RE: What if you just don't want to?

RE: What if you just don't want to? (Full Version)

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lally2 -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (7/8/2010 7:57:22 AM)
i was going to suggest what Lady Pact suggested. talk to him about having these needs inside of you and that it isnt something youre comfortable doing with him (come up with something believable, rather than the truth, which would be hurtful). so far as im aware there are plenty of married people who dont play together but go outside of the marriage to satisfy their needs. maybe invite him to a local munch and let him see that its all quite normal and above board for people to play with each other and no actual sex has to occur (unless he's open to that) what is for sure is that you cant carry on as you are - talk openly and then find a group locally. he's asked if theres anything he can do to help, so this is it, for him to be ok with you playing with others - agree on whatever parameters or limits he feels he needs at first and involve him in youre progress as much as he wants to be involved. dont shut him out, be totally up front and honest.

DarlingSavage -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (7/8/2010 9:21:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: laurell3 quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy I already have. It went something like this - Me: I feel like this. Him: Well what can I do? Me: I don't really know. Him: How can it get fixed if you don't tell me! Saying I'm tired of finding the answers and coming here rarely works that easily. Not that many here aren't open to trying to help, they are, but let's face it, our help is like shooting in the dark. We don't know you. We don't know him and text based communication is very limited. Maybe you should finish this conversation honestly. What are the things you fantasize about? Why didn't you tell him when he asked what he could do to fix it? You know the answer about what your needs are and you are the only person that does. This isn't him trying to introduce kink to your life, it's you. So yes, you do need to give him the answers as to how to address your needs. Whether that is trying it with him, having other partners or something else, you do owe it to him to have an honest conversation and this one above really doesn't seem to be one. Your profile is very telling of the frustration you are feeling. No worries, most of us were there once too. You don't have to know it all right now, pick a starting point and go from there. It would seem to me the starting point here is your spouse. What she said. Now, if you're having trouble VERBALIZING what you want, might I suggest you look up some videos that SHOW what you want. kink.com is a good place to start. Go look up some previews, pick some out that express what you would like to TELL him, but somehow, can't find the words for, then SHOW him. I bet there's a happy ending in here somewhere!

DommeKeliDallas -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (7/8/2010 10:34:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy I've had some pretty heavy fantasies lately about certain people and what I'd like to do with them, but when I try to think of my partner in that way I just come up against a brick wall. What do you do when you just aren't interested in bdsm play with your long term spouse? What do you do when other people trip your trigger, and you try to turn that energy onto your partner but it just sputters out? I have no intention of cheating on anyone, but I'm getting lonely being all alone in my head and not able to share part of myself with him. It's getting to the point where I feel very awkward about it all. I don't like it, but I have no idea what to do. ps - seeing a professional isn't possible unless someone else is going to give me the money to pay for it. Talk to your pertner about your feelings. If that doesn't work out...move on and he happy.

AQuietSimpleMan -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (7/8/2010 10:37:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy quote: ORIGINAL: nancygirl34652 may i suggest you initiate another conversation with him? he is right...if you don't tell him all that you feel, all that you need, he cannot do anything about it...best of luck! I'm asking for help on finding soluntions because I don't have any answers. I'm actually very tired of coming up with all the answers. It sure would be nice to have him come up with something every now and then, instead of sitting there staring at me waiting for something brilliant to come out of my mouth. this isn't okay. He doesn't have a problem... you do. Why should be fix YOUR problem? If he isn't having an issue with your play life why would he go out of his way to change it. So that you know I have this same issue with my partner every 6 months of so. Two things have helped. We fond someone for me to play with, he watching me play with someone else woke up the desire and she wanted me to do what I did to the other person to her... this also led to her opening up to the Poly beliefs she shared with me that she was always hung up on before. The other thing that helped is that she finally broke down stopped focusing on holding me to a Fantasy and realized that even if it wasn't up to par with her fantasies it was better than nothing. TRY NEW THINGS... Try things you said you didn't want to try, experiement, do something that you have never tried before that might have been on your Limit List. I tell people to try something like Wax play or watersports, it is just different enough that when done you might be feeling different about your partner. If wax and pee play isn't enough for you step it up. The thing is for me I am happy with the relationship the way it is... if my girl has an issue, I will try to help but if she doesn't know.... then it is up to her to figure out. QSM

