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What if you just don't want to? - 7/7/2010 9:32:54 PM

SomethingCatchy

Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
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I've had some pretty heavy fantasies lately about certain people and what I'd like to do with them, but when I try to think of my partner in that way I just come up against a brick wall.

What do you do when you just aren't interested in bdsm play with your long term spouse? What do you do when other people trip your trigger, and you try to turn that energy onto your partner but it just sputters out?

I have no intention of cheating on anyone, but I'm getting lonely being all alone in my head and not able to share part of myself with him. It's getting to the point where I feel very awkward about it all. I don't like it, but I have no idea what to do.

ps - seeing a professional isn't possible unless someone else is going to give me the money to pay for it.

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RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/7/2010 9:34:18 PM

nancygirl34652

Posts: 291
Joined: 3/10/2010
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how about you talk to him about it?

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

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RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/7/2010 9:40:32 PM

SomethingCatchy

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Joined: 7/29/2008
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I already have. It went something like this -

Me: I feel like *this*.
Him: Well what can I do?
Me: I don't really know.
Him: How can it get fixed if you don't tell me!

_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to nancygirl34652)

Post #: 3

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/7/2010 9:42:37 PM

nancygirl34652

Posts: 291
Joined: 3/10/2010
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may i suggest you initiate another conversation with him? he is right...if you don't tell him all that you feel, all that you need, he cannot do anything about it...best of luck!

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 4

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/7/2010 9:48:50 PM

SomethingCatchy

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Joined: 7/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: nancygirl34652

may i suggest you initiate another conversation with him? he is right...if you don't tell him all that you feel, all that you need, he cannot do anything about it...best of luck!

I'm asking for help on finding soluntions because I don't have any answers. I'm actually very tired of coming up with all the answers. It sure would be nice to have him come up with something every now and then, instead of sitting there staring at me waiting for something brilliant to come out of my mouth.

_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to nancygirl34652)

Post #: 5

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/7/2010 10:33:08 PM

Nineveh

Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
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Talk to him about the possibility of swinging maybe? My wife and I can't do D/s stuff together, so we look outside the marriage for that.

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 6

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/7/2010 10:40:20 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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Ok, here's the reply the op wants; find someone who *does* fulfill those fantasies for you!

(I didn't really mean it but, I felt...strongly...that was what you wanted.)

If you really were serious, there are ways (if your partner is willing) to allow yourself to explore those areas with your partner, and to find yourself turned on. (even by your partner.)

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to Nineveh)

Post #: 7

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/7/2010 10:47:40 PM

sexyred1

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Joined: 8/9/2007
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to the OP: your profile says you are a dominant female. Without knowing more about your partner and his proclivities there is not much anyone can do to advise you. Your example of a conversation with your partner is rather lame.

Communication is everything; even if the answer you desire is not found, at least you will know more about what you should do.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 8

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/7/2010 10:50:02 PM

laurell3

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Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

I already have. It went something like this -

Me: I feel like *this*.
Him: Well what can I do?
Me: I don't really know.
Him: How can it get fixed if you don't tell me!

Saying I'm tired of finding the answers and coming here rarely works that easily. Not that many here aren't open to trying to help, they are, but let's face it, our help is like shooting in the dark. We don't know you. We don't know him and text based communication is very limited.

Maybe you should finish this conversation honestly. What are the things you fantasize about? Why didn't you tell him when he asked what he could do to fix it? You know the answer about what your needs are and you are the only person that does. This isn't him trying to introduce kink to your life, it's you. So yes, you do need to give him the answers as to how to address your needs. Whether that is trying it with him, having other partners or something else, you do owe it to him to have an honest conversation and this one above really doesn't seem to be one.

Your profile is very telling of the frustration you are feeling. No worries, most of us were there once too. You don't have to know it all right now, pick a starting point and go from there. It would seem to me the starting point here is your spouse.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 9

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/7/2010 11:21:19 PM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
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quote:

So yes, you do need to give him the answers as to how to address your needs. Whether that is trying it with him, having other partners or something else, you do owe it to him to have an honest conversation and this one above really doesn't seem to be one.

