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Etiquette... - 7/7/2010 7:42:55 PM   
cj97


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/23/2010
Status: offline 		I am in a slightly confusing situation. I am going to be training a submissive for a friend of mine while he is deployed. He has put out that prior to anyone contacting her they contact him and/or me. The other day I received a request from someone wanting to contact her and I gave him permission to speak with her and i let her know that I had spoken with this individual. When her Dom found out he basically ripped me up one side and down the other for making that decision. I guess what i am wondering is if I was incorrect in assuming that I was able to act on the authority that was delegated to me? I know if the roles were reversed I would not have been offended. Maybe I am the one that is off base in their thinking.

Thank you for any and all replies.

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Etiquette... - 7/7/2010 7:47:03 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		So let's see if we have this straight.....

You're training someone possibly your way even though that method might be completely opposite the training method of the person who's really responsible.

Oh, and that involves fourth parties.

See anything wrong with this picture?

Jeff

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RE: Etiquette... - 7/7/2010 7:47:34 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I find the whole idea of contacting someone to ask for permission to contact another person to be absolutely ridiculous.
That being said...walk away. You're going to get caught in the middle of their relationship in a way that you shouldn't.

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RE: Etiquette... - 7/7/2010 7:49:34 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		This is why I am such a good protector!

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RE: Etiquette... - 7/7/2010 7:51:59 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		It might be possible that you were contact info only.  That the real intent was to have another male who could reply to such requests immediately, but didn't really have the authority to grant the permission.  If he is deployed, he may not have that ability, but doesn't want it to appear that the sub is fair game just because he can't be contacted for approval.

If I were you, especially since this happened, I'd be making sure that you and he both have the same idea of what is going to be going on here as far as "training".  It sounds to Me that you already had an issue and if you're not careful, there are going to be more.


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RE: Etiquette... - 7/7/2010 7:57:54 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Ask him.

But I get the feeling he didn't really expect her to talk(play) to others and when it developed he couldn't handle it. In which case, walk away. Because you don't want to be in the middle like this.

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RE: Etiquette... - 7/7/2010 7:58:05 PM   
LadyCimarron


Posts: 625
Joined: 12/29/2009
Status: offline 		Based on what you posted here, you are not incorrect. You did what the Dom said. If he did not want to you approve any of those people he should have said that or better yet, not allowed her any contacts under any circumstances. If he does not want you making decisions for her, then he should not have left you in charge of her. 

That being said; not allowing ANYONE to contact her without his or your permission seems a little strange.  Personally, this situation sounds messy. It usually is messy when you have someone else's partner, or property under your control. So you might want to think long and hard about whether or not you want to be in the middle of this.

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Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Etiquette... - 7/7/2010 8:13:33 PM   
cj97


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/23/2010
Status: offline 		Thank you all very much for your very valuable input. I will definitely give the whole situation a lot more thought. The contact rule is merely for initial contact, although i can see how this could spiral out of control very quickly. Than you again, it seems I have a bit of thinking to do....

(in reply to LadyCimarron)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Etiquette... - 7/7/2010 8:19:43 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I have never heard of an initial contact such as yourself being nothing more than a blanket approval.  Perhaps you were supposed to vet people prior to allowing contact?

Did the contacter distress the damsel in question?


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Etiquette... - 7/7/2010 8:21:07 PM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cj97

I am in a slightly confusing situation. I am going to be training a submissive for a friend of mine while he is deployed. He has put out that prior to anyone contacting her they contact him and/or me. The other day I received a request from someone wanting to contact her and I gave him permission to speak with her and i let her know that I had spoken with this individual. When her Dom found out he basically ripped me up one side and down the other for making that decision. I guess what i am wondering is if I was incorrect in assuming that I was able to act on the authority that was delegated to me? I know if the roles were reversed I would not have been offended. Maybe I am the one that is off base in their thinking.

Thank you for any and all replies.


The only way to clarify if you were off base in your judgement regarding your decision that you unilaterally chose to act on is to directly ask the man you had an agreement with. If I were to give you my perspective on this issue then you would only have my perspective and that is not the perspective you need to give you the answer to your question.

An ounce of preventative communication can work wonders when utilized. True, preventative communication does require asserted effort, yet it is worth every extra moment offered to arrive at a clear decision regarding any question OR anything that is questionable.

< Message edited by Zevar -- 7/7/2010 8:22:40 PM >

(in reply to cj97)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Etiquette... - 7/7/2010 8:39:25 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cj97

I am in a slightly confusing situation. I am going to be training a submissive for a friend of mine while he is deployed. He has put out that prior to anyone contacting her they contact him and/or me. The other day I received a request from someone wanting to contact her and I gave him permission to speak with her and i let her know that I had spoken with this individual. When her Dom found out he basically ripped me up one side and down the other for making that decision. I guess what i am wondering is if I was incorrect in assuming that I was able to act on the authority that was delegated to me? I know if the roles were reversed I would not have been offended. Maybe I am the one that is off base in their thinking.

Thank you for any and all replies.




Honestly? This guy who is deployed, in my opinion, is really insecure. So much so that he needed someone to "watch" his property while he is gone. And training? What exactly did he tell you that "training" would consist of? As others have already indicated, you and he may (and apparently do) have different views on what is or is not appropriate.

I don't know how long your friend and his partner have been involved, but to me he seems to be very insecure and worried about what she will do while he is gone. So they have a problem right there. You are just going to make things that much worse and end up being in the middle of something you shouldn't really want anything to do with. This way, YOU will be the one that both of them get to blame for anything going wrong. Who needs that?