SomethingCatchy -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (7/8/2010 1:02:19 PM)
I'm paraphrasing, but he's told me that he's ok with me playing with other people. I am not ok with it, at this point at least. I don't think I should be ignoring whatever is troubling my relationship so that I can run away to have fun for a little while. Of course I probably overshare my half of the relationship. He's honest enough to tell me when he's had enough, and when he doesn't mind listening. I tell him what's bothering me, I tell him I don't want him to fix it, and I sometimes deal with the frustration when he just won't listen to me. I've threatened to buy a hurtstick and start whacking him with it whenever he steps out of line. I tell him that it doesn't help when he gives me the 'deer in the headlights' look while waiting for me to come up with all the answers. I've told him I want his input, I've tried different ways to get it from him, and I usually just give up since it's not happening. When we were first getting serious, I had my first taste of his stubborn refusal to help when I asked him what color curtains would go good in the living room. Believe me, I've accepted that part of him already because I'd be insane to expect him to change something that seems so much a part of him. The fantasies have ranged from benign to 'Wow your friend is cute, small, and just mentioned duct tape at the dinner table. I've got some in the truck right now! I bet I could throw him over my shoulder!' I respect him, or he wouldn't be with me. That said, I never shove them in his face or act like a heartless, stupid bitch. I have told him about them, he's agreed they're kind of hot, and even went so far as to ask his friend if he'd be interested! I didn't think he'd really go there, but thankfully his friend seemed to have just laughed it off. I'll take the advice of taking things back to square one, but I have problems getting back on a horse once I've stopped feeling the drive to do it. I am lucky to be on the top though, since I can demand he listen, instead of having some guy tell me to shut up so he can watch TV [:D]

laurell3 -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (7/8/2010 7:53:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy I'm paraphrasing, but he's told me that he's ok with me playing with other people. I am not ok with it, at this point at least. I don't think I should be ignoring whatever is troubling my relationship so that I can run away to have fun for a little while. I agree and congratulations on being dedicated to your marriage. Many that come here aren't and are only looking for validation to lie, cheat or leave without really putting in the effort. Of course I probably overshare my half of the relationship. He's honest enough to tell me when he's had enough, and when he doesn't mind listening. I tell him what's bothering me, I tell him I don't want him to fix it, and I sometimes deal with the frustration when he just won't listen to me. I've threatened to buy a hurtstick and start whacking him with it whenever he steps out of line. I tell him that it doesn't help when he gives me the 'deer in the headlights' look while waiting for me to come up with all the answers. The deer in the headlights look MIGHT be because of the hurtstick. [8D] I've told him I want his input, I've tried different ways to get it from him, and I usually just give up since it's not happening. When we were first getting serious, I had my first taste of his stubborn refusal to help when I asked him what color curtains would go good in the living room. Are you serious? Most men would NOT have an answer to this question or ever care....I cannot see how that's stubborn refusal unless there's more here you're not saying. Believe me, I've accepted that part of him already because I'd be insane to expect him to change something that seems so much a part of him. I don't know about that. I doubt you'll make him care about curtains, but openly communicating about maritial issues? He should change that, possibly you BOTH should. One thing you might consider is this. Not all therapy requires payment, clergy and other agencies do it for free or for a very small fee based on income. Having a mediator to help identify communication issues might get both of you started. It's a suggestion.

