in coke it explodes. Lifesavers don't do that.

heartcream -> RE: Question about mentors (7/5/2010 7:16:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darkvamp1978 I will first say I am still fairly new to the BDSM lifestyle, having only been active outside of the bedroom for about 1 year now. In this time I have seen a number of people talking about "mentors" and have often wondered how this works and what is a new Dom likely to gain from a mentor? I have always seen myself as a Dom and am very interested in other peoples opinions regarding the Dom/sub relationship dynamic and how they make it work, and am wondering if it would be worth me looking for a mentor to improve my skills and teach me how to Dom correctly as everything I do currently is self taught, and I often find myself struggling to think of things such as assignments for my sub or punishments. I hear New York University has the best program.

domiguy -> RE: Question about mentors (7/5/2010 8:46:47 AM)
How much would it cost to send aileen to House Metta for a few years? Shorebound has not trained her in any type of old guard fashion....I'm thinking dananddawn might be able to form her in to something that doesn't make you want to upchuck.

Zevar -> RE: Question about mentors (7/5/2010 3:39:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darkvamp1978 I will first say I am still fairly new to the BDSM lifestyle, having only been active outside of the bedroom for about 1 year now. In this time I have seen a number of people talking about "mentors" and have often wondered how this works and what is a new Dom likely to gain from a mentor? I have always seen myself as a Dom and am very interested in other peoples opinions regarding the Dom/sub relationship dynamic and how they make it work, and am wondering if it would be worth me looking for a mentor to improve my skills and teach me how to Dom correctly as everything I do currently is self taught, and I often find myself struggling to think of things such as assignments for my sub or punishments. A mentor or in other words i.e. guide, supporter or an adviser can be understood to be one who has forged a trail and discovered a more refined approach to accomplishing his goals, regardless what they are. It is possible to befriend a mentor and perhaps become learned in a more skilled approach to accomplish your goals be whatever they are. However solely following a mentor without having first defined your motive, purpose and the outcome you expect to attain lends itself to the lack of clarity and consideration required to arrive at a rational expectation. If not of course you risk furthering yourself up for continued personal failure which is likely to reinforce your current issues of feeling inadequate regarding your inability to obtain the “ How to Dom Manual “ that you seek. There is NO such manual on how to be dominant as a man. IMO as a man I am naturally dominant. I set forth to master that which I aim to dominate and do not relinquish my focus until I have gone full circle and have mastered my goal. This is a method I assert in everything I do. To be a man IMO is to master yourself first with an unrelenting strength that goes from strength to strength and is willingly sharpened by the challenges that are presented on a daily basis. Manhood 101 teaches us that to be a man is to stand for that which is we believe and have discovered firstly on an independent level and then secondly always be willing to refine that which can be further improved. In the end of searching it really comes down to the solitary approach of asserting dominance. Trial and Error really. Else how does a man know what works for him if he depends solely on the successes of another man that dared to forge his own pathway? Set forth to be the man you are. Forge your own path. Nothing wrong with asking for input or ideas. However you alone are responsible to apply what you learn and to fine tune it in order that you can have the ultimate pleasure of knowing you found your own approach that works for you as a man. Then perhaps you will experience the fulfillment that is present in the moment when you claim your innate abilities to be the dominant man that you have mastered yourself to become. Everything else is secondary. Confidence is primary.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Question about mentors (7/5/2010 3:58:15 PM)
my late Sir mentored - he taught skills such as caning or flogging, and perhaps taught by example the day-to-day stuff. Dominance is something you either have or don't have. The skills to use and enjoy a sub can be learned, and perhaps are faster learned from another than by trial and error. I would suggest you get involved in a local group, and find someone whom you respect - and ask his advice.

LadyPact -> RE: Question about mentors (7/6/2010 5:33:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darkvamp1978 I will first say I am still fairly new to the BDSM lifestyle, having only been active outside of the bedroom for about 1 year now. In this time I have seen a number of people talking about "mentors" and have often wondered how this works and what is a new Dom likely to gain from a mentor? I have always seen myself as a Dom and am very interested in other peoples opinions regarding the Dom/sub relationship dynamic and how they make it work, and am wondering if it would be worth me looking for a mentor to improve my skills and teach me how to Dom correctly as everything I do currently is self taught, and I often find myself struggling to think of things such as assignments for my sub or punishments. I'm not trying to be rude here, but you mention seeing people talking about mentors. Where exactly are you "seeing" this? On the net? In your local BDSM community? Personally, I put a lot more faith in things that I see with My own eyes. If you want to learn more things related to BDSM or D/s dynamics, I would suggest to you that you find folks that you can see for yourself who are successful, and talk with them about how they obtained that success. When you see with your own eyes that folks have something that you want (topping skills, a solid dynamic, etc) ask them how they obtained it. That's what mentoring really is, at least to Me. Find the people who are good at what they do and learn from them.