I took her "I don't really know" at face value - she knows there's a problem and she has no idea what to do about it.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 10

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/7/2010 11:38:37 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

Ok, so as Red said, you list yourself as a dominant female. Sadly, in many ways that does mean you are the one who should be calling the shots (lest your poor husband become the poor "do-me sub" dommes complain about all the time, lol).

Have you told HIM what you are fantasizing about? Is that what the *this* is in the conversation?

I mean, look, you are ahead of the game in the sense that your partner WANTS to please you. But he is going to have a lot of trouble doing that if you can't verbalize what you want.

Since you can't verbalize it, have you tried writing some of this stuff down and telling him that way? We all know that communication is important, but sometimes we just can't make the words come out of our mouths. Often though when that happens, we ARE able to write it down.

Shot of that, it kind of sounds like you don't really want to call the shots all the time. That's ok too. Even though you are the dominant and presumably he is the submissive, it doesn't mean he can't come up with things to do. You are a married couple, and regardless of how some may think there is a "rulebook," there isn't. So he can certainly take on some of the responsibility to come up with scenes, games, play activities, whatever you choose to call it.

But none of this is going to happen if you don't find some way of telling him. Whether you do it orally, write him a letter, send him an email or a freaking text from your cell phone, he can't help fix it unless he knows what you are thinking is broken. Nobody is a mind reader.

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 11

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/7/2010 11:39:59 PM

heartcream

Posts: 3044
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From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

I'm asking for help on finding soluntions because I don't have any answers. I'm actually very tired of coming up with all the answers. It sure would be nice to have him come up with something every now and then, instead of sitting there staring at me waiting for something brilliant to come out of my mouth.

Have you shared these sentiments with him? Maybe not say it so harshly as him sitting there staring at you waiting for your brilliance to shine forth, but let him know you would like him to mix it up and not rely on you to do all the initiating etc?

_____________________________

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I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
Jean-Michel Basquiat

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 12

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/7/2010 11:59:44 PM

Cherylmazana

Posts: 1152
Joined: 10/4/2007
Status: offline

When you are sick to death of having to make all of the decisions all of the time (been there got the t-shirt) it’s very hard to look at your partner and feel desire, and often there is also a lot of resentment at always having to make all the decisions mixed in.

“Tell me what you want me to do” is no good as question when what you want them to do is for once make a decision and not ask you, especially when they look at you blankly not understanding the problem.

Having a sub that expects you to make every decision can be exhausting and extremely hard work, and then it’s easy to get to the I don’t know what to do state because frankly there is nothing you can do if they refuse to make decisions and thats what you want.

My own personal belief is that most people are simply just not suited to micro manage others, and when you find yourself in this situation you can feel trapped, and so your desire for them simply vanishes and you start fantasising about others who are new and maybe a challenge. I suppose the question then becomes are they here for my pleasure or am I here for theirs? If it seems you have become a slave to their desires when they are supposed to be there for yours then often it is time to walk away, which is a huge problem all by itself, especially if they can’t understand why when all they want to do is “please you”.

Cheryl

(in reply to heartcream)

Post #: 13

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/8/2010 12:12:17 AM

reynardfox

Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline

You need a new partner.Come on, you know it's over when they don't do it for you any more. You have a life to live, live it. Right now you are not living, don't waste your life in dreams.

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 14

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/8/2010 5:57:48 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It is not uncommon for men to want to do perverted things to other women but not their wife. They feel guilty mistreating someone they love. Is this part of it for you?

My recommendation is not to try to live out all the evil stuff you've been dreaming of but to go back to the very beginning, when you would do really light stuff, experimenting for yourself. No pressure, just try different things. You could try sensation play, blindfolds, wax, a light spanking, dragging your nails over him, etc. The focus to be not on how he responds but just how you feel.

No pressure to move on to anything else, just to try different things out.

_____________________________

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(in reply to reynardfox)

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RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/8/2010 6:01:28 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

I already have. It went something like this -

Me: I feel like *this*.
Him: Well what can I do?
Me: I don't really know.
Him: How can it get fixed if you don't tell me!