(in reply to cj97)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Etiquette... - 7/7/2010 8:42:36 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		This is a hornets' nest. I know you mean well, but the situation you are putting yourself in will invariably have the effect of poking the hive with a stick, as long as your communication continues to suck ass like it does now.

He may have given you lip service, and/or you may have misunderstood his words and his intended purpose/role for you. Either way, your communication sucks major ass.

To fix it: He's got to be in touch with his own feelings enough to actually say what he means, and you've got to be very anal about your communication in order to make quadruple-sure that you understand exactly what purpose you will be serving and how, in great detail. Your efforts have got to be pretty constant. I don't see a lot of hope here because everything has already tanked immediately. So you both are already waaaay behind the learning curve, on this.

And what is SHE- chopped liver?! Neither of you is communicating properly with her, or she could have helped you both understand each other's thought process, and her own! DUH!




If you don't have the sense to run screaming away, you need to at least stop poking the hornets' nest. Back off.

Take a much more limited role, and define it clearly in a way that can be confirmed over time.


And FFS, SHE IS NOT A POTTED PLANT. Communicate properly with her.



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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Etiquette... - 7/7/2010 10:07:44 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Why would you want to inject yourself into someone else's drama??? recipe for disaster

BadOne

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Etiquette... - 7/8/2010 1:31:29 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Generally, when I am asked to stand in for someone in any aspect of my life and being, the first thing I do is to get clear and irrefutable statements on the precise limits and extent of my authority. This is how I have been trained and how I operate, and expect those under me to do the same.

I'm quite accustomed to being a "filter": for some people, including for a few sub/salves here in CM, and use human "filters" to weed out non essential people or contacts especially when I am busy. I have block list of people who will never be allowed to make contact  and a hot list of those (including close friends and some family) who have immediate access to me 24/7. It may sound paranoid which it is but them personal paranoia are healthy especially if they keep you alive and uninjured. It is also the way I have been trained and part of my life for decades.







I read about the dangers of drinking!!!!

That's enough! I'm done!  NO MORE BLOODY READING!!!!

Attachment (1)

< Message edited by IronBear -- 7/8/2010 1:34:20 AM >

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Master of Bruin Cottage

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Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Etiquette... - 7/8/2010 2:27:51 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		fr

I would really have to wonder about someone who trusts me enough to *train* their submissive but doesn't trust me enough to make a good decision to okay a communcation request for her. That just sounds so backwards to me.

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Rock, paper, scissors."

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Etiquette... - 7/8/2010 4:33:20 AM   
divi


Posts: 11109
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cj97

I am in a slightly confusing situation. I am going to be training a submissive for a friend of mine while he is deployed. He has put out that prior to anyone contacting her they contact him and/or me. The other day I received a request from someone wanting to contact her and I gave him permission to speak with her and i let her know that I had spoken with this individual. When her Dom found out he basically ripped me up one side and down the other for making that decision. I guess what i am wondering is if I was incorrect in assuming that I was able to act on the authority that was delegated to me? I know if the roles were reversed I would not have been offended. Maybe I am the one that is off base in their thinking.

Thank you for any and all replies.



This sounds like a whole lot of crazy.  Nothing good is going to come of this.  Walk away .. .

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Etiquette... - 7/8/2010 4:35:12 AM   
heartcream


Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline 		Wowzer thish ish shome shpooky shit mate.

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Etiquette... - 7/8/2010 5:20:02 AM   
MasterMartinIndy


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/29/2008
Status: offline 		You should have never agreed to it in the first place> Walk away and tell your so called that he is on his own. It just invites trouble because your ways of training may not be his ways and the sub will be ruined for him
quote:

ORIGINAL: cj97

I am in a slightly confusing situation. I am going to be training a submissive for a friend of mine while he is deployed. He has put out that prior to anyone contacting her they contact him and/or me. The other day I received a request from someone wanting to contact her and I gave him permission to speak with her and i let her know that I had spoken with this individual. When her Dom found out he basically ripped me up one side and down the other for making that decision. I guess what i am wondering is if I was incorrect in assuming that I was able to act on the authority that was delegated to me? I know if the roles were reversed I would not have been offended. Maybe I am the one that is off base in their thinking.

Thank you for any and all replies.




(in reply to cj97)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Etiquette... - 7/8/2010 5:48:52 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		May I say that I think that this is something that should have been discussed prior to finalizing the agreement? When I take on a situation like this (which I have done a number of times as an outside trainer in specific service-styles), I make sure to clarify certain things right up front, including exactly what my training will entail, and several additional points:

1. What activities beyond style-training, if any, will this person be allowed to participate in at my complete discretion while in my household? (ie, can xhe also be asked to provide domestic or recreational service, backrubs, foot rubs, sex?)

2. What activities/behaviors beyond style-training are restricted? (ie, no intercourse, no calling someone else "master", etc.)

3. What limitations on contact or communication are in place, and what discretion do I have to manage such?

I also make sure there is a grievance process set up, so that if there are misunderstandings, they can be addressed promptly. I make sure that I know the boundaries of my authority in a training situation, so that there are few opportunities for things to blow up in my face and damage my own reputation and the reputation of my House.

I would say that your best bet is to sit down with this man and clarify the parameters of your training, and what your actual authority is in the situation. Responsibility without authority sucks moose balls (pardon my vulgarity), and I'd make sure that I knew, before entering into an agreement, whether I'd have enough authority to be able to act with discretion to fulfill my responsibilities.

Calla




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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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RE: Etiquette... - 7/8/2010 6:28:23 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I remain curious about the "training".  I understand how you can train someone in general terms, with general topics.  But how can one person specifically train another person's submissive?  Does the owner leave detailed instructions regarding the training?  Likes/dislikes/methods are going to be different, there are no universal codes of training.

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