SomethingCatchy -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (7/9/2010 9:51:24 AM)
quote: Are you serious? Most men would NOT have an answer to this question or ever care....I cannot see how that's stubborn refusal unless there's more here you're not saying. It's not so much that he wouldn't give me an opinion on color choices, but that he refused to answer my question at all. Most men aren't submissive, and most men don't tell their partner 'I want to submit to you and have you lead our relationship.' I expect a man that says something like that to answer a question when I ask it. If I say jump, he asks how high. He has gotten better about speaking up and speaking out. I keep finding myself comparing him to my dogs. One in particular was very very stubborn and too smart for her own good. She wouldn't do anything for you unless she saw that she got something out of it. When we finally reached the point where we were a team, nothing could stop us, but that was a lot of work to get to that point!

Arpig -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (7/9/2010 2:09:23 PM)
quote: I'm asking for help on finding soluntions because I don't have any answers. I'm actually very tired of coming up with all the answers. It sure would be nice to have him come up with something every now and then, instead of sitting there staring at me waiting for something brilliant to come out of my mouth. LOL welcome to the world of the dominant...yes it is your job to come up with the brilliant ideas...its part and parcel of being the dominant partner in the relationship.

CreativeDominant -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (7/9/2010 4:16:01 PM)
I'm going to agree with Jef and WD and Stephen here...this IS the sort of shit that pisses men off and it doesn't matter whether we are straight, dominant or submissive. When our partner comes to us and says they have a problem and we ask what it is and then don't...get...told. Or, get told but even IF the problem is within our relationship, being told that all that our woman wants is for us to listen and JUST understand. That can work...sometimes. But as Stephen noted, it doesn't work well...one reason I wound up separated and then divorced from MY ex-wife. From your profile, it sounds as if you've had frustrations upon frustrations but it also comes across as someone who is doing all of the thinking and solving...whatever IS being solved (which in all honesty does not sound like much)...in YOUR head. I have a question...why enter into a relationship and/or a dynamic if there is not going to be communication? Why bring something up if you are not willing to barnstorm to fix it? Finally...sorry if this has all sounded harsh. But I find it extremely ironic that so many people on a D/s forum espouse communication and yet, when it comes to problems...the one area where communication would seem to be key...so MANY relationships are derailed by the lack thereof. While there may be no guarantee that talking TOGETHER will fix the problems that are present, the same holds even more true when there is NONE going on.

ranja -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (7/10/2010 5:45:01 AM)
I dunno how long you have been together, but this is the sort of shit that people go through after a while, many people can not hack it and end up splitting up... sometimes that is the best thing but sometimes splitting up is a stupid mistake... and they will encounter the same sort of shit in the next go at a relationship and... split up again.... and so on I am all for sorting it out... how only you know.... and sometimes it takes a long time to get through the dips... yes they are plural too, working out this one only means that at some point another dip will occur.... the nice thing is that there are great rewards for managing to stick it out together, there is nothing better than knowing your best friend will stick with you through thick and thin

Serenity1949 -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (8/7/2010 8:49:09 PM)
Have you even mentioned to your partner that you'd like to explore bdsm? You may not picture him as your sub...but maybe he has some pretty kinky thoughts himself. You might be surprised at his reaction. But the only way you'll ever know is if you actually tell him and discuss it with him. You might see a completely new side to your man that would actually trip your trigger. Communication is the only answer. It's communicate or cheat. I don't see any other choice.

NorthernGent -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (8/8/2010 2:02:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy I already have. It went something like this - Me: I feel like this. Him: Well what can I do? Me: I don't really know. Him: How can it get fixed if you don't tell me! That's bordering on emotional sadism. You tell him you have a problem with the relationship and stop short of discussing a solution. So....assuming he cares about you.....he's aware his marriage isn't secure....but doesn't know which way to turn as when he asks: "how can I help?"....you say: "no idea". The honest and responsible thing to do would be to sit down with and discuss what the two of you can do.....and in the event the answer is nothing then end the relationship. I think you got off lightly as there's many a man who would have responded to your announcing a problem and being reluctant to discuss a solution with: "tell you what it is....why don't you just fuck off".

reynardfox -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (8/8/2010 3:28:35 PM)
write it all out in a letter stressing how much you really like it to be him doing it to you and get him to read it while you are on your knees in front of him sucking his cock, do a really good job of it and freshen his cock up with a hot flannel afterwards. It would arouse my interest. failing that, and if it fails, ditch him.