This is the kinda shit that pisses men off. You have a problem? Fucking tell me what it IS.

You don't know what it is or you won't tell me? I just stopped hearing you clearly.

There may still be a buzzing noise in the background but I am mostly ignoreing it. Unless it is interfering with my enjoyment of television.

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 16

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/8/2010 6:18:09 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

quote:

ORIGINAL: nancygirl34652

may i suggest you initiate another conversation with him? he is right...if you don't tell him all that you feel, all that you need, he cannot do anything about it...best of luck!

I'm asking for help on finding soluntions because I don't have any answers. I'm actually very tired of coming up with all the answers. It sure would be nice to have him come up with something every now and then, instead of sitting there staring at me waiting for something brilliant to come out of my mouth.

The problem here, is he isnt' the one with the problem. How can he come up with solutions to problems YOU have that do not involve him?

This is the conversation I hear you having with him:
"I wanna do all these fun things, but sorry babe, YOU just don't do it for me, and I don't want to do them with you. So whatcha gonna do about that?"

What the hell is he supposed to say to that? "Oo baby, please go do all these fun things with someone who DOES do it for you....I'll be here when you get back.......if there's a sock on the doorknob no worries. I'm just fucking your sister.."

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 17

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/8/2010 6:32:11 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

My computer just ate My reply. Talk about things pissing you off. LOL.

When I was first getting back involved in wiitwd, MP had very little interest in it. He is not a submissive. When he would 'play' at bottoming for Me, we didn't have the right kind of vibe together at all. It wasn't that he didn't try. We just didn't have the right kind of energy together.

What worked really well in our case was Me playing with other people for the S/m part and then he and I having sex at home. He would come with Me, I'd play in public, and then he would reap the benefits after we left the play party. My sex drive switch was already in the "on" position. I mean, think about it. Who doesn't want their wife horny as hell after an evening out?

We weren't full blown poly at the time and there weren't any relationships with others, with the exception of friendship. No sex with other people. They were play partners in the BDSM sense only. It might be something you and your husband could think about.

Another idea that might have some benefits for you. Have you joined KIS in your area? It's My understanding that they are becoming active again. (A friend of Mine did the needle demo last month.) If nothing else, you could get to know some other kinky people in your area that might be able to help with ideas or just for the social aspect.

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Jeffff)

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RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/8/2010 6:51:31 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

I already have. It went something like this -

Me: I feel like *this*.
Him: Well what can I do?
Me: I don't really know.
Him: How can it get fixed if you don't tell me!

This is the kinda shit that pisses men off. You have a problem? Fucking tell me what it IS.

You don't know what it is or you won't tell me? I just stopped hearing you clearly.

There may still be a buzzing noise in the background but I am mostly ignoreing it. Unless it is interfering with my enjoyment of television.

Exactly. When I was married and my ex brought something up, I wanted to solve it. Eventually she told me that I had an issue because sometimes she just wanted to talk and I always wanted to fix problems. So I had to listen to her whine after that. Until the separation.

SC, you have a problem and it's straightforward. You have three solutions:

1. Play outside of your relationship.
2. Convince him to play.
3. Get past wanting the play.

Your partner has told you that he's open to working with you. Now go and work with him.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 19

RE: What if you just don't want to? - 7/8/2010 7:47:07 AM

bdsmnewbie10

Posts: 29
Joined: 3/10/2010
Status: offline

Is your problem that you desire someone else and that is why your partner can't help
Is your problem the so called kink of bdsm
When he asks what he can do, you say you don't know. Well then how is he to know.
You have to be honest with yourself and with him, lay out what you want, and let him give you an honest answer.

Personally, husband, who is not into this lifestyle, desired getting into swinging, which I did for him.
Now, I've taken it a step further and gotten into bdsm, where I should have been all along. Luckily, we have found a couple that suits us both (not easy)...I have my Master, he has his playmate, we are both happy.

But honesty is what got us here. And it has done wonders for our relationship.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 20

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