laurell3 -> RE: Question about mentors (7/6/2010 6:57:56 AM)
What LadyPact said and keep in mind as you encounter people that there really isn't any one right way other than what is consentual and your partner agrees with. You will find many that will say their way is THE way, if their way doesn't work for you, discard it.

sir1969 -> RE: Question about mentors (7/7/2010 3:48:23 PM)
I feel I could have used a mentor as well (had always wanted to Dom, had the desire, the drive, but lacked in practical skill so the learning process has been slow but steady - patience, trial & error). Wouldn't mind the occasional pointer even now. My difficulty with some advice here (join local group, attend munches, etc.) is that I live in a small community and there is no local group, no meetings, etc. There simply is not easy access to the lifestyle community. So, I read books about being a Dom or Topping and threads here on CollarMe. I've watched James (last name escapes me) in Kink's Training of O series. The early sets were almost documentary-like and very informative including very good examples of assignments - what purpose they had, how to get them achieved, what the sub was expected to learn, etc (I wouldn't doubt James has a background in psychology). The newer sets tend to be all porn and little (at least less) quality information. And finally, as has been stated, you need to understand what you and your sub both need and desire from the relationship. My sub wants assignments and that is primarily where I struggled initially. Even now they can be difficult. Coming up with good assignments with a purpose rather than just "do this because I said so". There was/is much more psychology involved in the dom/sub dynamic than I had ever realized. You are, potentially, modifying someone's behavior. This may come easy to some but I've had to work at it.

LadyPact -> RE: Question about mentors (7/7/2010 4:05:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sir1969 I feel I could have used a mentor as well (had always wanted to Dom, had the desire, the drive, but lacked in practical skill so the learning process has been slow but steady - patience, trial & error). Wouldn't mind the occasional pointer even now. My difficulty with some advice here (join local group, attend munches, etc.) is that I live in a small community and there is no local group, no meetings, etc. There simply is not easy access to the lifestyle community. So, I read books about being a Dom or Topping and threads here on CollarMe. I've watched James (last name escapes me) in Kink's Training of O series. The early sets were almost documentary-like and very informative including very good examples of assignments - what purpose they had, how to get them achieved, what the sub was expected to learn, etc (I wouldn't doubt James has a background in psychology). The newer sets tend to be all porn and little (at least less) quality information. And finally, as has been stated, you need to understand what you and your sub both need and desire from the relationship. My sub wants assignments and that is primarily where I struggled initially. Even now they can be difficult. Coming up with good assignments with a purpose rather than just "do this because I said so". There was/is much more psychology involved in the dom/sub dynamic than I had ever realized. You are, potentially, modifying someone's behavior. This may come easy to some but I've had to work at it. I see people say this all of the time about how there's not a local community. Even without a town listed on your location, you could very easily make it to a number of major cities in your state that have thriving BDSM communities. There might be a farther drive involved for you, but it's definitely something you could accomplish.

sir1969 -> RE: Question about mentors (7/7/2010 5:48:10 PM)
"There might be a farther drive involved for you, but it's definitely something you could accomplish." For special events, yes, my wife and I do head to the city. But that farther drive is, at minimum, 2 hours away from where we live. Not a trip we can make on any sort of regular basis.

sublizzie -> RE: Question about mentors (7/7/2010 11:57:50 PM)
A group that meets once a month with a quarterly party wouldn't be out of reach for a 2 hour drive. I drive an hour one way to go to work, do real shopping, and attend munches/parties. If you really want to get to know people and learn more skills, investing the time and gas would be worth it. And that kind of drive means you probably won't meet your next door neighbor at the same munch/party. (Doesn't explain how someone who lives a mile from me shows up at so many of the same munches/parties though!!)

kateindenver -> RE: Question about mentors (7/8/2010 12:39:14 AM)
When i was brand new to the lifestyle i created my collarme profile specifically asking for a mentor. A womderful Dominant repkied tol me. WE/we spok forabout one year .He taught mt things like Safe, sane and consualHe answeed all my question.He took my hand and lead me through the step into realtime kate

sir1969 -> RE: Question about mentors (7/8/2010 8:42:40 AM)
Speaking of driving to various events, anyone going to In The Woods 2010 north of Seattle? Looks like a great event. We've never gone but may do so this summer. Only two weeks away! I just discovered it - better get on the ball, eh? [;)] http://itw2009.triskeli.org/home.php

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