ProlificNeeds -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (8/9/2010 4:26:20 PM)
FR I can see both sides of this particular predicament. What you need to do: Don't just say "I'm unhappy, fix it." You need to actually sit down and decide what you want. He isn't a mind reader, he doesn't have a crystal ball to figure out your mysteries. So sit down and figure it out, then explain to him what you'd like. What he needs to do: Ask you questions, and be interested in finding mutual ground you'll both be happy on for your sex life. Not just "Tell me what to do." Relationships are two way streets. I have been there, and frankly I don't ever get involved with people anymore who take the 'tell me what to do' approach and never actually want try to surprise you or take an initiative. (I don't know if this is the case here it's impossible for me to tell since I don't know either of you) However you do have to meet him halfway in letting him know what does interest you so he has an idea of where to start. Don't be subtle or coy, flat out tell him. "Hey I was thinking of X and Y.. or maybe Z, but I'd like it if you'd surprise me some time." Offer ideas or suggestions to what you want.

MistressLonita -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (8/9/2010 4:51:17 PM)
Talking with your spouce about exploring BDSM is a tough thing. I know. My ex-husband would not talk about it. I found all kinds of things about him that you do not wish to know. For you, you can show him this site. Maybe show him a porn movie or something. If he is conservative about relationships, and you love him, it is more important to work this fantasy out of your mind before you allow it to destroy your marriage. It is all up to you. It is all about how you wish to pursue this lifestyle. If he doesn't come with you, and you do not want your marriage to fail, I suggest local counseling. It is usually based upon income. Your church can direct you to it. I talked about this with a Christian Counselor, and she said, "I get to spank my husband.? Her main conserns were my contacts and about my safety. You need to work this out in your mind, and you can do it. Do not go into this lifestyle on a whim. You could risk everything. Hope it works well. MistressLonita

interlocutor -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (8/9/2010 5:54:25 PM)
quote: I've had some pretty heavy fantasies lately about certain people and what I'd like to do with them, but when I try to think of my partner in that way I just come up against a brick wall. What do you do when you just aren't interested in bdsm play with your long term spouse? What do you do when other people trip your trigger, and you try to turn that energy onto your partner but it just sputters out? I have no intention of cheating on anyone, but I'm getting lonely being all alone in my head and not able to share part of myself with him. It's getting to the point where I feel very awkward about it all. I don't like it, but I have no idea what to do. So your partner can't fulfill your fantasy, you think you're always going to get what you want out of life? Maybe stop focusing on fantasies that may or may not be possible, and enjoy the positive aspects of the relationship you do have. Stop believing that the grass is always greener, and make a decision to appreciate what you do have. You'd be surprised how much more you actually do have if you stopped focusing on whats missing. Get out of your own head and into your relationship and just MAYBE you will find that you CAN be interested in BDSM play with your partner. It is your responsibility to know yourself. If you can't even understand yourself how can you expect your submissive partner to? It doesn't matter how tired you get of coming up with answers, or solving problems, that is what leaders do. You've said you are leading the relationship, so lead it. Of course you will get help from your partner, but how can he help you when you don't even know what kind of help you need?

domiguy -> RE: What if you just don't want to? (8/9/2010 6:04:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DommeKeliDallas Talk to your pertner about your feelings. If that doesn't work out...move on and he happy. Best advice on the thread....Move on and He happy. Fuck!! Wish the old ball and chain would have done this years before our divorce. Forgive me, but I was just a domiboy. But good God was I happy.

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